Unsure

[melissa38]

I will give you a quick story. I've been married for 9 years and together for 11 years. My husband is 14 years older than me......We have a 5 year old daughter.

 

I've been unhappy in our marriage for a few years at this point, and haven't been clear on what to do. It seems there are periods where the relationship is great, and longer periods where it's not.

 

A few weeks ago, an ex-boyfreind contacted me after 12 years of not seeing or speaking to one and other. We've been texting and talking daily for these past few weeks and I'm finding I may possibly still have feelings for him.

 

I don't know what to do. Part of me fears leaving my husband as I do have an average life with him. He works hard to support both myself and our daughter....the other part of me just wants out.

 

I feel confused and uncertain as to what I want....any advice? Are these feelings I'm having for the ex true feelings or desire?

[HopelessinDTW]

I will give you a quick story. I've been married for 9 years and together for 11 years. My husband is 14 years older than me......We have a 5 year old daughter.

 

I've been unhappy in our marriage for a few years at this point, and haven't been clear on what to do. It seems there are periods where the relationship is great, and longer periods where it's not.

 

A few weeks ago, an ex-boyfreind contacted me after 12 years of not seeing or speaking to one and other. We've been texting and talking daily for these past few weeks and I'm finding I may possibly still have feelings for him.

 

I don't know what to do. Part of me fears leaving my husband as I do have an average life with him. He works hard to support both myself and our daughter....the other part of me just wants out.

 

I feel confused and uncertain as to what I want....any advice? Are these feelings I'm having for the ex true feelings or desire?

Looks like you're on the verge of jumping ship because you feel the grass is greener on the other side. You'll see from most of the post here that you are a classic case. What you need to do is stop talking to your old boyfriend, and talk to your husband and tell him EXACTLY what you are feeling. Ask him what he thinks of your marriage. If you don't think you can work things out on your own, see a marriage councelor. They will be a third party who will look into your problems from a fresh set of eyes, and help you resolve your issues (if possible). If all this fails, and you both still don't see anything changing. Then you can separate/divorce. But don't throw away your relationship until you try everything you can to save it. Good luck.

[tank]

heres my 2 cents, fight for your marriage, get help. This will be a thousand times harder on your 5 year old. You owe it to the child to stay together as long as you can. You have a history with this man, you choose to have children with him. You married him! Make dam sure that you are doing everything to make it work before you give up. Your marriage will be as good as the effort you put into it.

 

I may be just another disgruntled STBXH but believe me, the grass wont be greener on the other side and you will leave devistation behind you. Stop talking to this ex. sit and talk to your husband, and i recommend that you tell him everything about how you are feeling and that you did text with the ex and that was it.

 

I hope you find the answers you are looking for, and if it is truley over between you and your husband, tell him first. Dont make it worse by having an affair. Let him know you still love him enough to end the marriage before starting a new relationship.

[neversure]

Sounds like maybe your bored? It tends to happen when there may not be any real problems. Stick with the devil you know. It might be less complicted. Something my grandma said comes to mind, "If he doesn't drink, hit you and if he works you are not doing that bad when it comes to marriage".

[TaraMaiden]

I will give you a quick story. I've been married for 9 years and together for 11 years. My husband is 14 years older than me......We have a 5 year old daughter.

 

I've been unhappy in our marriage for a few years at this point, and haven't been clear on what to do. It seems there are periods where the relationship is great, and longer periods where it's not.

 

A few weeks ago, an ex-boyfreind contacted me after 12 years of not seeing or speaking to one and other. We've been texting and talking daily for these past few weeks and I'm finding I may possibly still have feelings for him.

 

I don't know what to do. Part of me fears leaving my husband as I do have an average life with him. He works hard to support both myself and our daughter....the other part of me just wants out.

 

I feel confused and uncertain as to what I want....any advice? Are these feelings I'm having for the ex true feelings or desire?

 

You don't say what your ages are, but I would think (assume? presume? wildly guess?) if you have a 5-year-old, you could be in your early/mid thirties, and your husband in his late forties early fifties.

