Strict Parents

[teaforone]

I mentioned this briefly towards the end of my last thread, but i really use some advice on what to do here.

 

My parents are strict, and over protective, possibly controlling with guilt tripping mixed in a bit. I'm 23, and i have to be home by 9:30 or 10 even on the weekends. Everything i'm about to tell you i've talked to my parents about, countless times but they don't listen at all and nothing ever changes. It basically goes in one ear and out the other with them, they say things will change but i know they won't even as i talk to them. I suppose i just hope maybe each time i try they might actually listen for once.

 

Anyway, to give you a little background i can't watch R rated movies, play some M rated games, or have cds with the parental guidance labels on them. Point in fact i have to hide all these things and can't watch them or listen to them out in the open unless no one is here. I even have to hide some of my comic books and t-shirts. Some go so far as to compare me to Lane Kim from the Gilmore girls.(If any of you have seen it, she literally has to hide everything from her mother)

 

If i have a boyfriend i can't go over to their house, so i lie and make up a bunch of places we're going to instead. If i want to stay out later or stay the night with a boyfriend i have to lie and tell my parents i'm staying with my sister.

 

I pay for all my bills, i have a job, i'm not financially dependent on them in anyway other than i'm lacking a car at the moment and they aren't charging me to live here. I can't afford to move out yet until i get a better paying job or else i already would have.

 

To add a little to what i've already said, when i bought my laptop about 3 years ago my dad wouldn't talk to me for a week after that. When my sister got her nose pierced my dad wouldn't talk to her until she took it out.

 

My dad insists i need to save up a ton of money in order to move out, but is that really that necessary?

 

I've considered just up and walking out the door to hang out with someone even if it was late, the most they would do is get mad at me and i'd get in trouble.

 

Any advice would be very helpful! Sorry if this is a jumbled up mess, i'm just trying to remember everything that might be helpful here.

[brainygirl]

I don't know what your dad means by a ton of money, but to move out you need to be able to pay rent and deposit, utilities, and groceries. Depending on where you live, you could do it for about a thousand dollars if you get a cheap place, plan on eating simply, and can live with minimal furniture and no TV for a while. Oh, and keep the job.

 

It sounds like your parents are a little extreme, but on the other hand, its their house. You could move out, you could start being honest and doing what ever you want and see if they actually throw you out, or you could continue like you have been.

 

You're the adult, its up to you what you do.

[turnera]

I had to tell my 19 year old daughter this year that she had to TAKE control of her own life. She can still act like a teenager, but I don't expect her to. I expect her to start acting like an adult and telling us she's going somewhere instead of asking permission. Time for you to do the same.

 

And how much money do you have saved up? How much are you saving each paycheck?

[teaforone]

And how much money do you have saved up? How much are you saving each paycheck?

 

I have a little over $1,000 saved up but, as i'm only part-time and they aren't letting anyone be full-time where i work right now i'm saving money when i can here and there after paying bills.

[Angel1111]

Anyone would be frustrated living under those conditions but, as someone else already pointed out, you're living in their house so you're at their mercy. You're not going to change their minds about their rules so you would be wise to stop having those conversations. They feel a need to treat you a certain way and as long as you put yourself in their path, there's not much you can do about it.

 

I think your best options would be to move in with a friend, get a roomate, or check on roommates.com where all types of situations exist for renting. The thing is, you need to be able to pay rent.

 

So what's the deal - are you in college, just finished college, or never went to college....?

[teaforone]

So what's the deal - are you in college, just finished college, or never went to college....?

 

I went to college for a semester about 5 years ago and never went back after that. So basically, i'm just working part-time until i can find a better one that pays more and is offering full-time. I'm not having the best luck with that though.

[ShadowBlue]

Most places that are decent and are not in dump areas run at least $850 - $1,000/mo. or more where I live. I work full time and rent's one full paycheck out of the month around here (I get paid bi-weekly). If I were to move out the rest of my paycheck would be spent on utilities and groceries, leaving nothing for savings or anything else. I'd only have $100/wk for extra expenses throughout the week. I can manage because I've learned how to conserve and not spend excessively.

