She doesn't want a relationship because of distance, but still loves me?

[Pianoguy]

I'm going through a break-up that I just can't wrap my head around.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years, we're both 25 now. We met in college, have similar interests, the same friends, and when we finally got together our senior year, everybody pretty much said, "It's about time!" We realized early on that we could have a real future together, and have had a very happy life as a couple ever since. And now, very suddenly, it might be over.

 

Just to paint a picture of our relationship: Her career and post-college life involves a lot of travel, but when she's been nearby, we live together, and it's wonderful. A lot of her life is in my apartment, and we own furniture together. A lot of the stuff here was purchased as a couple. We've gone on a few road trips, and those have been awesome adventures. There's a piggy bank full of money that we've saved up for a year for future travels together and other plans we have. We've always wanted a family, a big dog, and a cat. We both work in the arts, and our talents compliment each other, so we've always been looking forward to future projects when our careers get off the ground, which is finally starting to happen (THANK GOD!).

 

All that's wonderful, but we've had a lot of relationship strain over the distance. My career as a musician has involved lot of local networking, so I've been in the same place for a while. Her career is in opera/theater, which has her traveling from program to program every 3 months. It's financially impossible for me to follow her, but we've made it work so far. She's caught the "travel bug," and found work in Germany for six months starting in June. We fought over this, but agreed to make it work.

 

In early July, we talk via Skype, and she's decided to stay for another year. I freak out, she tells me she loves me while crying. We talk later, and she tells me over email that she feels she needs to travel for another year, or maybe five. She still loves me and always will, and she doesn't want to let go of me, but it seems impossible to keep our relationship. We talk soon after that, and patch things up a little, and she says she still wants to end up with me when she's ready to settle down. After a very emotional week she tells me: "I love you, and I am so grateful to have you in my life. But I don't feel I can focus on a relationship right now." I've been on NC ever since just to get my head straight.

 

How should I be reacting to this? I feel like I'm single, but not. I feel like I should walk away, but she still loves me. She still wants to marry me someday, but is distancing herself emotionally right now. We've always been very honest with each other and I feel that I can trust her, plus she's not the type to have flings with other guys. I can't tell if this is some sort of trial in our relationship, a break-up, a break, or what. Any thoughts or similar experiences? I'm simply in disbelief that this could be happening

[sloudrou]

99% of the time, "I don't want a relationship" means "I don't want a relationship WITH YOU". It sounds like right now you're just the lilypad, and she's gonna jump to the next lilypad as soon as it becomes available. Of course, there is a small possibility that I might be wrong, but the scenario I just described is usually how it plays out.

 

Here's what you need to do:

 

1. Stay on NC with this woman until/unless SHE CALLS YOU. But don't hold your breath.

 

2. Start seeing other women, even if just casually. You don't have to have sex with them if you feel guilty about it, but you need to get yourself some other female companionship.

 

3. Stop investing so much into this emotionally. You can't control what your pseudo-girlfriend does, so let her do what she wants. But in the meantime, you need to get on with your own life.

[Pianoguy]

Honestly, I can't believe that.

 

Before she left, she put a beautiful love letter under my pillow, telling me that she is sorry for leaving for so long, that she loves me dearly, and she will miss holding my hand, seeing me in the morning, cooking and dancing together, etc. She goes on to say that she's so excited to celebrate when we finally do get married after we've "earned it" because we've done what we needed to do ourselves. She says, "A + B will not cower from a challenge! We have our love to support us, and we will keep our eyes on the goal - a home, a happy family, and pets - to help us through the coming months. Love always, forever your girl, -B" There are a few other little tidbits in there... "Home will always be in our arms," "I love us and our exciting future." Absolutely no way this was all lies.

 

So... why suddenly so distant?

[LucreziaBorgia]

That sweet letter was probably a bittersweet goodbye wrapped up in false hope because she wasn't quite ready to let go all the way. It sounds like right now, having the sort of relationship you had isn't as high on her priority list as it was before. I don't know that it has as much to do with feelings as it does choosing something over those feelings.

