Where is my mojo? My friend has it :(

[Simulacraton]

Hi all. The following is my story about a girl I met three years ago whom I had similar interests with. We liked the same old cars and rebuilding them for racing or just for a laugh.

 

She is eleven years younger than me, I am now 37. She has two children and I have none.

 

The story itself started when I was writing a blog online about a car rebuild, it had a lot of followers and one girl lived nearby and found out where I lived, so she popped over to see me. When I met her I could tell she had gone to effort to look nice, but at the time I was not very happy with women in general and a bit untrusting so I kept her at arm’s length at first, but she continued to visit and text me and MSN me. It was obvious she wanted more, so eventually she got a bit closer and we started to see each other at night, no sex, but definitely doing stuff friends don’t s do lol. She made all the moves.

 

Bit of background about her: She had just come out of a relationship with an older man, a bit of a control freak from what I could tell. I think she may have been in need of someone to rebound onto, and being a fair bit older she targeted me.

 

Anyway, I enjoyed our time together but was always cautious of getting hurt (when I get too attached I find letting go in the event of breaking up almost unbearable) so never really put my heart into the relationship over those few months we saw each other. Eventually she started to visit less and less and not be intimate with me, I was not concerned. I believe she had found another guy online and was playing about with him, but at the time didn’t know that.

 

We continued to see each other but always when our other mates were about. I noticed some of my other friends received high levels of attention from her and she flirted a fair bit, of course, she is one of the only females in a male dominated group and I think she loves the attention. I guess I may have been a little miffed, but because I hadn’t let her get close due to my instincts, was not concerned. I had become close friends with some of the other guys where I lived and one day when we rebuilt my engine at my friend’s house he revealed to me that she had been involved with cybersex encounters with other guys, including my friend. At the time we laughed about it and compared notes.

After about a year into the relationship, she disappeared and withdrew from everyone. To be honest, I didn’t care. I suspected her motives and was aware of her other activity with guys, not that I had any right to moan about it, but it just rang alarm bells with me. One day, about six months later, she texted me and asked me to see her outside whilst I was at work (she often came to see me). I popped down and it was like she had been reunited with her lost love. I was overwhelmed a bit. Apparently she had gone back to her previous partner for months and he had not let her contact any of us as he is apparently a very jealous. I’ll admit, it was great to see her and her enthusiasm was infectious. Again she had clearly made an effort to look nice and to come and see me specifically at work and ply me with hugs was nice. We had a chat and then said our goodbyes.

 

After that I guess I saw her a reasonable amount for the next year. We occasionally flirted, but never did anything. I think she had some other kind of internet romance going on. She tends to like to live on the Internet for this kind of thing as she can keep control and not get too hurt, and not have to let some guy interfere in her relatively happy life with her kids, where she has all the support she needs already without a guy about.

 

I always knew though she wanted a guy about to help her with her car, someone like me. I always knew this and had steered clear as I was so busy with my own car and other things I wanted to do.

 

She rang one day to say she wanted to go and see an original car for sale, the same one we collect. She asked me to come along with her and give her a lift, which I was happy to do. On the way there she said something I found strange. She told me I needed a girlfriend. This struck me as odd as I had always considered her to be interested in me. I said I didn’t want a headache for the rest of my life and carried on driving, but I always wondered if she was testing me.

 

Anyway, she bought the car and we headed home. It needed a lot of work.

So, we get to the beginning of 2010. I had organised to have my car prepared for racing, at no small cost! She offered to let me use her spare car, which I did for nine weeks. I think during this time I finally fell in love with her. The weather was getting better and I spent a lot of time working on her car. I had moved in to my grandmother’s place to look after her and she came to visit me there. She used to just sit there watching me work. She would wear revealing clothes and deliberately try to distract me, which we laughed about. She would bring her kids and look after granny when I was outside and she would help with tidying and bought us furniture and took loads of old crap away. I would work sometimes at her house and we just became very familiar and used to each other being about. She would call me at work with ideas about my grans place and buy new furniture for her, car parts for me. I would do the same and get specialised stuff for her car and just fix things for her or give advice keep an eye on the kids if she had to pop somewhere. We became quite a team.