 

I know it's a downer but your parents are right - it's tough out there and it's very EASY to get into financial trouble with credit cards and other traps that would destroy you financially. You have to buy all the little things yourself when you move out - you have to pay for utilities to start them up - you have to buy all the groceries and little things to support yourself on your own.

 

I'm nearly in the same situation with strict parents (I don't have a curfew or am limited in what I can do or buy - just can't buy things that are - in their minds - too expensive) and I'm okay that they are that way. I've been thinking long and hard about my decision and I've decided I need to get a better job first before moving out - I want to have extra money to have fun and do things. In the meantime, I'm putting away a nice little next egg. The disadvantages of living at home for the short time I have left to save up to move out I've decided are fairly small compared to the disadvantages of moving out without enough saved or making enough money.

[Angel1111]

I went to college for a semester about 5 years ago and never went back after that. So basically, i'm just working part-time until i can find a better one that pays more and is offering full-time. I'm not having the best luck with that though.

 

Well I can tell you what I think you should do but you probably won't do it. You need to forget the thing about getting another job and just go to college - full-time. You're most likely never going to get a decent paying job until you get a degree. Yes, there are those rare exceptions of people who do fine without degrees but for the most part, getting a degree is essential in the working world now.

 

How about checking out some universities - out of town so that you can get away from your parents - and talk to them about loans, etc. Is this a possibility for you?

[norajane]

If you want them to treat you like an adult, you do need to show them that you are an adult.

 

Start paying some rent out of what you are earning. Get a second part-time job if you can't find a full-time job right now. Show them you are responsible with your money, and you respect their money and their home, and that they are allowing you to live there. If you really, truly can't pay any rent, make sure you are paying them in trade - clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner sometimes, pick up the dry-cleaning or run other errands for them, whatever you can do to show them you are responsible.

 

Be honest with them about where you are going and what you are doing. If you'll be out late, tell them you'll be out late, and if they fuss, tell them you'll call at x time to let them know you're all right. There must be a reason they are so strict - are they worried for your safety? Are they afraid of what you might be doing (drinking too much, or drinking and driving, getting into some kind of trouble, spending too much money)? Figure out what their reason is and address it.

 

Address whatever their concerns are with honesty. If you have a boyfriend, bring him to your home and have him meet your parents. And then behave like an adult and if you're out, tell them you're going out with him and when you'll be back (YOUR schedule, not according to their curfew) so they don't need to worry you're dead on the road somewhere if you haven't come home. They can't stop you from doing what you want to do. If they fuss afterwards, remain calm, "I'm sorry that you're upset; however, I'm sure you can understand that I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, and I did tell you where I'd be so you wouldn't worry for my safety".

 

As for the movies and music, well, it's their house, so you'll have to suck it up as long as you live there. Don't watch whatever it is they don't want you to watch while they are there. Take the parental advisory stickers off your cd's...do people even buy cd's anymore? I thought everyone got everything on iTunes. Anyway, they have some house rules, but you can change them, as long as you don't try and do it all at once and as long as you aren't pissy with them about it. Just be firm and adult about it.

Edited August 8, 2010 by norajane

[BlackLovely]

I mentioned this briefly towards the end of my last thread, but i really use some advice on what to do here.

 

My parents are strict, and over protective, possibly controlling with guilt tripping mixed in a bit. I'm 23, and i have to be home by 9:30 or 10 even on the weekends. Everything i'm about to tell you i've talked to my parents about, countless times but they don't listen at all and nothing ever changes. It basically goes in one ear and out the other with them, they say things will change but i know they won't even as i talk to them. I suppose i just hope maybe each time i try they might actually listen for once.

 

Anyway, to give you a little background i can't watch R rated movies, play some M rated games, or have cds with the parental guidance labels on them. Point in fact i have to hide all these things and can't watch them or listen to them out in the open unless no one is here. I even have to hide some of my comic books and t-shirts. Some go so far as to compare me to Lane Kim from the Gilmore girls.(If any of you have seen it, she literally has to hide everything from her mother)

 

If i have a boyfriend i can't go over to their house, so i lie and make up a bunch of places we're going to instead. If i want to stay out later or stay the night with a boyfriend i have to lie and tell my parents i'm staying with my sister.

 

I pay for all my bills, i have a job, i'm not financially dependent on them in anyway other than i'm lacking a car at the moment and they aren't charging me to live here. I can't afford to move out yet until i get a better paying job or else i already would have.

