Why do people have affairs with MM/MW

[noel2]

Thanks for all the great advice (and of course the occasional judgement, guess its what you get when you go semi-public with private matters).

[noel2]

You are so off base, but thanks for your response. I absolutely do not have a lack of respect for marriage, no way, no how, you over-simplify human emotion. As far as you saying I lack morality, I disagree.

[pureinheart]

Wow, that was awesome! Thanks so much. I did have an extremely dysfunctional upbringing. My mother is an only child and is very selfish. She always depended on me and put pressure on me because I was the "good child" out of four. My sibling were always in trouble, therefore I always felt like I had to go the extra mile to please her. She and my father divorced when I was three and he married the OW he was having an A with. Hmmm, I wonder...... Not making excuses because I always try to be a good person, however, I keep finding myself in dysfunctional relationships, friendships included. I am always the peace keeper at work, in relationships, etc. I always try to be the mother I never had and I have four amazing children. Thanks so much for your input.

 

Hi Noel,

 

Much of what Jennie has shared has helped me beyond anything I can describe...many lightbulb experiences...I am extremely grateful:D:D:D

[White Flower]

I am from a dysfunctional family. I knew that already when MM and I reconnected. He however thought he was from a well functioning family, which is sort of hilarious considering the drug addiction, gambling addiction, nervous breakdown etc in his family of origin.

 

I told him "You would not be with me if you were not from a dysfunctional family." We seek out partners with similar backgrounds. A child from a dysfunctional family partners with a child from another dysfunctional family.

 

In my MM's case his role in his family of origin was the one of the well-behaved child, the child who did everything the right way. This is the survival technique that has helped him through life. It is so deeply rooted he can not break this pattern. He can only be the bad boy secretly. The affair offers him the possibility of change, but he does not take the opportunity. He is still the well-behaved child, staying married.

I could have written this entire post. The last bit word for word.

[White Flower]

Silly Girl,

 

What is the big deal?

 

All she has to do is dump her married man and go meet and date a single guy.

 

If she keeps having relationships with married men she will never move on with her life..

 

Am I missing something here?

CD, I'm guessing you're a male.

 

Love is not that logical. Her heart is already involved, if it wasn't she could surely use your advice. Come on now.

[White Flower]

I personally believe it has to do with self esteem issues.

 

I didn't come from a dysfunctional family (and really, who had the ideal childhood anyway? What is the ideal childhood? Everyone has adversity in their lives; it is how they choose to deal with it is what matters).

 

I ended up in an affair when my marriage ended (my marriage ended prior to me even meeting the MM). We worked together; he was older (sound familiar and cliche'??) We became friends and he told me the sob story about how his marriage was not good, how they were roommates and not lovers, how he missed affection, etc. You know, all the standard lines that get thrown out.

 

I was at a vulnerable and lonely time in my life. It happened. As I got stronger and began to value MYSELF more, I realized I didn't want to be a mistress, a side dish. I wanted to be the MAIN course and not share with anyone else. I ended it.

 

I then found the real deal, the love I needed and wanted and have been with him for 13 years now; married 12.

Love the post but argue against a low time in your life equals low self-esteem. I can have problems galore, but my faith in myself and knowing that I am smart, hard-working, and good-natured certainly adds up to a healthy self-esteem.

[White Flower]

I am currently in my second affair, trust me, I AM NOT BRAGGING! I would love to understand the real reason why so many of us allow ourselves to get involved in these situations. I'm not a loose woman, I don't purposely go after MM, but I wonder if something about me either attracts them or if something in me is attracted to them.

 

Please!!!!! I am not looking for 'because your a wh***' answers, I am looking for real psychological reasons for this because I am scared to death of this cycle i seem to have ended up in.

 

My A's have both been with men I was friends with first. We genuinely care(d) for one another, of course the sex was (is) amazing, I do tend to be a very sexual woman, but I can find sex with an available man if thats all I am looking for, so don't think thats it.

 

If you have any reasonable answers, qualified expertise or experience in this field, I would love your help.

My guess is they both pursued you and you were available both times.

 

I am quite old-fashioned and don't like being the pursuer. Had MM never come around I would not be in an A. (Well, it's ended but you know what I mean).

 

Also, I was very curious to see how this would play out. I guess curiosity killed the cat.

 

Perhaps you are a little old-fashioned in that regard and like being pursued, it just so happens that the men who pursued you were M?

[OWoman]

If you are seeking a healthy relationship you are not going to find it by dating married men...

 

noel may or may not. I did.

[noel2]

Yup, you are exactly right, they did both pursue me and yes, I was available at both points. I have never cheated on anyone I'm with, including MM, urghhh, why do I feel I have to be faithful to a MM? ridiculous

[noel2]

Yes, Jennie does give good advice, thanks Jennie! Good luck to you too :-)

[jennie-jennie]

Hi Noel,

 

Much of what Jennie has shared has helped me beyond anything I can describe...many lightbulb experiences...I am extremely grateful:D:D:D

 

Yes, Jennie does give good advice, thanks Jennie! Good luck to you too :-)

 

You are sweet both of you! I am happy if I can be of any help. Sharing makes us all stronger. :bunny:

[Mimolicious]

Wow, that was awesome! Thanks so much. I did have an extremely dysfunctional upbringing. My mother is an only child and is very selfish. She always depended on me and put pressure on me because I was the "good child" out of four. My sibling were always in trouble, therefore I always felt like I had to go the extra mile to please her. She and my father divorced when I was three and he married the OW he was having an A with. Hmmm, I wonder...... Not making excuses because I always try to be a good person, however, I keep finding myself in dysfunctional relationships, friendships included. I am always the peace keeper at work, in relationships, etc. I always try to be the mother I never had and I have four amazing children. Thanks so much for your input.

