Why do people have affairs with MM/MW

[noel2]

I am currently in my second affair, trust me, I AM NOT BRAGGING! I would love to understand the real reason why so many of us allow ourselves to get involved in these situations. I'm not a loose woman, I don't purposely go after MM, but I wonder if something about me either attracts them or if something in me is attracted to them.

 

Please!!!!! I am not looking for 'because your a wh***' answers, I am looking for real psychological reasons for this because I am scared to death of this cycle i seem to have ended up in.

 

My A's have both been with men I was friends with first. We genuinely care(d) for one another, of course the sex was (is) amazing, I do tend to be a very sexual woman, but I can find sex with an available man if thats all I am looking for, so don't think thats it.

 

If you have any reasonable answers, qualified expertise or experience in this field, I would love your help.

[jennie-jennie]

"Patterns in the family of origin are similar for those in brief, situational, and long-term affairs: The child's emotional needs were pushed aside in favor of the parents' needs and desires. The families of origin diverge however in how the child's needs were dismissed. With brief affairs, the child's pursuit of nurturing was often crushed by abuse, whether sexual, physical, or emotional. With long term affairs, an inappropriately close attachment to the opposite sex parent is more common, such as when a daughter becomes her father's primary companion and confidante.

 

Typical childhood experiences of the unmarried third party are as follows:

 

Received too much inappropriate attention from opposite sex parent:

* Closer to opposite sex parent than was the same sex parent

* Overwhelmed or abused by a parent

* Role confusion and/or reversal was expected and valued

 

Not supported or protected by same sex parent:

* Same sex parent was absent due to death, divorce, or other reasons

* Same sex parent dependent or afraid of opposite sex parent

* Same sex parent does not like self or those of same gender

 

Boundaries diffuse:

* Emotional needs were ignored, neglected, or ridiculed

* Family was overtly or covertly incestuous

 

As a result the unmarried third party is emotionally needy but afraid of being dependent, seeks approval from others, ignores, denies, or dismisses her own feelings, and has difficulty trusting."

 

I was my father's primary companion and confidante. I was the buffer between him and my narcissistic mother. I knew that although he was married to my mother, his and my relationship was stronger and more accepting of each other as the individuals we were.

 

I can see the similarities with being the OW today. I believe a relationship such as the one I had with my father prepares the young girl for being an OW. She is already used to knowing she is more important than the actual wife. The wife, like the mother once with the father/daughter relationship, is not seen as any competition to the MM/OW relationship.

[jennie-jennie]

I am from a dysfunctional family. I knew that already when MM and I reconnected. He however thought he was from a well functioning family, which is sort of hilarious considering the drug addiction, gambling addiction, nervous breakdown etc in his family of origin.

 

I told him "You would not be with me if you were not from a dysfunctional family." We seek out partners with similar backgrounds. A child from a dysfunctional family partners with a child from another dysfunctional family.

 

In my MM's case his role in his family of origin was the one of the well-behaved child, the child who did everything the right way. This is the survival technique that has helped him through life. It is so deeply rooted he can not break this pattern. He can only be the bad boy secretly. The affair offers him the possibility of change, but he does not take the opportunity. He is still the well-behaved child, staying married.

Edited August 8, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[cavedweller]

noel2,

 

Why don't you dump the married man and find one that is single?

[Gfkr2]

[/b]As a result the unmarried third party is emotionally needy but afraid of being dependent, seeks approval from others, ignores, denies, or dismisses her own feelings, and has difficulty trusting."

 

...That sums it all up very well. Wishing you happiness, Noel

[jj33]

I dont fit any of Emily Brown's theories. I think it differs for each individual just like the reasons for cheating vary from person to person.

 

I also think patterns can be overcome. Children of abusers have a higher likelihood of becoming abusers themselves but this can be overcome.

 

Lets stand up for our choices and not blame them on families of origin. We made and continue to make the choices we make. Otherwise we are destined to stay in various ruts based on our childhoods.

[noel2]

Wow, that was awesome! Thanks so much. I did have an extremely dysfunctional upbringing. My mother is an only child and is very selfish. She always depended on me and put pressure on me because I was the "good child" out of four. My sibling were always in trouble, therefore I always felt like I had to go the extra mile to please her. She and my father divorced when I was three and he married the OW he was having an A with. Hmmm, I wonder...... Not making excuses because I always try to be a good person, however, I keep finding myself in dysfunctional relationships, friendships included. I am always the peace keeper at work, in relationships, etc. I always try to be the mother I never had and I have four amazing children. Thanks so much for your input.