 

To add a little to what i've already said, when i bought my laptop about 3 years ago my dad wouldn't talk to me for a week after that. When my sister got her nose pierced my dad wouldn't talk to her until she took it out.

 

My dad insists i need to save up a ton of money in order to move out, but is that really that necessary?

 

I've considered just up and walking out the door to hang out with someone even if it was late, the most they would do is get mad at me and i'd get in trouble.

 

Any advice would be very helpful! Sorry if this is a jumbled up mess, i'm just trying to remember everything that might be helpful here.

 

Your parents are controlling and manipulative. They are also ridiculous because they are treating a grown woman like she is 9 years old.

 

I had the same issues with mine. My parents gave my brothers much more freedom, but less housework. My mother thought she could hit me even though I was in my twenties! I knew that one day I would knock her down and I wasn't going to put up with sexist BS, even though my mother would tell me that "women are second class citizens. Just accept it."

 

When I was 21, I left with nothing but the clothes on my back. As a result, I am viewed as "rebellious" because I didn't want to stay home until I was married, like a dependent and naive woman does.

 

Who cares what your father says? It's your life, mama. How will you ever be happy if you let others opinions shape your life? Please yourself.

 

Struggling financially builds character and resourcefulness. If I can leave with two cents in my pocket, surely you can leave with a part time job. The sooner you stop allowing your parents to clip your wings, the more confidence you'll have.

 

If they are this clueless, talking is not going to work. You cannot reason with parents who have such letting go issues, that they handcuff you with silly rules. It's either get out or suffer in silence.

[denise_xo]

I mentioned this briefly towards the end of my last thread, but i really use some advice on what to do here.

 

My parents are strict, and over protective, possibly controlling with guilt tripping mixed in a bit. I'm 23, and i have to be home by 9:30 or 10 even on the weekends. Everything i'm about to tell you i've talked to my parents about, countless times but they don't listen at all and nothing ever changes. It basically goes in one ear and out the other with them, they say things will change but i know they won't even as i talk to them. I suppose i just hope maybe each time i try they might actually listen for once.

 

Anyway, to give you a little background i can't watch R rated movies, play some M rated games, or have cds with the parental guidance labels on them. Point in fact i have to hide all these things and can't watch them or listen to them out in the open unless no one is here. I even have to hide some of my comic books and t-shirts. Some go so far as to compare me to Lane Kim from the Gilmore girls.(If any of you have seen it, she literally has to hide everything from her mother)

 

If i have a boyfriend i can't go over to their house, so i lie and make up a bunch of places we're going to instead. If i want to stay out later or stay the night with a boyfriend i have to lie and tell my parents i'm staying with my sister.

 

I pay for all my bills, i have a job, i'm not financially dependent on them in anyway other than i'm lacking a car at the moment and they aren't charging me to live here. I can't afford to move out yet until i get a better paying job or else i already would have.

 

To add a little to what i've already said, when i bought my laptop about 3 years ago my dad wouldn't talk to me for a week after that. When my sister got her nose pierced my dad wouldn't talk to her until she took it out.

 

My dad insists i need to save up a ton of money in order to move out, but is that really that necessary?

 

I've considered just up and walking out the door to hang out with someone even if it was late, the most they would do is get mad at me and i'd get in trouble.

 

Any advice would be very helpful! Sorry if this is a jumbled up mess, i'm just trying to remember everything that might be helpful here.

 

Are you a troll?????

 

On a more serious note: I usually try to be diplomatic when I respond to posts, but I'm giving you the unfiltered reaction on this one: your situation is absolutely ridiculous, and as BL said, your parents are treating you like a nine year old.

 

Get to work on creating your own life and get yourself out of there. Do your research: Where are your best chances for getting a full time/ better paid job, how much will it cost to find a room or small apartment there (consider flat shares if you are on a limited budget), find out how big of a deposit you would have to put down, how much you would need every month for utility bills, etc., and make a plan.

 

While I agree in principle with a lot of the things norajane is saying, based on how you describe your parents' behaviour I don't think paying some rent and being more honest about where you are going is actually going to get you anywhere. I second BL: Get out if you want to really address this.