 

You are at a crossroads, and she walked her own way and her distance shows it. Now it is time to walk yours. All of the 'married one day' stuff is irrelevant. 'One day' doesn't really exist, and it will be better for you if you set that aside for now.

 

I would stay NC, except for one thing - she needs to know that you are walking away as well and that she should not expect you to wait for a 'one day' that doesn't seem likely to come. That is not fair to either of you to hang up your life waiting on 'one day'.

[Pianoguy]

Thanks for the great advice, NewYorkPinky. I've been listening to her, but I've been so clouded by my own feelings that I probably wasn't listening nearly enough. This has always felt like it should have been a rough patch instead of a break-up... The NC has been good so far and the space has felt healthy. I'll write her in a bit to check out. Still not especially hopeful, but if this relationship can be healed (even by doing nothing), I'm there to put in the effort. Hopefully I won't burn any bridges in the process.

[EthanH]

I don't think you should freak out too much about this, but at the same time, you need to be realistic.

 

To me, her mantra at the moment is to live life, and never turn exciting opportunities down. She wants to have fun, and unfortunately, not that you meant to, but you have become a weight around her neck. You say you fought over her spending an extra year. I have done long distance, and it falls apart when one person is happy and enthusiastic about where they are, and the other is pining and without meaning to, resents the fun the other is having. I think she has sat down and thought, 'should i be compromising my experiences in life?' ... she is still young, she wants to see new things and places, she can get married and have kids in the future, but now, she just wants to be free. I don't think this has anything to do with you really, or has any reflection on how much she loves you, although I do think there is a gradual impact of you not being happy with her being away. In long distance relationships which are beginning to crumble, it is a gradual drip-drip-drip towards break-up, I don't know for sure if yours was like this, but I am willing to guess that over time, you had little argument after little argument, she had a day meeting new people, having fun, still missing you but being able to see the value in her current adventures, then maybe you spoke in the evening, and had an argument, or she felt the tension in your voice, and over time, if that happens for a while, that feeling she has to want to speak to you, the positive feeling she associates you gradually gets soured. It becomes a situation where she still misses you, but that feeling of excitement and positivity of speaking to you just becomes eroded. I would be willing to bet, by what you have said here, that this has happened. I'm not sure what you can do to change this. Maybe going to see her, and being happy for her, stopping her from associating negatively with you, so that when she thinks of you, her first initial reaction again is one of positivity would change things.

 

I also think, your comment that she 'isn't the type' to hook up with random guys is also indicative of how you see her. Why isn't she? I'm not saying she is with others, but she has clearly changed a lot since she has been away, so I don't think you can be sure what she is thinking. The fact you even mention it, to me, shows that it is a fear in your head.

 

IF she really does love you as much as you say she does...she will come back. If she sees you as confident, rather than pining, she will find you more attractive (afterall, she fell for you not when you were insecure and on edge, but positive and confident)... I think these facts point to how you need to act. You need to stop focussing on her, focus on yourself, get back excited with life again in a way which she clearly is. Although you don't want to admit it, this whole story proves that you both want different things at the moment. You can either cry and wreck everything around you, or you can accept it, and work positively for yourself and in a round-about way, your chances with her. IF she has a relationship with another guy, fine, let her, but don't sit around waiting for her, if you really believe she loves you enough to marry you, thereby saying, 'you are the one for me'... you shouldn't fear things, she will come back. But if she doesn't you won't have put your life on pause. I know it is extremely difficult, you want to make sense of things, you want to point to all the reasons why she still wants to be with you, and you want to pile them all up and if you convince enough people of it, you believe are comforted by the fact that there is a chance that she too will see the logic. But none of that really matters atm. What matters is you refusing to sit around wasting your time on something which you really do have no control over. If it is to work, she needs to come to you. Nothing else. So you can either accept that, or you can fight it, but fighting it isn't really going to make her more likely to change her mind, in fact in many ways, it is more likely to make it less likely that you guys will have a strong thing in the future. The hardest thing is to let her go, but show confidence in yourself, that she won't meet anyone better, and realise that at the moment, it is best to concentrate on yourself.

