Never going to be the one..PAINFUL

[9Lives]

I am looking for real heart felt advice. Please no bashing. I am so low at this time. I could literally kill myself. I really just need help.

 

I need you all like never before cause I GOT TO get over this man.

 

I started dating him 5 years ago and when I met him he was a mm. He told me that he was leaving and even showed me divorce papers. He took me everywhere and had me meeting his parents and the next thing you know, I was in love and ready for our lives to go on together.

 

after about almost 2 years, the relationship started to take its toll on me and I was starting to become a emotional wreck. Up and down the rollercoaster ride. I didnt deal with it very good. He said I wasnt handling things well and that he was losing love over the bullst.

 

About the 3 year he moved out and he was having a hard time with it. he was seeing me but he still was unsure about what he was doing with the home life for real. After that 3rd year he told me we should start seeing other people. I didnt want to. I couldnt let go. I had been trying to handle this all but I was struggling. we would talk about things then I would have a emotional burst out.

 

The 4th year he start seeing some chic..not serious but often. Him and I were seeing each other that much. We were up and down alot. That made room for the other relationship to grow.

 

Anyway, this year in March we had a very big blow out fight and he ended it for good. I had see a pic of him on her fb page and went off on him. The bad part was that he was starting to reach out to me and call me more and have me around his parents before I did that. We were kinda working it out.

 

Well after that big fall out, he pulled her all the way in. I dont think he was too into her at that time. Well, in June we started talking again. I was the one who wanted get him back in my life. I feel like it is my fault we fell out for good at that time.

 

anyway, since June we have been talking. I told him I dont want him out my life and I want him back. He calls me and talks to me but he still has his gf.

 

I know you guys think I am STUPID STUPID STUPID. But guys, I cant let him go and now I want to but he is so deep in my heart that I cant.

 

I stood by this man while he was married. I am sorry I didnt handle it well. I tried but it was alot to deal with. Then we break up, he gets another chic and I still want him back.

 

Its like everything I been waiting for, he is giving to her. He went to his family reunion this past weekend and took her. She is friends with his family and friends and Im back on the outside looking in again. He doesnt know that I know he took her with him but I know. This is killing me.

 

We talked today and I acted like I was all cool but the whole weekend I have been crying crying crying. I dont have the strength to tell him to get out of my life especially when I told him to come back in but at the same time guys, I am so hurt and distraught.

 

Please help me! I have to figure out how to deal with this. I know I deserve better but Im still very much inlove with him. Please help me!!

[skywriter]

Hi 9lives,

 

From what I am reading in your post, you've given more of yourself to someone than you can afford to lose.

 

If you really want this mans respect then you need to get on with your life as he seems to do without you.

 

You should not have to work so hard for someone as it sounds like you've had to do where this man is concerned. Make him work for you a bit.

 

Don't contact him, make him do the wondering, if he calls tell him how happy you are, never say, I've been hoping you'd call, or I miss you.

 

Sounds as if he's sure you'll be there at his bec' and call and that isn't working to well in your favor.

 

Then again, maybe you are better off without him all together. Time will tell.

[2sure]

Sweetie, oh crap. I wish I could help you. Your heart is broken. Worse...its been broken so many times throughout the course of this relationship that broken is its natural state.

 

YOU have done nothing wrong to drive him away or change the relationship. Your emotional turmoil and upset has always been a natural reaction, a defense , when you are faced with circumstances you should not be asked to deal with.

 

He may do the same to the new girl what he did to you, what he did to his wife. Either way, his future is not with you. Your future is not with him. You arent going to get over it or over him until there is no contact whatsoever. Burn the Bridge.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh dear. You're hanging on because you've made a big investment and you want your pay-off.

 

The thing is, it seems like there is no pay-off. Not only that but you're going to get more grief if you hang around.

 

It's a question of being relieved that you got out now and didn't waste ANOTHER 5 years. I know it's so hard to do... I know. I did it for 8 years and each year 'in' made it doubly hard to get 'out'.

 

Do you really want to be here, on this board in 5 years time, writing about the latest bust-up and the latest woman in his life? Think about it, imagine all those lost moments; all that anguish and worry and panic and hurt. Do you want to notch up 5 more years of that out of 'loyalty'? Betcha don't. ((hugs))

[9Lives]

Hi 9lives,

 

From what I am reading in your post, you've given more of yourself to someone than you can afford to lose.