[teaforone]

Well I can tell you what I think you should do but you probably won't do it. You need to forget the thing about getting another job and just go to college - full-time. You're most likely never going to get a decent paying job until you get a degree. Yes, there are those rare exceptions of people who do fine without degrees but for the most part, getting a degree is essential in the working world now.

 

How about checking out some universities - out of town so that you can get away from your parents - and talk to them about loans, etc. Is this a possibility for you?

 

I know your trying to help but i have no interest in going back to school let alone full-time. I have no money to buy books and go to school especially because i have no idea what i want to do, but also because there is no guarantee i'll get a job in what i'm majoring in. In fact someone i know just graduated and he's working in retail instead.

[teaforone]

Are you a troll?????

Why would i be a troll?

[Angel1111]

I know your trying to help but i have no interest in going back to school let alone full-time. I have no money to buy books and go to school especially because i have no idea what i want to do, but also because there is no guarantee i'll get a job in what i'm majoring in. In fact someone i know just graduated and he's working in retail instead.

 

Counselors at colleges can help you figure out what you want to do. And if you can't figure it out, there's always the old 'business' degree. You're ruling out college because of money when loans and other things can cover that. I'll just say this once and then I'll drop it. If you don't get a degree, you're possibly going to be more dependent on others to take care of you. It puts you in a bad, non-negotiationg position. So what if someone you know has a degree and is working retail? That's one story. This is a bad work market right now, and the best time to go to college. Look at the want ads for jobs - 90% of them require a college degree. You're truly messing up your chance to do well for yourself and to extract yourself from being dependent. And if you're banking on a man to take care of you, don't be surprised if that falls apart someday and you turn around and have nothing to fall back on.

 

I'm just saying that you would be smart to make sure that your future has a little more of an edge, a little more certainty. You're young and you're not seeing the big picture. This makes me sad to see a young person make choices like this.

[sally4sara]

Teaforone, do your parents watch R rated movies or do the things you are not allowed to do? Or do they lead a very homey and sheltered life too?

 

I ask because yes, the things you are prohibited from doing seem normal to me as suitable for any adult (as you are of an adult age), but they are not things every adult does. It could be that they are trying to mold you to their own lifestyle and choices. And that is normal for parents to want for their adult kids. So what is or isn't normal varies from one family to another. Where the rub comes in is when their kid doesn't accept those standards. Often, parents will perceive this as a disrespectful rejection of their own choices.

 

If the standards you are expected to live by are not the standards your parents hold for themselves - its a different problem you're dealing with.

I'd just like to know which it is before giving advise.

[Eve]

Move out.

 

Realistically you should have moved out long ago.

 

I cant defend what you are being told to do but get on with what you want to do and prove you can do better.

 

Maybe then you will all be able to have an adult to adult relationship?... unless this is one of those cultural stories where you cant have a life.. ever because you are a girl. At the end of the day parents dont need to know about the intimate side of their childs life once they are 23.

 

Be motivated to support yourself... move in with friends.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[teaforone]

Teaforone, do your parents watch R rated movies or do the things you are not allowed to do? Or do they lead a very homey and sheltered life too?

 

They watch R rated movies, but very rarely because my dad doesn't like the language used which is understandable but he calls them garbage. On the very rare occasion my mom will watch movies my dad doesn't approve of so she sort of feels like she has to hide them for some reason and watch when he isn't here. Basically though, its a pretty sheltered life.

[Angel1111]

If the standards you are expected to live by are not the standards your parents hold for themselves - its a different problem you're dealing with.

I'd just like to know which it is before giving advise.

 

It's not a different problem at all. It's actually very simple - she's living in their house and she has to abide by their rules. If they voluntarily chose to treat her like an adult, that would be great. But they don't and she has to deal with that because she's in the land of 'no choice'.

 

What a lot of people don't realize is that it's also stressful for parents when children extend their stay in the home. Not that they don't want you there but because it adds stress when they wouldn't normally have to deal with it. To lessen that, she can willingly abide by their rules and respect them as long as she lives there.

[sally4sara]

It's not a different problem at all. It's actually very simple - she's living in their house and she has to abide by their rules. If they voluntarily chose to treat her like an adult, that would be great. But they don't and she has to deal with that because she's in the land of 'no choice'.

