Girl who rejected me, wants to keep me as a friend, why?

[Green]

Thanks for the encouragement Green. It's given me some fire.

 

After the lunch, I'm going to insist on her walking to the pier with me which conveniently is only two blocks away from the restaurant. No more asking for a kiss, I need to take it. Ugh, I haven't tried to kiss a girl in so long.

 

Carhill, I know she doesn't have a boyfriend. But thanks for the well wishes.

 

DOn't worry about the kiss. ENJOY all this. Enjoy the fact that people will see you with this girl. Enjoy that feeling you get from being out with a woman. Isn't it fun? I love it.

 

Talk to her about stuf you find fun and try to get her talking. Ask her fun questions like what would you wish for, what would you do if you won the lottery, just crap like that. BUt only ask the question if it is fun for you. Like me and my gf like amusment parks so just the other day we were talking about what our favorite ride was and what we though the most thrilling ride was and which park we thought was the best. Just be yourself.

 

Don't worry about the kiss, let it excite you. Enjoy knowing what you are about to try. Don't worry about screwing it up with this one girl, If you kiss her this puts your head in a much better position for the next girl.

 

I can't wait for the update, KEEP THAT FIRE BURNING INSIDE YOU.

[carhill]

Carhill, I know she doesn't have a boyfriend. But thanks for the well wishes.

 

As someone who's been married and had a few LTR's, I can tell you with assurance that you never really 'know'. But, regardless, like Green suggested, do not let this concern you. That concern indicates investment and that's something you don't want to do since it puts you at a disadvantage. Your ladyfriend isn't posting on LS looking for advice. She's unconcerned and going to lunch with some guy on Monday. It's just an hour out of her day. That's a healthy perspective, IMO.

[sagetalk]

Girls who want you/see you as a boyfriend don't do that. Girls who like attention do. Your call.

[Green]

As someone who's been married and had a few LTR's, I can tell you with assurance that you never really 'know'. But, regardless, like Green suggested, do not let this concern you. That concern indicates investment and that's something you don't want to do since it puts you at a disadvantage. Your ladyfriend isn't posting on LS looking for advice. She's unconcerned and going to lunch with some guy on Monday. It's just an hour out of her day. That's a healthy perspective, IMO.

 

You never do know and really you shouldn't care in the begining. It will all become very clear with time. Just enjoy the ride, really its not the end of the world if you have to dump a girl because she is playing games with other men.

 

In college a girl most likely does have more then one man persuing her. As long as she is happy to comit you just move on from that.

[sagetalk]

You never do know and really you shouldn't care in the begining. It will all become very clear with time. Just enjoy the ride, really its not the end of the world if you have to dump a girl because she is playing games with other men.

 

In college a girl most likely does have more then one man persuing her. As long as she is happy to comit you just move on from that.

 

I have yet to go after a single girl under 25 that doesn't have guys lined up. It puts immense pressure on you to preform well in dating, or you're out. Never mind that they are making tons of mistakes, you only get a few and it's on to the next guy and you're a friend.

 

If they are slim and fit, it seems you are in for battle. Though I completely disagree with the tactic, it's easy to see why guys try to sleep with them after the first few dates. Without that sexual attachment, you're taking a huge risk that some other guy's going to do it. It's extremely frustrating, but all you can do is try and try again.

[carhill]

LOL, you're in for a shock if you think 'that' ends at 25. It's alive and well at 50+, if my experiences with our 'separation' are any indicator. Does a shark ignore blood? Nope, not even after menopause.

[meerkat stew]

If they are slim and fit, it seems you are in for battle. Though I completely disagree with the tactic, it's easy to see why guys try to sleep with them after the first few dates. Without that sexual attachment, you're taking a huge risk that some other guy's going to do it. It's extremely frustrating, but all you can do is try and try again.

 

I remember those times, totally lopsided, no desire to relive them. If you weren't ready to talk marriage, kids and an immediate gigantic mortgage in two-three months, she was gone to the next prospect, constantly getting "upgraded" constantly. And moreover, that average women could easily date late 20s-30s men who were more established, most I knew did just that. Part of the reason so many average and even above average men of that age range become alcoholic partiers or Xbox addicts IMO

 

How the tables turn though past 30s for men, makes up for the unfairness in the early going. Just hold out 20 something guys, unless you are one of the lucky few who found a good one, your time is coming.

[phineas]

LOL, you're in for a shock if you think 'that' ends at 25. It's alive and well at 50+, if my experiences with our 'separation' are any indicator. Does a shark ignore blood? Nope, not even after menopause.

 

I got that shock. LOL!