 

 

Did you just say you have 4 kids?

[lolapalooza]

Did you just say you have 4 kids?

I assumed she was in her early twenties.

[noel2]

Yes, but they do not know about the MM thing, of course!

[Mimolicious]

Sorry to say this Noel, but you are either bullshytting us or I don't know what else to say. In one of your post when you first got here, you mentioned that you are in your early 20's. Now you have 4 kids, which you haver never said absolutely anything about.

 

This sounds a bit suspect and I am sorry if this is insulting you.

 

I am actually baffled to know that you have 4 kids and you come across as you do. No pun intended, but I need to keep it real...

[noel2]

I never said I was in my 20's, but if it makes you feel better to belittle me, then by all means, I'm always for helping someone out. What does my having four kids have to do with anything and how exactly do I come across? If you're not gonna be of some help Mimolicious, please don't post anything to me anymore. You have a very snide attitude and I really don't think you're very nice.

[lolapalooza]

I never said I was in my 20's, but if it makes you feel better to belittle me, then by all means, I'm always for helping someone out. What does my having four kids have to do with anything and how exactly do I come across? If you're not gonna be of some help Mimolicious, please don't post anything to me anymore. You have a very snide attitude and I really don't think you're very nice.

The emotional immaturity illustrated in your posts is probably a big reason you find yourself involved with married men.

 

ETA: This is not meant to insult you. It is meant at face value as something for you to think about and hopefully discuss in counseling.

Edited August 12, 2010 by lolapalooza

[Mimolicious]

I never said I was in my 20's, but if it makes you feel better to belittle me, then by all means, I'm always for helping someone out. What does my having four kids have to do with anything and how exactly do I come across? If you're not gonna be of some help Mimolicious, please don't post anything to me anymore. You have a very snide attitude and I really don't think you're very nice.

 

Sorry to say but this is a public forum and I was very transparent in my post. If you take it as an insult and feel that I have "belittled" you then my apologies but I wont sugarcoat what I said neither. And you can think whatever you'd like about me. Sugar & Spice, but not always nice!

 

If you think that having 4 kids doesn't have to do with anything... Good luck hone! Wish you much strength and blessings. You will need all the energy you can afford to entertain romantic turmoils and bring up 4 functional adults. God bless!

[bentnotbroken]

So Noel, what insight have you gleaned from the posters here? Do you feel as if you have a starting point as to why you have found yourself in a 2nd affair? I am really interested what you have found.

[BlackLovely]

I never said I was in my 20's, but if it makes you feel better to belittle me, then by all means, I'm always for helping someone out. What does my having four kids have to do with anything and how exactly do I come across? If you're not gonna be of some help Mimolicious, please don't post anything to me anymore. You have a very snide attitude and I really don't think you're very nice.

 

I agree. There is way too much of this on LS and I'm growing weary of it.

[White Flower]

Sorry to say but this is a public forum and I was very transparent in my post. If you take it as an insult and feel that I have "belittled" you then my apologies but I wont sugarcoat what I said neither. And you can think whatever you'd like about me. Sugar & Spice, but not always nice!

 

If you think that having 4 kids doesn't have to do with anything... Good luck hone! Wish you much strength and blessings. You will need all the energy you can afford to entertain romantic turmoils and bring up 4 functional adults. God bless!

No offense, but romantic turmoils happen daily even in so-called happy marriages.

[lilbunny]

I'm not sure that you can generalise about these things.

I had a very happy and well-balanced childhood, my parents have been married for over 40 years and I can say with almost certainty there is no history of affairs in their marriage. My brothers (both older than me) have been married for well over a decade each. I have had long-term and relatively healthy relationships in the past and have remained friends with former partners.

I feel no sense of desperation, I was perfectly content single and had opportunities with single men, some I took up, others I declined.

 

It was very much about the individual concerned. It was someone I had been friends with for a long time, who had similar likes/dislikes (sounds a bit lame, but some of them are pretty obscure), we found we could talk to each other about anything. We just became like best friends and it developed from that. There is an age gap, but again I have dated single men both around my age and older. I have other friends I can talk to in the same way, I am close to my family. I wasn't actively looking for any sort of relationship at the time. I have a career and am able to support myself financially, a busy and active social life and no fear of committment.

Right person, very wrong timing and unfortunate circumstances. If he had been single and available it would have still happened. I think everyone has their own unique reasons for entering in to these types of relationship.

[Mimolicious]

No offense, but romantic turmoils happen daily even in so-called happy marriages.

 

 

No doubt. Kinda cripples ones ability as well. To deal with marital issues and run a family is no walk in the park. Never said that it wasn't. To deal with romantic issues and raised kids as a single parent, again, no walk in the park. Where did I singled out "romantic turmoil" to be exclusively backlash of an A?

 

There are plenty of people in marriages where their intimate issues affects their parenting. Some people weight out what is essential and stick to what matters.