i think she found xxx on my computer and left

[rich_1517]

This is embarassing to talk about but i need to know what i should do.

 

background: 3 years, she shuts down intimatly, i declined to move in twice, love her very much, wanted to see change, last three months so/so but some discusion of breakup, very breif. we were still making plans.

 

just so you dont think xxx on computer may be the only reason

My business failed and i hung on but this lead to financial instability

I gave her a hard time for 1-1/2 yrs about intimacy

My dad got alzheimers, had to leave for twenty days over xmas to put him in care facility

We had problems, she wanted me to quit smoking, move in, change diet

 

Ok shes leaves, saying she needs two months to decide, at first she says i need time to myself, then changes it to two months after i ask is there no other way? she says two months.

 

week one -> insert pain here, dont contact until end of week and go tell her i have been wrong, not getting job, being stubborn, unappreciated of what i do have, you know the drill, not totally pathetic but. she says she still wants two months.

 

week two -> she calls over meaningless stuff, we joke, etc, i get off first upbeat

 

week three -> i do no contact -> she starts calling, then calling, then finds excuse to hang out for 5 hours, I am hurting but have it under control, we go to dinner and yep: "i asked" whats up? bad move i know but, she says im still deciding. i feel bad, she feels bad, i try to kiss her goodnight she avoids it. ouch. she sends email next day saying have to be freinds right now, doesnt want to get my hopes up. I respond with nothing.

 

week four -> i ask for no contact period then change it to no contact while i look for work (one week), she calls becuase someone cloned her cerdit card wanted to know if had reciepts or her number wirtten down, no she doesnt think it was me.

 

so here we are in the begining of the 5th week. I am more grounded she has not called the time period expires day after tommorrow for my requested no contact. I am not overly optimistic at this point, she has changed so much and been flippant and casual about the break up "are we going to have a custody battle over the board games?" as an example.

 

So while this was a long winded explanation i still have some doubts about the change in her, it could have just been time, but she shifted so much so fast that i try to look for causes beyond the obvious. she doesnt talk her feelings much so its possible she just burst.

 

ok heres the crux, i used a download program to download a ton of you know what, i didnt pay attention it just went straight to my computer. I didnt really look at it till this week and i was horrified at what i had. I looked at some of it before not much and not in depth.

 

while i was away she was here a lot, and if she nosed thouroughly through my computer she would have found it. I dont even xxx pitcures much and i have no idea why i didnt delete it. I may have been angry and wanted her to find it, i dont know the answer right now. some of it is really bad, and i know it sounds like bs but i really dont like stuff out of the ordinary. some of this was teen, very disturbing. it was a bulk download and there was so much i just didnt think to browse it all. i dont know what i was thinking.

 

anyway she knows me and knows i am moral, she trusts me with her son. given that she is so non conflict oriented could she have found it, got upset and that is her reason? or am i just reaching?

[Darkangelism]

I doubt it, for the most part the women, who have a problem with porn will say so.

[befuddled11]

No offense, but this sounds like it's been a rather dysfunctional, chaotic, tension-filled ?relationship for quite some time. What did you ever GET from it? Relationships have their ups and downs, but the sense I get from what you've written is that there's been a lot more "downs" in yours than "ups."

 

What's this about her having shut down on you "intimately"....you mean she lost interest in sex with you? If so, how long into your relationship?

 

I find this whole "2 months apart" thing to be lame. It sounds like some sort of game she's playing. She's adamant she wants 2 months apart to "Decide what she wants" yet she seems to be manipulating you...surely she knows you must be hurting from her decision to temporarily separate...yet she continues to phone you for trivial reasons? She is either confused or playing games.

 

And I get the sense from your post that she's tried to "change you"....the thing with her wanting you to quit smoking, change your diet, her wanting to move in with you. Is she a control freak? Is she the kind of person who, if she doesn't get her "own way", she will make her partner "pay" by things such as "shutting down intimately" (intimacy...err, withholding sex), or wanting to take a 2 month break?

 

When you mentioned that you had to spend 3 weeks out of town over Christmas, to help your Father (with Alzheimer's) get settled in his new home.......did she support you during this? Or did she resent you for being away from her? Your answer to this will give a lot of info on what kind of person she is.

[rich_1517]

Yes there are problems, yes there are things about each other we want to see different, there may be compromise here if we both want it.

 

yes the two month deciding is lame, im not waiting on anymore though, i dont have to tell her that though,the calling it could be a game, it may not. the point is to find my own boundaries, i may get around to telling im not waiting but not until im sure.

 

the changes i am making i needed to make anyway, they included quitting smoking, getting real about my failed business and being more commital, those arent that self sacificing overall, they will suit me with this relationship or the next.

 

No she did not support me during this, well not when i got back. she was more distant, she may have had enough at that point. and yes im pretty pissed about it, she has been there before and has offered now that i can call if i need to about that but that one is hard for me, it is very selfish, hence me trying to find additional reaons she may have vaporised. but i also believe its time when its time, i wouldnt walk on someone who was in my position. this one deserves more thought.