She doesn't want a relationship because of distance, but still loves me?

[Pianoguy]

And as soon as I think I'm out, I get dragged back in > A friend tells me that, yes, she's dating again (as am I, no shocker there), but that she can't get over me and is hopeful that we can get back together years and years down the line. I've been NC for just about a month, now of course I'm at zero yet again. I'm not quite sure how to process this... first of all, who knows what's going to happen in years, so that's a little weird, but it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Ugh. I've been debating whether or not I should say hello on her birthday next month, but it sounds like a really dangerous idea. At the moment, I'm still looking for any way to take my mind off of her, meet new people, and move on. Work is going well, and I've been working out, so I might get lucky soon.

[pandagirl]

And as soon as I think I'm out, I get dragged back in > A friend tells me that, yes, she's dating again (as am I, no shocker there), but that she can't get over me and is hopeful that we can get back together years and years down the line. I've been NC for just about a month, now of course I'm at zero yet again. I'm not quite sure how to process this... first of all, who knows what's going to happen in years, so that's a little weird, but it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Ugh. I've been debating whether or not I should say hello on her birthday next month, but it sounds like a really dangerous idea. At the moment, I'm still looking for any way to take my mind off of her, meet new people, and move on. Work is going well, and I've been working out, so I might get lucky soon.

 

For now, keep NC and keep on living your life like she isn't part of it.

 

Honestly, if two people had a meaningful relationship and truly loved each other, it takes a long time for those feelings to go away. It just takes time, and then eventually, you'll fall in love again with someone else.

[Pianoguy]

Well, I broke NC. Hard. But I know there's zero chance for a relationship again where we are in our lives right now, and I know staying friends is an absolutely ridiculous idea, but harboring all this jealousy and anger is eating me up inside. I wrote her acknowledging where we are in our lives and that there isn't a place for each other in it, but as we lead on our lives separately, I hope we can stay in touch on occasion. Not often, or even once a month, but I don't like maintaining a brick wall between us.

 

I didn't tell her this, but I'd like to remain single or find another girlfriend right now. And this feels like a healthy place to be. Honestly, we had a really good connection, and we'd always felt like we could have been wonderful friends before we started dating, but there was too much drama in the way. There's still a lot of drama, but holding this grudge has been driving me crazy. Things happened. Life goes on. I think I'll always love her (not in a romantic way), so maybe this is where things should be.

[Pianoguy]

She wrote back quickly -- and she was really, really happy to hear from me. She misses me very much, and wrote a letter recently telling me that she still loves me and is still my girl (but she didn't send it). So... the plot thickens. It still doesn't change the fact that she's over there, I'm over here, and likely will be taking time to "smell the roses" and having some European romance. Incidentally, I wouldn't blame her -- but knowing that, I'm not going to insert myself back in her life, as an LDR or friends or otherwise. The good news is that a HUGE wave of depression and self-pity washed away as soon as I read her letter... it feels so nice to be happy again, even if it's just for a little while.

[cozenedindigo]

Hey Pianoguy,

 

You sound like a wonderful man. Just from your few forum posts I can deduce that any woman would be lucky to be in your life. You're doing great. I can't even imagine the pain you're going through, because my latest relationship was a 5 month barely there thing, where he started off really enthusiastic and basically just chickened out and left, all the while spewing words of deep, deep love. I figure now that it was mostly the guilt talking. [He was a traveler, and he envisioned some sort of perfect fairytale with me, which remained as long as things were fun and games, but ongoing family issues made my life extremely complicated which quickly led to him bailing. So now I'm single and trying to rebuild everything -- apart from grieving him I need to focus on my newly single mom who is struggling to come to terms with 36 years of abuse from my dad and work on University applications whose deadlines are fast whizzing by!] Stick to your guns, you truly sound fantastic and no matter how cliched it sounds it is totally and utterly HER loss! Why waste your time and energy over something you ultimately don't want? You feel like you want her, but think about how jealous, angry, sad and tortured you've been. A relationship is not supposed to make you go down that road, not one that you can re-start with trust and respect. I wish you the very best.

