She doesn't want a relationship because of distance, but still loves me?

[Pianoguy]

OHHHH, my bad That's something to think about.

[Pianoguy]

Total breakdown today. I've been struggling to stay calm, keep my head up, and keep working, but today was the last straw. I won't get into the details, but it feels like the one thing I have to keep myself going these days is my work, and the circumstances haven't even allowed me to do that for the past few days. I feel like a shark these days; if I stop working I'm dead in the water. My friends and family haven't been very supportive lately, and I just lost it and suddenly started weeping uncontrollably. I'm trying so damned to hard to just focus on myself, but I literally can't these past few days. All my money is tied up on important projects so I can't go out and have fun, I haven't been able to work, my friends are too busy to hang out, and the girl I was going to marry left me for dead. I wanted to drive somewhere, anyway, just to escape, but there's nowhere to go. One day at a time -- maybe tomorrow will be easier.

[Iselia]

Total breakdown today. I've been struggling to stay calm, keep my head up, and keep working, but today was the last straw. I won't get into the details, but it feels like the one thing I have to keep myself going these days is my work, and the circumstances haven't even allowed me to do that for the past few days. I feel like a shark these days; if I stop working I'm dead in the water. My friends and family haven't been very supportive lately, and I just lost it and suddenly started weeping uncontrollably. I'm trying so damned to hard to just focus on myself, but I literally can't these past few days. All my money is tied up on important projects so I can't go out and have fun, I haven't been able to work, my friends are too busy to hang out, and the girl I was going to marry left me for dead. I wanted to drive somewhere, anyway, just to escape, but there's nowhere to go. One day at a time -- maybe tomorrow will be easier.

 

Pianoguy, your story reminds me a lot of mine. My ex went away to college, and she rather party it up than have a stable relationship with me. She still tells me that she loves me. I seriously believe I am plan b unless something better comes along. I won't tolerate that. You shouldn't either.

 

Listen to me, and listen to me well. You shouldn't tolerate someone like this in your life. Do you honestly believe either of you could be happy with this relationship? She is acting extremely immature and prefers to believe "the grass is greener on the other side." Could you ever be happy with her, after the amount of damage that has been done? Maybe you could two could be happy together again, but not until you have healed and she has explored life more. Those are the issues. They aren't going away. Don't even think about a relationship until every freakin issue is gone.

 

And honestly, after you have healed, you probably won't want her back. By the time she comes around again (if at all) you will probably have a new, wonderful woman by your side. Just give things time; you will heal. Trust that LS will support you and that we care. You will get through this.

[Pianoguy]

Thanks, Iselia I know what you're saying is absolutely true. That's where my mind is, and it's taking a long time for my heart to get there as well. The good news is that I haven't had urges to break NC now that I've gotten this far. I'm going out of town to stay with my folks for a day or two to play with their dogs and get some perspective. Should be a blast!

[Jeff M Stevens]

I really feel bad for you guy. I know how you feel for sure. Please uphold the no contact rule and PLEASE move on with your life.

 

I say that you get ONE chance, PER girl, PER lifetime.

 

If she felt strongly enough that she did not want to be with you, especially after all that time together, then you should move on to a new adventure.

 

I see from your posts that you say it is more complex than that.

 

I'm sorry, but it is not.

 

She broke the trust and loyalty factors of your relationship. That is something you never can recover from.

 

Can she someday come back? Yes. Will it ever be the same? No.

 

Because if you do ever accept her back into your life, then you will be essentially excusing the bad behavior she displayed in flushing your relationship down the toilet.

 

For life, you will be in 2nd position with her because if you allow her to someday come back, she will know that she completely flushed you down the toilet before and you still allowed her back.

 

And I don't care if she comes back on hands and knees saying she is sorry 1,000,000 times. The basic truth will be that she blew up your life and then you allowed her back in because she was "sorry."

 

Plus, if she does come back, the inherent problems, from her perspective that drove her out will still be there in her mind.

 

You seem like a great guy that has a lot on the ball and you need a girl that will treat you as if you are in first position.

 

You will never be in first position with your ex again. Believe it now, please.

 

I wish you well man.

