18 year marriage

[nikshar]

I married 18 yrs ago shortly after my 19th birthday. I wanted to have a successful marriage. I had an abusive mom and my dad was basically nonexistent. So I put every effort into my marriage and family. I ran my husband's bath water, fixed his plate, ironed his clothes, etc... The children were always well taken care of. I never missed a school or church function (sunday school teacher). I loved being a stay at home mom and cooked & cleaned / ran the household to the best of my ability each day always giving 100%.

 

My husband was a great provider financially but emotionally unavailable most of the time. Also he is in the military and the son of a pastor (not sure if that makes a difference). If we had a disagreement he would stop speaking to me for months at a time. He would complain that I cooked one thing instead of another. If I didn't clean a certain area of the house he would question me on why. He complained that I didn't fold his shirts correctly. I felt micro managed constantly and like I was never good enough for him.

 

Eventually I didn't find joy in being a stay at home mom anymore and decided to work outside the home. Even though I loved working outside the home, The marriage became worse. He would get angry with me and then act very mean towards the children. They would be afraid to ask him anything or approach him and come to me instead. Once at a routine eye exam I decided to get contacts (clear) and he got furious that I didn't discuss it with him. If I became close friends with some one he always complained and made me feel guilty. Also he would make the people feel uncomfortable. He never once in 18years has had a friend during our marriage. He rarely went to church with us but on one occasion when he did, he accused a man of staring at me and tried to fight him. He then proceeded to tell me I was dressing to seduce other men in church and that I hugged other men inappropriately.

 

Over the years we have went to approximately 5 marriage counselers. He would go to the sessions but not participate. Each couselor becoming frustrated telling me he would most likely not change and that I needed to consider doing things to make my life a joyful one. He would say they were biased towards me and not qualified to judge him. Our sex life was difficult as well. If i came on to him, he wouldn't respond. We only had sex when he initiated it. And then about 1 1/2 year ago he stopped sleeping in the bed with me. he would come to bed once every month or 2 just to have sex and he wouldn't initiate foreplay or anything (just a quickie). I tried talking to him about it and he just said nothing was wrong. But I felt like I was undesirable. I began to have terrible migraines and slipped into a deep depression.

We began to argue everyday and weekends were the worst. Even though i tried to stay in the room he would come in the room to provoke me and demean me. Police were called twice. Fights had turned physical. I felt like a terrible person and mom. Finally I was so overwhelmed I started getting on facebook to have friends that he couldn't influence. He was furious. I started going out of town every friday after work and coming back on Sunday night.

 

Once while out of town I was with my high school sweetheart and alot of inappropriate things took place. Well my husband found out and he changed alot of his ways except he is still very controlling. But I still cry every day and I feel very sad. My husband told our chidren that I cheated on him. The two teenaged children became very disrespectful towards me (This was completely out of character). I don't know what is wrong with me but I just feel like I am never going to be happy and I can't get past all those years of abuse.

Edited August 10, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sure]

You want to leave.

And thats ok. Do you want to talk about getting out?

[nikshar]

I feel like I will be letting my children down.

[nikshar]

When I first read your response, I immediately started crying. This situation is so painful.

[LSNoob]

Seriously that is bad. You have a lousy husband. Please leave him its unfair to you. Your kids will one day grow up and understand their father's abuse. Wish you best of luck.

[piscis]

I am sorry you are going for all this.

IMO this is just going to be worst every time (it has being worst over the years right?)

The only way of doing something differently is by leaving.

I am sure there must be a 01-800 number you can call for advice (legal, moral, any kind of advice is fine).

Keep posting you will find lots of ideas and support in this site.

If you can go to therapy that willbe great.

Please take care of yourself that will be the only way you can take care of your children.

Hugs

[Bitterman24/7]

I married 18 yrs ago shortly after my 19th birthday. I wanted to have a successful marriage. I had an abusive mom and my dad was basically nonexistent. So I put every effort into my marriage and family. I ran my husband's bath water, fixed his plate, ironed his clothes, etc... The children were always well taken care of. I never missed a school or church function (sunday school teacher). I loved being a stay at home mom and cooked & cleaned / ran the household to the best of my ability each day always giving 100%.

My husband was a great provider financially but emotionally unavailable most of the time. Also he is in the military and the son of a pastor (not sure if that makes a difference). If we had a disagreement he would stop speaking to me for months at a time. He would complain that I cooked one thing instead of another. If I didn't clean a certain area of the house he would question me on why. He complained that I didn't fold his shirts correctly. I felt micro managed constantly and like I was never good enough for him.

