Elope or small wedding...what do you think?

[KikiW]

OK, SO and I have decided to get married this fall (for several reasons aside from the obvious). It is 2nd wedding for both of us, and we both want a VERY small affair. Here's all the hitches, I would appreciate opinions....

 

His family lives about 1500 miles away, including his daughter from his previous marriage. I also have a daughter, who has already demanded to be maid of honor.

 

We do not have a large savings. SO was supposed to have already been in a position in his job that would be significantly more money, however, the person he is supposed to replace is being stubborn and not handing in his resignation as was expected. My gut feeling is that it could happen any minute now, or as long as 3 months. His lower payscale has not allowed us to put money away, but he did get a recent bump up to keep him happy and we should be able to put SOMETHING aside.

 

We have discussed eloping and publicly calling it our "engagement" - that way we will be married and will give us time to plan something small but elegant for next year. This could cost at little as $750-1000 (site, dress, suit, hair and makeup, "engagement" ring). My concern is that specifically my daughter will find out we're already married and will be very hurt she wasn't there, despite being in a public ceremony next year.

 

We are also discussing having an extremely private ceremony with just us, the two girls and our mothers (fathers no longer around). Logistically, however, we will need to travel to a midpoint between us. A friend of mine who did the elopement thing suggested a bed and breakfast that can also do elopement packages, but I spent hours scouring the area we would go to and found ONE place that was reasonable - $500 for ceremony, plus cost of rooms ($150-200/night). If we did that, we'd have to drive there ($100 for gas/food on the 11 hour drive), we'd probably end up paying for the rooms (at least another $500-600), dresses for the girls ($100-200), hair and makeup ($150-250?), a dress for me (I'm happy to find something VERY simple, but still expect at least $100), clothes for him ($100-200), a nice intimate celebration dinner ($200-300?) and suddenly my little simple affair is spinning beyond what I think we would be able to save. Not to mention we do not even have the rings yet (not that I am wanting something extravagant but I would like something special). At the end of this "simple" ceremony, we're probably looking at about $3500 when all is said and done. Now, I am pretty sure my mother would happily take care of some smaller expenses, possibly take care of her own room, but I would honestly rather take care of that for her.

 

What do YOU think? Should we push for the 6-person ceremony or ease back and go for the 2 person "engagement-elopement"?

[Stung]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

 

A big part of me wanted to elope, also, but I went for the extremely small wedding because of our moms and our kids. I totally understand the desire to keep everything inexpensive and private between the two getting married, but I do think excluding your daughters could be very hurtful to them. My stepdaughter was the maid-of-honor AND the best man, my cousin was deputized at city hall and conducted the ceremony, our moms signed as witnesses, my dad took the pictures and fired up the BBQ, our infant son boogied with his aunts and we all had a picnic right on the water.

 

You don't have to pay for a packaged small wedding, if you're open to a new idea of a wedding. Mine cost a fair bit because we rented private cabins for everyone for several days and splurged on the rings, but it was still less than most people spend and the wedding itself was very inexpensive. Champagne, picnic food, barbecue, cheesecake on the beach, everybody in jeans. My stepdaughter carried the flowers she picked. It was more casual than some people prefer for a wedding, but it was also very romantic, and because literally every person involved was family and loved us, it was very intimate. There were no expensive vendors, nothing felt pre-packaged. We could have gotten away with the wedding and reception costing only a few hundred dollars, less if we didn't have the champagne.

 

Unfortunately it's tougher to take care of those details yourself if you HAVE to meet at a midway point you can't drive to yourself. Our wedding spot was only 2 hours from where we live, I was able to drive up there several times to scout things out and make plans. Isn't there some way your family can go to his, or his come to yours, or something?

