clarity needed because i dont get men

[mas]

So here goes nothing. I play on a coed sports team and have been for the a couple months. There is one very attractive flirty guy on the team which i told my friends that one of them has to date him the first time we all met bc i had a bf at the time(whom i lived with). Well he drunkenly kissed my friend a couple of months ago and nothing happened from it besides her really wanting more.

 

..... well i finally started to be able to hang out more and go out to the bars the last couple of weeks. One of the nights after the game while at the bar, john (another team mate) tells me this guy has a crush on me, and at the same time , my friend (jen) texts me saying she is over him and that he has a crush on me.. to that i drank a shot ignored all of this.

........

The next night we went out for a friends bday and he showed up but was the sober driver to his friends.. my girlfriends ended up leaving and i hoped into their car and was gonna take a cab from their place. He insisted of driving me which was 45 mins out of his way.... He was sober and i was not and telling me about how he was not good with relationships, is a sensitive guy and that i need to stop telling him to date jen and he cant force it bc nothings there. Also that he had a crush on me. So i took that as if he was over it already... . (i ended up breaking up with my bf, but had nothing to do with him, just a long time coming and been very unhappy with him.)

 

....flash forward to the next week at our game he went up to my parents while i was playing and introduced himself. (all the parents came to the game).... Later we went to a concert and got ready at his place and he ended up cleaning his bathroom bc i made fun of it last time i was over and bought a shower curtain... random.

 

..Later we went to a concert and he was dancing a little with me and jen which was cool.. but he then started holding my hand during the show. It was kinda weird... And he kissed me on the check a couple of times when we were alone...... None of which jen noticed. ...

.... that is my long background... so what is his deal, is he just drunk, what does the hand holding thing mean??? Ahh i just want some clarity bc i feel like im 16.

[D-Lish]

.... Later we went to a concert and got ready at his place and he ended up cleaning his bathroom bc i made fun of it last time i was over and bought a shower curtain... random.

 

 

That's not random at all, it's extremely significant.

[Green]

he probably likes you and he is not very smooth because who the heck does cheek kiss? YOU KISS THE LIPS

[mas]

who does any of this, I mean it confuses me bc he kisses ppl drunk but does weird things with me instead... i mean we are 25. His friend slash my teammate was commenting at the concert that it is like a love triangle bc jen likes him and he likes me.. But i for some reason dont take it all seriously..

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't get "men" either. Geez, all the things I'm guilty of by virtue of my gender. I'm developing a complex.

[D-Lish]

who does any of this, I mean it confuses me bc he kisses ppl drunk but does weird things with me instead... i mean we are 25. His friend slash my teammate was commenting at the concert that it is like a love triangle bc jen likes him and he likes me.. But i for some reason dont take it all seriously..

 

I don't understand what you want from starting this thread. Either you like him, or you don't. He obviously likes you.

 

Do you have an issue with the fact that he made-out with your friend? You were in a relationship when that happened. That's water under the bridge.

[2sunny]

just go out with him. stop worrying about how everyone else feels/thinks and start seeing if you two can make it work.

 

he obviously likes you - so go out with him. he sounds a bit shy and timid around women. cut him some slack.

 

and cut out the alcohol when you're with him - you need some clarity on whether or not you enjoy his company - it's too hard to gauge when you're drinking too much.

[Template]

I don't understand what you want from starting this thread. Either you like him, or you don't. He obviously likes you.

 

Do you have an issue with the fact that he made-out with your friend? You were in a relationship when that happened. That's water under the bridge.

 

I'm with D-Lish on this. What's your point? You like him, he likes, you, why make it more complicated than it really is. That's what an actual relationship is for. Enjoy the purity that it is right now, and have fun.

[djhall]

The solution to your situation is as exquisitely simple as it is excrutiatingly difficult... honest disclosure, unambiguous communication, and emotional risk.

 

You don't know what is going on in his head any more than he knows what is going on in yours. He may have kissed you on the cheek because he is shy when he isn't drunk and thinks he is clearly communicating romantic interest or he may have chosen the cheeck instead of the lips because he wanted to communicate affction but not romance.

 

Waiting passively for him to do something could well be interpreted as a lack of interest or encouragement on your part. Remember, he isn't a mind reader any more than you are. Alternatively, you could take the initiative and try to push things a little more aggressively yourself, but that may not be suited to your personality type and I think that approach is likely to be more emotinally risky in the slim chance that he was trying to communicate affection without romance.

 

That leaves communication. If you simply attempt to get him to disclose how he feels, you are likely to get ambiguous or "safe" answers. A guy who is being as cautious as this is unlikely to openly admit he thinks you are the sexiest goddess to ever walk the earth if he fears you might think he is like the big brother you always wanted. That means you need to take an emotional risk and provide open disclosure of what you want and what you feel. You may get a response you like, or you may get a response that hurts a bit emotionally, but at the very least you know that he is basing his reactions on accurate information and not guesses and speculations and insecurities.

 

I know it is hard to do, because it involves putting yourself out there without any guarantee that you are going to get it back, but that is the price of getting around the little games people play to try to avoid taking a risk.

[WintersNightTraveler]

D-Lish nailed it with her first post.

 

You're dissapointed he's not more aggressive, that's all. Either find a more aggressive dude or go ahead and make the first move...

[mas]

This is why i need clarity.. so many mixed signals this guy gives. So we have out game again and all meet up before. I got drunk so he offered to drive my car... and again after volleyball he took my keys away and drove me back to my friends house while another friend followed. This i understand is all good. On the way home he said i really like you, you make me nervous and only like one other girl has done this to him. blah blha blah and he asked if i felt the same and i said ya but it was awkward bc my friend... ends up making out with him when he left and he said he wanted to take me on a date / go with me to look at apartments the next day.... so i am thinking wow i understand him... flash forward ot the next day i am confused again. We ran errands/hung out for like 4 hours. Some things he would say/do make me feel like he was still into me. But he did tell me how when a girl likes him he gets over it and that everyone thinks he has commitment issues. He told me all about himself basically . He also said once he makes out with a girl he gets over it (which hes told me before).... so i am thinking ok well this is very weird for me right now. next day he offered to go with me apartment shopping if i need someone again because my place fell through. He texted me and my friend to do something later that night and i was considering going and he gave me directions and said are you coming and i said i have nothing else to do and he said outstanding... then.... he calls and asks where i am and i was like whts up, does it suck. He was like his 2 best friends left and its not that good and i ask if i shouldnt go and he was like yea. So i feel so stupid. He sent me a text saying sorry and that hes leaving soon. It was already around 1140 and i wouldnt get there till 12 something. But wtf so now that i drunk kissed him and am being nice he is over me 2... i hate not being in control!

[Green]

Stop drunk kissing people... nothing good can come of it.

[xpaperxcutx]

Simple answer- this guy likes to get frisky when he's drunk.

 

I understand why you can't take him seriously. He just kisses and flirts around when he's drunk.

 

The question is, do you even like him? I would never move on another friend's territory even if he had rejected her because I have moral standards about guys my friends are into and guys who has kissed my friends.

[mas]

yes i agree.. i didnt want to get involved in this drama to begin with but this guy likes to mess up everything... I would not date him or anything just hate that he is such a jerk/complex.... I know that was wrong of me to kiss back when they made out like 3 months ago but i was wasted and it happened too fast. I actually told her about it too. I just want to know what this guys deal is... bc he was trying to act like it was different with me and that with the other girls he didnt want to hang out with the next day.. blah blah blah...