Oh, how I miss him...

[Calendula]

It’s late. I’ve spent the night out with friends, had a few glasses of wine, and I’m about to go to bed. As I drove home from a friend’s place (I gave her a ride) my mind turned towards the man I love and the fact that he can’t be with me right now. Most of the time, I’m ok, I stay busy with my life, but every now and then thoughts of him catch me off guard and I just miss him. It is like an ache that echoes to the bottom of my soul. I want him. I want him here with me, to talk to him. I want to be able to curl up beside him, touch him, hold him, feel his physical presence next to me. It hurts how I miss him sometimes, so much so that it can bring tears to my eyes if I let myself think about him.

 

So I stay busy with my life. I find things that can distract me. I focus on just getting done what it is I have to do. Most of the time this is enough. I make it from day to day and no one would suspect that I feel like there is someone missing from my life. But when I lay in bed before I fall asleep at night I think of him, and I miss him. Oh, how I miss him. I fall asleep thinking of him, remembering times we’ve spent together, and sometimes I dream of him. I love this man, this person I can’t be with right now, but I know I have to bide my time and be patient until I can again be with him.

 

Someday we’ll find a way to live together in the same town. Someday we’ll find a place where we can both have jobs. It will work out; this I have to believe. It will just take time. And in the mean time, I must sleep, and I must get up in the morning and do the work that I have to do. I can’t think of him, I can’t let myself miss him and feel sorry for myself because he can’t be here with me every second of every day. I have my own life, things I’ve worked towards, things I have to do for me, and that must be my focus right now. Our time will come, I must just wait and keep working towards it. We’ll figure it out. But oh, how I miss him, and oh, how I love him…

[skydiveaddict]

I know how you feel. Just pray that you two dont break up. T he pain isnt worth it

[LisaLee]

That is how I felt last night. Whenever those sad feelings catch up to me I tend to go to bed early. Better to get up early and be busy with my day then let the evening go by in loneliness.

[EnigmaRole]

I know the physical pain of missing someone you speak of, I have felt it all too often.

 

I find there is nothing you can do to make it better, you've just got to ride with whatever emotion you're feeling at the time. Tomorrow always seems that little bit better.

 

Everyday spent apart is a day closer to you being together.

 

Cherish the memories you have with him and be thankful for them.

 

You will be together one day if you're meant to be, and it will be so worth it.

 

Hugs. ER

[Calendula]

Thank you all for your feedback. The support is appreciated.

 

Strangely enough, breaking up with him isn't a concern for me in any real sense. Our relationship is one with a solid foundation and a lot of good history, and if any two people can make a LDR work, it would be the two of us.

 

As strange as it sounds to say it, we did break up about 4 years ago, but it didn't really stick. I left him then (in 2006), on good terms, because our lives were moving in different directions. We are both very independent and career oriented people and at the time we both let the distance and our disparate choices pull us apart. I had several reasons for ending our relationship back then, most having to do with my own personal growth and needs, but he let me go because he loved me and understood that I needed to leave him. No lies, no arguments, just honest open communication and tears for what couldn't be. At that point in time, we'd been together for 3 years in the same town, and then 1.5 years living 6 hrs apart.

 

Looking back on the past 4 years I've spent apart from him, I can't deny how much I missed him even then. We weren't together in any sense, we weren't even 'friends,' and we were practically No Contact for all intents and purposes, but still I missed him and thought about him. My relationship with this man influenced so much of what I looked for in a partner during our years apart. I suppose it just took time for me to realize that I didn't just want certain character traits, I wanted him.

 

Now, 4 years later, we've reconnected and it is as though we never even split. We still match each other in all the ways that matter and though we've both undoubtedly changed in many small ways, the big things that define each of us and draw us towards each other are still the same. The distance hasn't changed (still 6 hrs of driving), and the past hasn't changed (and I wouldn't want it to), but my perspective on the present and the future has.

 

I'm happier than I've been in a long time, knowing that he is again a part of my life and that he still loves me. And while uncertainty still clouds the future, at least now there is a chance that we can find a way to again be together, and I have another direction and goal I can work towards (him). The hard part is that I know I have to take things slowly. We've only been able to see each other twice since we reestablished contact, but it has been enough to figure out that we're still in love. Even so, we still have to get to know each other again, and slowly reunite our lives. We're both busy people, so at best we manage to talk on the phone once a week, and visits can only happen every month or two because of our schedules. In some ways, though, time and distance are both on our side, because it means we have to take things slowly, and we'll both be careful to do it right so we can get what we both want (each other).

 

I know the only thing to do is stay busy so the time at least seems to pass faster, but whenever I slow down enough to let my mind wander, I invariably miss him. I know there is no place for him here in this life I currently have, no job, no home, no garden, nothing for him to do. And I would never ask him in any way to give up all he has worked for in his life to simply be with me, especially when I have so little time to even spend with him. And so I wait. And so I work. And time will pass. Things will change because they must. And I will simply do all I can to choose life changes for me that are in the direction I desire: towards being with him.

 

I love him enough that I want him to be happy, even if it means I can't be with him right now. I love him enough that I want to bring all of me into this new relationship we're building together: all of my independence, my own career, my own strength and abilities. If I sacrifice what I need for me and who I am just to be with him, then I would feel that I was short-changing him, and like I wasn't the person he truly deserves. To pick up and leave what I've worked for just to be with him would be the easy way, but it wouldn't be me.

 

Someday we'll find a way to be together, and in the mean time I'll just have to keep missing him. I survived for four years without him in my life (mostly unhappy, but I survived); another two years is manageable. And for all the times that I miss him, I know I'll appreciate him that much more whenever we are together for however briefly.

 

In the big scheme of things, I suppose I'm rather pragmatic when it comes to relationships, and I truly believe that if something is meant to be, it will come to pass. If things don't work out for us, then so be it, but such a possibility won't stop me from trying everything I can to find a way to make it work. If he is willing to do the same, and truly wants to be with me, then some pretty powerful forces would have to come into play to keep us apart in the long term.

 

And so, until 'someday' becomes 'today', I'll just keep missing him and loving him, and that will have to be enough.