what's wrong with saying...

[wheelwright]

Both sides want to believe that the love is for them and them only. But I agree, I think love probably is often for both, though the intensity can flip flop back and forth for either choice throughout the affair.

 

I respect my H for being honest (finally) about loving us both and not trying to diminish what he felt to spare my feelings, and I know because I saw it, that he would tell her he loved me too.

 

But I've always thought life was shades of gray and not black and white, yes or no, only one or the other, not both.

 

CCL

 

Hi CCL,

 

I thought of PM ing you after this. But have my rights been revoked? I angered soemone on infidelity forum, and got a message from Tony. I don't know if this means I'm stopped.

 

Funny, I was being defensive of the what I saw as negative posts a new poster got, as they considered what to do with feelings outside the M. I feel hijacked, because there was no personal attack from me, but there certainly was (IMO) to that poster.

 

I understand your shades of grey let down. It's never easy, if the beliefs we hold are challenged.

 

It seems you are with your H 100%, which is great, and the love in your posts is palpable without being sung from the rooftops. And through that I can see his for you.

 

One of the problems for your sister and you, might be how are you all going to sit around a table together in the future, knowing about the feelings that run? It might take time for the trust feelings to work again for the three of you. A long time.

 

In the meantime, how to cope with your feelings about her?

 

If she were contrite and reconcilitary towards you, would you accept her?

 

If she said she loves your H and that will never change, how would you feel?

 

If she said she is jealous of your ability to be in a loving R how would you feel?

 

I guess I am wondering what, if it happens that she stops running away, you think you could hear that would make it alright?

 

A for you

 

B for your M

 

C for your R with your sister

[crazycatlady]

Hi CCL,

 

I thought of PM ing you after this. But have my rights been revoked? I angered soemone on infidelity forum, and got a message from Tony. I don't know if this means I'm stopped.

 

Funny, I was being defensive of the what I saw as negative posts a new poster got, as they considered what to do with feelings outside the M. I feel hijacked, because there was no personal attack from me, but there certainly was (IMO) to that poster.

 

I understand your shades of grey let down. It's never easy, if the beliefs we hold are challenged.

 

It seems you are with your H 100%, which is great, and the love in your posts is palpable without being sung from the rooftops. And through that I can see his for you.

 

One of the problems for your sister and you, might be how are you all going to sit around a table together in the future, knowing about the feelings that run? It might take time for the trust feelings to work again for the three of you. A long time.

 

I'm not sure if the three of us will every be around the same table again. I managed a trip with her and our other sister sharing a cabin on a cruise - this was before she knew I knew - and a trip home with her around and about. While my parents haven't a clue (that I know of) what truly has happened, my mom does know that I'm tired of her drama and that I'm not going out of my way for her.

 

In the meantime, how to cope with your feelings about her?

 

I'm trying to forgive or at least let go because I am not comfortable with the feelings of anger that I am holding towards her. It seems to be coming along alright.

 

If she were contrite and reconcilitary towards you, would you accept her?

 

If I felt she was sincere I would accept her. I'm not sure I would trust her again at least not the level that I use to. She was someone I use to confide in.

 

If she said she loves your H and that will never change, how would you feel?

 

I would feel sad because after everything that has happened, I'm not sharing him with her. I might have attempted to try it in the beginning if she had been forth coming and upfront. I would have sympathy for her because I also am fairly sure her reaction to dday happening and when I was visiting pretty much made my H see her in a different light too.

 

If she said she is jealous of your ability to be in a loving R how would you feel?

 

I would feel sad for her. And I would distrust her even more. And probably would keep fairly far away because those emotions can damage you.

 

I guess I am wondering what, if it happens that she stops running away, you think you could hear that would make it alright?

 

There is no way I would ever consider sharing him with her, not after that pain, not after the avoidance, no after her actions. If I am wrong and he decides he has to have her because she has declared her love for him etc, then I would leave. I would be sad, but for my own health and emotional wellbeing, I would not stay.

 

If she stops running and comes to be and tries to make things right between she and I and leave him out of it....I would listen and try to understand and probably try to see if we can regain somewhat of our friendship back.

 

A for you

 

B for your M

 

C for your R with your sister

 

I'm not sure if the bolded answeres your questions, WW or not.

 

CCL

[White Flower]

I have come back to this thread after being out of computer action for a few days.

 

I have liked your comments WF, and those of others.