[noel2]

:oI agree that patterns should be and can be overcome, but if you never realized where they came from, how can they be broken?

[noel2]

:confused:If it were that simple, would I be in this mess?

[noel2]

Well said, but I always think of myself as independent, thats what confuses me so much. I want a healthy loving relationship, yet I find myself in the complete opposite.

[cavedweller]

noel2,

 

If you are seeking a healthy relationship you are not going to find it by dating married men...

[Silly_Girl]

noel2,

 

If you are seeking a healthy relationship you are not going to find it by dating married men...

 

And the award for Stating the Obvious goes to....

 

CD, it's obvious that she is here trying to understand that. Until she understands it she's unlikely to make decent progress. Maybe you have something constructive to offer that may help?

[jennie-jennie]

"As a result the unmarried third party is emotionally needy but afraid of being dependent, seeks approval from others, ignores, denies, or dismisses her own feelings, and has difficulty trusting."

 

...That sums it all up very well. Wishing you happiness, Noel

 

It is a good guess that not only are the WS and the OP from dysfunctional families and thus have dysfunctional characteristics (depending on how much they have worked on self-improvement in their adult lives), but the same goes for the BS. As I said, we tend to seek out partners with similar backgrounds.

[cavedweller]

Silly Girl,

 

What is the big deal?

 

All she has to do is dump her married man and go meet and date a single guy.

 

If she keeps having relationships with married men she will never move on with her life..

 

Am I missing something here?

[lolapalooza]

Silly Girl,

 

What is the big deal?

 

All she has to do is dump her married man and go meet and date a single guy.

 

If she keeps having relationships with married men she will never move on with her life..

 

Am I missing something here?

Yes and no. I suspect Noel is a nice person, albeit with boundary issues. How she got them is anyone's guess. It would be helpful to her to figure that out. A person with boundary issues might have trouble in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.

 

I'm sure you would agree that an affair is overstepping a boundary. Then it makes sense that a person might find themself in that situation if they are not careful.

[Fieldsofgold]

And the award for Stating the Obvious goes to....

 

CD, it's obvious that she is here trying to understand that. Until she understands it she's unlikely to make decent progress. Maybe you have something constructive to offer that may help?

 

LOL! I always love your "awards."

 

My only input would be that IC might help you with setting boundaries, especially since you don't seem real happy about your continued involvement with MM.

[jennie-jennie]

Silly Girl,

 

What is the big deal?

All she has to do is dump her married man and go meet and date a single guy.

 

If she keeps having relationships with married men she will never move on with her life..

 

Am I missing something here?

 

It is not that easy. I can tell you that my MM is the emotionally healthiest and most functional man I have ever had a relationship with. Much emotionally healthier and more functional than any of the single guys I have had a relationship with.

 

Coming from a dysfunctional family I have to continually work with my own issues. The healthier I get the healthier partners I choose.

 

There is a lot more to choosing a partner than whether he is single or married.

[BB07]

And the award for Stating the Obvious goes to....

 

CD, it's obvious that she is here trying to understand that. Until she understands it she's unlikely to make decent progress. Maybe you have something constructive to offer that may help?

 

I like your award also.

[BB07]

I've been pretty open about my childhood issues here and strangely when I mention them...it's get terribly quite HERE more often than not.

 

I get it that it makes people uncomfortable, I get that maybe it hits a little too close to home for others, but dang it I'm tired of hiding it. I've not only became more open with it here, but in r/l also. It's not like I shout in from the rooftops but I have learned to open up more to the people I trust with it, the ones that know me and love me. Maybe one aspect of truly putting it to rest is to acknowledge it, and stop pretending that it's not really there.

 

Food for thought.

[jennie-jennie]

Well said, but I always think of myself as independent, thats what confuses me so much. I want a healthy loving relationship, yet I find myself in the complete opposite.

 

Your comment above leads me to want to share this quote as well by Emily Brown:

 

"Women in our society are given strong and repeated messages encouraging them to please men, to appear sexually attractive, to sublimate their own interests to those of the family, and to disregard their own feelings and needs. These messages encourage women to be dependent. Some families counter these messages with consistent nurturing and respect for their daughters. In other families, neglect and abuse reinforce the cultural message. Those women who become unmarried third parties are at the dependent end of the continuum although they commonly describe themselves as independent."