[Pianoguy]

Huh, my latest post didn't show up. Weird.

 

EthanH -- You're absolutely right. She wants to experience traveling all over the world, and she's torn between two things she can't have at the moment. We've definitely had some strain because of money, but things are looking much better for me right now and she knows it, so I'm optimistic about that. There is a fear in my head that she's found another guy because anything is POSSIBLE, but she's traveling from place to place so much, and flings with guys is really out of her character. Then again, anything's possible.

 

After a week of NC I realized there's nothing I could do to have her fly back over here, and there's nothing I did to make her leave, which puts things in perspective a bit. I happened to find her on Skype yesterday, so I broke NC and talked to her for a bit to see how she's doing, and let her know I'm doing well. We saw each other on the webcam, and she was very happy to see me. I'd sent her a very positive, romantic letter one week ago (one day before she recommitted to not focus on a relationship right now), and she told me she received it, and it made her very happy. That's good, I think?

 

I'm looking for work abroad so I can experience some travel myself and be near her at the same time. There aren't many ties at home right now, so maybe this really is the time to do it. She's always bugged me to do it before, so I think I need to commit to that. Sounds like fun... a bit of a gamble, but that's exciting, too

 

For the conversation, I made sure to keep things positive, but I did end up telling her I loved her, she told me she loved me too, she's excited to see me when I travel over there, and she misses me. So... okay. It was very odd because it feels like we're still a couple, but on some level she wants to have some space. I told her I understand that she needs to be on her own over there and I don't want to hold her back, so we'll go on about our lives right now, but it's wonderful to chat with her and we still love each other, so let's reconnect from time to time and not close any doors. She liked that. I'll write her a letter a week since she enjoys that, but I'll focus on myself for the moment.

 

So... this is definitely weird. Still not sure what the situation is, but at least we're talking and the outlook is positive. I'll keep contact very low, because I think she needs space right now, and it might help me figure things out as well. In a week, we might be in a different place.

 

EDIT: And I am getting a bit paranoid that she wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side... Should I confront her on that suspicion? I'd like to say I trust her, but... these last few weeks have been really weird.

Edited August 10, 2010 by Pianoguy

[Pianoguy]

Things are at a point where they make sense now. We've been talking about once a week. Just had a somewhat heavy conversation after the usual friendly stuff because, honestly, I needed some answers over here.

 

It really sounds like the distance for such a long, long time is the only thing that's been causing her distress, and she really can't get over it. But, she still loves me, doesn't want to cut me out of her life completely, and she can't handle the responsibility of a relationship with her over there and me over here. Nothing's going to change that, so I've accepted it. She's always been a very honest person, so I believe her. She has been honest about everything in the past, I just sometimes have to pull it out of her.

 

So, we've agreed to go on a break while we pursue our different goals. No responsibilities to each other, but we do still love each other right now, so we agreed to stay faithful. But, we'll cool down on the romance. We left on a positive note, but who knows what's going on happen? If we end up drifting apart, I think it will hurt less than if we were to completely cut ties with one another so suddenly.

 

I'm not especially happy with this, but it feels like the right thing to do. Anyone think this sounds, really, really stupid? Has anybody been burned by going on an LDR break?

Edited August 14, 2010 by Pianoguy

[bboy]

I'm not especially happy with this, but it feels like the right thing to do. Anyone think this sounds, really, really stupid? Has anybody been burned by going on an LDR break?

 

Oh yes I have.

 

A break is the same thing as a break up. Don't think for a second that you're some sort of heroic if you stand there waiting for her. Treat this as a break up. A break means that new things will get into her life with new experiences and new people. These things WILL mess with your head and you WILL pull the wrong conclusions out of this.

 

Remove all memories and contact information for now. Don't look back and read the No Contact guide.

