Booty Call without the Booty

[heartsobroken]

Hey Everyone.

 

Here's the situation. For the last 2 months I have had a fwb. He works at the gym I go to. BTW he's 25 and I'm 30. I live with my 26-year-old brother, and the three of us used to talk at the gym a lot. So anyway, for my brother's birthday we invited this guy out and I jumped on him. Good sex.

 

We see each other maybe twice a week now. Here's the thing: we've only had sex about 5 times. I was aggressive at first but then he turned me down one morning...we had a talk and he explained we are fwb nothing more, and he refused sex cuz I guess I hit him with my teeth during a bj (maybe more than once?). Anyway, I apologized and he still comes over.

 

He doesn't EVER initiate sex. He comes over and plays video games with my brother and passes out. In the morning we wake up and he hangs out watching tv until he goes to work (the gym is right across the street from my house). He’s kind of cold with me, never touches me…in the beginning I slept with my arm around him but not anymore. But when I start to let things taper and I just don’t text him, within a week he texts and wants to come over. But then doesn’t initiate sex.

He complained that all his fwb fall in love with him, so I’ve tried to keep it sexual. But he does text once in awhile and ask me to go play pool, go to the baseball game…

Last week I was busy but I told him to call me when he wants to hook up. I got a text out of the blue a few days later saying hey, you have my number too. You can call. I was like “I don’t want to feel like a stalker” and he said you can text sometimes, you should have come over tonight. This is out of the blue at 3am. So I call the next day and he’s busy that night. Then the next two times he comes over he sleeps.

We aren’t good friends, we don’t hang out outside my house, and I don’t get a vibe that he likes me whatsoever. He isn’t even sleeping with me. The guy doesn’t have a girlfriend. I have no idea what to think of this situation. I have a big crush on him but I think I’m doing pretty well at handling it, he implied he doesn’t want me falling in love so I stay as distant as he does. I don’t text him, never call him. I have told him I like him though, and I don’t hide that. I just don’t act on it.

So….opinions? What’s up with this guy? How can I be a fwb when we aren’t friends and there aren’t many benefits going on?

[WTRanger]

How can you be fwb with the crush you have on him? Can't you see that it's already starting to fail? Can't you see that it's starting to go the way he wants to avoid?

 

A real fwb is a false name, it should be called free hooker. The only way a fwb works is without feelings, without jealousy, without remorse, pretty much how you'd treat a stripper or hooker. Which is they they almost always fail and fail epically. The feelings seed has been planted in you and you need to kill it before this turns into a mind f*ck.

 

He's not going to one day fall for you, so for God's sakes stop chasing him. It's pathetic. It's even more pathetic that you allow him to treat you no better than a cheap hooker.

[heartsobroken]

WTRanger,I suppose you're right that it's failing. However, I don't initiate these contacts and he's not having sex with me, even though I want to. So you didn't really answer the question.

[2sunny]

stop pretending to YOURSELF.

 

you like this guy more than you will tell him.

 

you're playing so many games with his head you have him so confused as to whether or not it's just free sex or IF you may actually like him for the person he is - or isn't.

 

what you are doing isn't fair to him - or to you. be honest with him.

 

if you want to date him - say so - with the understanding that he isn't the affectionate type, you may have a hard time getting along because you aren't matched well.

 

if you ONLY want to use him for sex - then say that. to use him for sex and send him mixed signals about "hanging out" is contrary to being a sex buddy.

 

if you only want a friend - then eliminate the sex and dating and simply hang out.

 

send the signal you want him to work from... not the mixed ones you've been sending.

 

have an honest convo about what is expected.

[Yamaha]

What’s up with this guy?

 

What's up with you? Do you have so little respect for yourself you would accept this behavior from someone you like? He just wants pu$$y from you; the cold hard facts. If you want him to respect you never talk to him again and stop giving your body.

[heartsobroken]

2sunny, thank you. I have tried to tell him I just want the sex, I can't keep emotions separate if he's always over here. But you're right, this is stupid. I don't think I'm sending mixed signals, he's turned me down then turns around and wants to come over and then passes out, like leaves the room and passes out without me. I'm the one feeling mixed.

 

But anyway, thanks. I'm going to text him not to call me anymore. This is unhealthy.

[Feelin Frisky]

...A real fwb is a false name, it should be called free hooker. The only way a fwb works is without feelings, without jealousy, without remorse, pretty much how you'd treat a stripper or hooker...

 

Geez and crackers, not in my experience. I had that sort of realtionship a few times and one that lasted several years. We were fond of each other but detached to the point of non-possessiveness.

 

To the OP: It seems you should probably be prepared to get over this guy. He doesn't express himself but gives you signs that your just a convenience when he's in the mood for compnay. He doesn't want to have sex with you much less develop a bond. He sounds rather unworthy to me. It's complicated if you keep him around. So, perhaps you should be the dumper while you still have some capital. It seems you'll be bound to be the dumpee otherwise and that leaves scars.

[harmfulsweetz]

2sunny is right. You have to be upfront with what you actually want from this guy, and what you feel for him. It's absolutely no good acting distant, but saying you like him, because you're saying one thing and doing another. You're trying to play this all out to impress him, to keep him, maybe to keep a little control in this, maybe even to protect yourself? I think your bet is to be open and honest, explain to him that you like him, and would like to date him, or whatever you want to do. If you'd like to just remain an FWB, then say so, etc.

 

However, I don't see what you're getting from this guy which makes you like him so. He comes over when it's convenient for him, he doesn't have sex with you, he passes out playing computer games with your brother, it seems to me that you're more invested and bothered about all of this as he is. I'd prepare yourself to get over him. I could be wrong, but it seems he's not even into the FWB much seeing as you're not exactly having the benefits.

 

I read a great quote somewhere, in a book I think, entitled Be Honest You Weren't That Into Him Either, by Ian Kerner (I think), it was about casual sex, saying that it's all well and good having casual sex if the sex is great, if it isn't, or it doesn't often happen, what is the point in it? What are you getting from it?

[mishy]

you are obviously really attached whereas he couldnt care less

 

get out of this situation, it wont change. Men rarely change

[sugarmomma]

OP sounds like he just comes over because he wants company and not even with you so much. He likes hanging with your brother. One of two things 1. He really doesn't like the sex with you, or 2. He doesn't like girls. Either way dunmp this loser.

 

I'm leery of men I meet in the gym. IME a lot of them are gay and looking for other guys.

[WantToFixIt]

I am curious to know if you two still talk. This sounds like a game you can and should win.

 

If you do still talk you could probably get this guy sprung by playing a few head games. Not sure why you are trying to be honest and straightforward. Most relationships even "healthy" ones have plenty of crazy games.

 

Have sex with him one more time and then act like you completely lost interest after. Keep it slightly apathetic. He will most likely wonder if he sucked in bed and will want another chance. Look sexy and dress provacatively but Don't give it to him and viola - whipped. You win.