Guilty...

[Amber]

Hi... I am 22 years old, with a slight problem. You see, I have been dating the same man for about 1 1/2 years. Of that time, we have been apart for about 10 months. On two occations, I strayed from the man I love, to feel the warmth of another person. I am not trying to make excuses for what I have done, but, is it possible for me to get over the guilt I feel? I have come to the conclusion that I love this man more than life itself... and can't imagine my life without him. That is the only reason that I have not told him. We were very far apart when this happened, and having relationship problems. I just want to know if I will ever get over the guilt. I can't tell him, I will lose him... and perhaps I deserve to... I guess I am selfish. But I feel like I have reformed, and the thought of leaving, or straying again makes me sick. Will I ever get over this, I am so sorry!!!

[Tony T]

Everybody has their favorite bad feeling, or raquet, and yours happens to be guilt. Nasty, negative emotions are felt by our choice. We make a decision to feel guilty. It is how certain people are were trained. You can manipulate others who are vulnerable and you yourself are extremely vulnerable to being manipulated by guilt. My guess is that one or both of your parents did this guilt crap on you when you were growing up. Shame on them, but you know that old junk excuse, they did the best they could. Ok, but here we are now.

 

Guilt is an inappropriate feeling that serves us no useful purpose at all. I rather value feeling good so I make a conscious choice not to feel anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, jealously, depression, etc. Oh, yes, I slip up once in a while. There are good alternative feelings to those negative emotions.

 

I don't normally suggest readings but I'm on a roll today. Go out a get a book called "How To Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything" by Albert Ellis, the founding father of rational psychology. The book will help you master your feelings. Another great book is "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns, M.D. Read the appropriate chapters each time your emotions are getting the best of you. (I don't get a fee or commission on the sales of these books)

 

The best thing to do is consider yourself a falible human being, forgive yourself, and move on. Why would any sane person want to go on day by day pounding themselves against a brick wall, unless they were on Who Wants To Be A Nut Case television program?

 

The bigger problem here is your relationship. You need to understand that love is not nearly enough to take a couple through a lifetime of being together. If there are reasons why the two of you have problems in your relationship, you need to address them.

 

Because your favorite nasty emotion is guilt, you knew when you were unfaithful that you would feel like hell afterwards but you chose to go ahead anyway. Obviously, you were more than willing to pay the price of the forthcoming guilt in return for being with someone else. You need to ask yourself if your guy is away again, will you be able to handle the burning desire to have "the warmth of another person."

 

If the warmth of another person is what you need, and that is perfectly normal and OK, you need to be dating and eventually to marry someone where there is reasonable certainty there will be no long periods of separation.

 

Make a firm decision to stop feeling guilty...right now. YOU are the ONLY ONE who controls your mind and your thoughts. Emotions are not part of the anatomy.