Edited August 10, 2010 by Stung
forgot to add something

[KikiW]

We've talked further and I think you both are right - we're probably going to go for the small wedding. I know he wants to get me a decent ring, so that's probably going to be the biggest expense, but my ex (we're on great terms) actually suggested the same as you, Stung, don't go B&B, just get a few hotel rooms for everyone, find a JOP, see if you can find a "picturesque" setting and just do it. He suggested splurging on a really nice restaurant.

 

The more I think about it all, the more excited I am getting. Squee!

[Stung]

 

The more I think about it all, the more excited I am getting. Squee!

 

 

THIS is the important bit. Do what you can to keep the squee, and minimize the stress. You're getting married! Be happy and don't sweat the small stuff...getting rid of stress and potential bridezilla-meltdown syndrome is one of the best reasons to stick with a tiny, personal wedding, IMO.

 

I went through the same process as you, in many ways. I also looked over package B&B weddings, and while some of them seemed quite lovely, I thought they also seemed a bit impersonal, since everything was picked for you. I loved having a casual outdoor wedding in a beautiful, natural setting...but I'd caution you to have a backup location scouted, just in case of bad weather. Since your wedding party is so small you can look for unconventional places and won't even necessarily have to book anything formally.

 

My wedding was also in the fall so I scouted out a large, sheltered gazebo in a public gardens about 15-20 min from the waterside location we did use, to be our alternate in case of rain. Fortunately our wedding day was clear and crisp and gorgeous, and now autumn itself is sentimental for me. We had originally planned on a nice restaurant too but our wedding grew to about 12 relatives so the picnic became the easier option; if you're sticking to just a party of 6 a restaurant should be easy peasy. We dressed up our picnic exponentially by having special picnic blankets handmade on Etsy, and getting several antique wicker picnic baskets on eBay.

[BlackLovely]

THIS is the important bit. Do what you can to keep the squee, and minimize the stress. You're getting married! Be happy and don't sweat the small stuff...getting rid of stress and potential bridezilla-meltdown syndrome is one of the best reasons to stick with a tiny, personal wedding, IMO.

 

I went through the same process as you, in many ways. I also looked over package B&B weddings, and while some of them seemed quite lovely, I thought they also seemed a bit impersonal, since everything was picked for you. I loved having a casual outdoor wedding in a beautiful, natural setting...but I'd caution you to have a backup location scouted, just in case of bad weather. Since your wedding party is so small you can look for unconventional places and won't even necessarily have to book anything formally.

My wedding was also in the fall so I scouted out a large, sheltered gazebo in a public gardens about 15-20 min from the waterside location we did use, to be our alternate in case of rain. Fortunately our wedding day was clear and crisp and gorgeous, and now autumn itself is sentimental for me. We had originally planned on a nice restaurant too but our wedding grew to about 12 relatives so the picnic became the easier option; if you're sticking to just a party of 6 a restaurant should be easy peasy. We dressed up our picnic exponentially by having special picnic blankets handmade on Etsy, and getting several antique wicker picnic baskets on eBay.

 

A lot of fall weddings here...mine is this October 2nd. Squee for all!!

I chose fall because ever since I've been an adult, I have been romantically involved during the season of color.

 

I agree with this post, especially the part about staying stress free and a small party being easier to accomodate.

 

Enjoy yourself and congratulations.

[Stung]

A lot of fall weddings here...mine is this October 2nd. Squee for all!!

I chose fall because ever since I've been an adult, I have been romantically involved during the season of color.

.

 

Mine was last October 24, because we decided to marry on the anniversary of our first date. So our first anniversary is coming up, but it's also our fifth anniversary of being together. I'm a sentimental fool like that. And I always liked autumn, but now it seems more meaningful to me, the vibrant colors seem to strike a deeper chord. Of course I should mention that my son was also born in the fall, in November, so now my seasonal sentimentality is two-fold.

 

Best of luck to both of you, KikiW and BlackLovely. Autumn brides unite.

[amerikajin]

As I am finding out the hard way, some people can't handle a private wedding, even if you tell them that there's going to be a public reception. I don't know...I think you just have to find a balance between what you and your partner want, and what your most significant family members want.