 

One day at her mother’s house, I was doing her suspension and exhaust system for her track car, parts which I had given her. We were both lying under the car (a quite intimate time we shared numerous times lol) and I realised something. I asked her about a guy we both knew and put it to her she was having a secret relationship of some kind with him. She confirmed it and asked how I knew. This was the turning point for me. I had never been jealous before, but at that point I became almost uncontrollably jealous, I barely kept it in check. I almost left the car and drove off but I had to know more so probed a bit deeper. She revealed everything to me as if she had never considered I would be upset.

 

Life has been a roller-coaster of emotions since that day.

 

I realised I had at that point started to fall for one of my best friends. I knew that once I go beyond a certain point it is immeasurably painful to correct and I needed to act now. I analysed my feelings and decided I was jealous and had become more than just friends with my friend, not unreasonable considering I was seeing her everyday and we were living out of each other’s pockets. I told her almost straight away. She understood, but I think that day there was a shift in power in the relationship. I almost felt like I had given her control, something I should never had done, but I HAD to tell her or avoid her, and that could be even more upsetting.

 

She was good about it, but said she loved the way were and didn’t want it to change, and it would ruin our friendship. I said fine, but I also warned her that I may need to back off and see her less and I would stay away at the car meets we go to where this other guy was present.

 

Trouble is it didn’t work like that. The story unfolded further...

 

I could go into detail about the weeks that went by, but I won’t, needless to say we had spent a lot more time together and I felt my feelings for her grow, but was never sure if she felt anything. There were numerous incidents where I was tested until one day I had to make it stop. I started to ignore her and delay replies by text, which of course she noticed right away and seemed rather upset by. I told her I had still got strong feelings and I had to avoid her, she was angry at this though I know she wasn’t really angry but just sad. That week I felt myself start to repair as I did things for myself and granny. I started losing weight and going to the gym. By the end of the week I had become a bit happier.

 

The problem is, I have a load of my stuff at her house and we had unfinished business and things to organise still. I felt pretty good one day and asked her a legitimate question on MSN, which she replied to and we very quickly found ourselves chatting about it until she announced I was trying to trick her into talking lol and we cut the conversation off with her announcing her being mad at me.

 

Fast forward a week.

 

I wasn’t over her, but I felt a lot better and was just off for a walk at about 9 pm one Monday evening. My phone rang and it was her, I answered it assuming an emergency (which I said to call me about if there was anything really bad she needed me for). She sounded odd and started going on about taking some furniture away, which isn’t urgent or an emergency. I told her I could not see her and it was probably for the best she didn’t call, at which point she started to cry and told me I was stupid and we couldn’t avoid each other forever. I’ve never seen or heard her cry before. My heart melted again and I agreed to come over. We had a great evening talking until the small hours and laughing at how stupid we were to try and ignore each other. She revealed a side to me I’d never seen before and told me to not be jealous as her fling was nothing. That night, I was at the peak of the roller-coaster ride. Of course, things went downhill from there again.

 

We returned to our normal routine, I felt as even stronger friends. I started to learn about her and her secrets. She still loved her ex from when I met her and saw him drive by every day. He saw me outside working at her house. I assume if he is anything like me he will be assuming I am sleeping with her and be very jealous.

 

One day she told me that the guy she had been having a fling with for a year or so was finally coming to visit her. She had basically said if he didn’t, it was all over as she had waited for him to do something like this for over a year. I was due to come over and do some fairly serious gearbox changes that day. I told her I best not come, but I knew she needed me there. I told her finally I had fallen in love with her and asking me to come over and KNOW a guy was going to sleep with her that night was incredibly ****ing hard for me to do. I knew if I didn’t go my imagination would be running riot anyway, so I agreed to come. I am glad I did.

 

I was a gent that day, I put my best set of emotional armour on and acted like the man I am. That night, I wrote her a letter telling her I just wanted to be friends. I received a reply I did not expect; she was so proud of me and to be my friend and I had done the impossible that night and proved to her I was a bigger man than she had thought. Her relationship with her internet fancy man declined after that.

 

Since then things have gone ok, but although she says she does not want a man in her life at the moment, I probably spend as much time with her as a boyfriend does anyway. She still hugs me and stuff but I cannot initiate anything like that and have to be careful I don’t flirt or say anything dodgy even in jest.