[HeavenOrHell]

I was with my ex for 18 years, we still slept together in the run up to him leaving, not long before he said he'd never leave me again like he had twice 10 years previously. People's feelings can change pretty quickly in my experience, also people sometimes tell themselves and what they WANT to believe but it's not actually true, ie a person might say I want to be with you forever, cos they wish it were true but it's not really the truth deep down.

 

 

Honestly, I can't believe that.

 

Before she left, she put a beautiful love letter under my pillow, telling me that she is sorry for leaving for so long, that she loves me dearly, and she will miss holding my hand, seeing me in the morning, cooking and dancing together, etc. She goes on to say that she's so excited to celebrate when we finally do get married after we've "earned it" because we've done what we needed to do ourselves. She says, "A + B will not cower from a challenge! We have our love to support us, and we will keep our eyes on the goal - a home, a happy family, and pets - to help us through the coming months. Love always, forever your girl, -B" There are a few other little tidbits in there... "Home will always be in our arms," "I love us and our exciting future." Absolutely no way this was all lies.

 

So... why suddenly so distant?

[Pianoguy]

So I took some time off, stayed with my folks for a few days, and played with their dogs for a while. That made me feel a lot better. I got home, fully recharged, cleaned up my apartment, lined up some new work, and now I feel focused and better than ever. Still haven't talked to her for over a week now, and I'm feeling good about that.

 

She wrote me a few days ago, saying she was tired and would write again soon. She wrote me again this morning, saying she misses me, has been thinking of me a lot lately, and wants to hear how I'm doing.

 

Also, I talked to a mutual friend of ours the other day, and told her that this break thing was kind of dumb, and the next time I talk to my quasi-ex-girlfriend I'd tell her it's time for us to move on completely and start seeing other people. My friend stopped me and said she'd talked to my ex recently, that she still loves me, but she's going through tons of stress right now and I should just give her some space. That's nice to think about, but it doesn't really change my situation. Even if we got back together, nothing would change unless she seriously figured some things out for herself.

 

I feel that if I pursue her again now that she misses me, nothing will change, and I'll just get hurt again. It seems to me that the classy thing to do would be to talk to her and let her know I'm ready to move on, or else I'm the one leading HER on.

[Pianoguy]

Well, it looks like my story is coming to an end.

 

We spoke for a while over Skype, and there's no doubt that we still love each other. But on her end, as always, she just can't deal with not being able to physically touch me. She still wants to get married and build our future together, but when we're apart for so long, our relationship feels platonic to her until we're at least in the same state. It's been her dream to do what she's doing now, and she's torn, and is genuinely terrified that she might lose me for whatever reason. Also, the thought that she may not see her family again for over a year really has her panicking.

 

So the situation is the same as it's always been, and it doesn't do us any good to string each other along like this. In fact, with our relationship (romantic or not) the way it is, it hurts both of us. I know exactly what I want, but she doesn't, and until she figures herself out, we need to go our separate ways so she can figure things out.

 

We both agreed that this was the right thing to do and had a tearful goodbye. Although it makes me very sad to finally let her go, wherever we end up, we will always love each other. On the outside I'm sobbing, but on the inside I'm overjoyed to have experienced so much love with another person and to be moving forward with my life. I'll be the first person she calls when she gets back, which could be in January or a few years from now. Maybe things will be different then, but now I have to live my own life.

 

This isn't exactly a happy ending, but I'll settle for a bittersweet goodbye instead of a tragedy. Thank you all for helping me through such a difficult time

Edited August 26, 2010 by Pianoguy

[Pianoguy]

A little update to my story. Still haven't contacted her, or talked to our mutual friends about her. But, I'm still haunted by this after 10 days of NC.

 

I'm really torn about where to go from here. Her things are boxed up in a closet, and I've decided that her/our furniture is mine now since she isn't bothering to do anything about it. I'm focusing on myself and doing well as well as getting out and meeting new people. I'm not very tempted to break NC, but I can't get rid of this hopeful feeling that she'll change her mind and try to rekindle our relationship. I know that's stupid, but everything always made so much sense when we were together. It feels like something swooped in and stole my future away from me, and the life I'm leading now is the wrong one.

 

At some point, I know I need to get back on the market and start dating again, but if this relationship could fail, I don't really see the point anymore. I'm trying not to be totally cynical and write off all women as untrustworthy, but now I don't know what to believe. Even if I had some sort of relationship now or in the future, I'd want to keep a safe distance and not commit to anything.

