Should I still support my exgirlfriend?

[support]

After 4 years of a long distance relationship, we broke up mith my girlfriend. It was all started with her talks a month ago. She didnt know what to do cause she is 24 and she of course have having a family, marriage and child plans.

 

We have no chance of doing that together. She wasnt able to tell me even some words at that time. I tried to calm her down, I told her she is right, we should end but slowly. During the last month I visited her again to talk about more, then 3 weeks later she came to me. We had a wonderful vacation and I tried to talk to her but everytime it was becoming mess, she was crying a lot. My purpose was to make a slow transition to end everything but it was so difficult.

 

We had a chance to talk a few days only and then I said lets stop talking not to ruin our vocation. We did all the crazy thing we were doing (like having sex in the sea), having sex for 2 hours and she was having 100s of orgasms (I am serious:)) was so happy.

 

We agreed to talk with emails when she returns back.

 

I know she is right, we both love each other but it should end. We talked about some other options like continuing our relation until she finishes her 2nd masters but it was going to be so painful.

 

There are of course other things beyond love. We met with her when she started her college. She was beautiful, nice personality but so weak. With my support in any sense she became a really strong person now. She has one masters already. She will start another one.

 

I know she will need my support during this period but I told her to decide what to do. I told her the options and she decided that we should break up but stay friends.

 

I told her that if we break up, we break up, no friends cz both of us cannot stand that pain of seeing the person but not being able to touch etc. I told her we should go NC, even she didnt want, she somehow agreed. She feels little bit guilty about her decision and she is so confused but we agreed on break up.

 

I started the NC but since we have complicated relation, she sent me an sms today in the morning that "sorry to disturb but I have just 10$ left and you are the only one can help, inform me asap, if u can or not"

I waited a lot to respond, then she sent so many messages that she started to worry about me etc. anyway, I replied then she sent another sms then asked to talk for 5 minutes, we talked and she said why I didnt reply on time etc I worried about you and I tried to be cold to her and end the call by "byes".

 

I knew that she is broke cz of our vocation and she will need money and we already decided that we should solve her bills, rent etc together (for this month).

 

So, I need advices how to handle NC and some advices about what to do in general also cz she needs me a lot not only economically, mentally also, I know it. I wanted her to think clearly about herself and life etc. I love her so much and she loves me so much but we decided what is realistic for her.

 

I am so much confused that NC is not a good option here or the best option?

 

Any advice appreciated

[lovefromgirl]

After 4 years of a long distance relationship, we broke up mith my girlfriend. It was all started with her talks a month ago. She didnt know what to do cause she is 24 and she of course have having a family, marriage and child plans.

 

We have no chance of doing that together.

 

Addressing what appears to be the big problem: why is there no chance? Is that just because she's getting a second Master's? Degree programs don't last forever! What's going on?

[2sunny]

I knew that she is broke cz of our vocation and she will need money and we already decided that we should solve her bills, rent etc together (for this month).

 

HER bills are HERS to solve/pay. this is not YOUR problem - even when you were dating it shouldn't have been YOUR problem.

 

she will use you for YOUR money as long as YOU say yes.

 

tell her HELL NO!!!!! she's an adult - SHE can find a way to make things work for HERSELF!

[support]

Addressing what appears to be the big problem: why is there no chance? Is that just because she's getting a second Master's? Degree programs don't last forever! What's going on?

 

We are in different countries and there is no way for any of us to relocate. It should either go like this or end. We both knew this when we started this relation and we went with the flow and had great 4 years. The problem i guess became more visible when I wasnt able to go to her for 8 months even we had phone talks everyday.

 

So, NC is good or bad in our case? and if we can make it back working again or not?

Edited August 11, 2010 by support

[aerogurl87]

GO NC!!!!!!!! And do not, I repeat DO NOT pay her bills for her. She wanted the relationship to end and with that came an end to your helping her out financially.

[Els]

Er, I may have misread but I believe the OP is saying she was broke because she paid the money for them to meet (the vacation). In that case I think a decent guy would at least reimburse that money.

[support]

Even I paid most of the vacation, we spend all our money. We bought so many clothes for her, ate in different restaurants etc. So, we decided that we will pay her bills and rent together before we (she actually) finalized the break up. So how to manage NC now, I sent her some money today and I called, I will send again on Monday, maybe i should send just an sms? or call again?

 

What about after, I know she will not ask regularly but i feel that there may be emergencies, I know her she will resist to ask but she knows that I was her lover and supporter and the only person she trusts in her life.

 

Even I initiated NC, I am sure she is devastated emotionally.

