Still having trouble adjusting - so much recent upheaval in my life.

[Mela]

I've been going through so much upheaval in the past three months. I moved away from home for the first time ever, and my fiance and I got our own apartment. I struggled (and still am struggling, though to a lesser degree) to adjusting living with someone who I had never lived with before. I also have never had to juggle bills and a household before. Before this, I had always lived with my parents (didn't even go away for college).

 

Then, about two weeks after I moved out, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. My mom was out of town almost 24/7 caring for her. My homesickness was out the roof. I had to leave behind everything I knew (friends, family, job) to relocate to my new area about 30-45 mins away from everyone. I'm also very close with my mother, she's one of my best friends. And going from seeing her nearly every day, to seeing her once, MAYBE twice a week has proved to be a very tough adjustment for me. I miss her very badly.

 

My grandmother declined rapidly and died around a month after her diagnosis, in the middle of June. This was my first real experience with death. I have never before lost someone who I was close with. It was really hard. I don't deal with death well, I don't think. And for some reason, ever since she passed away, I have become obsessed with the thought that eventually, my parents will die as well. I have almost constant-anxiety dealing with this fact and worrying about the day it will occur. It makes life seem almost unworth-living, since all anyone is doing is just waiting around to die eventually.

 

Then, about a month after my grandma passed away, my brother (who is a heroin addict and has been for about a year and a half now) admitted to relapsing and went away to rehab, at a place two hours away. The crazy thing is, that as worried as I am about him and him overcoming his addiction, I am more concerned with how it affects my parents. It drains their finances and makes them worry so much. I just want my parents to be able to have a peaceful life. I feel like this will age them prematurely. My mom is already overweight and has high blood pressure/cholesterol, and lost her dad when he was only 49 years old to a heart attack. I'm just so worried for her, her health and her peace of mind.

 

She and I drove up to visit my brother yesterday at rehab and we went to several counseling sessions, which was very emotionally draining, but helpful. I left feeling a lot better about things. But for some reason, last night all it took was ONE backslide - my debit card got declined for whatever reason, leading me to worry that my account has been overdrawn, and our money issues are very worrying ATM - and I just lost it. I don't know if it was the emotionally-charged day finally catching up to me or what, but I balled up on the bed and just sobbed for half an hour.

 

I woke up this morning to severe depression, which has been coming and going for the past three months, but for some reason is always worse on the weekends. I think it's because my fiance works early in the morning and so I'm alone for most of the day, and I HATE being alone. I'm not used to it because my mother was a stay-at-home mom who was pretty much always around to talk to/do things with.

 

I've become super-concious of time passing, and it depresses me to think of how FAST time goes by. Like, it's already been three months since I moved out. That seems like a long time, but it just flew by. I wish I had a pause button for life. My days pass by in a blur and before I know it everything will be over. I have a planner that I write down every day's happenings in (for instance, this day I saw this movie, had dinner with my parents, etc.) and I will flip back through it and think, "It's been a week since this happened. It's been a month since this happened. It's been three months since this happened." You get the gist. It's like an obsession or something, and contributes to my feeling like time is just going by in a blur.

 

Top ALL of this off with the fact that my fiance and I have been struggling with relationship issues (moving in together, the upcoming wedding and his cold feet, jealousy/insecurity) and that all of MY issues only add to OURS, and it's just not good.

 

I've started to see a counselor about once a week and it seems to help, but I feel like my depression is just getting more and more severe. I feel like after three months, I should be over the homesickness/missing my mom. I don't know if it's everything that snowballed after I moved out (grandma dying, brother going to rehab, relationship issues) but I'm just having SUCH a hard time adjusting, and I have no clue what to do. But I'm so, SO tired of this depression.

 

Any advice please?

[FitChick]

You sound too young to get married. You need to learn to cope on your own. You'll be moving from your parents' house into your fiance/husband's house with no time to discover who you are. Get a couple of female roommates and share an apartment, get a job, a career.