 

If you really want this mans respect then you need to get on with your life as he seems to do without you.

 

You should not have to work so hard for someone as it sounds like you've had to do where this man is concerned. Make him work for you a bit.

 

Don't contact him, make him do the wondering, if he calls tell him how happy you are, never say, I've been hoping you'd call, or I miss you.

 

Sounds as if he's sure you'll be there at his bec' and call and that isn't working to well in your favor.

 

Then again, maybe you are better off without him all together. Time will tell.

 

(crying). I have extended myself to exhaustion sometimes. I cant do it anymore. I have not said anything to him whatsoever but I am dying inside cause everything that I wanted and waited for, he is giving her. Now I am just taking crumbs trying to win again and I cant do it anymore but I cant seem to just let this go. Im so messed up inside. I dont know what to do.

[9Lives]

Oh dear. You're hanging on because you've made a big investment and you want your pay-off.

 

The thing is, it seems like there is no pay-off. Not only that but you're going to get more grief if you hang around.

 

It's a question of being relieved that you got out now and didn't waste ANOTHER 5 years. I know it's so hard to do... I know. I did it for 8 years and each year 'in' made it doubly hard to get 'out'.

 

Do you really want to be here, on this board in 5 years time, writing about the latest bust-up and the latest woman in his life? Think about it, imagine all those lost moments; all that anguish and worry and panic and hurt. Do you want to notch up 5 more years of that out of 'loyalty'? Betcha don't. ((hugs))

 

Silly girl, yes I want the pay off. I waited and did everything I could possibly do. I never wanted to be the ow in the first place but I trusted and believed in him and what we were doing. Now he is giving it to her! It is eating me up inside and I struggle with it. I went on facebook and saw her hugging his kids on her page. I feel like damm why did you give her what was mines.

[TigerCub]

So sorry you're going through this sweetie. **HUGS***

I know its not what you want to hear, but you do need to cut him off.

It will hurt (I'm going through that loss now), and I haven't made as much of an investment as you have. And it does hurt!

but the way I see it, is that its better to go through the pain now and move on, than to keep reliving bits & pieces of the pain for a much much longer time.

 

We all try NC and then we miss them and cave, and we end up talking.

I've done that plenty of times.

 

My last resort was to write him a letter explaining the grief all this is putting me through and I said "If you love me like you say you do, you'd want me to find the happiness and love that you're unable to give me, so please be the stronger one, and if I call you or email/text you, whatever, I need you to be the one to push me away"

 

so far its kind of working. I dont contact him because he probably wont reply (maybe he would, but I tell myself he wont, so I dont do it). I admit it puts it all on him, but if that's what I need to do to move on at this point (because he can't give me what I want), then so be it.

 

Maybe you should try the same approach.

 

Hang in there!!!

The sooner you cut him off, the sooner you can deal with the loss/pain and hopefully get past it & find something much much better and way more fulfilling.

 

Lots of luv!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Silly girl, yes I want the pay off. I waited and did everything I could possibly do. I never wanted to be the ow in the first place but I trusted and believed in him and what we were doing. Now he is giving it to her! It is eating me up inside and I struggle with it. I went on facebook and saw her hugging his kids on her page. I feel like damm why did you give her what was mines.

 

 

You may feel that way...but honestly nothing was yours. You know we all at some point or another find ourselves in positions that we didn't intend (they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions) to be in, but in order to heal we have to take full responsibility for the choices and actions that were used to get us in that situation. You need to look in the mirror and ask yourself why are you in this situation, what were the things I ovelooked, what standards did I lay down to be here. Then figure out where you want to be and find the steps to get there.

 

You may not be able to see what is the best route for you at this point, but it is no shame in getting outside help in finding that path.

[9Lives]

So sorry you're going through this sweetie. **HUGS***

I know its not what you want to hear, but you do need to cut him off.

It will hurt (I'm going through that loss now), and I haven't made as much of an investment as you have. And it does hurt!

but the way I see it, is that its better to go through the pain now and move on, than to keep reliving bits & pieces of the pain for a much much longer time.

 

We all try NC and then we miss them and cave, and we end up talking.