 

All Facebook, MySpace etc etc.. should be cleaned out. For now. It can ALWAYS be added again in the future - it is not a terminal decision of never seeing that person again. It is ONLY to protect yourself from harm.

[Pianoguy]

Oh, I know how well NC works. I've been low-contact for a while because things were so up in the air, and now I'm considering NC. I haven't been Facebook friends with her for a while, although we've been talking via Skype once a week. Really pacing conversation like that has helped keep my sanity... for the most part. I still don't feel like forcefully breaking-off contact altogether is a healthy thing. If this hurts too much, I'll do it, but for now, this feels about right. If it still doesn't work out, then, well, I guess I'll have to.

[GrayClouds]

Oh, I know how well NC works. I've been low-contact for a while because things were so up in the air, and now I'm considering NC. I haven't been Facebook friends with her for a while, although we've been talking via Skype once a week. Really pacing conversation like that has helped keep my sanity... for the most part. I still don't feel like forcefully breaking-off contact altogether is a healthy thing. If this hurts too much, I'll do it, but for now, this feels about right. If it still doesn't work out, then, well, I guess I'll have to.

Please do not kid yourself, it is over, she is just using the distance as an excuses. She is trying to give you a soft landing but it is only lengthening the fall before you hit bottom. You looking for it to make sense but you do not want to see the simple logic; she wants out and you do not. That is the only real answer.

 

Sorry for your loss, but it is time to go NC and trying to keep your thought on what your future.

[Pianoguy]

Two things -- First, I'm not willing become that pessimistic, although I do want to be realistic; We DO love each other, but she's still gone. Secondly, if you were talking about my previous girlfriend, I'd agree wholeheartedly, but she doesn't "want out" because we're incompatible or that she wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side. This has all been a shock, but things have settled, I'm confident that this is the situation.

 

I'm taking this seriously because our relationship has been serious, so I'm not willing to put it into a "she doesn't dig you anymore, get over it" box. It's not quite that simple.

 

That being said, I AM NOT counting on her coming back any time soon, but I'm not willing to burn that bridge. I've been familiarizing myself with the NC rules just now, and it's looking like that's what I should do. Her stuff is already boxed-up from before, contact info doesn't really apply because her stateside phone is deactivated and I know her email address from memory. Also, we're not Facebook friends so I don't have to deal with all that.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude. I don't post very often but, WAKE UP DUDE! She wants to continue to live abroad for another year and up to FIVE YEARS! Are you kidding me? Look, I know you love her, and perphaps she loves you but maybe not as much as you think; to willingly be away from you for up to five years! And she wants you to wait around? Sorry to be so blunt. But, sometimes you just need to get hit with a 2x4 to see a little clearer.

 

Dude, it may not seem like it now but if you continue to talk to her, you are gonna get hurt. Go NC immediately. She made her choice; therefore, she should see what it feels like to not have you in her life. Now, I don't know you or her. However, from what you've written, it feels like she's stringing you along. And that's not fair to you.

 

Go NC. If she TRUELY loves you, she'll rethink what's important in her life and maybe living abroad isn't worth losing you. But, if she does stay away, at least you know where you stand and you can move on with your life.

 

I can say that I love a woman till the cows come home, but they're just words. It's my actions that define my love. I understand that you want to be supportive, but this was only supposed to be a 5-6 month gig that is now turning into years away. What do those actions tell you?

 

okay, I'm off my soapbox. But, I can say this. No one wants to see you hurt and I think this might be a destructive path you're walking on. Tread lightly and keep us posted. I'm pull for ya!

[Pianoguy]

I hear ya, this just SUCKS It's really shattered my beliefs to see that this relationship could fall apart. It's a hard pill to swallow, and right now, it feels like if this relationship fails, there's no hope for anything else. Everything you just said has definitely gone through my mind before... In theory, it's easy to move on -- in practice, walking away is extremely hard. But that's what NC is for, right?

 

I've written out a lot of the NC stuff on the whiteboard in my bedroom so I see it every day when I wake up. One day at a time. Thanks for the support, I'll keep posting! Hopefully you guys/gals understand that I'm emotionally volatile right now.