[Pianoguy]

Thanks so much for that, cozenedindigo It's tough to move on, but even though we're talking again from time to time, nothing's changed on her end from what I can see -- she says she misses me, loves me, and is still my girl, but she's still playing games and failing hard on the communication thing. At the moment, I'm really not interested. She'd have to do a LOT to make up for all the insanity she's put me through, and I just can't see her lifting a finger to re-establish any sense of trust or commitment. Supposedly she wrote me a lengthy letter, but she's holding off on sending it for some reason... and I'm really f**king sick of these games.

 

Haven't been out there dating much, but I've been enjoying some solitude and absorbing myself in work. Hopefully things will get even better and I'll have lots of extra cash, then I can start a new life over here! I'm excited at the thought of a little luxury beyond just "getting by."

[bl22]

Hey pianoguy

 

alot of what you says sounds familiar to my situation, was with a very loyal, sweet, beautiful girl who didnt enjoy drinking and nights out every week, same with me as I dont drink either.

 

Start of this month everything changed about her, she wants 'space' she goes out drinkin with new friends at least twice a week, then tells me she likes someone from work. We're now broken up obviously and she tells me 'i hope there is a future for us again someday' ' i stil love you' yeah whatever empty words.

 

I knew when i read your story there would be someone else involved to make her change like this, there always is. Hopefully we can both pull through this.

[Pianoguy]

Sorry to hear about that, bl22 For all the hype about men being awful, I've sure seen a lot of women do some appalling things. It seems like they just go insane all of the sudden. Hopefully they grow out of it eventually... I'm don't want to be a misogynist, but I've have so many friends hurt in such terrible ways (myself included), I don't really want any woman in my life right now. That will change at some point I'm sure, but for now, focusing on myself sounds like a good place to be.

[deuces]

I don't think you should freak out too much about this, but at the same time, you need to be realistic.

 

To me, her mantra at the moment is to live life, and never turn exciting opportunities down. She wants to have fun, and unfortunately, not that you meant to, but you have become a weight around her neck. You say you fought over her spending an extra year. I have done long distance, and it falls apart when one person is happy and enthusiastic about where they are, and the other is pining and without meaning to, resents the fun the other is having. I think she has sat down and thought, 'should i be compromising my experiences in life?' ... she is still young, she wants to see new things and places, she can get married and have kids in the future, but now, she just wants to be free. I don't think this has anything to do with you really, or has any reflection on how much she loves you, although I do think there is a gradual impact of you not being happy with her being away. In long distance relationships which are beginning to crumble, it is a gradual drip-drip-drip towards break-up, I don't know for sure if yours was like this, but I am willing to guess that over time, you had little argument after little argument, she had a day meeting new people, having fun, still missing you but being able to see the value in her current adventures, then maybe you spoke in the evening, and had an argument, or she felt the tension in your voice, and over time, if that happens for a while, that feeling she has to want to speak to you, the positive feeling she associates you gradually gets soured. It becomes a situation where she still misses you, but that feeling of excitement and positivity of speaking to you just becomes eroded. I would be willing to bet, by what you have said here, that this has happened. I'm not sure what you can do to change this. Maybe going to see her, and being happy for her, stopping her from associating negatively with you, so that when she thinks of you, her first initial reaction again is one of positivity would change things.

 

I also think, your comment that she 'isn't the type' to hook up with random guys is also indicative of how you see her. Why isn't she? I'm not saying she is with others, but she has clearly changed a lot since she has been away, so I don't think you can be sure what she is thinking. The fact you even mention it, to me, shows that it is a fear in your head.

 

IF she really does love you as much as you say she does...she will come back. If she sees you as confident, rather than pining, she will find you more attractive (afterall, she fell for you not when you were insecure and on edge, but positive and confident)... I think these facts point to how you need to act. You need to stop focussing on her, focus on yourself, get back excited with life again in a way which she clearly is. Although you don't want to admit it, this whole story proves that you both want different things at the moment. You can either cry and wreck everything around you, or you can accept it, and work positively for yourself and in a round-about way, your chances with her. IF she has a relationship with another guy, fine, let her, but don't sit around waiting for her, if you really believe she loves you enough to marry you, thereby saying, 'you are the one for me'... you shouldn't fear things, she will come back. But if she doesn't you won't have put your life on pause. I know it is extremely difficult, you want to make sense of things, you want to point to all the reasons why she still wants to be with you, and you want to pile them all up and if you convince enough people of it, you believe are comforted by the fact that there is a chance that she too will see the logic. But none of that really matters atm. What matters is you refusing to sit around wasting your time on something which you really do have no control over. If it is to work, she needs to come to you. Nothing else. So you can either accept that, or you can fight it, but fighting it isn't really going to make her more likely to change her mind, in fact in many ways, it is more likely to make it less likely that you guys will have a strong thing in the future. The hardest thing is to let her go, but show confidence in yourself, that she won't meet anyone better, and realise that at the moment, it is best to concentrate on yourself.