 

First bolded: Maybe that happens because of a bad year? I didn't believe this before, but Ms seem such a strong love motivator on this forum, it's what I think now (although with rather shaky foundations. Is LS better to base my life on than my instincts?)

 

Second: Yeah, I noticed that!

 

Third: I so wish my xAP had told me this in truth. Told as a lie it wouldn't have worked. But told as truth, it would have been 'get over it' Viagra.

And that's it right there. We have a hard time accepting words when they don't resonate with the truth we know. He/she may say those words because it became too hard to juggle both, or BS was successful at guilting them back home, or some other truth behind the 'truth' and if our gut tells us that, then we question it. But as you say, if he stated that it was over because he realized he does love her afterall, you bet your bottom dollar, if I believe him, I'm so out of there. I won't cling to a man who loves another.

[In_Repair]

And that's it right there. We have a hard time accepting words when they don't resonate with the truth we know. He/she may say those words because it became too hard to juggle both, or BS was successful at guilting them back home, or some other truth behind the 'truth' and if our gut tells us that, then we question it.

 

It should be that simple, yes, but it obviously isn't for most APs. Otherwise, they would walk away the first time their MM/MW told them that they wanted to be with them, but they remain with the spouse instead.

[Silly_Girl]

It should be that simple, yes, but it obviously isn't for most APs. Otherwise, they would walk away the first time their MM/MW told them that they wanted to be with them, but they remain with the spouse instead.

 

Because I believe I know the REAL truth.

[Spark1111]

And that's it right there. We have a hard time accepting words when they don't resonate with the truth we know. He/she may say those words because it became too hard to juggle both, or BS was successful at guilting them back home, or some other truth behind the 'truth' and if our gut tells us that, then we question it. But as you say, if he stated that it was over because he realized he does love her afterall, you bet your bottom dollar, if I believe him, I'm so out of there. I won't cling to a man who loves another.[/QUOTE]

 

Me too! And I'm the fBS!

 

So, no one was more stunned than I that when given carte blanche to go be with his "soulmate" HE turned on a dime and did a complete 180!

 

Hence......fog. Not that he did not love her, or love us both, or whatever, but he then turned on a dime making little sense to both she and I, I would speculate.

 

It's like watching a person move through molasses....hence, fog!

[White Flower]

And that's it right there. We have a hard time accepting words when they don't resonate with the truth we know. He/she may say those words because it became too hard to juggle both, or BS was successful at guilting them back home, or some other truth behind the 'truth' and if our gut tells us that, then we question it. But as you say, if he stated that it was over because he realized he does love her afterall, you bet your bottom dollar, if I believe him, I'm so out of there. I won't cling to a man who loves another.[/QUOTE]

 

Me too! And I'm the fBS!

 

So, no one was more stunned than I that when given carte blanche to go be with his "soulmate" HE turned on a dime and did a complete 180!

 

Hence......fog. Not that he did not love her, or love us both, or whatever, but he then turned on a dime making little sense to both she and I, I would speculate.

 

It's like watching a person move through molasses....hence, fog!

Your experience proves that fog exists for some MM.

[wheelwright]

I'm not sure if the bolded answeres your questions, WW or not.

 

CCL

 

Yes, you answered. Thank you.

 

My computer is on the blink so I didn't respond.

 

The good thing is you are obviously coming out of this.

 

The bad, that it has changed certain things for you with your sister. But maybe it had to be that way?

 

I hope you will be OK with her again. Hugs.

[Dexter Morgan]

...that. the WS spouse fell in love with another, and then simply decided they had love in their M worth working on rather than abandoning a life work.

 

nothing wrong with it. but honestly, this is usually said after the WS has had their little fun.

 

 

Why is there so much discussion about whether they really loved AP or BS?

 

because the cheaters are the ones that spew the tripe that the loved their betrayed partner.....while getting their rocks off effing someone else:rolleyes:

 

 

They probably loved both, and made a life choice based on many factors.

 

sorry, i'd never f##k someone over in one of the worst ways possible if I loved them. just aint gonna happen.

 

 

What I find hard is either OW/OM saying the WS doesn't love the BS but stays, and equally the BS saying the WS does not love the OW/OM and it's only fog. A minimizing tactic.

 

Why can't we take them at their word?

 

taking natural cheating liars at their word? Ever watch Maury? "and the lie detector determined......that was a lie!"

[White Flower]

taking natural cheating liars at their word? Ever watch Maury? "and the lie detector determined......that was a lie!"

Does anybody really ever take Maury Povitch seriously?