Husband attracted to secretary

[paris]

My husband of 20 years hired this woman who has been hateful to me in the past. I accidentally (really) read his email. I couln't believe the things he was saying to this woman. He was telling her how sexy she looks in her jeans, she is smokin' hot, her husband is the luckiest man in the world to have a wife like her, etc.

 

One email I read was from OW saying how she had tried out this lotion and it made her so soft all over. My husband replied that he would pay thousands of dolllars to get to rub lotion on a body such as hers. It got to where he emailed her about every 10 minutes or so. He has his own office (self employed) and was always too busy to do anything with me or our 3 kids. He had too much work to do. Well, how much work was he gettting done if he was spending so much time emailing and text messaging Her?

 

He also gave her flowers and candy on Valentines Day. I don't know what other things he did, I just happen to have found out about these.

 

He also was telling her via email private things about me and also about our marriage. He sounded like he hated me.

 

Well, I confronted him with what I had read and he got mad. Then he said it was all just a joke. He also said that he never touched her and he never even thought of her in a sexual way. I don't know how you can say things like he did and not be thinking of sex.

 

I have always taken his side if I thought other people weren't treating him right. He didn't show me this loyalty by hiring someone who treated me very badly did he? Or when he went on comparing me to her.

 

Do you think that I am right to feel that he betrayed our marriage? Do you think he was thinking sexually by the things he emailed her? I can't help but feel like the second best now. Like the song if you can't be with the one you love love the one you're with.

[supermom]

Speaking as a wife who just learned she had been cheated on, my hubby did the same.....boo hooing about private things in our marriage to the OW just to seem like a victim. It brings the OW right in. It's like he's getting her sympathy first, that's the bait.

 

You're in a hard situation. FIRST AND FOREMOST, your husband should NEVER dissrespect you to anyone. Especially other women. Also it does seem weird that he would hire someone who is openly mean to you. In fact, he should not like her at all, almost hate her if she is openly mean. These are, unfortunately, signs that I would take of an affair.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I know it hurts to feel like #2, I sure did and still kinda do. My hubby and I are working it out only because it was a one time thing but it happened while I was pregnant. Also the sick thing is that at the time he was 28 and she was 16. I am having a big problem with that. He says if he knew her age then he wouldn't of done it, but how can you believe someone who has already betrayed you more than anyone else could (to me)? Our daughter is 16 months old and I just found out 3 wks ago, he came right out and told me.

 

You have way more history with your husband than I do, maybe ask him if he's willing to go to marriage counceling. If he says no, I would end it or at least separate. If he says yes, definetly go.

 

I wish you the best of luck! It's hard being a wife!

[FreeMe]

He says it was a big joke and he wasn't thinking about sex? I wouldn't believe that for one second. I don't think you do believe it. I can't offer any advice but his excuse is utter bulls**t.

[Fancy]

You need to print out every single email you read and save the copies in a safe place (i.e. a lockbox at the bank). Don't keep them in your house.

 

A joke? I don't think so. He knew he was busted and that's the only lame thing he could come up with.

 

Protect yourself.

[SoleMate]

Do you think that I am right to feel that he betrayed our marriage? Do you think he was thinking sexually by the things he emailed her?

Are you asking these questions seriously? Yes, he betrayed you with his words. Yes, of course he was thinking sexually. For crying out loud!!!

 

It's probable that they have not (yet) gotten naked and horizontal. However, this kind of secret sexual teasing and titillation leads in one direction ONLY - unless you grab the wheel right now and give it a hard turn.

 

It's a very difficult situation, legally. I would usually advise the cheating spouse to remove himself from the presence of the other woman/man. However, your husband is her employer, and he might run into legal difficulties if he fires her after sexual exchanges of this sort. Not only do you folks need marriage counselling, you need an employment lawyer.

[Errol]

Anyone who thinks that betrayal begins only when there is physical contact is sadly mistaken. He betrayed you when he hired her and continued with each keypress when he emailed her.

 

Print out the emails like Fancy suggested and keep them, and a journal of your feelings and what has been going on with the two of you. Protect your assets and get thee to a lawyer!

