The Lost Guide to the No Contact Policy

[mandrews1119]

Hey fish,

Just take a couple of real deep breaths, step back a bit and not be so torn up or torn down by each thing that happens. STOP playing mind games, would you appreciate her playing them with you at this point? If you think she is playing games, then call her out on it. There is no magic wand, no perfect answers, just life, one day at a time.

[lost_in_chgo]

NEONINK:

Are you sure you would even want that basketcase back even if she groveled on her bloody hands and knees?

 

Yes. Very sure. Part of this whole thing is that she needs some time and space to herself. Her brother told me months ago that she was just going thru a single phase. Most everyone says "lose the biatch or some variant. But a few are indicating that perhaps she will come around in time. And most recently the most die hard advocate of moving on, one of my friends, started to think that maybe she's reconsidering, after reading the ultimatum email (see earlier posts)

 

But she keeps coming back to me in various ways for conversation and support. I can't decide if she is genuinely that interested or just trying to ease her mind. But she wouldn't have to grovel. She'd just have to talk to me about it. You know, I wasn't even slightlty tempted to tell her off. I did consider it as a life changing move, but it didn't tempt me.

 

 

Fish:

Sounds like things are going well. My tack would be to say, well when you decide what you really wnt you tell me and then to force some space on her for a little while so she stops coming back for free samples.

[lost_in_chgo]

So theres a girl at my new job, giving me the eye on the few occasions I see her. Might be something there. There's an old girlfriend giving me friendly emails about how she used to run around my house naked and other suggestive reminiscences. And there's an old old friend of the family being mentioned to me by a relative. (she asked about you, etc).

 

So opportunities are out there. And I'm starting to feel like taking one of them up on the offer.

 

My ex is going to lose her chance and probably, unfortunately any chance at friendship she had. Too many games and really I have enough anonymous Internet friends already.

 

But still, I'm holding that door for her....

[Dixicron]

Alright Lost!

 

That's what I want to hear. Why don't you start with the old ex? (unless there was a real good reason for her being an ex in the first place) Sort of ease yourself back into the saddle. She already knows you, so you don't have to go through all of the "getting to know you" bit that you would have to worry about with the others. And if you really want the recent ex back, you know what they say about them coming back as soon as you've moved on to someone else... And if any of the new ones are worth the time, they'll slam that old door closed real fast.

[fishman3226]

Yeah, new blood cancells out old trash...

 

I have this fun thing where today I told my ex - who wants no contact - to stop contacting me.

 

I said basically said that if she wants me I am there - if she wants no contact then do that - I am sick to death of her playing games with me and my heart - hell, I met a girl and chatted a while online and on the phone that made me feel really good and happy then she sticks her head in and tries to suck some more life out of me.

 

I have also composed a 'get out of my life once and for all' email that I may or may not send. I dont want this woman - who now is back onto drugs - in my life - she cannot be trusted and to be honest I dont want her crap in my life.

 

Time will tell what happens all up... but I am thinking the grass IS greener on the other side.

[monkey]

I'm sick of her not contacting me, she said she would because she wants to know how my therapy is going, i just find it so hard to imagine that someone can go from all to nothing.

She wants me to be well & not to hurt me, but she does hurt me!

Each of our s/o's is different & everyones idea of space is different, i feel if i gave an ultimatum, she would be glad.

I say to her that i know she's scared i'll still have my anxiety & that she will think she will be caring for me, but i've been through months of therapy, both in pill & talk form.

I've not talked about "us", all i said when i did my last mail ages ago was of what we're doing & my therapy, things she told me to talk of.

This is hurting me, but she wants me to be better, just the occasional mail would be nice.

I can't bump into her at work, cos i'm in England & she's in Hungary, butwe're only a text away. I hope she does.

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hi Monkey,

 

I know you're hurting real bad and this has been extremely hard on you. But sometimes we keep our own pain alive when we have expectations (our lovers coming back) and not letting go. It is very hard to let go of the person you love, but what good comes from the fantasy that they will, if they won't?

 

I am sure she cares for you, but not in the way you want her to. You can tell how much a person really loves/cares for you because their actions will always speak louder than words. Anyone care merely mumble a few caring words from time to time, but do their actions mirror the talk?

 

One good thing that is coming from this is the fact that you're seeking treatment for your stress and anxiety. Before you can truly be happy with another person, you have to be happy within yourself. No person out there is reliable for someone elses bliss. When we're content in our own lives, bringing a person should complement us, not determine our joy.

 

Many people on this forum have suggested for you to move on. Not because they are trying to destroy your faith or hope in reuniting with your ex, but they want to see you move on with your life and enjoy it. And once you achieve that contentment without your ex, you can start to finally feel free from the burden of worrying of "what could've been." And if that day comes that she does decide to come back, maybe you'll be at a point in your life that you realize that you can be happy without her and don't "need" her.

 

Finding our own pleasure within ourselves is a lot easier than placing it on another person. Because when we do that, it's a huge load for them to carry. So, keep up the councelling sessions and I hope you find happiness within you.

[monkey]

Hi,

I do love her because i care & want her to be well, not because i need her to lean on or cure my anxiety, i just love her person.

