Mathaeus Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 Hello, everyone, and here's the deal: I've been together with a wonderful girl--"Dana"--for over three years now, and I love her more than anything. I'd never do anything to hurt her, and I'd willingly give up practically all other human contact if that's what it took to keep her. Much more recently, I became acquainted with another girl, "Maya," and we're slowly becoming friends--very platonic friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way, considering my regard for Dana. But here's the complication: Maya is drop-dead beautiful. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm attracted... Now, the easy, no-thought-required solution to this problem would be to avoid Maya, and not become friends with her at all. In effect, to keep away from all beautiful women, good intentions or not. But that seems like a shame, since she's not trying to seduce me and I don't want to be seduced. It would be like saying, "I can't be your friend because you're gorgeous."--which sucks for everybody involved. How do you keep up an open, honest friendship with somebody you admire if you can't tell them that very fact? How does one go about being friendly but not flirtatious, warm but not in-heat, open--but above all secretive when it comes to the thing I'm most likely to be thinking about when I'm around her? I'm feeling incredibly guilty about the whole matter as it is. I must be a real pig for allowing myself to have feelings for one woman even while I'm in love with and committed to another... if only Maya wasn't such a knockout! Being sensitive to everyone's feelings is of the utmost importance here... I'd appreciate any advice out there, especially from the female sector. Thanks a lot, Mathaeus Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 It would be like saying, "I can't be your friend because you're gorgeous."--which sucks for everybody involved. And? I've said that before. It's the truth. It DOES suck for everybody involved, but it would suck if you DID stick around with her and be just a friend. It sounds like you don't trust yourself with her. Cut it off, I say. Be safe about it. Don't give yourself or her the chance to screw things up. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 I agree. You know you're attracted to her. Doesn't mean you have to shun her company, but cultivating any kind of intimacy with her would be setting yourself up to be compromised. Sounds to me like you're trying to find a rationalization that will allow you to do something you know you shouldn't. Attractive men and women can be friends, purely platonic. IF they're not attracted to each other. I have some male friends whom many women consider attractive. And, objectively speaking, I can see that they are attractive. But I'm not attracted to them. That's just how I am when I'm in love with someone -- no one else really catches my interest. If that's not how you are then you need to acknowledge that and behave accordingly. I don't think there can be a blanket rule for male-female friendships. You have to know yourself and be responsible for what you get yourself into. And in your case it sounds like Maya is a no-no, even as a friend... 'cos to some small part of you she's more than just a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
wisewoman Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 You are always going to be attracted to beautiful women. Just like us gals are attracted to gorgeous men. It's normal! We can't fight it. The answer to your dilemma lies within you... your values, the kind of man/human being you are/ want to be. Do you respect yourself? Do you want others to respect you? I have had similar situations many times and you know, when it comes down to it it is all about self control. Are you more important than your urges? Think of it as dieting. You have lost 30 lbs ( LOOKIN GOOD!!!) and you walk into a bakery for a coffee. Are you going to buy a lemon square and ruin all your hard work and commitment? Can you just buy that coffee and ignore the square? If so, be her friend. If you MUST have the sweet... end the friendship. However, you will be amazed at how strong you can be if you respect yourself enough. There is, however, nothing wrong with a secret fantasy once in awhile... Hey, I'm talking about the square!!! **wink** Link to post Share on other sites
mrlogic Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Dude your not thinking! If Dana was that good you wouldnt have this problem. Maya is hotter than Dana it seems. Dana you love. Maya has a good personality just like Dana. So this seems like you could love Maya too (maybe more if shes hotter). So I say go for Maya. Ill start a list for you and you finish it. Maya vs Dana super hot less hot good persona good persona potiontally love love now Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 It is possible to be friends with beautiful girls, that you are attarcted to, as long as you dont act you are fine. Most of my friends are beautiful girls that i am attracted to, but it works cause i wont do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Originally posted by mrlogic Dude your not thinking! If Dana was that good you wouldnt have this problem. Maya is hotter than Dana it seems. Dana you love. Maya has a good personality just like Dana. So this seems like you could love Maya too (maybe more if shes hotter). So I say go for Maya. Ill start a list for you and you finish it. Mrlogic, your logic is flawed. Plenty of people exist that are prettier than people we love, it's just the law of averages. You don't love someone based on how pretty they are--at least not if you want the love to last. Additionally, in order to advise someone to "go for Maya"--it would require knowledge of whether Maya would like to pursue a romantic relationship, AND it would require breaking up with Dana for no reason. _________ Friends whom you are attracted to