[sagetalk]

1. Part of the reason so many average and even above average men of that age range become alcoholic partiers or Xbox addicts IMO

 

2. How the tables turn though past 30s for men, makes up for the unfairness in the early going. Just hold out 20 something guys, unless you are one of the lucky few who found a good one, your time is coming.

 

1. You've got that one right.

 

2. I have noticed looking at dating sites online (it's harder to this outside online dating) that the 32-38 single women are usually far better looking and in better shape physically. Their profiles also seem to be alot nicer. I can't remember the last time I read a profile of a girl 20-28 that was in shape that said, "Looking for a nice guy". The most I see is, "Must be fun", "Must be entertaining", and full of garbage like, "no cheaters", "no lairs", "no jerks" and other phrases that lead me to believe they like that kind of guy. The 30+ girls do have "nice guys wanted" far more than the younger ones do. I guess waiting might not be so bad after all, it helps weed out the terrible ones since if a girl is 30+ and still awesome she will probably remain that way .

[dispatch3d]

 

#1 seems the most likely. I have had girls tell me that they liked me, but not in that way. To me that's an odd concept because I either like a girl or a I don't. If I'm not attracted to somebody, I would never think that I like them. I might think that she's cool or nice, but I'd wouldn't like her. So her liking me as a friend could explain her wanting to see me. Though it's also odd that she's willing to overlook the fact that I am attracted to her. If there was a girl who I know liked me and I didn't return the thought, I'd want to keep my distance from her. That probably also ties into #2. I don't deal with women that often so I don't know how important attention is to them.

 

#3 seems interesting mainly because I'm a big fan of the friends first approach. Of course it's never worked for me. Maybe that's her style?

 

#4. I know she's casually seeing somebody else. I really don't care as long as I get a piece too. A girl wanting orbiters is a weird concept, which I guess boils down to them wanting male attention. I see that it can be a trap if that is all she wants. One thing I will not do is spend time with her when she has another guy around. I've got too much pride for that.

 

I see two reasons for being her friend which you've already talked about. Using her to meet other women and taking advantage or her connections. I'm sure that she has lots of girlfriends and I know that she does get invited to parties and events. Being her friend can be very beneficial.

 

If I was seeing somebody else, I'd have no problem being this girls friend.

 

Here's the deal, 1-4 don't really matter at all as far as your concerned. You're just guessing anyways so who gives a ****. Like green said, if you want to date her go for a relationship-type approach. If you want to befriend her go for a friend approach. Just don't take the well, I want to date you, but if we can't date can we still be friends and maybe one day you'll slip and fall on my penis approach? Lame!

 

Don't go after this one because she's the only option. Bad mindset. There are more opportunities you just have to make them. Go for her because you actually like her. Or become her friend because she actually has a lot of good connections.

 

IME it's normal for girls to flake at the beginning.

[carhill]

I haven't looked at ads under 45 but have seen plenty of 'no cheaters, drunks or drug addicts' in ads from women my age. That's really good information about who they are or have been attracted to.

 

In real life, and this is something the OP can absorb as he sees fit, when in the 'getting to know' stage, a woman reveals a lot about who she is from her perspectives on various subjects, especially relationships. When she rebuffs a romantic advance from a relative stranger but continues to engage, purportedly on the 'friends' level, absent any clear common interests (I don't believe the OP mentioned backgammon or anything like that), that's really good information about her psychology, regardless of whether she gets to kissing or not. This is all the stuff I screwed up on when dating my now ex-wife. I missed important signs as to the nature of her psychology before I was too invested.

 

If the OP is merely tying to gain experience and get his noodle wet, with no thoughts of a LTR (be honest with yourself about that, OP), full steam ahead. Enjoy *all* the potentials which come your way. Don't invest yourself in any of them. Being your age is about adventure, learning and growing. More experience is better. Like I said, ask someone (else) out *today*. Why wait until Monday?

[Yamaha]

When she rebuffs a romantic advance from a relative stranger but continues to engage, purportedly on the 'friends' level, absent any clear common interests (I don't believe the OP mentioned backgammon or anything like that), that's really good information

 

Spot on. Becoming friends takes time so when a women asks you 2 b friends and you just meet her, how can she even know if you are good friend material? ( red flag ). She is more likely a user and, b/c you've shown interest, she can take advantage of you ( if she's so inclined ).

[somedude81]

If the OP is merely tying to gain experience and get his noodle wet , with no thoughts of a LTR (be honest with yourself about that, OP), full steam ahead. Enjoy *all* the potentials which come your way.