Eventually I didn't find joy in being a stay at home mom anymore and decided to work outside the home. Even though I loved working outside the home, The marriage became worse. He would get angry with me and then act very mean towards the children. They would be afraid to ask him anything or approach him and come to me instead. Once at a routine eye exam I decided to get contacts (clear) and he got furious that I didn't discuss it with him. If I became close friends with some one he always complained and made me feel guilty. Also he would make the people feel uncomfortable. He never once in 18years has had a friend during our marriage. He rarely went to church with us but on one occasion when he did, he accused a man of staring at me and tried to fight him. He then proceeded to tell me I was dressing to seduce other men in church and that I hugged other men inappropriately.

Over the years we have went to approximately 5 marriage counselers. He would go to the sessions but not participate. Each couselor becoming frustrated telling me he would most likely not change and that I needed to consider doing things to make my life a joyful one. He would say they were biased towards me and not qualified to judge him. Our sex life was difficult as well. If i came on to him, he wouldn't respond. We only had sex when he initiated it. And then about 1 1/2 year ago he stopped sleeping in the bed with me. he would come to bed once every month or 2 just to have sex and he wouldn't initiate foreplay or anything (just a quickie). I tried talking to him about it and he just said nothing was wrong. But I felt like I was undesirable. I began to have terrible migraines and slipped into a deep depression.

We began to argue everyday and weekends were the worst. Even though i tried to stay in the room he would come in the room to provoke me and demean me. Police were called twice. Fights had turned physical. I felt like a terrible person and mom. Finally I was so overwhelmed I started getting on facebook to have friends that he couldn't influence. He was furious. I started going out of town every friday after work and coming back on Sunday night.

Once while out of town I was with my high school sweetheart and alot of inappropriate things took place. Well my husband found out and he changed alot of his ways except he is still very controlling. But I still cry every day and I feel very sad. My husband told our chidren that I cheated on him. The two teenaged children became very disrespectful towards me (This was completely out of character). I don't know what is wrong with me but I just feel like I am never going to be happy and I can't get past all those years of abuse.

 

After every negative you outlined about him, this still doesn't give you the right to cheat on him, and i'm sure before all of this cheating you weren't so innocent either. If the guy was an idiot before your affairs, then you should've divorced him, not stayed in the marriage for dumbass reasons.

 

Of course your children are going to show some resistance and disrespect because their mother is cheating on their father.

[xpaperxcutx]

After every negative you outlined about him, this still doesn't give you the right to cheat on him, and i'm sure before all of this cheating you weren't so innocent either. If the guy was an idiot before your affairs, then you should've divorced him, not stayed in the marriage for dumbass reasons.

 

Of course your children are going to show some resistance and disrespect because their mother is cheating on their father.

 

Right, but she was pushed to cheating. I think in her situation, the husband's behaviour constituted her seeking comfort from someone else. And honestly at this point, I doubt the husband deserves a wife like the Op. Afterall, she's at the point where she wants a divorce.

[hopesndreams]

Right, but she was pushed to cheating. I think in her situation, the husband's behaviour constituted her seeking comfort from someone else. And honestly at this point, I doubt the husband deserves a wife like the Op. Afterall, she's at the point where she wants a divorce.

 

Would have to disagree. No one is pushed into cheating. Were you being sarcastic?

 

Whatever happened to self-reliance? It must be a thing of the past.

 

Why is it that those that are unhappy in their R's, seek out another for fulfillment or a way to get out of a bad R?

 

Why can't someone see themselves as a separate entity, responsible for their own happiness, when they are being abused? Hey, that's where therapy comes in or some psychiatric help because years of abuse will make one go cuckoo.

 

OP, step back. If you have already crossed the line and you are done with your M, then leave. It really is that simple.

[LSNoob]

Nope. Good on you OP for having a good night. The husband is a kunt and he deserved it.

 

Hey, that's where therapy comes in or some psychiatric help because years of abuse will make one go cuckoo.

 

She went to MC for 5 f***ing times. And all the times husband acted like a t*at and refused to fix the marriage. When OP was enjoying that night, with her HS sweetheart, she wasn't cheating. Because she wasn't married. Sorry but I don't believe marriage just signing a stupid paper.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone should cheat. But in OP's case, she cheated on a scumbag husband, so not that of a big deal really. Should get a divorce now and will finds her a man she deserves and enjoys her life. Hope husband will have pain and nightmares about this affair for all this abusive years he gave his poor wife.

[nddb]

Not commenting about things between you & your husband.

 

But your letting your husband create that monster atmosphere at home has to be a bad thing for your children. They have a screwed up sense of what a healthy relationship should be.

 

I'm sure if you ask them, they would have rather you guys divorced years ago so they don't have to live through the equivalent of an emotional Stalingrad through those years when the two of you grind at one another.

 

May be it's time to cut the losses. For the kids' sake. They'll understand one day.

 

Just another perspective.