 

As far as the ex goes, the situation ended up with us remaining Facebook/Skype friends. I don't have an urge to contact her, and she's not contacting me, but at this point, unfriending her feels like I'm sending a message and breaking NC. (Plus, if I unfriend her, we share a lot of the same friends and would end up crossing paths anyway.) If it's just for my sake, I'm fine with the situation, but one some level I still want her back, not just for my feelings, but because I want to keep working towards our previous happy lives together and I want to believe that there are people other than myself that actually give a **** about making relationships work.

 

Also, I don't know if this is terrible or not, but because we're Facebook friends and she's still subscribed to my fan page, it's motivated me to have an active social life and successful career so I can make more posts about how awesome I'm doing I can't decide if I'm trying to bait her into breaking NC or sending her a huge "screw you" over the Internet. Maybe both! Either way, it keeps me busy.

[Kael]

I am in a similar situation as you. My ex broke it off with me after a LDR that lasted 7 years.

 

She claimed she wasn't sure anymore, etc.

 

She wanted to take a "break" to "figure things out". She ended up hooking up with some guy (no sex). My point is this, don't believe sh*t she is saying.

 

If she wanted YOU, she would be with YOU. I have come to realize this myself. My ex broke it off with me, said she loved me, said she wants to be with me in the future, said she wants to get married and move in with me when she finishes grad school. The reality is this, if they really meant that, they wouldn't rip our hearts out.

 

Your ex, and my ex, are absolutely selfish. They are immature. And they do not want us. Don't think your ex isn't looking for some other guy to mess around with during her travels either.

 

 

My recommendation is to go COMPLETE NC. Move on. Delete her from skype and facebook. You don't need her. Don't pine for her because she is probably with some other guy right now, while you (and I) pour our hearts out on LS.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. I am in pain, just like you...

[Pianoguy]

Well, Kael, it turns out you were absolutely right. I did something I probably shouldn't have -- guessed her Facebook password. Lots of "friends" of mine that thought she did the right thing. She made out with some guy and was really happy about it. Even an old teacher that apparently doesn't think much of me. Time to go drink myself to sleep and hate women forever.

[skydiveaddict]

Well, Kael, it turns out you were absolutely right. I did something I probably shouldn't have -- guessed her Facebook password. Lots of "friends" of mine that thought she did the right thing. She made out with some guy and was really happy about it. Even an old teacher that apparently doesn't think much of me. Time to go drink myself to sleep and hate women forever.

 

 

I am sorry for you man. I'll never trust another woman either. It's not worth it

[Pianoguy]

I think you're right. This is so heartbreaking.

[skydiveaddict]

I think you're right. This is so heartbreaking.

 

 

I know it is man. You're gonna have to hang tough. You'll make through.

[VeveCakes]

Well, Kael, it turns out you were absolutely right. I did something I probably shouldn't have -- guessed her Facebook password. Lots of "friends" of mine that thought she did the right thing. She made out with some guy and was really happy about it. Even an old teacher that apparently doesn't think much of me. Time to go drink myself to sleep and hate women forever.

 

You broke up, then stooped so low as to hack into her facebook (which is illegal btw) and you feel sorry for yourself? This is why when someone tells you its OVER you forget it and MOVE ON. No matter what you saw, what you did was wrong and you need to tell your ex to change her password so you can't do it again. That is the right thing to do.I'm sorry she moved on so quickley, but she clearly checked out of your relationship long ago.

[Pianoguy]

VeveCakes: I'm glad I did because I finally know the truth after being lied to for months. Do I owe her anything? I do not.

[skydiveaddict]

You broke up, .

 

. what are you going to do now? call the facebook police? why dont you stop kicking the guy when he is down?

Edited September 12, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[Pianoguy]

Amen, skydiveaddict! Seriously, all's fair in love and war. Now I can move on, and now I know who my real friends are. Now I know she's not who I thought she was. Moving on so quickly after wanting to spend her life with me? It's pretty clear what I need to do now. It was a huge invasion of privacy, but I'm glad I did what I did. No sympathy for her from me. I honestly believed I'd never have to be single again... And she's making out with guys in Europe. Sorry, but I'm the victim here; now I can break absolutely all contact for good.