 

NC help needed

 

 

Er, I may have misread but I believe the OP is saying she was broke because she paid the money for them to meet (the vacation). In that case I think a decent guy would at least reimburse that money.

[TMichaels]

So, NC is good or bad in our case? and if we can make it back working again or not?

 

By "back working again or not" what do you mean? That you want to continue to have a LDR with her, talk on the phone, send text messages and see her once a year?

 

If that's what you want, she clearly has told you she wants more out of the relationship than that. She wants family, marriage and children.

 

You're not ready, willing or able to do that -- and even though she said she's willing to be "just friends" -- that's not what she really wants. Trust me.

 

I don't quite understand why it is impossible for you two to move to one another's country, but perhaps one day things will be different and then you or she can.

 

But, as far as things stand at the moment, if the two of you have made an agreement regarding helping her get back on her feet financially during the next month then honor that promise and do what you said.

 

But once the month is done and your financial obligation is settled, if you have no interest in being together permanently and marrying her, though it may seem cruel, the kindest thing you can do is to end things. And yes, when you end things it means NC (no contact).

 

Yes, it will be hard -- for both of you. But drawing things out and separating slowly isn't going to accomplish anything except to prolong the hurt and give at least one of you false hope.

 

Hope this helps and best of luck to you both,

TMichaels

Edited August 11, 2010 by TMichaels

[support]

By "back working again or not" what do you mean? That you want to continue to have a LDR with her, talk on the phone, send text messages and see her once a year?

 

I mean to be together again. Actually, except the 8 month case we were able to see each other every month.

 

If that's what you want, she clearly has told you she wants more out of the relationship than that. She wants family, marriage and children.

 

You're not ready, willing or able to do that -- and even though she said she's willing to be "just friends" -- that's not what she really wants. Trust me.

 

So, what she really wants then by "just friends"? Maybe we should stay friends I dont know cz time may change so many things.

 

I don't quite understand why it is impossible for you two to move to one another's country, but perhaps one day things will be different and then you or she can.

 

After reading your comment I thought what if we can do that later. If I make radical changes in my life I may have a second business in her country. Do you think I should discuss with her about this possibilty. If I do she may think that I am just trying to be back and lying? I will need time for these things, is it fair to ask her to give that time? at least for a while and its not 100% sure that I can succeed to relocate. I need advices here ..

 

But, as far as things stand at the moment, if the two of you have made an agreement regarding helping her get back on her feet financially during the next month then honor that promise and do what you said.

 

But once the month is done and your financial obligation is settled, if you have no interest in being together permanently and marrying her, though it may seem cruel, the kindest thing you can do is to end things. And yes, when you end things it means NC (no contact).

 

I decided to be in contact with her until the end of the month, I will think more about how or if to tell her my intentions or radical changes. I will tell her not to talk anything about our relation until that time. Then, I may go to her or tell her to come to me to discuss my plans and offer to her, if she says she can wait, I will continue, if she will not, i ll do a NC for a while to accept everything and later stay friends.

 

What you think about these possibilities?

 

Thanks for wishes and comments

[carvidep]

Geez bud, stop dragging her around. If you're not 100% sure if you want to be with her, then don't, because she is 100% sure that she wants to be with you, and any less coming from you is not fair to her.

 

Make up your mind!

[support]

I am 100% sure that I want to be with her, just not sure how to make the relocation and the time and money needed for that.

 

Geez bud, stop dragging her around. If you're not 100% sure if you want to be with her, then don't, because she is 100% sure that she wants to be with you, and any less coming from you is not fair to her.

 

Make up your mind!

[Green]

I am 100% sure that I want to be with her, just not sure how to make the relocation and the time and money needed for that.

 

You just do it. Or you tell her. YOU COME LIVE WITH ME and you comand it.

[carvidep]

yep. definitely tell her. and work together to figure out the money and plans to be together.

 

Unfortunately an official move can't be made over night, so the distance will drag on a bit longer regardless, but working toward the end goal of actually being together makes it soooooo much easier.

[support]

I called her and had a talk like 2 hours on the phone. This is the first time we talked that much in the last month. I told her that I should think about the things we never talked. I made her understand what I mean. I will need a few weeks to figure things out how to approach and tell her my wishes and if I will have any plans. I know it will be difficult to try to relocate and it will not be easy but I will offer. If she agrees, we will try to work it out. If it will not be, i decided to be friends at least. It will be our decision.

 

Btw, even she didnt tell me anythings she was in panic and devestation but felt that she was happy that we talked. After 2-3 weeks I will tell her to come here for real talks.

 

Thanks for advices to everyone. If u have more, they are also welcome.

[WintersNightTraveler]

We did all the crazy thing we were doing (like having sex in the sea), having sex for 2 hours and she was having 100s of orgasms (I am serious:)) was so happy.