[GrayClouds]

I hear ya, this just SUCKS It's really shattered my beliefs to see that this relationship could fall apart. It's a hard pill to swallow, and right now, it feels like if this relationship fails, there's no hope for anything else. Everything you just said has definitely gone through my mind before... In theory, it's easy to move on -- in practice, walking away is extremely hard. But that's what NC is for, right?

 

I've written out a lot of the NC stuff on the whiteboard in my bedroom so I see it every day when I wake up. One day at a time. Thanks for the support, I'll keep posting! Hopefully you guys/gals understand that I'm emotionally volatile right now.

 

It is understandable your emotions is all over the place. Part of it a physiological effect that your body goes through when faced with trauma. It the same "fight or fight" response that happens if you were in danger. It is instinct but it will get better. It is difficult for not only do you have to grieve a loss of someone important in your life but a future you was planning on. That is a lot so allow yourself to feel bad for a bit.

 

As hard as it is right now doing those things included in NC and it will help you get there faster. Specially the exercise, and being with friends, make sure you keep eating well and keep busy. If you have not read or reread the following:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

Give yourself some time, it will get better. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

Dude, I believe me. I know it sucks! If relationships were easy, these forums wouldn't exist! You've made it very clear that you love this girl. Which is a good thing. It shows your character and you have the ABILITY to love someone. But, that love should be equaled by her. I know she wants to follow her dream, then let her. But, she shouldn't be surprised that you've moved on, and when she realizes that she threw a good relationship away, that will be her mistake and a mistake she'll have to live with. Not you.

 

You may have believed that she was the one, and maybe she is. Again, I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but this is her choice. You don't have to be waiting for years for her to find out.

 

Always believe that there's a girl out there at that was made for you. And she's waiting for you to find her....

 

Think about that.

[Pianoguy]

Well, I feel like I'm in a different place now. I'd sent her an email a while ago (before going NC), and she responded the next day and wanted to know how I was doing. It's been sitting there for over three days, but ever since I got it, I've had no urge to reply. There's really nothing to say. Instead of feeling affection towards her, I'm mostly feeling bitter that she abandoned me over here so she could pursue her dreams over there. If the roles were reversed, I don't think I would have done what she did if I truly loved her. It still feels like everything fell apart for stupid, short-sighted reasons, but I guess I'll have to deal with it anyway. Right now, the sort of devastating hurt that she caused me makes me wonder if I even love her anymore. I've felt that way for a few days now. But still... if she persists in trying to talk to me... should I break NC to send a clear message? I'm assuming "no" here

[Darren Steez]

Piano Guy I don't get this she doesn't want the responsibility of relationship stuff, its like wrapping cotton around barbed wired bull, all this seemingly honest up front wording. Look, she knows you very well, and in her heart loves you in some way, but not in love with you, she's distanced herself emotionally and whatever she does forth she doesn't have to feel guilty because you're on "break". She says she wants to marry you one day, you guys made a pact to be faithful?! what's not adding up, if you're faithful to each other and you're not screwing around and you still love each other and she knows you're the one she wants to marry then why not continue the relationship? She's keeping you on a leash of false hope just in case whatever she has fizzles out, because you know what, you're in love and you'll always be there for her. And now you're asking yourself, what did I do wrong, how can you fix it, how can you make things better to win her back..the only way to win her back is to move on with your life, hit the gym, start feeling good about yourself and for gods sake date someone else. If she truly loves you and wants this relationship, then she'll do what it take to commit to you! Not dazzle you with the wordplay of sincerity.

[Pianoguy]

Darren, that's pretty much how I've felt for the last few days.

