A Black Man Posted August 8, 2010 Share Posted August 8, 2010 She cheated on me. Depsite me treating her the best I could and her telling me she couldn't believe her luck to have met someone so great. She had so many issues when I met her and I helped her with EVERYTHING!! Her confidence was shot to pieces to the point she would never even dream off wearing a skirt (at least not without thick tights) and insisted we kept the lights off when we had sex. She also had an extremely low self-esteem and a pretty bleak outlook on herself in general. In the year and a bit we had together I watched proudly as she blossomed into an increasingly confident women. I showered her with so much love and compliments. Encouraged her to loosen up and helped her focus on all her good qualities until by the end of our relationship she was going out in skirts. Buying sexy underwear for me. Drinking with her friends and generally just feeling better about herself... Then guess what the B!tch goes and does?! The first decent looking guy to show her attention and she's off kissing & hugging him all night. I found out a week later (through a friend who witnessed it), broke up with her and left (it was a long distance relationship - 3hr journey). Within a day of me leaving she'd slept with him, saying she was shocked I had gone, upset and lonely and went to him for comfort. The information hit me like a knife through my chest. I only found out she'd actually slept with him because i'd hacked into her phone accounts and saw that she was messaging him. Telling him she was on her way to his flat at 2am in the morning Whether I was perfect in the relationship or not i done NOTHING to deserve that! Her last boyfriend didnt treat her anywhere near as good before he left her. I put up with her racist family and her controlling nature and her psycho jealousy. It was so easy to see past all of this because she seemed so innocent (she's tiny! only 4"11. The cutest thing ever) and when it was just the two of us it was amazing. It was just SO out of the blue though. I was her everything up until that point. We did have a constant problem in the relationship however where she was constanly trying to control me. Telling me she didnt like my female friends and telling me I had to have an escort when i went out with them. I hardly even went out with them as it was! (once every 2 weeks or so) and whenever i did it was always in broad daylight! I told her she could call me whenever she wanted and I would always pick up, just to ease her worries. I've known both these girls for over 5 years. It was stricly platonic. Her excuse for cheating on me was that I just wouldnt budge on this and it was destroying her. It was all in her f$%#ing head! NOTHING WAS GOING ON! They were there long before she came into my life, why should I have had to choose? I never put them before her. She just wouldnt see it. Couldnt get past her jealousy. She claims she made the biggest mistake of her life, wants me back and I was amazing boyfriend. I honestly treated her the best I could (without being a doormat) and at one point she really did love me so much. I couldn't believe someone could love another person as much as she did. I loved her more than I even realised myself... She's cried to me that she regrets it and all that crap and we havent spoken in over a month now. But she was still talking to the guy and lying through her teeth that she wasnt. Even texting him to make sure he hadn't told anyone. She even had the cheek to get angry with me when I confronted her about it! She's just changed so much. She just didnt seem capable of doing this to me before. How can I get her back for this? I dont even want revenge in any malicious way. I just want her to look back and feel like **** everytime she thinks back and realises what she threw away. She's claimed she was already at this stage when I last spoke to her but I want to make sure she feels this for as long as possible. I dont want her to ever forget me. If she calls me again. Would it be better to answer and let her know i'm over her by acting indifferent or should i just ignore it as I planned to? I feel pathetic for admitting this but I still really miss her. Link to post Share on other sites
agt2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Share Posted August 8, 2010 Why waste your time on a girl with a racist family who can't accept you for you anyways? Just as bad as that she cheated on you! This is what really happened, you may have built up her self esteem on the outside ( now she can wear sexy skirts and dresses) but inside she was still insecure (that is the reason she cheated on you!). If someone is insecure they have to overcome that on their own and most never do. So by you giving her compliments and all isn't enough to boost her self esteem because she has to do that herself. She will see what she lost by losing you in due time. It will handle itself via Karma. She will date around and finally see that no guy treats her like you did. She eventually will try to come crawling back to you and that is when you be STRONG and deny her, tell her you're not interested. so if she tries to call you tell her you aren't interested and have moved on, thats how you make her suffer! That will make her sick to her stomach. Give it sometime maybe a month or two to let her go out and sew her oats. Eventually she will come running back to you. I suggest you go out and date in the meantime, chill with friends and family, live life, and have fun. When she tries to come back to you tell her your not interested and have moved on. It will crush her!! Link to post Share on other sites