[...]

we have complicated relation, she sent me an sms today in the morning that "sorry to disturb but I have just 10$ left and you are the only one can help, inform me asap, if u can or not"

she sent so many messages

[...]

we already decided that we should solve her bills, rent etc together (for this month)

 

You are getting used. Bail immediately. Sometimes it's hard to cut your losses but this is definitely a case you need to cut your losses.

[carvidep]

You are getting used. Bail immediately. Sometimes it's hard to cut your losses but this is definitely a case you need to cut your losses.

 

After reading through this thread again I agree that you are being used for money. If and only IF you believe you two truly want to be together, push her to get a job so she can pay for her own things. If she refuses or doesn't try, then bail for sure.

[support]

I am 100% sure thats why I am not able to leave her. It wouldnt be the correct thing to tell her the truth. I will try all my chances to relocate and try to create a new business there to be with her but i cant still 100% guarantee that I will be succesful.

 

I asked her that I am in a 2 week period that I will do some changes in my life about us, still thinking. How should I talk to her? I shouldn't tell her that it may end up without nice results. If I dont tell her that risk, isnt that a lie?

 

I need advices from females more in this case

 

 

 

Geez bud, stop dragging her around. If you're not 100% sure if you want to be with her, then don't, because she is 100% sure that she wants to be with you, and any less coming from you is not fair to her.

 

Make up your mind!

[support]

She has one full time (not well paid now but has a great future potential) and one part time job (teaching will start at the end of September) already. She is hardworking, not someone who would use me for money.

 

After reading through this thread again I agree that you are being used for money. If and only IF you believe you two truly want to be together, push her to get a job so she can pay for her own things. If she refuses or doesn't try, then bail for sure.

[TaraMaiden]

You don't get it.

She IS using you for money.

And the more you support her, the un-fairer YOU are being.

Yes, you.

because at one point, maybe you'll meet another girl, and your priorities will shift. And if she has become dependent on your support, removing it is going to knock her sideways.

So you should stop now, and let her stand on her own 2 feet.

because like it or not, she will have to.

You should let her exprience this sooner, rather than later.

[support]

My title question became illegitimate but take the first message as general info about our relation. As I mentioned before, I helped her a lot in the past even she didnt want but she will be able to stand alone economically soon.

 

I will tell her I will do all my best to move to her country but how about if I cannot succeed. How should I talk to her? I shouldn't tell her that it may end up without nice results. If I dont tell her that risk, isnt that a lie?

 

I should tell her to give me a year to sort things out? I should tell her that I will do all my best? Which way to talk to her is the best?

 

I decided what to do but so confused on how to do it

[TaraMaiden]

My title question became illegitimate but take the first message as general info about our relation. As I mentioned before, I helped her a lot in the past even she didnt want but she will be able to stand alone economically soon.

 

I will tell her I will do all my best to move to her country but how about if I cannot succeed. How should I talk to her? I shouldn't tell her that it may end up without nice results. If I dont tell her that risk, isnt that a lie?

 

I should tell her to give me a year to sort things out? I should tell her that I will do all my best? Which way to talk to her is the best?

 

I decided what to do but so confused on how to do it

 

You don't seem to get it.

You and she are over.

You are her ex-.

She is your ex-.

You actually owe her nothing.

 

You can tell her what you like, but you are under no obligation, and drawing this out and keeping yourselves connected is futile and a drain on your resources.

Chances are sghe is maintaining contact with you in order to gain whatever she can, before she finally has to stand on her own two feet.... "Make hay while the sun shines"....

 

Do nothing for her benefit.

 

(Do you actually WANT to move to her country? What's in it for you? Why go, if there is no reason in her, for you to move there?)

And cut this off now.

[support]

I told her that we should talk about the future. We should talk the things we never talked in our relation until now. I told her that either here or in her country. She said I dont know what to say. She is little bit confused now cz she wasnt expecting any offer like this. She said she wants to think a few days cz she is still in a complex situation and confused a lot.

 

If she will not accept to meet (I told her that we cannot meet as friends, we should meet as who we really are), I will know that I did all I can for us and definetly understand that I should move on.

[WintersNightTraveler]

I told her that we should talk about the future. We should talk the things we never talked in our relation until now.

[...]

definetly understand that I should move on.

 

These two are contradictory.

[support]

These two are contradictory.

 

I know but what can I do if she doesnt want us to meet and talk about it

[WintersNightTraveler]

I know but what can I do if she doesnt want us to meet and talk about it

 

Don't meet and don't talk about it.

 

The talk wouldn't change anything anyway.