[jwi71]

Well, at least you recognize its a problem to date MM. That's the first step.

The second question, as you have stated, is why.

 

The obvious answer is: you want to.

 

It speaks of boundary issues, a fundamental lack of respect for marriage, for yourself and relationships in general. Honestly, it takes a very selfish view of the world. IT requires you anesthetize feelings for the BS. Some OW even get jealous.

 

I certainly don't why you or anyone pursues an A.

 

The only advice I can give is go to IC.

Ask a trained, neutral and experienced IC these questions.

 

I don't think it makes you a bad person per se, but it does strongly suggest a lack of morality. To whit, have you told your parents of your multiple A's? Why continue this cycle of shame?

 

If you are still in an A, end it. In fact, until you understand why, I would suggest no relationships. Take a break. Learn about yourself.

 

It's your life and you control it.

[2sunny]

It's your life and you control it.

 

yep. taking control of YOUR life means being clear on what YOU decide is in the best interest for YOU.

 

to consider a MM/MW first or their best interest first is simply back wards.

 

but many get caught up in putting their dreams/best interest aside because of love... what about love of self FIRST? that seems like a healthier boundary...

[fooled once]

I am currently in my second affair, trust me, I AM NOT BRAGGING! I would love to understand the real reason why so many of us allow ourselves to get involved in these situations. I'm not a loose woman, I don't purposely go after MM, but I wonder if something about me either attracts them or if something in me is attracted to them.

 

Please!!!!! I am not looking for 'because your a wh***' answers, I am looking for real psychological reasons for this because I am scared to death of this cycle i seem to have ended up in.

 

My A's have both been with men I was friends with first. We genuinely care(d) for one another, of course the sex was (is) amazing, I do tend to be a very sexual woman, but I can find sex with an available man if thats all I am looking for, so don't think thats it.

 

If you have any reasonable answers, qualified expertise or experience in this field, I would love your help.

 

I personally believe it has to do with self esteem issues.

 

I didn't come from a dysfunctional family (and really, who had the ideal childhood anyway? What is the ideal childhood? Everyone has adversity in their lives; it is how they choose to deal with it is what matters).

 

I ended up in an affair when my marriage ended (my marriage ended prior to me even meeting the MM). We worked together; he was older (sound familiar and cliche'??) We became friends and he told me the sob story about how his marriage was not good, how they were roommates and not lovers, how he missed affection, etc. You know, all the standard lines that get thrown out.

 

I was at a vulnerable and lonely time in my life. It happened. As I got stronger and began to value MYSELF more, I realized I didn't want to be a mistress, a side dish. I wanted to be the MAIN course and not share with anyone else. I ended it.

 

I then found the real deal, the love I needed and wanted and have been with him for 13 years now; married 12.

[dragonwave]

I was the OM and for myself, I went down that road cause I was not in a good place mentally or emotionally. Bottom line, the affair offered me a distraction to the unhappiness and loneliness within myself and life at the time. It was a hard lesson to learn adn it forced me to say WTF am I doing and finally start to REALLY deal wtih some of my own issues about my own divorce, the hurt it casued me, my own fears and ultimately self worth. I also had to think and long and hard about what I wanted for myself in life when it came to personal relationships (what kind of rrel'shp, what type of person best suited for me, attributes, values etc).

 

Not saying this is true for everyone, but now that I think (hope) I am in a better place, will NEVER go down that road again.

[GreenEyedLady]

I am currently in my second affair, trust me, I AM NOT BRAGGING! I would love to understand the real reason why so many of us allow ourselves to get involved in these situations. I'm not a loose woman, I don't purposely go after MM, but I wonder if something about me either attracts them or if something in me is attracted to them.

 

Please!!!!! I am not looking for 'because your a wh***' answers, I am looking for real psychological reasons for this because I am scared to death of this cycle i seem to have ended up in.

 

My A's have both been with men I was friends with first. We genuinely care(d) for one another, of course the sex was (is) amazing, I do tend to be a very sexual woman, but I can find sex with an available man if thats all I am looking for, so don't think thats it.

 

If you have any reasonable answers, qualified expertise or experience in this field, I would love your help.

 

I had an A because I didn't know my BF was married until I had fallen in love with him. And we are married now.

 

I think you need to really look at why you are choosing unavailable men. The answer lies within yourself.

 

Find it.

 

GEL