I will just say this:

As life goes on with your H, you will transfer your care of your daughter, to caring for your husband.

When the age-gap is as big as yours, by the time your daughter has grown up and reached adulthood (18) your husband may well be hitting his mid-sixties....And you will slowly transform your relationship from one of wife, to one of carer.

 

My mother is 11 years younger than my father, and this is the scenario, now. She's his nurse, cook and general housemaid, as he sits infirm and virtually unmoving. He is nearly 90 and she is 79.

 

Think ahead.

And decide whether this is a scenario you would ultimately feel happy and content being loyal to.

[cavedweller]

38,

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage and feel that it has gone sour file for a divorce and move on..

 

Sometimes a couple just can not make it work...

[hopesndreams]

I will give you a quick story. I've been married for 9 years and together for 11 years. My husband is 14 years older than me......We have a 5 year old daughter.

 

I've been unhappy in our marriage for a few years at this point, and haven't been clear on what to do. It seems there are periods where the relationship is great, and longer periods where it's not.

 

A few weeks ago, an ex-boyfreind contacted me after 12 years of not seeing or speaking to one and other. We've been texting and talking daily for these past few weeks and I'm finding I may possibly still have feelings for him.

 

I don't know what to do. Part of me fears leaving my husband as I do have an average life with him. He works hard to support both myself and our daughter....the other part of me just wants out.

 

I feel confused and uncertain as to what I want....any advice? Are these feelings I'm having for the ex true feelings or desire?

 

When did you really start losing feelings for your H? Did you lose those feelings before a special someone started paying you a bit of attention?

[hopesndreams]

38,

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage and feel that it has gone sour file for a divorce and move on..

 

Sometimes a couple just can not make it work...

 

It's one thing for a M to go sour if no one is in the picture. Quite another, when there is.

 

OP, are your feelings for this new guy, that you've known forever, real???

 

Highly doubtful.

 

There is a problem within you. Address that.

[whichwayisup]

Try reconnecting with your husband again and NOT a past flame.

 

You married this man for a reason! Don't piss it away on some guy from your past who makes you feel good and gives your heart a flutter or two.

 

Your husband provides for YOU. He's a good father, a good husband. TALK TO HIM and let him know that you are feeling neglected, unhappy and you two NEED to have alone time. Hire a babysitter or drop your child off at the grandparents house so you two can go on a date and talk, have fun and reconnect.

 

Connecting (online or offline) with someone from your past is asking for trouble. Do you want to cheat on your husband? Betray him in the worst way? How can you justify this? Selfishly getting attention from another man when you haven't even given your H a chance to work on things with you.

 

Imagine your H finding out, reading your texts, and realizing you're having an EA (emotional affair) with someone? Imagine your H divorcing you. Then what? You go to this guy online? What if he is married and has kids? Ever think of his family, his wife, kids?

 

Talk to your husband and be honest, tell him how you are feeling.

 

Marriage is hard work, you need to put effort in and keep the passion going, make time for one another and not let the daily grind get in the way.

[melissa38]

Thank you to all that have replied. I must admit, maybe I am just bored with my marriage. We've been together since I was 18 years old.....I'm now 30 and am tired of the same old routine. I do love him, but feel as though I'm falling out of love with him as well....

 

I've never cheated and would never think of doing such a thing....the hardest part of this whole situation is that I know damn well the ex that I've been talking to isn't any good.

 

I'm confused, stressed and totally lost!

[spriggig]

Thank you to all that have replied. I must admit, maybe I am just bored with my marriage. We've been together since I was 18 years old.....I'm now 30 and am tired of the same old routine. I do love him, but feel as though I'm falling out of love with him as well....

 

I've never cheated and would never think of doing such a thing....the hardest part of this whole situation is that I know damn well the ex that I've been talking to isn't any good.

 

I'm confused, stressed and totally lost!

 

Get "Light His Fire" and "Light Her Fire" both by Ellen Kreidman.