[Pianoguy]

Nothing new to update, but I need to vent my feelings because they've been bottling up. Every time I think I've started to move on, it gets a little harder. I've had a strong urge to break NC, but I've resisted so far. At first, I thought was doing great, but then I looked at the timestamp of her last email -- only four days old. It's felt like weeks! On my whiteboard are rules I made for myself to get my life together. I rewrote them this evening, and that's helped a little, but staying active isn't enough anymore. I don't have any enthusiasm to practice (musicians out there will know this is a big deal), and I've been exercising but it hasn't been taking my mind off anything. I've tried absorbing myself in work and hanging out with friends, but nothing makes the pain go away. Meanwhile, she's in Europe doing God-knows-what and somehow comfortable with the idea of heartlessly pushing me and my family out of her life after wanting to marry me two months ago and being PROUD to take my last name someday. (Seriously, has she lost her mind!? Do all women think this way??)

 

Venting over. I'll go for another jog, maybe that will take my mind off of this.

[VeveCakes]

Pianoguy.....I can totally relate to your posts - but from your gfs side. I moved overseas when I was dating the person I thought for sure I would be with forever. I lasted 6 months, and the absolute change in culture, the need to travel and the discovery of how big the world really is was jus t too much for me to pack up and come home. Perhaps if you could have moved over there with her it would have been different, but its not.

 

Your gf is in another country, meeting new people, experiencing new things, starting a new life. Sadly no matter how hard you BOTH try to keep things together, it will be nearly impossible...and as it seems right now you are the only one trying, I don't think it's worth it.

 

She wants to go experience the world and life, and have a great guy waiting for her years from now incase she comes home and wants to settle in family life. Is that what you want? You know you deserve better than that. A break is total and utter BS. It means you stay home and behave while she goes out and does what she wants without the guilt.

 

I would keep the NC, and unfortunately just try to learn what you can from this break up.

[Pianoguy]

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, VeveCakes but at least it's some honest perspective. It's still very disheartening to know that this CAN happen in the first place. I'd always thought that when people like us loved each other as much as we did, and when a couple wants to end up with each other, you would both try to work it out. Apparently, she'd rather bail, send me an email about it, then run as best as she can. I deserved a lot better than that. Truthfully, it's made me lose a lot of respect for her; either she's acting cowardly, or she's just totally heartless. If she "grew" in some way that thinks I'm just excess baggage... that just seems sad to me.

 

I'm still shocked that this would even happen. I'd like to not become totally cynical, but if a relationship like ours can end up here, I don't know what to believe anymore.

[bboy]

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, VeveCakes but at least it's some honest perspective. It's still very disheartening to know that this CAN happen in the first place. I'd always thought that when people like us loved each other as much as we did, and when a couple wants to end up with each other, you would both try to work it out. Apparently, she'd rather bail, send me an email about it, then run as best as she can. I deserved a lot better than that. Truthfully, it's made me lose a lot of respect for her; either she's acting cowardly, or she's just totally heartless. If she "grew" in some way that thinks I'm just excess baggage... that just seems sad to me.

 

I'm still shocked that this would even happen. I'd like to not become totally cynical, but if a relationship like ours can end up here, I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

Sounds like "stick the head into the sand" move.

It's usually a result of "I don't want to confront myself" feeling.

 

And you should be doing the "My life isn't about waiting for you" thought.

[Pianoguy]

Confront myself? In what way? I've got some problems, sure, but it's not like my life is in total chaos and I need to change myself. I've made some very big and very successful moves lately that have me pointed in a great direction, and I'm confident about that, and she knows it. Things are looking positive, and I'm focusing on that the best I can, but it's not easy to do all the time. But you are right that my life ISN'T about waiting for her, but as hard as I try, sometimes she just won't get out of my head. It's easy to do in theory, but in practice, pretty tough.

[bboy]

Confront myself? In what way? I've got some problems, sure, but it's not like my life is in total chaos and I need to change myself. I've made some very big and very successful moves lately that have me pointed in a great direction, and I'm confident about that, and she knows it. Things are looking positive, and I'm focusing on that the best I can, but it's not easy to do all the time. But you are right that my life ISN'T about waiting for her, but as hard as I try, sometimes she just won't get out of my head. It's easy to do in theory, but in practice, pretty tough.

 

Piano,

The first two lines were directed towards your ex. Not you.