Ex's friend is pissing me off.

[Dejin]

Well, I am new to this site, and I like it a lot. Be warned, my situation is kind of weird, but bear w/ me.

 

Up until about a month ago, I was in a relationship with an awesome girl. The relationship lasted over a year, but then we both broke it off. My main reason was due to stress of school (its my senior year, trying to finish it off really well). Her main reason was that she felt she needed to find herself, and a break wasn't a bad idea to do that. The break-up went ok, she took it hard at first although she felt it was for the best. We both left it open for us, if neither were dating, to get back together in the future if the time should ever come. No problemo, yet...

 

Recently, a guy asked my ex out. Before I get into my real problem I think a little history on this guy would be appropiate: We'll call him "Bob". Bob has been after my ex ever since before we even started going out. Occasionally he would write her love-letters to her, and say weird kinds of jokes, suggesting he would get with her after we broke up. On top of that, he would comment (sometimes even in front of me) that he loved her, yet his most favorite thing to do would be to flirt w/ her. Get this - Bob had at that time, a girlfriend of his own (he still has that same gf, remember that because I'll come back to that later). I tried talking with Bobs gf about this, but apparently she has low self-esteem as it is, and doesn't seem to really care about his actions. That left me to either talk to my (ex) gf about it, or talk to Bob himself. Deciding to go to my (ex) gf first, she told me she didn't really want me to talk to Bob (My 'talking' could have very easily turned to swinging fists), because she viewed him as a friend, and said that Bob only did those things purely in a 'Joking Way'. I did not think the same way, and ever since the problems were never ultimately solved. I did however, convince her to tell him to stop writing those love-letters, and to stop flirting. At least as far as I knew, they did.

 

All through our relationship she told me she never did like Bob in that kind of way, and that it seriously all was a joke to them both. She told me that she even thought Bob was annoying most of the time, and she didn't like that much attention from him. Well, in my opinion, she should have told him that so he would stop doing that. I confronted her about this one time, but she told me that he was a friend and she didn't want to come off as 'rude'. Now tell me, do you think that is true, or do you think she really did like that attention and she's using that as an excuse? Hmm.. Keep in mind that all of this stuff happened while we were still going out. And she did not believe that he actually liked her, and that it was all 'just a joke thing'.

 

So now everything is uneasy between me and Bob, but I don't talk to him much so it's all good. And then, like I said, we broke up and he asked her out. He did it in a really weird way too. He stroked her leg, and arm, and constantly flirted like before. And yes, he still does have a girlfriend. My ex emmediately told me about this, since she views me as a best friend and we are still really close. She told me how Bob was ready to leave his girlfriend in a heartbeat for her, and he always did have feelings for her since even before she went out w/ me. This confirmed that I was right all along, and that to Bob, the flirting and everything else was really not a joke. (If I was mean, I coulda said "I TOLD YOU SO!!" But I didn't lol.)

 

Up till now there was no real big problem for me, at least, none that I hadn't solved to a degree of satisfaction. Yes, I do admit that I was (and still am) jealous of him. I admitted that openly to my ex, but I also told her that it was her decision and I won't interfere. With that, as a friend I told her that look at where his morals are. He would emmediately dump his year-long girlfriend to get together w/ her. She completely understands and says that she still stands firm that she does not like Bob that way, and does not want to get together with him period.

 

For the most part she has managed to avoid him for the time being, so she hasn't given him a straight answer. She said she's avoiding him because she doesn't want to be rude. I tell her that she's just dragging it on for him, but she says she knows what shes doing. I guess things worked out slightly, because the little time they do talk (they have one class together) she tries to give him little hints that it would never happen. I guess that Bob took the bait, and this pissed him off, because now taking the rejection out on me behind my back. Various people come up to me telling me just what Bob thinks of me.