 

What a lot of people don't realize is that it's also stressful for parents when children extend their stay in the home. Not that they don't want you there but because it adds stress when they wouldn't normally have to deal with it. To lessen that, she can willingly abide by their rules and respect them as long as she lives there.

 

It is a different problem because under one circumstance she would be dealing with hypocrisy and an unfair expectation.

In her circumstance however, she is dealing with an expectation her parents live up to.

While she stays under their roof, how she approaches it depends highly on which of the two circumstances she is dealing with.

 

It sounds like she could make a confidant of her mother eventually. Her mother does things on the sly that her father doesn't approve of much. But considering her age - she'd burn her time more productively by trying to find a shared living situation and getting out. This will alter how she conducts herself in her day to day either way - sure, but they will still be her parents. Because it is a circumstance where hypocrisy isn't involved, moving away will not change the way things are concerning her parents. She will still need to hide things when they come over to visit and refrain from some things when she visits them. She is faced with a life of zero acceptance from her parents no matter what roof she is under because they want her to be as they are.

[Angel1111]

She will still need to hide things when they come over to visit and refrain from some things when she visits them. She is faced with a life of zero acceptance from her parents no matter what roof she is under because they want her to be as they are.

 

Huh??? I don't think so.

[sally4sara]

Huh??? I don't think so.

 

I'll say it more clearly.

 

Her parent's restrictive expectation are not exclusive to her being under their roof or one of their children. It is a way of life they expect her to adopt. In what way will simply moving out change this?

 

It won't. She will just be more able to hide that she does differently than they do and would like her to also do. So moving out will not help her learn to speak up about her own choices where they differ from the choices of her parents. It will only help her not hear flack from them about it.

[Angel1111]

I'll say it more clearly.

 

Her parent's restrictive expectation are not exclusive to her being under their roof or one of their children. It is a way of life they expect her to adopt. In what way will simply moving out change this?

 

It won't. She will just be more able to hide that she does differently than they do and would like her to also do. So moving out will not help her learn to speak up about her own choices where they differ from the choices of her parents. It will only help her not hear flack from them about it.

 

Moving out of their home means that she can live her life as she chooses. What her parents want her to do and what she actually does are two different things and they have no say in the matter as long as she's no longer under their roof. My parents were in a religion that didn't celebrate xmas and they didn't want me to celebrate xmas. If they came to my house in December, they'd see a xmas tree - whether they liked it or not. Once you're an adult, you don't have to live up to your parents' expectations anymore, and you don't have to answer to them. If parents can't accept that, then they need to stay away from their children's home. Allowing your parents to control your life to the point that you hide your lifestyle in your own home is taking it too far.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Angel1111

[turnera]

I went to college for a semester about 5 years ago and never went back after that. So basically, i'm just working part-time until i can find a better one that pays more and is offering full-time. I'm not having the best luck with that though.

Seriously? For five years, you've been doing nothing but working part time? What the heck do you do with all that other time you have on your hands?

[turnera]

I know your trying to help but i have no interest in going back to school let alone full-time. I have no money to buy books and go to school especially because i have no idea what i want to do, but also because there is no guarantee i'll get a job in what i'm majoring in. In fact someone i know just graduated and he's working in retail instead.

Student loans are readily available for education. You go to community college because you don't know what you want to do, so you get the required courses done first - usually takes two years. Then you can start taking courses you're more interested in.

 

If you don't feel like going to college, just say so. And go out and get a real job that pays full-time wages. And move out.

 

Anything else is just excuses.

Edited August 9, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tayla]

FACT: STUDENT LOANS create debt even if they complete the degree. ANd that takes years for some to pay back....

FACT: There is no guarantee that the scholar will even get a job with the economical state business's are in.

FACT: Some folks simply do better in life without going via way of a degree.

 

FACT: At the age of 18 , once considered an adult, guess what....Life is yours to make of it. You are willingly staying ....in a militant household. Sorry that you are enduring such. You make sense though as do others, until you can financially be on good footing its best to save and find some healthy ways to enjoy the situation....Have you considered at the least taking some cooking class's, some econ class's to learn how to safely budget? Our community college has this for young adults and its free twice a month. Sorta the communities way to make sure the young adult is familiar with some common sense things to keep in mind when on their own...