confused mistress

[maldita42]

I'm having an affair w/ a MM for almost 2 yrs now, we now have an 8 month old baby from that afffair. He's been separated from his wife for quite sometime now. He said he's not happy w/ her anymore even before our affair started. They've separated several times before, eventhough he's 15 yrs older than me I love him and want to be with him and take care of him. He said and I feel that he loves me more than his wife but he can't have his marriage annulled bec of their 3 children. I never doubted the fact that he loves me but it hurts me so much whenever I think of our situation. I don't want to be a mistress forever but I cant leave him bec of our child and because I love him so much, what should I do? please somebody help me.

[SoleMate]

He may love you, but he's made it clear that he will never marry you. So you have two choices:

 

1) Be his mistress "forever"

 

2) Leave him

 

I understand that they are both unappealing. But they are really the only two choices you have. Just be clear about that.

[maldita42]

Thanks for the advice, I'm thinking now if I'm gonna leave him or be his mistress forever becoz he asked me to marry him yesterday, valentine's day(what a timing!). I have to consider our child in making a decision, if ever I agree to marry him the marriage will be null and void bec of his first marriage. My family does'nt know about our affair but thay've accepted the fact that I'm a single mom, I don't know what will their reaction will be when they learn about the affair.

 

Anyways, I'm still thinking what decision to make, leave him or marry him.

[yes]

you could marry in another country, then your marriage wouldn't be technically null.

 

but, you'll always know there's another wife with kids around ... that's what will always make you feel like a mistress,... or not?

 

tough choice. good luck to you.

 

-yes

[maldita42]

you're right yes, we could marry in another country but I will always feel like a mistress because of his kids. I'm not bothered by the presence of his wife coz he made it clear that his only concern was his kids.

 

Should I invite him to the christening of our child? What will I tell my family when he showed up at the christening of our child?

[yes]

i would certainly let your family meet him, as the father of your child. whatever happens between you two, he's the father of your child and should have a role in the kid's life.

 

does he live with his wife? would he live with you and the baby? why can't he divorce despite the kids - he could have joint custody, no?

 

-yes

[dkopp]

Matilda42,

 

Words are cheap - his actions are what count. Does his wife know of his intentions to marry you? Men will tell a woman whatever they want to hear to keep them hanging on. I learned that the hard way.

 

The cold hard truth is that he will be with whomever he wants to be with more, regardless of the situation of the children. Does his wife know about your child? If she does, why is she still staying with him? When he tells you that he no longer loves her, he may be talking out of both sides of his mouth.

 

He can get divorced if he chooses to. Give him a time limit and if he cannot put his money where his mouth is, as hard as it will be, move on. For both your sake and your sweet little baby's.

 

Good luck and please post again if you need to.

[maldita42]

Yes, dkopp, I can't tell my family...yet, esp my father coz they are working in the same company. He doesn't live with his wife anymore, since I gave birth he left home to live with his mother and now he lives in his boss's house who happens to be my neighbor. He comes here as often as he can, my father knows I know him bec I worked where he is working now (that's where the affair started) so he does'nt mind seeing him here. He told me that even if they had kids he feels that his wife never loved him, that she doesn't care for him. I know it's true coz when he's hospitalized, when I visited him, his wife's not there to take care of him he told me that his mother is the one taking care of him. Anyways, his wife still doesn't know about me and the child, he's crazy about our child coz it's a girl (he has two boys aged 15 &13 and a girl aged 12).

 

I'm thinking if I'm just a passing fancy coz he told me that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him anymore when they're still together, is it possible that he's only with me coz I can give what his wife can't?

 

Thanks for the kind words I'm hoping I can make a decision soon...

[dkopp]

Please don't believe he is not having sex with his wife. He is. They ALL say that. It is not true. As much as it hurts, please know that this is the one thread that each MM share. Thus the LS term "Cakeman". (has it cake and eats it too). If you were to speak with the wife, I can guarantee you that you would be told a much different story.

 

Have you heard this one - that they just don't connect on the level that the two of you do? She just doesn't understand his needs the way that you do? It's the universal MM trait.

 

Be strong. You can do it.

[maldita42]

dkopp,

 

how can I tell the wife when I don't even know her? I only know his side of story & I don't know his wife's side. Every night I cry myself to sleep because of this situation, I don't know if I can cope when I leave him.

 

One more thing, I always feel that we are his last priority coz everytime I ask for child support he'd tell me nothing's left to him coz his wife get all his money (every payday?!) Everytime that's happening and he sees I'm mad he'd always say don't worry I won't neglect our child. But I always feel neglected! Good thing my parents always sees to it that my daughter always have everything she needs.

[dkopp]

Matilda,

First of all, regarding the wife. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call her. THat's what I did. HOWEVER, you do risk really hurting someone else thats innocent AND making your MM very upset with you. You need to give that one a lot of thought.

 

Regarding the child support - this one makes my blood boil just thinking about it. He has a legal responsibility to that child to give you a SET amount every month. I don't care that you're not married to him, you need to be going through the court system. Yes, your parents will find out who the father is, but your child's welfare is at stake here. If you don't feel you can do this, then at least tell him that if he does not give you a set amount each month, that you will go through the courts.

 

Regarding not being able to make it without him - you can. Please believe me that these are not just words because listen, I am going throught the EXACT same thing right now. My MM went back to his wife and ended things with me 4 weeks ago and I wake up every morning wondering how I'm going to make it through the day. I am in a deep, deep depression. But I have the inner knowledge that somehow, someway, I will make it and I will find happiness again. You can do the same.

 

If you are serious about ending it with him, I'd like to recommend a wonderful book about letting go - called "Letting Go". It's written by Tracy Cabot and it truly is a wonderful book about how to mend a broken heart in 12 weeks. I'll let you know if it works but so far it has brought me some comfort. Whatever you decide, know you have people that care about what happens to you.

[maldita42]

dkopp,

 

I told him that if he won't give me a dime this month he'll be hearing from my father. That's what he's afraid of, my father knowing who the father of my chid was. So I'm giving him till the end of the month to give child support, and if he doesn't, it's over between us and my father will know. I know somehow I'll get over him, I don't want to live always hurting, I just want peace of mind and happiness that's all.

 

Any way, I know you will make it just think there are lots of happiness in store for you. I hope one day you'll be happy. I just don't understand why men makes you fall for them then leave you coz they are already committed to someone else. Thanks!