[misternoname]

I got married a couple of months ago. It was second time around for both of us. We had planned on a family only small wedding but even that would have cost several thousand dollars. Both of us had big expensive weddings the first time around. After much debate we chose to go to the courthouse and get married by the JP. We ended up spending a whopping $75. We took the savings and put it towards a lavish honeymoon (two weeks in Italy). Best decision I've ever made! Let's face it...weddings are for everyone but the bride and groom. Spending two weeks out of the country allowed us to bond even more and created memories that will last a lifetime.

 

Call me a cynic, but weddings are essentially a big waste of money. The trip, on the other hand, was worth every penny.

[Stung]

As I am finding out the hard way, some people can't handle a private wedding, even if you tell them that there's going to be a public reception. I don't know...I think you just have to find a balance between what you and your partner want, and what your most significant family members want.

 

Yeah, we ran into this too. I was amazed by how many people felt it was okay to comment on or try to influence our wedding...I have never really cared about anybody's else's wedding, other than that it made them happy. I don't get it.

 

I got married a couple of months ago. It was second time around for both of us. We had planned on a family only small wedding but even that would have cost several thousand dollars. Both of us had big expensive weddings the first time around. After much debate we chose to go to the courthouse and get married by the JP. We ended up spending a whopping $75. We took the savings and put it towards a lavish honeymoon (two weeks in Italy). Best decision I've ever made! Let's face it...weddings are for everyone but the bride and groom. Spending two weeks out of the country allowed us to bond even more and created memories that will last a lifetime.

 

Call me a cynic, but weddings are essentially a big waste of money. The trip, on the other hand, was worth every penny.

 

I'm with you. We spent most of our money on the rings and renting beautiful cabins for a week for a wedding getaway, and have a bigger honeymoon abroad already saved-for and planned for a couple of years from now, when all kids are old enough to spend a couple of weeks with grandma and grandpa. I think the wedding should be intimate for the couple, and all about building family and memories, embarking on a journey together...I didn't want to look back and remember how stressed out I was, or how I was thinking about place settings/seating arrangements/standing in a receiving line to only get two minutes to talk to all the people individually on my wedding day.

[Eeyore79]

Personally I would like to elope, even though I've never been married before - I just don't want all the fuss. However if I or my spouse had children then they should really be involved, and involving your mothers makes sense from the perspective that the moms can take care of the kids while you and your new spouse have a little time to yourselves.

[aerogurl87]

If my SO and I get married, I'm going to be in a similar predicament as he lives 2000 miles away across the border. I'd say elope on the hush hush, and then plan a nice wedding affair for next year when you have the funds to do so. Just make sure word doesn't get out that you're already legally bound or if you're religiously inclined and word does get out just say you want to get married for a religious significant event to share with family, friends, and in front of God.

[amerikajin]

Yeah, we ran into this too. I was amazed by how many people felt it was okay to comment on or try to influence our wedding...I have never really cared about anybody's else's wedding, other than that it made them happy. I don't get it.

 

In a way, I can understand it. Whether it's right or not, I think a lot of people base their sense of self-worth and their value as your family member (or close friend) based on the degree to which they are allowed to be involved in things like marriages or other special occasions. Maybe it's partly human nature. I don't think they even realize the dynamics that are at play, and to be honest, I don't pretend to know them either. But I sense that's what's happening whenever someone overreacts or pipes up about "you should have done this" or "I can't believe you did that." Christ, for the longest time, I doubted I ever would have been the kind of guy to get married, and now that I'm upon that point in my life, I am completely amazed by how seriously some people take the ceremony of a wedding. I guess I shouldn't be, but I am.