Don Ho Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 LOL! How do we get back at them?! I love it! Ok, first part. No, do not answer her call. No, do not contact her with any means and tell her how you feel. No, do not tell her you miss her. Go NC. it's best for YOU. Sure you were a great guy. How could she do this to you? Because she his little character and morals. Why would you want a woman like that? You wouldn't. I think if I were you I would count my blessings that she showed her true self. Now. To answer your big question: "The best way to get back at someone is to have a GOOD life". Get it? Make yourself a better man. Make your life better. Find a better woman. At that point it won't really matter to you much, but when she finds out you moved on, you're happy and you have a good woman, YOU will be able to smile to yourself and think "Ha! Told you so biatch!" Good luck bro. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 Understand anything that shows less then 100% class and dignity from you will only confirm to her what she did was the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 Black, the best revenge is to live your life to the fullest and forget about her Link to post Share on other sites
tpopcaz Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 yea I agree with everyone, dont go down to her level. I believe if I cheated on someone, it would hurt me more seeing that they are having a great life without me and that maybe I made a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 Just move on with your life and next time find a woman who already has herself together instead of trying to play the rescuer. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 If she calls me again. Would it be better to answer and let her know i'm over her by acting indifferent or should i just ignore it as I planned to? I feel pathetic for admitting this but I still really miss her.Do you want her back or not? If yes, act like you will never take her back. Hang up as soon as she calls or soon thereafter. Don't call, don't show any emotion. If you don't want her back however, just do whatever helps you forget her. I find that staying away from my ex really helps me distance myself emotionally from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 Getting back at an ex-lover is a measure of her power over you. The minute you get that agenda out of your mind, you take away her power and free yourself. Simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author A Black Man Posted August 9, 2010 Author Share Posted August 9, 2010 Thanks guys. Great advice even thought that's excatly what i've been doing. I honestly think a lot of it boiled down to the fact I was unemployed for the majority of the relationship and the knock on effect of low self-esteem and confidence which comes with that. I did become really weak to the point I barely recognised myself and was close to tears for feeling useless a lot of the time. I think this may have contributed to her losing some of the respect she once had for me. I would never have even though about taking her back If i was my usual self. It's almost like it was a sign though. A week after it happened I finally got a top job and I feel the old, confident man i used to be rapidly coming back. Everyone close to me has noticed it as well. I know I will be happy again eventually but even so, late at night I find myself thinking about what she did to me over and over ain my head. It almost brought me to tears once again a few nights ago. I dont think it as much to do with gettin over her than it is getting over what she done to me. I know i'll get there eventually though. I feel pathetic for missing her still. Anyway. Thanks again guys. Much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted August 9, 2010 Share Posted August 9, 2010 ...I know I will be happy again eventually but even so, late at night I find myself thinking about what she did to me over and over ain my head... Thanks for your thanks. What I quoted above reminds me of Jimi Hendrix' "Hey Joe". Many a man has suffered by betrayal. You want to let it go--not like Joe. Be free without the vengeance--there is no freedom with it. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Beeotch Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 You don't need to take "revenge" into your own hands....most times people's own guilty consciences cause them more pain than someone else can. When people do horrible things, they usually have a problem, and that problem usually plagues their lives regardless of them being with you or not, regardless of where they go, what they do and with whom. If you were such a great guy and she cheated on you...it shows she probably has some chronic issue. Even though she may not show it, she probably feels horrible already. That alone is bad enough....leave her be. When you go your own way and wish that person luck and live your life without any vengeance, it hurts a lottt more than going out of your way to be spiteful. Anyway, you're just hurt now. When enough time passes the whole situation won't even be worth your time, trust me. So please don't go the road of short term "gain" through revenge, then when the fog clears and months/years later you think back you feel like a complete fool for doing XYZ to this person. As the saying goes: "He who seeks vengeance must dig two graves, one for his enemy and one for himself" Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 The best revenge is the greatest cliche of all time: to be happy without them. People like your ex THRIVE on drama and passion; they thrive on your hate as much as your love. They NEED your attention. It makes them feel special and powerful. 