She knows I am jealous, and I sometimes get the feeling she does it deliberately. I have gone on two dates recently, she sent me a text during one of them, I ignored it. When I got home she MSN’d me saying she knew it was a girl and she didn’t care...then why text me some random question and then mention it on MSN like that? The girl I went out with was great and just said she is probably possessive of me but not wanting me as a b/f so not to take it as a sign she is interested.

 

My friend is hinting at a new guy on the scene, I think she does it to make me jealous. Chatting to him till 4 am...saying he is fit etc. **** off.

 

Basically the situation is as follows currently:

 

She knows I am in turmoil and barely keeping things in check. I continue to see her as often as I can. I buy stuff for her (but she has gotten me £200 of stuff last week! Mixed signals lol). She continues to tell me about other guys and her lost love etc. We continue to have things we need to discuss and do together. She still helps me loads. My friends say one simple piece of advice and I KNOW they are right: stay away from her, she is playing me for attention and a shoulder to cry on and she won’t look at me than anymore than a ‘friend’ for as long as I am a wet blanket.

 

What do I want? I want these feelings to go away and be the friends we used to be but I don’t think it will be easy to do that. OR I want to take things further, which is never going to happen the way things are unless I am willing to wait. She told me the right person is worth waiting for if you know they are the one. She was talking about her own situation off course with her ex who she still thinks she loves.

 

I know she likes me, I know she is close to me. I know when I am gone she misses me. I know she gets jealous of other women. I know she values me. We see each other a heck of a lot. But, it’s not enough and it’s sucking the life out of me. I am becoming irrational with my paranoia and jealousy sometimes. Last night she told me to not miss things just so I can talk to her at night, she said it was pointless. She reads my mind, I was due to go out yesterday but didn’t. Sad huh?

 

I’ve resigned myself to suffering this pain for as long as it takes until she realises I am the one...but I know she probably won’t and I know I will suffer immeasurably if I choose that path.

 

So, what to do? The answer may be blindingly obvious, but it is very hard to action. How do I tell her without causing too much stress? Do I just start easing off on doing stuff for her slowly and returning her calls/texts a bit later? Remember, I want to stay friends and avoiding each other is just not possible. We tried that.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Opinions / hugs welcome

[Simulacraton]

Update:

 

I am not in love with her. Reading this back makes me realise Iam making progress and seeing the truth: Need to man up, stfu, go out with other friends and not pander to her.

 

Not ignoring each other, but we are keeping each other at arms length for now as we want to return to being good friends one day, back to when things were simple.

 

I am suffering from 'limerence' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

I am not in love.

 

I've been here before and should know better! However, I think I just latched on to her and the time we had this year due to being unhappy and needing an escape.

 

Time for a holiday! Going to see my relatives.

 

The good news is since this started I have lost a ****load of weight and am also now pretty buff/lean...all thanks to my friend and her rejection

 

Been out on two dates recently as well, both lovely girls who made me laugh my arse off.

 

Still not 100% yet though...have that kinda empty feeling sometimes and I cannot resist if she calls or MSN's me. I keep it brief though. We saw each other Yesterday for an hour, which was nice, and we were fine. She knows I am trying...I hope eventually I wont have too...

 

Thanks for reading.

[RB123]

Hey read your post a while back and can't believe no one has yet replied.. it was a very in depth story and I can totally relate to it.

 

I am just recovering from a 5 year period of my heart being put through the grinder by a girl who I have been very close friends with and had to suffer rejection after rejection. I know I have been something of a fool but I kept on trying because I never wanted to give up. I told myself 2 years ago I had to move on but I kept going back for more, to the point where I was virtually scared the last few times we met up because I knew what a state it would leave me in after.

 

Finally I have given up now. Admittedly it took her getting together with another guy to make this leap, plus towards the end I was getting some weird dreams.. one of which was her having sex with someone whilst on the phone to me, me being a sap as usual! I've cut her out of my life now and told her not to contact me. There's nothing like making that leap, very painful but for the best and I am feeling much more positive about life without her already.

 

I really think you need to stop seeing this girl, however hard it is. I just can't see how you will rid yourself of your true feelings, no matter how hard you try to mask it and be friends they will resurface at some point and you will be worse than before. Believe me I know.

 

I keep a few posts linked in my favourites bar as I find they help me understand the situation and also forget about me ex love. Check out this genius piece of literature written by a girl and submitted to the onion.com and see if it rings any bells..

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends,11473/