 

I think elopements are indeed an option, particularly when the circumstances make a traditional wedding more difficult. In my case, my partner and I are temporarily living apart, though I frequently return to where she lives/we live, and I am trying to find work there as well. We're on a budget, and like just about everyone else in this crap economy, we're not counting on anything beyond the employment that we now have. Further still, my family and friends are all over the U.S., and hers are overseas. We're not actually ceremony-averse under more normal circumstances, but we're not living within a 100-mile radius of each other.

 

If I had to give advice to anyone considering an elopement, I wouldn't say don't do it, but I would say that you ought to know your friends and family first. Think carefully about how they might react knowing that they weren't consulted. If they have even a pinch of an ego, you can count on a reaction. And offering them a ceremony afterward isn't necessarily going to be a great consolation prize. There is indeed something special and magical about the day of a wedding, and it is deeply ingrained in our culture. People take this shizzle seriously, yo.

 

Having said all that, I think you have to stick to your guns once you and your partner have made a decision. Who even says you have to be married in the first place? Nobody ever debates or seems to give a toss about that issue; it's just the ego trip of being involved in and trying to influence an occasion because they want to be able to say to themselves, and others, that they're important to you, and that they are soooo important to you that they even changed your wedding to suit their tastes.

[allina]

I don't think that 6-10 people and $3,500 is so small and cheap that you need to do something bigger next year. This is about your marriage and sharing it with your closest loved ones. The mindset that this isn't sufficient and that you need more after a year brings the special occasion down imo. I think that you can have a meaningful, stunning wedding with a handful of people for even cheaper than you think. I dislike the idea of a "followup" reception when you have more money to spend.

[Stung]

In a way, I can understand it. Whether it's right or not, I think a lot of people base their sense of self-worth and their value as your family member (or close friend) based on the degree to which they are allowed to be involved in things like marriages or other special occasions. Maybe it's partly human nature. I don't think they even realize the dynamics that are at play, and to be honest, I don't pretend to know them either. But I sense that's what's happening whenever someone overreacts or pipes up about "you should have done this" or "I can't believe you did that." Christ, for the longest time, I doubted I ever would have been the kind of guy to get married, and now that I'm upon that point in my life, I am completely amazed by how seriously some people take the ceremony of a wedding. I guess I shouldn't be, but I am.

 

I think elopements are indeed an option, particularly when the circumstances make a traditional wedding more difficult. In my case, my partner and I are temporarily living apart, though I frequently return to where she lives/we live, and I am trying to find work there as well. We're on a budget, and like just about everyone else in this crap economy, we're not counting on anything beyond the employment that we now have. Further still, my family and friends are all over the U.S., and hers are overseas. We're not actually ceremony-averse under more normal circumstances, but we're not living within a 100-mile radius of each other.

 

If I had to give advice to anyone considering an elopement, I wouldn't say don't do it, but I would say that you ought to know your friends and family first. Think carefully about how they might react knowing that they weren't consulted. If they have even a pinch of an ego, you can count on a reaction. And offering them a ceremony afterward isn't necessarily going to be a great consolation prize. There is indeed something special and magical about the day of a wedding, and it is deeply ingrained in our culture. People take this shizzle seriously, yo.

 

Having said all that, I think you have to stick to your guns once you and your partner have made a decision. Who even says you have to be married in the first place? Nobody ever debates or seems to give a toss about that issue; it's just the ego trip of being involved in and trying to influence an occasion because they want to be able to say to themselves, and others, that they're important to you, and that they are soooo important to you that they even changed your wedding to suit their tastes.

 

Oh, I took my wedding ceremony very, very seriously. I just think of the wedding as ultimately like the marriage, something between two people and the family they create with each other. I thought of my wedding as something symbolic, romantic, and more or less private. I cared about the words we spoke and the love we had, not about walking down an aisle in specific order or holding a bouquet. Of course we didn't go with the elopement because I knew it would hurt our mothers and I would never have excluded our kids because they are, to my eyes, obviously part of the marriage.