 

He needs to KNOW what you're feeling in no uncertain terms. All of it. Tell him everything, even about the ex on Facebook. He wants to make this work and wants to help, he just doesn't know how bad it is for you and is hesitant to rock the boat without good reason.

 

This won't get better on it's own and you can't make it better alone.

[2.50 a gallon]

Message deleted due to jumping threads

Edited August 7, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[You Go Girl]

There's a lot of complications to every marriage. On yours, I want to start with the difference in ages between you and your H.

Why did you mention it to us? Why does it matter? Ask those questions to yourself, think about it awhile, and then reply. Hint: You think that since you have been with him since 18 years old that you married him before you were a woman, still a girl, and didn't really consider your choices and alternatives.

The ex bf on fb. Ok, you are carrying a little torch for him. Not unusual. But to take it farther and fantasize that there could be some incredible romantic true love in your future is probably way off. You really don't know him well, haven't known him for years, and so it's all made up in your head. Desire is the answer. Are your feelings real? You're feeling them, so they are real. But they are extremely naive. Reality with this guy will be nothing like you fantasize.

On your marriage being good for awhile then not so good--welcome to reality. Marriages have their ups and downs. What can YOU DO as a partner in this marriage to make sure there are less downs, and more ups? What are the things you can do so as to not be complacent?

[Steadfast]

Anytime we do something behind our spouse's back that we don't want them to know about it's a form of cheating. Perhaps not a full blown sexual affair yet, but things can escalate quickly. That's always how it starts. Be very careful.

 

Second, it's good to take the position that we're all capable of cheating. Even happily married people can occasionally feel attraction for someone else. It's how we deal with those feelings that count. Knowing what we are capable of, the power of wisdom and love helps us make the right choice. Taking our vows, we all swear to be faithful, but that promise ultimately comes down to the choices we make. It's a process...a character test.

 

By all means talk to your husband, but unless you really need to tell him, I'd seriously ponder what good telling him you're attracted to another man would do. If all you've done is talk or text, then there is little point. It could really hurt him...unnecessarily. It's between your husband and you. Keep it there and he'll deal with it better.

 

I think it's wonderful and loving you'd post this looking for advice. There are many men here (me included) who wish their wives would have sought council and advice first. In that regard, your husband is a lucky man-

Edited August 8, 2010 by Steadfast

[blahplunger]

Well my girlfriend of 13 years just did this too me.Let me tell you.This is the most horrible thing you could ever do to a person.You should just shoot him and be humane.If you love him at all then go to him and tell him you need to talk.Tell him you are unhappy and what it is you need from him to make you happy.Then remember that you took vows.

[LostinCali]

Seems like your memories of the ex, especially that long ago are good, but things ended for a reason back then, and be assured that if you did leave your husband for the ex, it wouldnt last.

If you're thinking about leaving, do it for your and your child, and not for afling that you might have. Once things are over,then look to see "what if" but until then, stop texting and talking to him.

[spriggig]

Thank you to all that have replied. I must admit, maybe I am just bored with my marriage. We've been together since I was 18 years old.....I'm now 30 and am tired of the same old routine. I do love him, but feel as though I'm falling out of love with him as well....

 

I've never cheated and would never think of doing such a thing....the hardest part of this whole situation is that I know damn well the ex that I've been talking to isn't any good.

 

I'm confused, stressed and totally lost!

 

Missed this the first time. You want to chase butterflies with a bad boy.

 

Your husband is stuck in a rut, he's doing his best to make your home and life comfortable, but that behavior doesn't crank your engine. You long for a walk on the wild side.

 

Don't dump your husband and the father of your daughter over THIS! You TWO can make this work, but he needs to know! Tell him!

 

Make him drive and tell him to speed once in a while. Force him to make decisions and tell him he's wimpy when he defers to you--and when he makes a decision, don't question it. Guess what else? You need to be more girly, dress up and wear make up, flirt with him like you used to and drop sexual innuendos into every day conversation.

 

If you do these simple things, tell him how bad it is, give him some time to change and then flirt with him--the butterflies will come back.