Am I just kidding myself.

[Lovebird]

What should I do? I have been dating a man for a year. We are both in our 50's. Both divorced, he over 20 years, me 2 years. We see each other every weekend. Up until a month ago it was Sat afternoon to Sunday evening. At my request, we have been adding an extra weekend day most of the time.

 

My problem is that he says he likes to be alone and goes home each night during the week (when he almost never sees me) to watch TV or just hang around the home alone. He was very hurt in his divorce, as his wife cheated on him and left him for another man. He takes medication for depression. He is terribly afraid of marriage and says it is too soon for him to live with me. I would like to live with him in the near future and not be a weekend date forever.

 

He loves me and is kind and tender and is there if I have a real emergency, but sometimes he doesn't call for a day or two and just retreats. I love him and he told me if he ever wanted to get married, he would marry me, as I am the most wonderful woman he knows. I have met his family and friends and he has met mine.

 

My question is, am I expecting too much too soon. Is there any hope?

[Darkangelism]

A year is pretty fast, even though you arnt young anymore, give him more time.

[brashgal]

Hard to say. He's afraid of marriage he says, but sounds like he's pretty afraid of intimacy too. Does he seem depressed? Meds still working or could be time to switch (they often become ineffective after a couple years of use)?

 

Have you asked him about moving in together? What does he say?

[Invader_Elemdee]

tell him to suck it up life is too short for that crap

[SugarBitch]

Don't get to clingy, guys dont like that.

 

I say explore all of your options if you know what I mean.

[maga]

Don't be in a hurry to marry. You have a nice thing going. I am your age and was in a similar situation only I was the one who needed the space/ freedom. Well, we got married several months ago (I caved into the pressure of his wanting to) and I am feeling trapped and depressed. I am having thoughts of separation now, something I never thought of before.

 

My advice, you have a good thing, don't mess with it. Marriage can change you in ways you have not anticipated.

[jester]

Being a middle aged guy myself, my best guess is that he's very comfortable. He's not divorced recently--that happened 20 years ago. Although it's possible he's still damaged, I very much doubt it after 20 years. I bet he uses the 20-year old cheating/divorce trauma as an excuse to keep things as they are: sex and companionship on weekends and no encumbrances during the week. Many middle aged guys would like that--even married ones.

 

And no, I don't believe he's depressed or intimacy impaired: he has, for him, a very comfortable lifestyle.

 

The question you must ask yourself: How long will this weekend marriage remain tolerable for you? I suspect time is running out, and you both will begin the delicate task of re-negotiating your relationship in light of evolving expectations. That is not an easy task in the best of circumstances.

 

Good luck.

[befuddled11]

If it IS true that he's still hurting from his broken marriage, then ended a whopping 20 yrs ago, then the guy seriously has some huge issues and isn't relationship material...for he's not dealt with anything.

 

But it could also be that he uses that all as an excuse to avoid intimacy....fear of getting hurt? Enjoying his freedom to come and go as he pleases? etc.

 

You've been together a whole year. That's a significant enough amount of time for each of you to know where you stand, what you each want, where it's going. Doesn't sound like he's on the same path that you are.

 

Sure, he's kind and caring and that's great...but if after a year, you don't have more closeness with this guy, and him wanting your relationship to progress further, then it just means he's not the guy for you. And life is short.....don't "settle" or stay "stuck" in a relationship that's not meeting your needs. It doesn't sound at all like he would want to live together with you.........so there's likely no point even bringing that up. His actions otherwise show that he's someone who very much enjoys his "Space" yet having the occasional "perks" of a relationship.

 

I think you need to re-evaluate things here.

[lsinger]

Originally posted by maga

Don't be in a hurry to marry. You have a nice thing going. I am your age and was in a similar situation only I was the one who needed the space/ freedom. Well, we got married several months ago (I caved into the pressure of his wanting to) and I am feeling trapped and depressed. I am having thoughts of separation now, something I never thought of before.

 

My advice, you have a good thing, don't mess with it. Marriage can change you in ways you have not anticipated.

 

Funny, that is what he says. He says people change when they marry. I don't want to rush into marriage, or force him to do something he doesn't want to do. We are taking a break now from our relationship. Thanks for responding.

[lsinger]

Originally posted by jester

Being a middle aged guy myself, my best guess is that he's very comfortable. He's not divorced recently--that happened 20 years ago. Although it's possible he's still damaged, I very much doubt it after 20 years. I bet he uses the 20-year old cheating/divorce trauma as an excuse to keep things as they are: sex and companionship on weekends and no encumbrances during the week. Many middle aged guys would like that--even married ones.