 

Maybe I just don't have the gene. For the most part I have been bored to tears by other people's weddings, although I have attended faithfully and bought nice gifts and been sincere in my congratulations. It's the pomp and circumstance I don't care about.

 

I had two best friends, one of whom eloped several years ago and didn't tell me until she got back. I was a little surprised, but ultimately nothing but happy for her. I looked at pictures and squeed with her about the whole thing and took them both out for drinks to celebrate. When I told her about my upcoming wedding and that I was sorry I couldn't invite her, she was thrilled for me and did an elaborate religious ritual to bless my wedding, although I am not of her faith. My other friend married a couple years ago, and I was her maid of honor. She was demanding and ungrateful and an embarrassingly stereotypical bridezilla. I spent a lot of my own money and time, went to her fittings, threw and paid for her bachelorette party, made the flower arrangements for her tables myself, drove up to the site 3 days early with her to make sure everything was going smoothly and to hold her hand when she got cold feet, helped her dress, made the announcements at the wedding with a microphone, guarded her purse all night, paid off the vendors at the end of the night, and got no thanks for any of it but ended up getting a face full of sh*t when I told her I was going to have a very small family-only wedding myself. I have one best friend now, guess which one it is?

 

Anyway, as you said, you do have to stick to your guns. An elopement wouldn't work for us so we compromised by having the small immediate-family wedding, and it was romantic and intimate and affordable and mostly what we wanted. It kept our close families happy and in the loop. It still didn't make everyone happy, but maybe I learned something about my friend I'd been trying to avoid really looking at for some time, and came out the better for finally acknowledging. I am content knowing that I have fond stress-free memories of my wedding day and didn't get pushed into some overblown hoopla I didn't want and didn't want to pay for just to gratify one person who wasn't a very good friend anyway.

Edited August 13, 2010 by Stung

[amerikajin]

Maybe I just don't have the gene. For the most part I have been bored to tears by other people's weddings, although I have attended faithfully and bought nice gifts and been sincere in my congratulations. It's the pomp and circumstance I don't care about.

 

It's funny. I actually tend to enjoy other people's weddings, big or small. I think it's great when people have a big wedding and everyone gets along and it becomes one big party. I think it represents who they are, and I can appreciate it.

 

The worst is the situation you described with your friend. I mean, how can someone let what is supposed to be the happiest occasion for a couple become a time of major divisiveness? Whether the married couple is instigating the hostility or the families, I think people too often get wrapped up in sentiment, tradition, and ego, and they fail to see what's really important.

 

Anyway, as you said, you do have to stick to your guns. An elopement wouldn't work for us so we compromised by having the small immediate-family wedding, and it was romantic and intimate and affordable and mostly what we wanted.

 

Congrats to you!

 

Yeah, that's what I figure too. I told my mother's side of the family about two weeks ago and they're still in shock. I am trying to understand them and trying to see where I missed a step. Ultimately, though, I have to keep my new family happy - that's the most important thing to me. I have sometimes wondered if maybe not telling my family about the actual wedding would have been better, but I couldn't lie to them like that. I figured the reception would be enough, but they're still having a hard time dealing with all of this. I can see where they're coming from to a point. There are a lot of unusual circumstances in our case and I suspect they're dubious about what's happening. I'm hoping time will let some of these wounds heal.

[KikiW]

Well, we've definitely settled on a our mothers and our daughters being there, but we may open it up to a couple more people. Fiance has a brother - whether he would make the trip is debatable, but I think he would be hurt if not actually invited. I have a half sister and a step sister but am not close to either. I do not have any girl friends I really want to be there - a couple have shown their true (ugly) colors in the past couple of years (and will be gossiping the minute they find out we've gotten married), others have drifted or become more focused in their own lives.

 

I guess the big debate is whether we aim to please ourselves or aim to please others....