[Pianoguy]

I went ahead and boxed up a drawer of mine that has mementos of our relationship. I've blocked her on Skype, deleted her and her family from Facebook, deleted all of the emails from her I've kept for years, her number from my phone, and set up a filter on my email address to delete incoming mail from her so I will NEVER sit around and hope she'll have a change of heart. I can't blame her for having a fling after we broke up. She's not bound to anything; but I'm so glad I know that she's moved on so I can do the same. Our last goodbye wasn't a "goodbye forever" conversation, so I sent her a email mentioning all of this to her (besides the Facebook incident, of course). I will get no response because any email she sends will be deleted on the spot, and she will know it.

 

I can't deal with this forever and all of these emotions are really tearing me up inside, so I'm looking into counseling to help move on with my life. I've always been very obsessive by nature, which makes getting over someone very difficult. It's a personal problem I've always had trouble with and believed I'd never have to deal with again, but here it is again. I'm having lots of trouble meeting new people I can connect with, and it doesn't help that most of the people I meet, men or women, are married these days. I'm really not ready for a serious, long-term relationship right now, but I'm keeping my eyes open.

[Iselia]

I went ahead and boxed up a drawer of mine that has mementos of our relationship. I've blocked her on Skype, deleted her and her family from Facebook, deleted all of the emails from her I've kept for years, her number from my phone, and set up a filter on my email address to delete incoming mail from her so I will NEVER sit around and hope she'll have a change of heart. I can't blame her for having a fling after we broke up. She's not bound to anything; but I'm so glad I know that she's moved on so I can do the same. Our last goodbye wasn't a "goodbye forever" conversation, so I sent her a email mentioning all of this to her (besides the Facebook incident, of course). I will get no response because any email she sends will be deleted on the spot, and she will know it.

 

I can't deal with this forever and all of these emotions are really tearing me up inside, so I'm looking into counseling to help move on with my life. I've always been very obsessive by nature, which makes getting over someone very difficult. It's a personal problem I've always had trouble with and believed I'd never have to deal with again, but here it is again. I'm having lots of trouble meeting new people I can connect with, and it doesn't help that most of the people I meet, men or women, are married these days. I'm really not ready for a serious, long-term relationship right now, but I'm keeping my eyes open.

 

Hell yes! Mad props for deleting all her contact information.

 

My ex had flings too, even though she said she loved me and just wanted a break from relationships. I deleted all her contact info too. I've been to counseling a few times. It seems you and I are in the same place. Dunno, I keep thinking I loved the woman she use to be and not the person she is now. Maybe you just need some sort of similar realization; and only time and reflecting can give you peace of mind. Just remember what she has done to you; all the lies and annoying things about her. It helps a lot.

[xinchao123]

Hi Pianoguy and Loveshack, this is my very first post here, and here's what I think. I'm Vietnamese btw so sorry for my bad English

 

Pianoguy, You should know this. In love there is no such a break. If you're in a break, you go see other ppl, what if you fall for them ? what if she falls for other ppl ? how can you guarantee you don't fall for another one?

I know exactly how you feel man, because I'm in it !!!! In this kind of situation, where it is a LDR and the 2 no longer want to be committed to each other, there are 2 options for me

1. Pushing the other, make her commit to you again, then stay faithful and try hard to get back to each other.

2. Break up. Stay NC for like 6 months till you are healed completely, start reconnecting again if you still care for each other as pure friends !

 

I chose option 2, because I know that's what she wants. And I can't keep on waiting her for ever either. She wants to enjoy life there, she wants to do things she's wanted to (she was economically poor and was hooked up by a Swedish family with a 20 grand allowance for study in Sweden which i'm very happy for her. Needless to say about her big AMBITION right ? ). When she is far away, what she needs the most is YOU. and YOUR NOT THERE when she needs it. She just can't stand that happening and will eventually want you to be her "Close friend" man !!! You can still count yourself lucky cause she's moving all the time. If not, I say she'll likely end up cheating on you, although she doesn't want it ever. But that's what women do they want to have a man to be there for her. She'll keep you in her heart definitely .