 

I've been lurking on this site for the past month or so and I must say, this is one of the best posts I have read. It spoke volumes to me bc I am in a similar situation and I hope it helped PianoGuy out too! When I get enough courage to post my situation, I hope to hear your valuable insight!

[Pianoguy]

I woke up this morning to a beautiful love letter from her... and got home in the evening to a more concerning letter about everything she's been going through around the time of her break-up, but I don't want to let go of the good feeling. God, part of me knows it's a bad idea to let these feelings come back in, but I don't want to let go of the future we planned together, and it looks like she doesn't either -- but she's still in Europe, and I'm still in the States. I feel like I want to follow her... but I'm terrified. Maybe that was my problem to begin with. But, I know this much: if I had to make the same decision to keep going with my career here or risk it all and go with her, knowing how hollow success was alone, I would have chosen differently. I wrote her back saying I loved her very much, too, but I need a few days to process all of this. It sounds like she's being honest, even about wanting a physical relationship in Europe -- but she still loves me as much as she did the day we met. I wish I didn't love her back right now, but I do... I guess we'll see what happens now.

[nittanylion]

Well, I broke NC. Hard. But I know there's zero chance for a relationship again where we are in our lives right now, and I know staying friends is an absolutely ridiculous idea, but harboring all this jealousy and anger is eating me up inside. I wrote her acknowledging where we are in our lives and that there isn't a place for each other in it, but as we lead on our lives separately, I hope we can stay in touch on occasion. Not often, or even once a month, but I don't like maintaining a brick wall between us.

 

I didn't tell her this, but I'd like to remain single or find another girlfriend right now. And this feels like a healthy place to be. Honestly, we had a really good connection, and we'd always felt like we could have been wonderful friends before we started dating, but there was too much drama in the way. There's still a lot of drama, but holding this grudge has been driving me crazy. Things happened. Life goes on. I think I'll always love her (not in a romantic way), so maybe this is where things should be.

 

How could she possibly love you after all the bs she is feeding you? She broke the relationship code of honor by screwing another guy. The relationship no longer has any purposes or purity since she crossed the line. It will never be the same again. The trust has broken.

 

I think you should not contact her anymore. For example, If someone claimed to love another person by saying all the good thing but her action contradict her words. We called that Horse shi t or Cow shi t

 

Right now, you need to just focus on yourself but dont jump into relatonship until at least another 3 months.

 

You need to heal and move on! Right now, just focus on yourself. Time will heal all wounds. Trust me! I have been there and done that.

[Pianoguy]

Alright. For the last few days, I've been debating whether or not to give her another chance now or later down the line, and I felt like that depended on her honesty. If she came clean about the other guy, maybe there's a chance. If not, I doubt I'll be able to trust her again.

 

In some email exchanges about where we are and how we feel about our relationship, I stayed true to myself and let her know that if we rekindled anything, it would have to be different and she could never abandon me like this ever again. And, I'd have to know she wouldn't sneak around behind my back because she couldn't control her lust. After hammering the message into her head that the only reason I couldn't travel with her was lack of money, she says she feels extremely guilty that she didn't listen. The fact that she couldn't figure that out for two years is a big f**king sign she's not trustworthy.

 

But the real sign that things are over is that she promised there's been nobody else since me. Now, more than ever, I'm glad I did some snooping a while ago, because I can see this for the outright lie that it is. So now, the only choice I have to make is whether or not to call her out -- there's been some guilt on my mind about it, and it would be nice if she changed her password just so I knew I wouldn't do something stupid in another weak moment. It looks like she wants to be friends, too... talk about having your cake and eating it too, huh?

 

Oh, by the way, I'm feeling fine these days When she admitted she still loved me, that caught me really off guard, but I've learned to enjoy the single life and meet new people with her completely out of the picture. Right now my plan is to be productive and make TONS of money! Unless something happens, I'd actually rather not have a girl in the picture so I can focus better and save more.