[amerikajin]

Well, we've definitely settled on a our mothers and our daughters being there, but we may open it up to a couple more people. Fiance has a brother - whether he would make the trip is debatable, but I think he would be hurt if not actually invited. I have a half sister and a step sister but am not close to either. I do not have any girl friends I really want to be there - a couple have shown their true (ugly) colors in the past couple of years (and will be gossiping the minute they find out we've gotten married), others have drifted or become more focused in their own lives.

 

I guess the big debate is whether we aim to please ourselves or aim to please others....

 

It's a balance. Please yourselves first, and try to balance that by pleasing the really important people in your lives a close second. Some of the people you don't invite won't really matter - let them get upset. But you don't want your mother or really close relatives upset. I'm speaking from very direct and recent experience on this one.

 

The really hard part is how to treat the people who aren't necessarily your immediate family but are still close enough to be considered true friends or good family (i.e. a best friend or aunt). Maybe bounce some ideas around with the family you're inviting and see if there are post-wedding arrangements that can be made to help make them feel included.

[Stung]

There are a lot of unusual circumstances in our case and I suspect they're dubious about what's happening. I'm hoping time will let some of these wounds heal.

 

Obviously I don't know what your circumstances are, and I admit while I don't care about weddings in general I would want to be there for my kids' weddings...but I would also get over and try to not take it personally, remembering how I myself wanted to elope. I'm sure your family will come to understand your decisions if you remain open about the whole thing with them. Good luck.

 

Well, we've definitely settled on a our mothers and our daughters being there, but we may open it up to a couple more people. Fiance has a brother - whether he would make the trip is debatable, but I think he would be hurt if not actually invited. I have a half sister and a step sister but am not close to either. I do not have any girl friends I really want to be there - a couple have shown their true (ugly) colors in the past couple of years (and will be gossiping the minute they find out we've gotten married), others have drifted or become more focused in their own lives.

 

I guess the big debate is whether we aim to please ourselves or aim to please others....

 

Like Amerikaijin said, all you can do is strive for balance. We initially thought to have just the kids and grandparents there, and ended up also having a couple of cousins and my husband's sisters, but it was still a very small and manageable affair. If we had included everyone who might have wanted to come or everyone we might have felt some social kinship/obligation to, we would have had to have a 150+ person guest list. Some people were disappointed, unfortunately, but I would have hated having a big wedding and been really stressed by planning it, not to mention paying for that kind of thing.

[mrszeus]

Congratulations on deciding to get married!

 

I recently got married (5 weeks ago, to be exact). We only had two other couples present at the ceremony, our closest friends, because all our relatives and family live in Europe.

 

Since we already planned an "official" wedding with our parents next year, we decided not to tell them about this wedding, as it was just for us.

 

I feel a little bit guilty about not telling them, however, they will be at our "official" wedding next year, so I don't think about it too much.

 

I'm not really sure whether you decided to elope, have a small wedding or something third, but I see no issues in doing what we did Have a secret wedding for just the two of you, until you have enough money for the "real" ceremony - we have to pay for 6 airplane tickets, which alone will be a little over $6000. Ouch!

 

Once again, congrats!

[amerikajin]

I feel a little bit guilty about not telling them, however, they will be at our "official" wedding next year, so I don't think about it too much.

 

Trust me, don't feel guilty. Keep it a secret. I felt the same way you did, that I wanted to be honest and tell them the truth. We could have kept it a secret that we were planning on getting married and having a real celebration later, and now I wish I wouldn't have told my family anything. You could have the best intentions in the world, but this is one of those situations in which appearances matter a lot. Your family may be okay with it, but if they're not then you're going to have a lot of explaining to do, and the truth is, your explanations may not mean much, because feelings may get hurt and that's all that matters.

[NancyBotwin]

I am a HUGE believer in eloping! It's fun, it's easy, and cheap and.... practically stress free compared to a whole wedding.

[sarah123]

Hi,

Elope...Elope...

Not a bad idea :bunny:

 

 

 

Regards,

sarah123