 

I'm so sorry.

[Kat]

Even when you are wrong, you husband should still stand by you, or at least talk to you in private about the decisions you make. He should NEVER EVER put you down infront of anyone else (unless maybe his best mates and even then it isn't serious ) and definately not tell this woman who has hurt you in the past about such things as he did.

 

I would be furious and demand she gets sacked for sexual harrassment, however he has now opened himself up for getting charged with it too.

[brashgal]

<<< I can't help but feel like the second best now. >>>

 

That describes it exactly, it's a terrible feeling. So sorry to hear other women going through this. My thoughts are with you.

[Skittles]

Do you think that I am right to feel that he betrayed our marriage? Do you think he was thinking sexually by the things he emailed her? I can't help but feel like the second best now. Like the song if you can't be with the one you love love the one you're with.

 

 

 

 

Hi paris.

 

Your spouse clearly doesn't take your marriage seriously at this point in time. He is participating in a seduction with this woman and as night follows day will most likely have sex with her.

 

Fancy's suggestion to print out and save the steamy and incriminating emails is right on. They are careless in their courtship...alot of affairs are hard to prove at first because hard evidence isn't available prior to hiring a PI taking pics...

 

She works for him...watch out ...this could be a huge legal mess..another good point.

 

 

Speak to legal and make sure you and your children are protected...

 

Is your marriage worth saving? ...

 

 

Good Luck

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Kat

 

 

I would be furious and demand she gets sacked for sexual harrassment.....

 

How could the OW's behavior ever be construed as sexual harassment? Hello! It's more than obvious, a reciprocated, two-way street between the OW and this poster's husband.

[peakey]

It is soooo common for married guys to talk about their marriage problems and what's "wrong" with their wives to their OW. People have affairs for lots of different reasons, but one common reason is of course because there are problems in the marriage. Some men look for women they can talk to, even if they don't mean to have an affair. They find a "friend" and tell them lots of intimate things about the marriage, about themselves, about what's wrong with their wife. And somehow, that leads to an affair. Firstly, it sends signals to the other woman that he's emotionally available (and also gives the OW "tips" about how to behave and not behave!). Also, some guys have only ever talked about touchy-feely stuff with women they get intimate with. So in talking about touchy-feely stuff to another woman, they kinda get "turned on" or maybe just confuse "intimacy" with sex. (I hope you all reading this know I'm not trying to generalize - I know not all men are like this, and there are also plenty of women who do this, I'm sure)

 

I know what you're going through, because it happened to me. My H would become friends with a woman, open his heart to her about our marriage problems, and then become attracted to her (or maybe he had chosen her because he was already attracted), and an affair would begin. And he almost started down that path lots of times. I would just (usually) find out about it before things became sexual.

 

One of the hardest things for me in my H's affairs was reading the things he was saying about me and about our marriage. It really hurt. I couldn't believe he was still living with me if he thought all those nasty things about me.

 

But, it helped me to look at it this way: we all get fed up with our SO. Sometimes we might say things to our friends like "oh god, he's so useless, he never helps with [fill in here: the kids, the housework, the finances, whatever]". It's just blowing off steam. We tend to exaggerate things when we're angy. The things that my husband was saying was probably blowing off steam too. Maybe the things your H has written to the OW is the same. Exaggerations. Don't take them too much to heart.

 

When things are going bad, we all need to let our feelings out. But there are limits to this. IMO, it is inappropriate for a married person to confide very intimate things to a person of the opposite sex who they are ALSO thinking about sexually. And your husband IS thinking sexually about the OW (Excuse me, but "how sexy she looks in her jeans, she is smokin' hot, her husband is the luckiest man in the world to have a wife like her" is sexual in my books!).

 

If he had issues about your relationship, he SHOULD have told you about them, not his secretary. He has no right to diss you to someone else if he isn't giving you the "right of reply". So I'd say you guys should find out what's gone wrong, and really talk about things and/or seek counselling.

 

Do some searches on the internet about infidelity and emotional affairs. Print it out for him to read. Let him know that affairs aren't just about sex.

 

Wishing you the best.