Will I ever get over this?

[nolagurl07]

So Ive been dating this guy for 6 months but over time he never wanted to make it official and call me his gf. We had lots of fun together he would help me study go shopping dining out all sorts of stuff. I felt like we had the perfect relationship but once again everytime i brought up the idea of being exclusive he would get mad saying that i keep pressuring him. Eventually I gave up on it and just went with the flow. He asked me one night if I got my monthly cycle yet I lied to him and told him yea even though i didnt and I knew I was late but I was so worried about it I was too scared to tell him. I eventually realized I was pregnant but I never told him I kept it from him till I could find the right time to tell him. Back in march, he started avoiding me and not taking my calls or texts. He finally texted one day and said that he only feels for me as a friend and we should end it.

I was devastated i didnt no what to do and i knew i needed to tell him but he wouldnt take my calls. I tried going over to his house but he started saying i was stalking him so i just texted him i was pregnant told him i lied and ended contact. I found out that a week after he entered into a relationship with another gurl and they became official. I was shocked cuz when i asked him if he was leaving cuz he met someone else he said no so he lied. Months went by and we didnt speak finally one night he called and wanted to work things out I terminated my pregnancy so that wasnt an issue anymore.

We started talking again for a month he claims he forgives me but he still holds it against me. He says he doesnt trust me and that I lied to him about something huge. I know I did I said sorry i wrote an apology letter was very sincere but now he doesnt want to speak to me and says hell contact me if he ever gets over this. What the hell? I feel like all the blame is being put on me. I know I did wrong and he sees me as nothing but a liar but i cant help but be mad at him too. I just feel so guilty now like its all my fault and I wanted some advice what do you think? Its like he wont say sorry for what hes done but holds a grudge for what I did. He left me for another gurl yet I lied to him about being pregnant so he feels the need to say Im the bad person..I still love him and I wanted to work this out. I forgave him but he cant forgive me..

[Lost Fish]

Oh dear Nolagurl.

 

YOU AREN'T A BAD PERSON!

 

He is using the pregnancy as an excuse to cover his own ass. Deep down he knows he is just as responsible for the situation that arose.

 

You need a bit of a dose of reality, because your post screams of a low self-image and you need to realize that that isn't the way things are.

 

1. He never respected you through the relationship, he may have had some kind of connection with you, but his fear of commitment, and childish argument about "hiding something major" are merely covers he is using to hide the fact that he knows he treated you poorly.

 

2. He treated you this way because you let him! The moment things felt tense because he wasn't going to commit, you should have had red flags go up, and thought about breaking it off with him.

 

3. This dude really isn't worth your time. You need to realize that he is a complete douchebag and you don't deserve to be with someone like this. If you go NO CONTACT with him after a few weeks you will start to realize how much better you are without him dragging you down.

 

Be strong and focus on YOU. Consider it a learning experience and try to move forward.

 

Good luck!

[Beeotch]

In the middle of my earlier response my computer shut off

 

So I guess I will make this one more concise:

 

Let me just say that, first off...this is NOT love. It really really really isn't, and it really hurts me to think that people all over the world go through these messed up situations and mislabel it love and think that drama and heartache are part and parcel with love, when it isn't. It is insecurity and need.

 

Your story reminds me of a friend of mine who was in a similar situation that my other friends and I couldn't understand. She was "dating" a guy for 2 years whom she so badly wanted to be her bf and for him to make her his woman....he didn't. She put out ALL the effort. He ofcourse did nice things for her from time to time but it was not a real relationship. She ofcourse wanted it to be so badly that she pretended it was and convinced herself about it, although EVERYONE else was like umm wtf?? But ofcourse, she would get upset when you pointed out the truth. Her denial and need to be loved and wanted by this man (which was misguided and a poor replacement for her own true self love) caused her to totally construct this false reality. We're all guilty of this in smaller or larger ways.

 

She got pregnant, their "arrangement" ended and a couple months later he met some other woman, made her his gf and they moved to another country together. She was of course devastated! However, I said good riddance! It is finally a wake up call to see the TRUTH that was always blaring at you.

 

I strongly believe that when the Universe sends you messages that you don't get...they get stronger and stronger until you cannot help BUT see it. Often times it will be in the form of a traumatic experience. I very much believe that break ups are one such message that something is amiss in our lives that we need to attend to...but so many times people choose to focus on getting this person back or blaming this person instead of seeing what they're supposed to see.

 

 

Hon, you deserve a lot better than this. But you know what? YOU have to be the one to take that responsibility and demand more of yourself, and in turn others will treat you as you deserve to be treated. You haven't been showing that you are worthy and deserve utmost respect. You showed that you needed this man to make you his gf and that you would stick around having sex with him and doing all these other things with the hopes that MAYBE he would value you and change his mind. That is not the way to go.

 

If you want someone who will pursue you, want to make you officially his gf, treat you right, you have to exude that and act and believe that within yourself. You can't fake it...

 

People will use you, if you give them the opportunity to do so. DON'T!

I KNOWWW the pain and hurt you must be feeling, but you know what, ALL growth comes with growing pains. The last year has been full of that for me, but I am out on the other side, more resilient, confident, happy, wiser than ever! So I am not gonna lie and say it is all easy, I overnight learned all these things. Nopes...it took mistakes, hurt, drama etc before I TRULY saw the point. For a while you focus on this other person as the source of all that is wrong in the world and believe being with them again will make it right...WRONG...it wasn't until I realized the break up was about ME and a sign from the Universe to focus on what I want, need, lessons I needed to learn etc that i truly detached and started to grow.

 

You are an awesome person. Please don't chase this man. This is a blessing! Leave him alone....focus on yourself and being the woman you want to be and someone whom you would look up to and then all other things will follow!

Edited August 10, 2010 by Beeotch