are not "just okay"--Darkangelism, do you have a significant other? Is she okay with you being attracted to your friends? There's a difference between attractive friends and friends you are attracted to. Attraction to someone else leads, at the very least, to a preoccupation that distracts you from the one you love. It's unfair, and you need to tell Maya that you think you might have feelings for her, and out of respect for Dana you would like to limit your contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mathaeus Posted February 16, 2004 Author Share Posted February 16, 2004 There doesn't seem to be any consensus, which doesn't really surprise me, seeing as the voices in my head couldn't arrive at one either. Sigh... There was one comment a couple people had, about this being something you have to decide on the basis of your own personalilty and tendiencies, which I thought seemed plausible. As an individual, I'm sure to handle this situation differently than a lot of other people. I'm a pretty reserved, introverted person socially, and I set high moral standards for myself. I'm a bit of an ascetic in my daily life, the kind of person who always avoids the lemon square in other arenas, which means I ought to be safe--or does it? Because the same fact of my introvertedness means I have the capacity to be a bit of a social klutz from time to time--just because of relative inexperience. Chances are, I wouldn't screw anything up because I'd go with my old habit of doing nothing, saying nothing, betraying nothing--but can I count on that to save me? A woman is different from a lemon square. If I'm abnormally silent and reserved, what does that say? The way I see it, being silent could potentially do either of two things: 1. if she's especially perceptive, it could uncover me, or 2. it could convince her that I'm boring and not worth talking to. As for the second thing, if she thinks that, then I don't much care to spend time with her either. And the first thing... well, I don't think I've done anything yet that could uncover me, and that includes excessive silence. So far, I haven't managed to muck anything up at all! I've been downright congenial, and kept my poker face to boot... Am I the same clumsy, introverted person I've known since grade school? Can I start trusting myself now? Whoever said "know thyself" obviously didn't have a self like mine to get to know... Ultimately, the fact that I've worried this much about it probably isn't a good sign--I could just be subconsciously trying to rationalize something I know I shouldn't, as midori says. And I have to say, no matter what, as long as I can help it, Dana stays. So for now, Maya gets the cold shoulder... --Mathaeus Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Friends whom you are attracted to are not "just okay"--Darkangelism, do you have a significant other? Is she okay with you being attracted to your friends? There's a difference between attractive friends and friends you are attracted to. Attraction to someone else leads, at the very least, to a preoccupation that distracts you from the one you love. It's unfair, and you need to tell Maya that you think you might have feelings for her, and out of respect for Dana you would like to limit your contact with her. I do not have a SO, and attarction is just finding that person to be pretty or nice, if i keep my mouth shut it doesnt hurt anyone, its part of the look don't touch rule. I have friends who have a SO and are attracted to others and it works just fine, they dont tell their SO or the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism I do not have a SO, and attarction is just finding that person to be pretty or nice, if i keep my mouth shut it doesnt hurt anyone, its part of the look don't touch rule. I have friends who have a SO and are attracted to others and it works just fine, they dont tell their SO or the other person. Attraction is NOT just finding the person to be pretty or nice. I think my mother is gorgeous and compassionate, and I'm not the least bit attracted to her. Read my post again, this time with my definition of attraction in mind--Do you still disagree with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 ok, no i dont disagree, i misread what you said, based on your def of attraction you are right, i just define attraction differently. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Oh. Are you attracted to your mother? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Here's an idea no one has suggested yet. If you're sure Dana is your girl - then let her know everything you have told us about Maya, and keep doing so on an ongoing basis. Include both of them in the occasional lunch or party. Dana will let you know when and if you are slipping into dangerous territory. She will be able to exercise better judgment than you... Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Oh. Are you attracted to your mother? No, i dont find her attractive, if i met a girl exactly like my mom i would not like her, i mean dont get me wrong i love my mom, but she is overprotective, too liberal, and religious, too strong a personality, too tall for me. Besides the obvious incest knd of deal, i guess me and freud's theory dont work, cause im not attarcted to my mom. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism No, i dont find her attractive, if i met a girl exactly like my mom i would not like her Okay, NOW we've got a problem--Are you attracted to MY mom?!? *** I'm just playing with you. The discernment I was trying to make was between "finding someone attractive" and "attracted to"--beacuse there's a huge difference. You can (and will) find plenty of people attractive in the course of a relationship. But if you find yourself attracted TO someone else, you need to end that attraction, or whatever the catalyst or situation of that attraction is. Link to post Share on other sites
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