I've done that plenty of times.

 

My last resort was to write him a letter explaining the grief all this is putting me through and I said "If you love me like you say you do, you'd want me to find the happiness and love that you're unable to give me, so please be the stronger one, and if I call you or email/text you, whatever, I need you to be the one to push me away"

 

so far its kind of working. I dont contact him because he probably wont reply (maybe he would, but I tell myself he wont, so I dont do it). I admit it puts it all on him, but if that's what I need to do to move on at this point (because he can't give me what I want), then so be it.

 

Maybe you should try the same approach.

 

Hang in there!!!

The sooner you cut him off, the sooner you can deal with the loss/pain and hopefully get past it & find something much much better and way more fulfilling.

 

Lots of luv!!!

 

Thank you for your input. I have to figure out what works for me cause I am so miserable and I need to get on with my own life. I dont want to be the ow. I dont want to come behind another chic. I dont want alot of things that I am puttin up with. I just dont have the strength to do something different for myself.

 

I think I am going to let him know that I know he took her with him and that I cant deal with all this anymore. I can also try what you said by asking him not to take my calls or anything. Cause the only reason I would be reaching out is because I miss him or whatever. Not because I want to be in this place I am with him. I need to get to the other side of this cause it best for me. I just wish I wasnt so caught up.

[skywriter]

(((9lives))),

 

This man is sucking the life out of you!! The wonderful parts of you that you should've been sharing with a much more worthy gentleman.

 

I say this as a woman whose been down this road.

 

9lives, have you given yourself the opportunity to go out with other men and maybe be treated like number 1? If not, maybe you could consider it. It feels good. It'll help you to pick yourself up.

 

At the very least, go out with your friends and live! This man is obviously all about himself. I'm going on assumption, but from what you've written, he's the type to take more than he's willing to give.

 

Wow, sometimes, I think us women ,really need to be careful what we wish for. He may be saving you a whole lot of heartache in the future 9 lives.

 

You told sillygirl you never wanted to be his OW in the first place. Don't be! He's asking you to settle for less, don't continue to accept less.

 

It's hard at first to take a stand, but as you make it through each day it gets easier. If you can't break it off completely just break it off gradually. First and foremost, never ever initiate the contact!!! It's hard, but you can do it!

 

If he ask you to call, say no, if you want to talk you call. If you feel strong enough, go complete NO CONTACT! This is the goal you are striving for anyway.

 

9lives, if he's worth it, then he'll make himself worthy of it. You gotta love you, before you can be loved properly.

[9Lives]

so should I tell him I know that he took her to the family reunion this weekend or just leave it it alone? I kinda wanted to say something. Not all emotional or anything but let him know I know and it really hurts me.

[TigerCub]

Thank you for your input. I have to figure out what works for me cause I am so miserable and I need to get on with my own life.

 

You're very welcome

Definitely, you need to figure out what's best for you and you'll only be able to do it when you are ready (ie. when you've had absolutely enough!!!)

 

I dont want to be the ow. I dont want to come behind another chic. I dont want alot of things that I am puttin up with. I just dont have the strength to do something different for myself.

 

I hear ya! - I dont think anyone plans on being the OW/OM. It F***s with the mind. For me at least, it brought up a lot of issues. It screws with one's self esteem and all that.

I know you want something better for yourself. You do deserve much better, and I hope you find the strength to do what's best for you.

 

I think I am going to let him know that I know he took her with him and that I cant deal with all this anymore. I can also try what you said by asking him not to take my calls or anything. Cause the only reason I would be reaching out is because I miss him or whatever. Not because I want to be in this place I am with him. I need to get to the other side of this cause it best for me. I just wish I wasnt so caught up.

 

It is hard to try to find a way out of such a dark maze. Its insane how our emotions can outweigh all that we logically know.

Best of luck!!

[skywriter]

If he initiates the contact with you, tell him whatever is on your mind. If not, then I would suggest you carry on with your life as if you are unaffected by him.

 

If he gets the impression that you are heartbroken and waiting for him, it'll get worse. You don't need to put yourself through that.

[9Lives]

Have you ever given your ALL to someone THEN watch them give it o someone else what you waited for years to have?

 

this is what I want to say to him. What do I have to lose?

[TigerCub]

so should I tell him I know that he took her to the family reunion this weekend or just leave it it alone? I kinda wanted to say something. Not all emotional or anything but let him know I know and it really hurts me.

 

That one, I really dont know what to tell ya.

If it was me, I probably wouldn't say it if I was going to do NC, because admitting that what he did caused hurt feelings doesn't really change the fact that he did it.

He is with this new girl and he knows its hurting your feelings, he's just not doing anything about it.

 

If you want to tell him, to at least express yourself, do so, I personally don't think that it will change anything.

 

sorry...

[9Lives]

You're very welcome

 

 

 

 

It is hard to try to find a way out of such a dark maze. Its insane how our emotions can outweigh all that we logically know.

Best of luck!!

 

ONLY the woman on this forum have a clue the hurt, pain, and anguish you suffer in these types of situations. Thank so much.

 

I am in a deep hole and I cant get out. I am so deep. I dont even understand it myself.

[skywriter]

Have you ever given your ALL to someone THEN watch them give it o someone else what you waited for years to have?

 

this is what I want to say to him. What do I have to lose?

 

 

Well 9lives, it's your call sweetheart. You know your situation best. I just imagine it may well fall on deaf ears.

 

I'd just love to see you be able to look back knowing you were left with some kind of dignity,in knowing he was the actual loser, because you obviously care an awful lot about the guy.

[9Lives]

Have you ever given your ALL to someone THEN watch them give it o someone else what you waited for years to have?

 

this is what I want to say to him. What do I have to lose?

 

 

Well 9lives, it's your call sweetheart. You know your situation best. I just imagine it may well fall on deaf ears.

 

I'd just love to see you be able to look back knowing you were left with some kind of dignity,in knowing he was the actual loser, because you obviously care an awful lot about the guy.

 

Im just asking your opinion and willing to trust it as well. I know my "smarts" are thrown off right now. I need your input and suggestions. If you think it is best to just leave it alone. Then so be it!

[TaraMaiden]

Say nothing, SAY NOTHING, SAY NOTHING!!!

 

leave it all completely alone. NC means stopping all connection, be it verbal, visual, audial, literal.... everything. Delete him off FB, delete all e-mails, block all e-mails, block him on your phone, delete all texts, refuse to answer calls and texts..... are you getting the picture?

 

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

The guy is not so much treating you as a doormat, as much as jumping on you, burying your face in schyt, kicking you while you're down and frankly crapping on you with great abandon.

 

The sad thing is - you've been going back for more.

Naturally, being the warm-hearted and obliging chap that he is, he's happy to continue!!

 

you have to stop this, because you've sold your soul to hell, and actually, you've received nothing - less than nothing - in return.

You were great before you met him.

You're great, again.

 

Get a grip, hun, and hang on.

[9Lives]

Say nothing, SAY NOTHING, SAY NOTHING!!!

 

leave it all completely alone. NC means stopping all connection, be it verbal, visual, audial, literal.... everything. Delete him off FB, delete all e-mails, block all e-mails, block him on your phone, delete all texts, refuse to answer calls and texts..... are you getting the picture?

 

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

The guy is not so much treating you as a doormat, as much as jumping on you, burying your face in schyt, kicking you while you're down and frankly crapping on you with great abandon.

 

The sad thing is - you've been going back for more.

Naturally, being the warm-hearted and obliging chap that he is, he's happy to continue!!

 

you have to stop this, because you've sold your soul to hell, and actually, you've received nothing - less than nothing - in return.

You were great before you met him.

You're great, again.

 

Get a grip, hun, and hang on.

 

I know, I was going to ask for a game plan but it looks like you gave me one. Just dont deal with him is what you are saying.

[Confused4Now]

ONLY the woman on this forum have a clue the hurt, pain, and anguish you suffer in these types of situations. Thank so much.

 

I am in a deep hole and I cant get out. I am so deep. I dont even understand it myself.

This is not at all true....there are plenty of MEN who went through this...Stampdaddy, Myself, Joey and so on...you will eventually work yourself out. We all did or starting to....Keep strong...like someone said....NC= no new hurts

[jwi71]

You know 9lives, I perused your extensive history here on LS.

And I don;t think there is ANYTHING ANYONE can say to help you. Some problems REQUIRE professional help - and yours is one.

 

You have been writing this SAME post for at least a year before I stopped browsing.

 

Quit LS, its done you ZERO good.

Find a good IC and begin that pronto.

 

Good luck..I really have nothing to say that you haven't been reading for a year now so I won't waste your time or mine aside from what I have said.

[Silly_Girl]

I lived in my boyfriend's soap opera for 8 years. When I managed to get free I felt as though someone had handed me my life on a plate. I was physically lucky to escape alive and mentally I was fortunate that somehow I hadn't broken down and left my son without a mum (although I prayed many times for a breakdown so someone would put me in a bed and take the worries away).

 

Please, get some help. Don't CHOOSE this life for yourself. You are not made of him. He is not your life. You have qualities and interests and feelings and needs and desires. Get some counselling, get off the merry-go-round. Do you want to be sitting here just a few years, or months even, from your grave regaling us with his latest antics?? Yuk.

[Angel1111]

Did you ever see the Friends episode where Rachel writes a 9 pg letter to Ross - and Ross is so bored out of his mind that he could shoot himself? We women - being naturally communicative - just totally miss this point but silence speaks louder to men than anything you could conjure up to say. Silence says it all to them. And the best part is, in their own little twisted heads, they start inventing all kinds of things that you aren't actually doing or thinking. So, yea, if you can get control over yourself, stop talking to him completely. That should unnerve him like nothing else.

 

But here's the real crux of the problem, sweetie. You're too giving and you're too nice in circumstances that don't merit being giving or nice. In other words, most women are sweet and nice but we often don't see the signs when we should turn those traits off. Those gifts should only be given to those who have proven to you that they appreciate them and don't abuse them. When a man knows he's being a jack-a** (and he always knows when he is) but sees that you persist in giving, giving, giving, then the words 'no self-esteem, no self-love' pops into his head and the respect for you flies right out the window. You might want to read the book 'Why Men Love Bitches'. The title is tongue-in-cheek but an excellent book to live by.

 

There's absolutely no reason on this earth to say you're sorry for not handling it well that he was married. Huh? Have you thought about that? Why should YOU apologize for not being real happy about this? What do you think HE would've done had you been married and jerked him around the way he has jerked you around? I'm guessing he would've bolted within a few months; he would've given you an ultimatum and if you didn't end your marriage, he would've left without discussing it further or letting you back into his life. Which is exactly what you should've done. Whether you did or didn't do that isn't my point though - you just don't need to apologize about not being accepting of him being married.

 

I'm not saying that respect can't be regained. But even if it is, you're going to have to become a different person with him. Even if you get him back, you will have to always keep him in line, so to speak, because he likes to cheat. I can tell this by the things he has done and continues to do. He likes to have women fighting over him and every time you talk to him, every time you cave in, his ego is dialed up another notch. Stop feeding it. The problem is that even if you got him back and the two of you were together again, he might be ok for a year or 5 yrs - and then I really believe that boredom would set him for him and he'd start doing this all over again. This is not a great person to be with that you want a lifetime with. Just something to think about.

 

I know it's hard to pull yourself away from these relationships, and it's hard to believe that a nice, warm man could actually be using you but this is why they get away with the things they get away with. It's like a wolf in sheep's clothing. They play the game so well that you just don't see what they're really made of, or what the underlying motive is. I mean, they're generally not out to get you, per se, but they're behavior has a destructive vein running through it and it touches everyone who's involved with them. And that is your sign - when he dismisses your feelings, when his priorities consistently come first, when you feel second-best or unloved - it's time to disappear.

 

There are some wonderful books out there about relationships and I've read a ton of them. But the ones that really stand out to me are these: 'Getting To I Do', 'Mars and Venus on a Date' and the one I mentioned above. Why not start there? Reading about relationships is a good distraction and it can help you make sense of what's going on. The stuff inside your head has become stale. Maybe getting some new thoughts will help.

Edited August 9, 2010 by Angel1111

[9Lives]

This is not at all true....there are plenty of MEN who went through this...Stampdaddy, Myself, Joey and so on...you will eventually work yourself out. We all did or starting to....Keep strong...like someone said....NC= no new hurts

 

I didnt mean to offend the great men on this site. Yes, your input is wonderful. I like the NC=no new hurts...yes!