 

She didn't mumble a fiew caring words, she told me, regularly for a month & gave me her word, that we would meet up when i'm well & see what happens! She wrote me a letter of caringness that i brought home that was a focus for me to get well, saying that she wants to meet with me, she wrote it in my diary with words of how she cares.

 

This anxiety problem is something i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, it creates panic, fear, terror, paranoia, insecurity & needing reassurance. If you break your leg, it's possible to sit & do things while it heals, but with this, it is total torture 24/7.

 

These things she wrote, we used to romantically write things in hidden places to each other, they were to help me on my way, that she couldn't wait for me to be well.

She once sat on my knee when i was upset once & i hugged her & she promised me that she would wait for me to return, this was no little mumble.

 

So you see, i carry on with things i do & therapy, & i don't expect to just jump back in bed with her right away, beacuse friends we are, but just a chance to meet & she can judge for herself & see if she likes me then, she has nothing to lose, but i could lose the person i love so!

[fishman3226]

I have a different situation - the girl I have been with that left me has regressed into a person that she was in years gone by. She used to be a drug taking stripper - and no, that IS the reality - and now her life appears to be how bent can she get..

 

She often contacts me for help and questions me about things - like yesterday she rings me in the morning to ask about how to work out her yearly salary - I mean she could have rung ANYBODY with that - and then at night she smses me saying she went to some festival she found interesting... mind you she ends both with "I will rng you in two weeks."

 

But she does not want to see me and have me in her life?

 

I smsed her back this:

 

"Margot, stop please telling me what u r doing. If u want me I am urs but stop playing with my heart. I know you want me just admit it,"

 

I dont think that is anything but blunt. I love her, but the person I am in love with is not who she is now. She is a sick individual who needs help, but why should I gve it to her? She is undeserving of my lov I believe? Bitter - hell yeah! But I have the right to be. I also have a right to grieve and move on without her pull on the line every couple of days - really brought down my mood the messages after chatting to a lovely new girl online and speaking on the phone.

 

It is fast approaching that she is completely wiped out of my life. And I think she needs it to fall in her little pathetic hole of a life she is making so she can climb out and be a better person. If it is with me then she can come crawling to me. Otherwise.......

 

I cannot care for her when she does not care for herself.

[monkey]

Fishman

You sound honest & caring & that she should be feeling lucky that your around, i just wish my s/o would feel the same.

Me, when i'm happy & how we were isn't this anxious insecure person, but someone that is fun, loyal & romantic, with lots of love to give.

Unfortunately she remembers me as the person with these health issues.

Your situation is rather similar, but different if you know what i mean.

You obviously see her for her good side & not what she has gone back too, why can't we all be this way!

[ldybg51]

my ex broke it off with me an he still wanted to be friends. He would call me and ect. but then when he heard about me talking to another guy he got really jealous, saying that I shouldnt talk to this guy in particular and should it have been someone else then he wouldnt care. I think he was just making excuses for why he got jealous at all. But anyway, The NO CONTACT thing came about because of him getting jealous. I told him that if he could not just be my friend, instead of a jealous ex then to stop calling me or contacting me in any way. He still called for a few things and has not stopped. I do not answer his calls. I listen to the vmails that he leaves and may reply with a text but that is it. He was dissapointed when I told him NO Contact but has not followed my wishes totally. I did im him yesterday to say hi and see how Kimo was, who was our dog and now is his. I miss her so much. But After saying hi and asking about her I just said Okay, just checking, ttyl. He replied, well okay, bye then. so now I am going to go back to no contact again. And continue to not answer his calls. It just helps me get over him. It really does. I feel better like this and now i actually feel a bit interest toward other guys. Attraction if you will, where there was none before at all. No contact just seems to help the situation in so many ways. Not just them missing you, although that can be a big part of it.

[miscel]

Okay I agree with this no contact policy. Lord knows I should have followed it in past relationships.

 

But.....what if children are involved here. My boyfriend and I just broke up, I believe we can work things out and Im trying the whole no contact thing to see if he just needs to think about things and hopefully have a chance to miss me but I need it especially for my own sanity, dont think I can handle seeing him again face to face right now, but we have to communicate somehow on things regarding our 8 month old baby.

So how do I keep things at a no contact when I still have to talk to him on the phone and see him when he comes to visit the baby. What should I do to still give us both space when I have to call him about the baby. I dont want it to seem like the baby is my excuse to call him. Should I just keep all issues about the baby to myself until he asks?

 

more info on my heart breaking drama is posted under Second Chances: "How can my boyfriend's feelings change so quickly" replies are greatly appreciated.

[Dixiecron]

With a child involved, that is a whole different situation and I would ask you to be very careful with any advice you get on this particular board regarding no contact in your situation. If the person speaking doesn't have children of their own from a previous relationship, then take their opinion with a grain of salt.

 

That being said, as a single person with no children of my own, the only advice I would give is to ask this same question on a divorce-specific message board.

[miscel]

I thank you greatly for your concern, but I wasnt saying that I would have absolutely no contact with him so that he doesnt get to see the baby. I just wanted to know how do I handle the situation when he does come to visit the baby. I want him back so badly but I dont want to show it to where its going to push him farther away. The one thing is that he cant take the baby to stay with him over night or for any length of time becuz I am still breastfeeding which he totally respects my right to do that. Im scared of the times I have to see him and that I might break down and cry. What should I do?