 

This is where my problem really begins. Bob knows I do not like him, he knows I know what he's done while me and my ex were together, yet he does not back down. I myself, always working out and staying in good physical condition, could solve it the way I originally intended. (Kick His Scrawny A$$!!) My ex doesn't want me to, but what the hell else am I supposed to do? Sit back and take his bullsh*t? Everything else isn't working, even the answer my ex gave him. The more he does it, the more pissed off I get. Before I explode, I figure I should come get advice from you people first.

[RobertoPNW]

Your ex will hate you if you hurt Bob. Don't do it, just turn the other cheek.

[supermom]

Just keep looking like a knight in shining armor for your ex. Don't be pullled into a fight, you will look immature to her.

 

As for Bob, there are always going to be people like that. Your ex may not want to be rude ( I'm the same way) and is uncomfortable in hurting his feelings. There really isn't too much you should say about it unless you and your ex get back together. How about getting back with her?

[Gracie]

ok so I know just how you feel! I got dumped for this girl who was after my man the entire time we were together, which is enough of an injury to my ego. Then, she started talking sh*t about me and telling everyone (even my best friend) that I was a slut and that I had sex with over 100 people etc... So I held my ground and never said anything bad about her or talked to her, and eventually she stopped. Not to mention she looked dumb for telling rediculous lies about me that people could just roll their eyes at, and I came out of it looking more mature. Think of all the drama I could have caused by starting a fight with her. I would have forced my friends to choose sides, which isn't right. She's actually still "with" him, even though he moved to Arizona, and the sad thing is she sleeps around on him behind his back like crazy. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone who the REAL slut is and always was.

[SoleMate]

I sure don't approve of Bob's seductive behavior, but you know something? His behavior was directed at your ex, NOT AT YOU. Why are you taking it as being directed at you?

 

If the ex doesn't like Bob's behavior, it's up to her to deal with it. She might ask you for help, and it would be great for you to back her up, but ultimately it really is her decision what to put up with. You consider his behavior intolerable, but she apparently doesn't.

 

but what the hell am I supposed to do [other than kick his ass] [about his badmouthing me]?

Well, you can mention to people who talk to Bob that he seems to be "confused" and "taking things hard" and that he "has a lot of personal issues that are troubling him quite a bit". Then you can grin and say, "Ya know, I almost feel sorry for that poor little %^&*(#$ - but not quite."

[Dejin]

First off, I want to say thanks to you all for your comments and advice. This definitely lets me look at things from new perspectives. I'll reply to each and every one of ya.

 

Roberto- yeah you're right, she very well could hate me for it. But it would be debatable, my ex and I have a pretty good friendship.

 

Supermom- you're right too, it'd look pretty immature. I spoze I could take my anger out in other ways (like Better Workouts -grin-) About getting back together w/ my ex... Ahh, I would get back together w/ her, but if I did I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend. School is my top priority, then work. After that leaves little time for very much else... That wouldn't be fair to her, ya know?

 

Gracie- thanks for that little story. It made me think about my situation and looking at the bigger picture about everything. If I just keep my cool, Bob will look like the bad guy later. I like that.

 

Solemate- Well, I do not think his seductive behavior was guided at me. Never did. From the way he plays girls, it's pretty obvious Bob aint gay. Maybe you were confused, or maybe I was unclear. From Bobs' actions toward my ex, I said before that it was her decision, and I wasn't going to interfere, unless she wanted me to.

 

My anger mostly came when he crossed the line. From the fact that he insulted (and continues to insult) me, and on top of that it was behind my back. The coward could at least said those things to my face. But then again, cowards wouldn't. (lol -- Maybe he is smarter than I give him credit for, maybe he knows he'd be knocked out by the time his statements were said.) Ooh, I like the idea of saying little things back to other people. Kinda diss him here and there... lol cool.

 

Well, I guess the bottom line is that I'll mind my own business and *try* to stay out of trouble w/ him, at least directly. I will definitely back my ex up in any way I can. One things for sure, I've lost all respect for the guy. The ONLY respect I have is that he is my ex's friend, and with that comes the fact that I won't go to his house and beat the living sh*t out of him. -evil grin-