 

And no, I don't believe he's depressed or intimacy impaired: he has, for him, a very comfortable lifestyle.

 

The question you must ask yourself: How long will this weekend marriage remain tolerable for you? I suspect time is running out, and you both will begin the delicate task of re-negotiating your relationship in light of evolving expectations. That is not an easy task in the best of circumstances.

 

Good luck.

 

You are so right on target. This weekend he and I have decided to take a break from the relationship. I initiated this. He said everything is by my timetable. That I have been saying for 6 months that we should be thinking of living together by one year. I said he has put up unacceptable boundaries. He said he would probably move in with me to keep me from being unhappy, but that would just end up a disaster. He wants us to both want it and the more I give him deadlines, the more he puts up boundaries. I have been told guys do this. He cried when he left today. Can anyone renegotiate this, what do you suggest I do?

[carla]

I'm with Jester, I think after 20yrs he's pretty settled in his ways, and to have to share his space with femine things all over well that's probably harder for him to deal with then having to commit. He's used to his time he probably feels that if you move in he will not have any time to himself. You always get less things done when someone else is around. How many times did you have a task that needed to be done, did you do it when someone else is around or when your by yourself and you can put all of your undistrubed concentration on the task at hand. whether it be cleaning the house, painting a wall, reading a book, listening to music, or curling up on the couch to watch TV. If nobody else is home there is noboby to disturb you.

[jester]

Can anyone renegotiate this, what do you suggest I do?

 

Like you and your lover, I'm in my 50s(early 50s). Time does become more important as our horizons shrink. Your timetable is very reasonable in light of your ages and the quality and length of your relationship. So If I was that guy, and I wanted to be in a 24/7 relationship with you, we'd live together.

 

Unfortunately, this man appears not to want to live with you on anything but his terms. You have leverage: tell him you cannot wait forever and if he doesn't want to live with you, then you will find someone who does, and he can go on taking his anti-depression meds and watching TV alone without benefit of your weekend companionship. (I guarantee the weeks will seem much longer to him.)

 

Two problems with this ultimatum approach: first, he may call your bluff and still refuse to agree to co-habitation. Second, he capitulates, but resents your ham-fisted tactics and makes co-habitation cold and lonely. He becomes passive-aggressive.

 

Another approach, is to continue the weekend connection, but start dating. And do not hide the fact that you're back in the market. Don't throw it in his face but by your conduct make clear to him that he cannot have this relationship on his terms forever. Using this middle way, you continue to have weekend benefits with him and meet new people--guys who are less selfish and fixed in their ways.

 

Good luck.

[Pretteangel]

I don't think you are wanting to much to soon. 1 year is long enough for him to know if he wants a future with you or not. I feel there are games being played.

 

I feel men use past experience for an excuse sometimes. You have nothing to do with his past bad experience.

 

I think that maybe it is time to pull away a little and don't be so available. That does not mean you play games or want to manipulate him or his actions.

 

Take care of yourself and live your live, remember you don't need a man to be happy, make yourself happy!

[Lovebird]

Originally posted by brashgal

Hard to say. He's afraid of marriage he says, but sounds like he's pretty afraid of intimacy too. Does he seem depressed? Meds still working or could be time to switch (they often become ineffective after a couple years of use)?

 

Have you asked him about moving in together? What does he say?

 

He says that he doesn't know if he can see the same person every day. He says he doesn't even like to see the guys he works with every day but has to since he needs the paycheck. I told him I was not the "guys he works with". He says it is too soon for him to move in with me and that I am giving him an ultimatum. That the more I push, the more he will retreat. He says that he would probably move in with me just not to see me unhappy, but then he would feel angry that it was only what I wanted. He wants both of us to be ready. In the same breath he says what I put in the first sentence above.

 

I am his best friend now. Anything that happens in his life he calls me to tell me. He listens and is interested in my life also. Do you think he needs more time? Sometimes I wonder what my hurry is. We are taking a break from the relationship at my initiation (I said for a month) and when he left to go home he cried. He said I love you and don't want to lose you. I think I am the first person he has ever been in love with and he is surprised and scared.

 

Do you think it is better to try living together, even if you are afraid, because it could or could not work, but if you don't try, it definitely won't work.