That's all I know I want for now. If I still know her a month from now, we'll see what happens.

 

Spot on. Becoming friends takes time so when a women asks you 2 b friends and you just meet her, how can she even know if you are good friend material? ( red flag ). She is more likely a user and, b/c you've shown interest, she can take advantage of you ( if she's so inclined ).

I met her back in June in a month long summer class. We had about 3, 10+ minute long conversations during the session. Then I asked her out and we got lunch for about an hour. Then we had a day date. That's more than enough time.

 

Even then, being "friend material" is not my concern. All I know is that I like her company and can't wait to see her naked. She knows I want her.

Edited August 7, 2010 by somedude81

[Sabali]

If the OP is merely tying to gain experience and get his noodle wet, with no thoughts of a LTR (be honest with yourself about that, OP), full steam ahead. Enjoy *all* the potentials which come your way. Don't invest yourself in any of them. Being your age is about adventure, learning and growing. More experience is better. Like I said, ask someone (else) out *today*. Why wait until Monday?

 

 

Exactly. Men think too much about the future when they should just be dating and having a great time!

 

She cheated on her past boyfriend, so you can't date her because she is going to cheat on you. She lied to her sister about where she was so she will lie to you when you are married. She worked two stiff ones at the same time in college, so she will work two stiff ones during your wedding.

 

I would stop making your fun first date into your future wife all of the time. If you scratch off all of the women from your dating list because she is not Suzy Homemaker, where are you going to get your dating experience for when you start dating Suzy Homemaker? Then your dreams come true and you finally meet Suzy Homemaker but you don't know how to treat her or keep her because you don't have enough dating experience to know how to treat or keep her.

 

I completely agree with carhill. Enjoy all of the potentials. You might even began to appreciate the fact that not everyone is perfect and that it is ok to be with the woman who is not a virgin and who exercises her choice to leave someone for someone who is more compatible and makes her more happy.

[Yamaha]

That's all I know I want for now.

 

If that's true then you need to change your stragedy with women. You plant a seed in their minds and let it grow, over time.

 

Tell her something like "you've never had any complaints from women in bed or you have a huge johnson" ,anything to make her start thinking about you sexually. You have no stake on the outcome so if she goes for it or not doesn't really matter. Also do the same with other women that your sexually interested in. You won't get many takers but if 1 out of 50 ponders it then your on your way.

[MsSydneyLane]

The gurl just wants friendship. If you can deal with a platonic relationship with yhis gurl you like, I think you will have a new bestfriend.

 

Dont expect too much from it. Move on to the next gurl. Good Luck.:bunny:

[Green]

Even then, being "friend material" is not my concern. All I know is that I like her company and can't wait to see her naked. She knows I want her.

 

Girls always look better naked. I personaly don't like having sex on the first date... but seeing and touching a naked girl seems fine to me.

 

Invite her back to your place or ask to use her bathroom when you drop her off. Then you just start talking about random stuff maybe ask for a drink and also say you don't drink alone so she MUST drink to.

 

So its a good idea to try to pick her up instead of meet her there if you didn't realize that already. Just take one thing at a time and go for that KISS.

 

Also use that goal of seeing her naked to fuel your fire. If you get scared imagine what she would look like naked and don't be afraid to let her catch you looking at her body. You're hornyness is defacto confidence when you need it. Its also fun to be horny around a chick you like who you are about to be kissing for the first time.

[jadedone]

I think you should accept her proposal of friendship because if you accept this right now than there is chance that she likes you for relationship more ahead. She likes your company that is the reason why she wants you as a friend. It is not necessary that she has some wrong intense for doing this.

 

Horrible advice. It never works that way. This only happens in the movies. Why does it only happen in movies? because the guys who write those movies are doormats that get friendzoned.

 

 

You have to decline the lunch invite. If she becomes persistant with messages asking you to do something, say like a couple more weeks down the road, then go out with her. Because if she starts chasing then maybe she actually changed her mind about you.

[jadedone]

How the tables turn though past 30s for men, makes up for the unfairness in the early going. Just hold out 20 something guys, unless you are one of the lucky few who found a good one, your time is coming.

 

 

So true. Aging has been much kinder to me than my female peers.

[meerkat stew]

This only happens in the movies.

 

Funny tangent, has there -ever- been a movie that portrays the dating/attraction process accurately? I can't think of a single one. Wonder why that is?

[jadedone]

Funny tangent, has there -ever- been a movie that portrays the dating/attraction process accurately? I can't think of a single one. Wonder why that is?

 

He's Just Not That Into You came close, but in the end the one of the pair of "friends" got together, the other pair did not.