[hopesndreams]

Nope. Good on you OP for having a good night. The husband is a kunt and he deserved it.

 

 

 

She went to MC for 5 f***ing times. And all the times husband acted like a t*at and refused to fix the marriage. When OP was enjoying that night, with her HS sweetheart, she wasn't cheating. Because she wasn't married. Sorry but I don't believe marriage just signing a stupid paper.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone should cheat. But in OP's case, she cheated on a scumbag husband, so not that of a big deal really. Should get a divorce now and will finds her a man she deserves and enjoys her life. Hope husband will have pain and nightmares about this affair for all this abusive years he gave his poor wife.

 

Whoa, that is a scary attitude!

[LSNoob]

Sorry, but I just don't care about the husband. Can't help it, but he's a complete a**hole.

 

Sorry again.

[hopesndreams]

Sorry, but I just don't care about the husband. Can't help it, but he's a complete a**hole.

 

Sorry again.

 

Of course he's an ahole. That's undisputed. Does that give OP permission to be an ahole in return? Absolutely not.

[lovefromgirl]

I married 18 yrs ago shortly after my 19th birthday. I wanted to have a successful marriage.

 

Oh, honey. You got married before you knew who you were, let alone knew who you could be as a partner to someone else. I realise you were probably eager to escape a terrible situation, but that doesn't make it any less sad. *big hugs* Women should have more choices than that.

 

You have had a time of it, haven't you? I think eighteen years is long enough to see his true colours. I give him a year, tops, before he goes back to hurting you -- if you stay. But you have options now. You've worked outside the home; you're probably capable of supporting yourself and your children. I would therefore suggest you leave him. You're young yet, so there's time to sock away money for retirement and possibly even marry again.

 

You don't deserve to endure this for the rest of a very long human lifespan.

[Bitterman24/7]

Right, but she was pushed to cheating. I think in her situation, the husband's behaviour constituted her seeking comfort from someone else. And honestly at this point, I doubt the husband deserves a wife like the Op. Afterall, she's at the point where she wants a divorce.

 

I call it like I see it, and this is a fact: there is no excuse for cheating. Besides, she was not pushed into cheating. Like I said earlier if the marriage was bad to begin with, then she should've divorced instead of staying. You don't have an exit affair then decide you want to divorce. That's cowardly.

[Bitterman24/7]

[/b][/b]Oh, honey. You got married before you knew who you were, let alone knew who you could be as a partner to someone else. I realise you were probably eager to escape a terrible situation, but that doesn't make it any less sad. *big hugs* Women should have more choices than that.

 

You have had a time of it, haven't you? I think eighteen years is long enough to see his true colours. I give him a year, tops, before he goes back to hurting you -- if you stay. But you have options now. You've worked outside the home; you're probably capable of supporting yourself and your children. I would therefore suggest you leave him. You're young yet, so there's time to sock away money for retirement and possibly even marry again.

 

You don't deserve to endure this for the rest of a very long human lifespan.

 

Oh please, if you are old enough to get married, then you are old enough to make decisions on your own. No matter what her past was like she should've kept her eyes opened before marrying some abusive cretin. She knew what she was doing before and now. Just because she was young when she got married doesn't excuse her actions, and her failure to evaluate and solve the issues at hand. Of course she probably doesn't deserve it, but cheating will only make matters worse.

[2.50 a gallon]

I never went to boot camp, but from first had experiences of friends and relatives who did I think I have pretty good perspective.

 

My GF story is quite similar nikshur's, married age 17 to get out the house from very religious parents, married a 20 year military man, who turned abusive in a similar fashion.

 

In boot camp the idea is to break the person's old image of themselves and then to rebuild and remold it into the military way of life. And that is exactly what happened to my GF. She totally lost her identity. Her position in life was to say "yes sir" to all of his decisions.

 

Her awakening was when her XH attacked their daughter with a butcher knife. That was over 20 years ago.

 

We have been together for 15 years, and in some ways she still hasn't totally shaken her old ways. As an example, she sometimes has difficulty in deciding what she wants to do. She almost always differs to me, when I ask her what she wants to do.

 

It is almost always, "I don't care, what do you want to do?"

 

She still has to work, I am retired, so to ease her burden I do most of the cooking. A couple of years back I finally was able to get her to tell me that a couple of the dishes that I liked she disliked, She would just go ahead and eat what ever I cooked, whether she liked it or not. I have finally learned to discuss our future meals, and get her input, but it took years. She would even go so far as to not tell me that her stomach was upset / acidic and let me cook Mexican food or spaghetti, which would only inflame a bad condition. Yes she was at the point of almost having ulcers.

 

I myself do not like cheaters, but in this instance I can see how this might have been something that she had to do to break free of the mold.