'No such thing as bad press.' If you can get through the anger phase, and let go of the desire to entertain revenge fantasies, you'll see the greatest revenge is living a productive and happy life WITHOUT her. In time she'll see it and she'll think, 'why doesn't he care? how can he be happy without me? how can he not be in love with me anymore?' and the thoughts will drive her insane. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 The best revenge is the greatest cliche of all time: to be happy without them. Actually, it's not. Once they see you're happy without them, people (especialy control freaks) move on very fast. For as long as they know you care about them, you're giving them a hard time because they care about you too and they have no peace. A person who doesn't care about you just doesn't care whether you're fine without therm or not. 'why doesn't he care? how can he be happy without me? how can he not be in love with me anymore?' and the thoughts will drive her insane. They drive YOU insane, but if you give them a closure such as "I am done" and you support it by your actions, they will soon be done with you, too. The ideal revenge is telling them you love them and they have a chance with you while you're totally over them long ago. But no one normal would do that... Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 How can I get her back for this? I dont even want revenge in any malicious way. I just want her to look back and feel like **** everytime she thinks back and realises what she threw away. She's claimed she was already at this stage when I last spoke to her but I want to make sure she feels this for as long as possible. I dont want her to ever forget me. If that's the kind of revenge you want, then "your best revenge is living well". And, in this age of ours... post evidence of the great life you're living on your Facebook page, and make it searchable to everybody. If she's on FB and is curious about you, she'll look you up, and see what a great life you're having. Et voila... revenge will be yours. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 How can I get her back for this? I dont even want revenge in any malicious way. I just want her to look back and feel like **** everytime she thinks back and realises what she threw away. She's claimed she was already at this stage when I last spoke to her but I want to make sure she feels this for as long as possible. I dont want her to ever forget me. By moving on and being happy without giving her a second thought- that's the best revenge you could ever have. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 Actually, it's not. Once they see you're happy without them, people (especialy control freaks) move on very fast. For as long as they know you care about them, you're giving them a hard time because they care about you too and they have no peace. A person who doesn't care about you just doesn't care whether you're fine without therm or not. They drive YOU insane, but if you give them a closure such as "I am done" and you support it by your actions, they will soon be done with you, too. The ideal revenge is telling them you love them and they have a chance with you while you're totally over them long ago. But no one normal would do that... I understand your point about them having no peace, but if they know you want them and they want you, and they aren't making the effort to be with you, then they don't want you enough and so what real torture is that? They are still making the choice to NOT be with you. If it hurt them that much they would try to make it work. Them wanting you and knowing you have found happiness, I think hurts a lot. And really its not about getting back together, because thats up to the one that dumped you, its about being happy; they might never know you're happy, but just that you're still going, still living without them and without begging to them is enough. I'm sure my ex knows I still like him, but I can bet that doesn't keep him up at night Link to post Share on other sites
Author A Black Man Posted August 14, 2010 Author Share Posted August 14, 2010 Do you guys think I could ever talk to her again? And even more importantly SHOULD I ever talk to her again. It just feels strange not having someone that was so important to me in my life anymore. But perhaps i'm just trying to convince myself it's a good idea because i miss her? Am I not making it easier for her by going NC and allowing her to forget about me? I think she's already started meeting new guys...it kills to think she was telling the truth about how much she regretted it, has genuinely learned from this and will be the perfect girlfreind for someone else Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 Living well is the best revenge. In the future, stay away from women with major self esteem issues, they'll do anything for a moment of satisfaction and attention. Wasn't there a "captain save a ho" thread a few months ago, this sort of reminds me of that Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts