goodwitch Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Need objective 3rd party opinion: My BF of 6 months is totally not interested in having sex w me. In 6 months, we've had it a grand total of 4x. Only 2x did he initiate. I have asked/begged/pleaded and he has all but twice turned me down. I am in my 30's and my hormones are that of a teenage male! I know he is straight because he has STACKS of porno at his house (all adult, lot of girl-on-girl). I know he pleases himself several times per week; he says he prefers that to intercourse. I have found old pics of him and an old girlfriend where they are naked & engaged in sex acts. They are hidden in bathroom, so obviously he uses them in his pleasure time. When I confronted him about them, he gave me he** for snooping. He has admitted to me several fetishes and asked me if I think he is weird for thinking these things. He has a reputation in the past of being quite a player. Twice I have caught him going out of town on business trips w/ a box of condoms packed in his stuff. When he kisses me, going out the door, it is sometimes a brush on lips, but usually he kisses my forehead....I feel like I'm his little sister!!! In all other regards, we are greatly compatible...He tells me he loves me daily. However, this sex issue is killing my self esteem. I am successful, a prominent member of my community and have never had a problem with guys thinking I am attractive. One friend has suggested that guys view women who are "wife material" differently than girls they view as sex objects. I don't know what to think. I hate to lose this relationship because he and I are ALOT alike in almost every other regard. I also have to give him credit b/c I am not the easiest person to get along with and he is very patient and forgiving w me. He refuses to talk to me about this...says I'm crazy when I try to tell him the insecurity this is causing me. Any insights??? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 HE is getting it somewhere else, maybe you should talk to him about it. Sex is an important part of relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Let's see. He isn't interested in you sexually, he masturbates to his ex-girlfriend, he doesn't communicate, he has sex while he's away, He lies to you daily. I'm not going to say this guy is a terrible person, none of my business, but he's NOT the guy for you. Don't delude yourself into thinking that he views you as wife material, so he's not having sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 This dude has some serious issues. Sex addiction with intimacy issues to name just one. Condoms in his suitcase on business trips, please. move on spare yourself. An intelligent, prominant woman in the community can do better, theirs plenty of men at the charity golf tournaments to "hook up with" ...um ..i mean date If you really do like him tell him why your ending the relationship. Mabye then he will get help. post his initials and city so the rest of the women can avoid him too. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Why are you putting up with this schmuck? Dump him, he's not relationship material. There's a million red flags here: -he's not interested in sex with you -he prefers masturbation to having sex with you -he beats off to pictures of him and his ex GF (and keeps the pics in his bathroom, no less, what a dog) -he obviously sleeps around when he's out of town -he treats you like a "sister" Read the writing on the wall. You've only spent a short 6 months with this clown, end it now before you waste any MORE of your time. Perhaps he isn't interested in being with you, but doesn't know how to tell you....and purposely treats you badly so that you'll "get the hint" and be the one to leave him. Regardless, dump him...move on. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Are you seriously asking whether we have "Any insights???" after your post? Come on. You're not a teenager--you're an adult woman in her 30s. You've f**ked your new boyfriend just 4 times in 6 months, he devours porn (that one's for you Dyer) , jerks off to photos of himself and an ex-gf having sex and he has fetishes that you don't identify. Well, at least he packs condoms for safe sex with other women. I suppose that's a good thing. He obviously has a sex drive, but he's not "driving" your new car. Why? Because he's boinking other women and jerking-off. Either way, he's telling you, by his conduct, that you are at the very bottom of his sexual food chain. The fact that you are much alike (I hope not) and he tolerates some unpleasant aspects of your personality is not, in my opinion, nearly enough benefit to bear the burdensome costs of this highly dysfunctional relationship. You want insight? Get out of Dodge, now. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 I am thoroughly amazed that people have to ask questions like this, given the circumstances. It's amazing how homo sapiens are the only animals on the entire planet capable of deluding themselves to the extent they do. I simply don't understand why people put up with the crap they do and have to ask other people what gives? I've been a member of this forum for over four years and these kinds of questions keep coming and coming. You couldn't have given better advice but the BIG question is will she take it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 You couldn't have given better advice but the BIG question is will she take it!!! No, I suspect she will not. My best guess is that she'll continue on for another 6 months to a year trying to reform this creep. The lies, humiliations and scorching lack of intimacy will continue. One day, she'll awaken from her dream state and ask herself, " What the f**k have I been doing for the past year or year and a half?" I just hope that, by then, she does not have a STD (packing condoms is not the same as using condoms) and is not so destroyed that it's years before she's able to love again. Lurking these boards, Tony, the one thing I've noticed is that for many people a bad relationship is preferable to no relationship. I'm impressed that you keep trying to convince people otherwise. You do a nice job. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Originally posted by jester (that one's for you Dyer) I never claimed there weren't people out there who let it become unhealthy. Have a bunny and get off my case about it. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Have a bunny and get off my case about it. Done. Thanks for the bunny. I hope that wasn't a Valentine's Day gift. Not that there's anything wrong with that... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 No, I got you a singing telegram, like you asked for. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 No, I got you a singing telegram, like you asked for. Great! I hope it's Zep's, "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You, off the first album. That's a transcendant tune!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Okay, it is now--What a great song for Valentines Day! Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodwitch Posted February 15, 2004 Author Share Posted February 15, 2004 Thanks for all replies...Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone other than your Mom & best friend. By the way, I have "broken up" w/ him 4 times. He refuses to leave me alone; says 'I'm crazy if I think he is letting me go.' I know deep down I'm just a trophy girlfriend; his family approves! Based on his exes, he's obviously attracted to bleached blonds w/ boob jobs and dress like strippers (not that there's anything wrong w/that, girls--I'm just saying that's what he likes). I'm a 180 from that. Why have I stayed? I tell myself it's because we live in a rural area where there's not alot of guys to pick from--very lame, I must admit. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Why have I stayed? I tell myself it's because we live in a rural area where there's not alot of guys to pick from--very lame, I must admit. I guessed as much. If your attractive enough to be a "trophy girlfriend," you'll find a guy quickly . I am concerned that you've tried to break-up with him 4 times and he refuses to leave you alone. Can this "boyfriend of the year" also be a stalker? Be very careful with this guy,goodwitch. Why don't you consider moving to a more urban area? There, you'll be free of him and have a greater pool for mate selection. If feasible, think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodwitch Posted February 15, 2004 Author Share Posted February 15, 2004 Oh, he's not a control freak.....he's a cop. Hmm, they're the same thing, aren't they? Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Oh, he's not a control freak.....he's a cop. Hmm, they're the same thing, aren't they? I think so. Although I'm not a cop, nor have I ever dated one. I would exit quietly. Don't piss him off! Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Sorry to say this, but it sounds as if your man is getting it from somewhere else. If you have been together 6 months, there is no reason why he is not giving you any unless he is cheating. So, have you brought it up to him as to why he is not interested in you sexually? You need to get some answers and if you don't get it after you talk to him and things don't get better, then you should move on. I don't think any man or women who deals with someone who is cheating should put up with having to beg and whathave you to getting sex. Dump his ass. Link to post Share on other sites
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