 

Think of it this way, she has spent 18 years living in boot camp

 

In short, it is another situation of not criticizing until you have walked a mile in her shoes.

Edited August 11, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[Bitterman24/7]

I never went to boot camp, but from first had experiences of friends and relatives who did I think I have pretty good perspective.

 

My GF story is quite similar nikshur's, married age 17 to get out the house from very religious parents, married a 20 year military man, who turned abusive in a similar fashion.

 

In boot camp the idea is to break the person's old image of themselves and then to rebuild and remold it into the military way of life. And that is exactly what happened to my GF. She totally lost her identity. Her position in life was to say "yes sir" to all of his decisions.

 

Her awakening was when her XH attacked their daughter with a butcher knife. That was over 20 years ago.

 

We have been together for 15 years, and in some ways she still hasn't totally shaken her old ways. As an example, she sometimes has difficulty in deciding what she wants to do. She almost always differs to me, when I ask her what she wants to do.

 

It is almost always, "I don't care, what do you want to do?"

 

She still has to work, I am retired, so to ease her burden I do most of the cooking. A couple of years back I finally was able to get her to tell me that a couple of the dishes that I liked she disliked, She would just go ahead and eat what ever I cooked, whether she liked it or not. I have finally learned to discuss our future meals, and get her input, but it took years. She would even go so far as to not tell me that her stomach was upset / acidic and let me cook Mexican food or spaghetti, which would only inflame a bad condition. Yes she was at the point of almost having ulcers.

 

I myself do not like cheaters, but in this instance I can see how this might have been something that she had to do to break free of the mold.

 

Think of it this way, she has spent 18 years living in boot camp

 

In short, it is another situation of not criticizing until you have walked a mile in her shoes.

 

Good analogy. But cheating only makes matters worse.

[LSNoob]

Of course he's an ahole. That's undisputed. Does that give OP permission to be an ahole in return? Absolutely not.

 

The OP wasn't being an a**hole. She was getting what she DESERVES. To me, marrying that loser is cheating. She been cheating herself for 18years.

 

You GOOO OP, hope you divorce that scumbag loser of a husband you have. And then you go marry the man you deserve. And for your idiot husband... meh who cares.

[Bitterman24/7]

The OP wasn't being an a**hole. She was getting what she DESERVES. To me, marrying that loser is cheating. She been cheating herself for 18years.

 

You GOOO OP, hope you divorce that scumbag loser of a husband you have. And then you go marry the man you deserve. And for your idiot husband... meh who cares.

 

Total bullshiitt. The op was being an ******* for cheating. If she came on here stating that she never cheating, and is in an abusive marriage, then she would be in the safe zone. But now, she only makes matters worse.

 

She was getting what she deserves?:lmao: Yea, you got that right, she IS getting what she DESERVES after that little stunt she pulled. HTF is marrying someone cheating? You damn right she has been cheating herself for almost 20 years and its her own fault. She is responsible for her own happiness. She should've divorced the ******* if the marriage was that bad.

[LSNoob]

Good analogy. But cheating only makes matters worse.

 

Trust me, it can't possibly become more worst than it is prior to cheating. Impossible. The only good thing that comes out of this "cheating" is a one-way ticket out from hell.

 

Cheating is a deal breaker.

We also have to agree that the husband's abuse is a deal breaker as well.

Therefore when husband started his abuse 18years ago, this means that the marriage was broken 18 years ago. So this leads to the conclusion that the OP's affair WAS NOT cheating. But rather a small present (ticket out) for her. For being a good wife and never hurting her a**hole, d**khead loser husband.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Did you even think that the OP is rewriting the marital history to garner your support? LSnoob, alot of waywards will lie about their spouse to play the victim. if this man was abusive for 18 YEARS! why she stay so long? Why didnt she leave right when it started.

 

I dont buy it...

[LSNoob]

Maybe it wasn't so easy for her to get a divorce. Maybe she kept hoping (you know the fact that most women always tend to stay in R/M and "hope" for a change , I know it's easy for a guy to walk out, but women are more patient) for her d**khead husband to change his a**hole attitude. She stayed for the kids' sake. Maybe she values her marriage/relationship more than you value yours. Just because it is this easy for you to get a divorce, that doesn't mean it's easy for everyone.

[LSNoob]

Ohhhhhhh So now you starting to assume that the OP is lying. Ok Ok if OP is lying and her husband is an angel , then of course I will apologize to the husband and the OP is all at fault.

 

But sorry I didn't assume OP was lying and I just believed in what she wrote. Because abusive relationships/marriages DO exist and not something new.

 

You ever thought you guys are maybe responding with hate towards the person that cheated on you?? I'm not saying you deserve get cheated on. But don't generalize all cheaters the same.