 

I know you're still hoping for a future where you 2 are reunited, have a nice house, kids running around. But when will that happen ? When will she want to stop what she's doing right now? You can't have conversation over this because she's not thinking that far.

 

I'm sorry if i wrote anything irrelevant i wasn't thinking much. But you have plan to move there with her ? DO IT FAST before things get complicated. If you don't intend to do so, think about saying goodbye. You should cope with it, trying to forget her(as your lover) and seeing other women, there are a lot more interesting ones out there.

 

So to make myself clear, I think you should stop contacting her for a while, set aside this relationship and move on.

Just my 2 cents.

Edited September 17, 2010 by xinchao123

[Pianoguy]

Hey xinchao123 -- I've already been moving on most of that! In fact, I have a date tomorrow night I've been getting out more and seeing new people. Yes, she will be seeing other people (and already has). When I tell this story to others, they think I dodged a bullet with her, and I'm starting to agree. Since she didn't get her family nearby to pick her stuff up, I got proactive and left all the boxes on their porch. I also gave them the box I had of mementos from our relationship -- just didn't feel like throwing them away, I guess. She can deal with it. Either way, no longer my problem.

 

I also totally re-arranged my apartment for a few reasons: 1) It feels like a new home, and I'm ready to fill it with new memories. 2) I needed a better office and a better space to teach piano lessons, so this should help my career out. 3) I need a nice space to host parties! I've been reading a book called "Positive Solitude" about how to live alone healthily without feeling lonely. So far, an interesting read.

 

As for reconnecting later in life... maybe. In a few years, I'm sure the scars will be gone. If she's in the states and she's grown up, maybe I'll give her a call. Not really relevant now, though -- I'm happy that I haven't been able to hear from her. Although I wish I wouldn't see Facebook posts from her on friend's walls...

Edited September 17, 2010 by Pianoguy

[xinchao123]

Rock on man !!!

Sorry I wasn't reading previous posts.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do right now man. Be a different person, loving myself a lot and enjoying life. Maybe travel somewhere else ? I'm going to Thailand next week, kicking some ass.

 

Keep updating the thread man, so everyone knows how you're improving.

Really, things change. people change. what stays forever is the sweet moments of love. I'll keep her in my heart forever, but now we're like enemies, and that's good it'll help forgetting each other faster.

 

I couldn't believe we having exact same situation man, my love lasted for 2 years and 3 months. We broke up 4 days ago. I'm recovering fast. I'll hang out with another girl next Monday (we've been good friends since high school).

 

I really hope you'll find your full joy again very soon.

Have a good time buddy !

Edited September 17, 2010 by xinchao123

[Pianoguy]

Wow, that really does sound like the same situation, but I'm having a lot of trouble recovering -- it seems to always be that way for me. For some reason, I just CANNOT get her out of my head. I think I'm doing fine, and then BAM, something will remind me of her, and then I can't stop thinking about it. I've broken off all contact, and started dating. I'm finding some joy with friends, but even so I can't focus. My mood swings are getting really extreme, and I've cut out all caffeine and alcohol so my feelings are more regular. I've been taking vacations, focusing on work, and doing everything in the book, but I still feel absolutely empty. What makes me feel worse is that I know she's moved on by now, which is what I want to do. I'm sure it's easier for her starting a new life overseas, and it's made me think I need to move away completely and do the same. I've been exercising a lot, and I might start seriously working out, but I feel like I'm constantly struggling to get this monkey off my back. I feel ADDICTED by our relationship, and I just can't find a cure. Another relationship might do it... but I'm having trouble meeting women in the first place.

[Pianoguy]

Some good news -- went on a date tonight (The one last week wasn't really a date as it turned out, but that's fine.) I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but it was so nice to have drinks with a cute girl. We had a lot to talk about, I walked her home, and planted a nice (and welcome) kiss on the cheek. Nothing too special, and it may not go anywhere, but it's fun to be looking ahead instead of backwards. Here's a big red flag, though -- she doesn't know what she wants to do, and thinks she wants to travel all over the world indefinitely in a year or two!! That seems a little familiar... but at least I know this going in, which might be good anyway because I don't really want a serious relationship now.

 

Anyway, life does go on, apparently. Going on vacation on Sunday, too, so things are looking up!