 

500 Days of Summer might qualify.

[nddb]

Move on.

 

She just wants to use you as a doormat to wipe her emotional feet on.

[meerkat stew]

500 Days of Summer might qualify.

 

Oh yeah, saw that one, where the personality disordered, flat affect gal used a boring, ineffectual man as a FWB/placeholder until she found Mr. Right. That actually was fairly accurate. Didn't care much for the movie though.

[zengirl]

Thanks for the responses guys. Monday plans had already been confirmed before I made this thread. We're each paying for our own stuff.

 

I do agree that she disrespected me. She's always been very flaky in replying to texts unless she wants something. If I continue to be in contact with her I will keep that in mind.

 

I don't understand how you keep it "in mind." Either it bothers you that she's flaky and disrespectful . . . or it doesn't. I mean, I have some flaky friends but it doesn't bother me because I know they're not disrespectful. Why hang out with anyone who you would call disrespectful regularly?

 

#1 seems the most likely. I have had girls tell me that they liked me, but not in that way. To me that's an odd concept because I either like a girl or a I don't. If I'm not attracted to somebody, I would never think that I like them. I might think that she's cool or nice, but I'd wouldn't like her. So her liking me as a friend could explain her wanting to see me. Though it's also odd that she's willing to overlook the fact that I am attracted to her. If there was a girl who I know liked me and I didn't return the thought, I'd want to keep my distance from her. That probably also ties into #2. I don't deal with women that often so I don't know how important attention is to them.

 

By "liked you" there I meant likes you as a person. It really isn't that uncommon that I like an unattractive (to me) fellow as a person. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to date him, so I'd say so. I could still be friends with him, if he wanted, but it'd have to be his call and I wouldn't want a "pining" vibe of course. Attraction is so cursory. I wouldn't be friends with a fellow who obviously digs me, but I wouldn't be opposed to later being friends with a fellow who asked me out once or something. Some guys will ask anyone out.

 

The "distance" thing makes sense if she has some reason to believe you're really into her, and also if she understands the complications of such dynamics, which at that age. . . Nobody knows anything. So, don't take #1 as a reason why anything could potentially work out. And only befriend her if you actually want to be friends.

 

#3 seems interesting mainly because I'm a big fan of the friends first approach. Of course it's never worked for me. Maybe that's her style?

 

#3 is pretty rare and usually the bitter, angry people who insist upon it in a controlling way (i.e. I think it's fine to keep anything serious or sexual out of first dates and be "friends first" that way in a clearly communicated fashion, but those people don't call it "just friends" as it is an asserted idea) because they're terrified of dating in general are not good dating prospects. It's not really a "style" except as mention in the parenthesis, and those people usually state it pretty clearly, men and women, and seem healthy doing so. In my experience.

 

#4. I know she's casually seeing somebody else. I really don't care as long as I get a piece too. A girl wanting orbiters is a weird concept, which I guess boils down to them wanting male attention. I see that it can be a trap if that is all she wants. One thing I will not do is spend time with her when she has another guy around. I've got too much pride for that.

 

I think you've hit on something. This makes it likely a combo of #2 and #4. Girls use orbiters to keep their mind off the guy they really like, so they don't come on too strong and scare him away. It's a crutch for actual emotional health. I assume it usually works out poorly for the orbiters. This is actually recommended to women sometimes (as advice!), and I strongly disagree with it personally. It is a pretty crappy thing to do.

 

Are we friends now? I don't know. Do I want to be her friend? I don't know.

 

While I think men and women can totally be friends, I'm going to go with "No" and "Probably not" on these on what I've heard of your case.

 

I see two reasons for being her friend which you've already talked about. Using her to meet other women and taking advantage or her connections. I'm sure that she has lots of girlfriends and I know that she does get invited to parties and events. Being her friend can be very beneficial.

 

This could be true. You could be what I call peripheral friends (basically in each others' social circles) without becoming real friends. It's good to be social. But your other statements make it sound like this would be hard for you.

[zengirl]

Oh yeah, saw that one, where the personality disordered, flat affect gal used a boring, ineffectual man as a FWB/placeholder until she found Mr. Right. That actually was fairly accurate. Didn't care much for the movie though.

 

Of course, the fellow (Tom, who was totally the type of guy I'd date) could've just found himself a nice, normal girl instead of going after one who said in the very beginning she didn't do relationships, who was already causing him massive unease, and who was just filling some silly romantic ideal for him about the heartbreaking nature of love.

 

It's the same thing with women. The female Toms go after the playboys, and the Toms go after the Summers.