Anger and Grief

[Justme2010]

I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 11 years due to his infidelity. He admitted to me that he has been having an affair and that they are in love. He told me that she is everything that I am not and that he loves her because she is always smiling and happy to see him. Yes, deep I know. She is also in the process of divorcing her husband.

 

I have been experiencing moments of anger and grief over this situation. Does it get easier? I have accepted the fact that he is a liar and cheater, but there are times that I miss him. I miss who I thought he, but not who he has become. He has been acting like a person that I don't even know. His whole personality has changed. Will time really heal my wounds?

[wrencn]

Welcome to the club. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Read about NC (no contact) and start ASAP. It does get easier but only if you cut him out of your life like a cancerous tumor! Don't do what I did, prolong the inevitable! Don't live in purgatory.

 

Let's see how happy and bubbly she is after dealing with his nonsense. My husbands EA was such a sweet person and so understanding. Of course, she didn't have to deal with his bull****! What starts in chaos ends in chaos. They will not prosper. Good luck!

[Justme2010]

I am sure she will get tired of him. She is divorcing her third husband, so it seems that she gets tired pretty easy with men in her life. I do not think it will take long for her to get tired of my husband especially since he is experiencing some major financial problems. Everyone says for me to sit back and watch the show.

[hitbyatruck]

In my experience.......

 

Don't waste your energy, tears & emotion on the person who betrayed you - they're not worth it one bit.

In your mind, turn on your heel, start walking and don't stop. Eyes straight ahead. Slow and steady to begin with.

 

Cut him off. Contact from you will just make him feel wanted by two women which he doesn't deserve.

 

It will be a while (I'm 4 months & counting) before your heart fully heals.

Once you have regained your true self back (and you do lose that to some extent in a LTR) you control the events that spark your emotions, not anyone else and certainly not the betrayer.

 

Depending on how recent the affair was exposed, you may still be in shock.

Be good to yourself - your body, your soul, your mind. Indulge yourself occasionally - you deserve it.

 

The grief will dissapate before the anger.

The denial will come and go.

 

You will miss the good things about your husband but be freed from the bad. You will miss the companionship but not the arguments.

 

The most important thing is that you need to be in a strong, self-confident position again, for yourself and nobody else (unless you have children). Take all the good things your marriage contributed to YOUR personality and add them to the positive aspects of your pre-marriage self.

 

It really is time to get selfish. It's one of the few times in life you can justify it. It's all about you now. Screw him, screw her. It's YOU TIME!

 

Not "poor-me" though......"poor him"....."poor them".

 

"I am. I can. I will."

 

If the affair blows up in his face, or fades away, and he comes crawling back, you can then figuratively spin him on his heel and send him on his way, into the wilderness. Or you can choose to work at a restart. By all accounts, difficult, rare and definitely not the same as it once was.

 

Time definitely does heal, it just feels like the clock has stopped for a while.

One hour can feel like a day if you don't keep busy.....so keep busy, or distracted. In your situation (like almost everyone here) you will ask yourself many questions that cannot be answered. In time you will only ask the ones that can be answered. You will read posts here that make you say to yourself "why am I not thinking that way, yes.....of course" Eventually you will stop asking yourself questions relating to the demise your marriage. You're halfway there then.

 

I think I've had too much coffee!

Hope this helps & post when you feel the need to.

Better out than in!

 

HbaT.

[You Go Girl]

You're on the divorce rollercoaster. Hating him, missing him, angry at yourself, etc. Normal emotions for this situation. Classic even.

 

Their relationship may indeed fail, a very high liklihood. But it may take a few years. Meanwhile, you have a life to live--yours.

Everytime you start getting ready to fantasize of him coming home, dropping on his knees and begging for forgiveness, imagine him telling her how much better she is in bed. It'll help get you out of that fantasy and help you not fall into self-pity.

So sitting back and watching the show may be a fun thing to do when you hear of their latest catastrophe. But that show may never reach your ears, especially since they are in the affair mode and it's all about hot sex at this point.

You don't have the time to waste your life waiting for a show.

Of course you will heal, and one day in years to come be able to look back at the good times without pain. For now, stay away from photo albums and all other forms of nostalgia, and focus on enjoying your present day life, going out with friends, watching a good movie, taking care of your home, improving things you would like improved whether material or friendships or work environments. Do those little things that add up that make you feel better about yourself. They make more of a difference in keeping depression at bay than people give them credit for.

[wrencn]

You will miss the good things about your husband but be freed from the bad. You will miss the companionship but not the arguments.

 

This is exactly how I feel but couldn't articulate it. Thanks HBAT.