I worry about what he's doing on his computer

[yellowbuttercup]

Ive been together with my bf for 4 years and live in separate countries. To say the least, we see each other only once/twice a year. I know for certain that he looks and downloads a lot of porn. I've seen it on his computer and he has admitted it to me and says there's nothing wrong with it. I can trust him and know he would not cheat on me in real life but I still feel somewhat cheated on that he downloads so much porn. Like every day. Is it normal that he does this? Should I just be okay with it and let him watch it as long as he's not doing it in real life with another girl?

[Fouts]

What do you do to relieve sexual tension? Apparently he masturbates quite frequently to porn. Yes, there's such a thing as being compulsive with it and overdoing it, but on the other hand it's better than him sleeping with a bunch of other women.

[Eeyore79]

Don't you masturbate too? Men are more visually oriented; they like to look at something when they do it. It doesn't mean anything, it's not cheating; he just looks at it while he whacks off and then puts it away and doesn't think about it again. I'm sure you'd rather he rubbed one out than cheating with a real live woman!

 

Besides, if your bf is anything like mine he probably watches porn and imagines doing to you what the guy in the movie is doing to the girl. My bf sometimes emails it to me so I can see what he's been thinking about doing to me.

 

If you want to stop him watching porn, either record some of your own for him, or put the webcam on and masturbate while he watches. I guarantee he'd rather watch you than a porn movie any day.

[lovebugguy]

There's nothing wrong in downloading and watching porn. Every one does that. All men do that. And it is silly to think he's cheating on you just because he watches a lot of them. Men are horny most of the times and it's one way of relieving their urges. Plus, don't you think you're being unfair on him by thinking that he could cheat on you because he's into porn?

 

Don't worry about him. It's normal. You should look at it as a clean way to release his sexual urges. It's way better than having sex with another girl, right?

[madjac74]

My girlfriend watches just as much if not more porn than I do. We often have long convos and laugh about things we have seen. She always makes me smile when I get a random text like "I just masturbated :)" or "How often do you mute your pornos cuz the moaning is annoying?" I think if you are open about it and have fun with it then its completely ok. Of course it would never replace actually being together

 

Oh I wanted to add you should really rock his world and talk to him about it. Maybe download one yourself and tell him about it.He'd probably go crazy over that

[Space Ritual]

Ive been together with my bf for 4 years and live in separate countries. To say the least, we see each other only once/twice a year. I know for certain that he looks and downloads a lot of porn. I've seen it on his computer and he has admitted it to me and says there's nothing wrong with it. I can trust him and know he would not cheat on me in real life but I still feel somewhat cheated on that he downloads so much porn. Like every day. Is it normal that he does this? Should I just be okay with it and let him watch it as long as he's not doing it in real life with another girl?

 

 

Porn is not the issue....How do you know he would not cheat on you in real life? You live in different countries! Unless you can be with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week you have no certainty of anything.

 

That being said, any relationship is built on communication and trust. LDR's are difficult at best and if you are concerned about porn I submit to you that you have little if any trust since you wrote on this forum. Sadly you are just a member of the vast majority of LDR's...for very few of them ever work.

 

I suggest you date somebody you can touch and look into their eyes everyday. You are living in internet fantasy air. Go find somebody in your own town.

[lala82]

At least you know what he is doing with his computer. Many guys do the same and I do not think is a big deal.

 

The best thing that you can do is stop worry about this. Enjoy your LDR and focus on your life.

[yellowbuttercup]

Porn is not the issue....How do you know he would not cheat on you in real life? You live in different countries! Unless you can be with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week you have no certainty of anything.

 

That being said, any relationship is built on communication and trust. LDR's are difficult at best and if you are concerned about porn I submit to you that you have little if any trust since you wrote on this forum. Sadly you are just a member of the vast majority of LDR's...for very few of them ever work.

 

I suggest you date somebody you can touch and look into their eyes everyday. You are living in internet fantasy air. Go find somebody in your own town.

 

Why are you replying to a LDR forum when you're telling me to date somebody in my own town? You're obviously not in a LDR because you obviously don't understand any of it. I love this guy with all of my heart, and I would rather continue dating him online, than to give him up because of stupid distance.

[Els]

To be very honest, most of us have to masturbate to satisfy ourselves in LDRs - sad but necessary. Don't you? How do you do it? For some of us, porn is the answer. For others, other ways are used. I don't see how porn is any worse than any other form of self-gratification.

[lovebugguy]

To be very honest, most of us have to masturbate to satisfy ourselves in LDRs - sad but necessary. Don't you? How do you do it? For some of us, porn is the answer. For others, other ways are used. I don't see how porn is any worse than any other form of self-gratification.

 

You're absolutely right. And just because one uses porn to satisfy one's urges, it doesn't mean it's a probable cause for cheating.

[BlackLovely]

Ive been together with my bf for 4 years and live in separate countries. To say the least, we see each other only once/twice a year. I know for certain that he looks and downloads a lot of porn. I've seen it on his computer and he has admitted it to me and says there's nothing wrong with it. I can trust him and know he would not cheat on me in real life but I still feel somewhat cheated on that he downloads so much porn. Like every day. Is it normal that he does this? Should I just be okay with it and let him watch it as long as he's not doing it in real life with another girl?[/quote

 

I do not believe in long distance relationships, because they are based on fantasy. When getting to know someone, there is no substitute for spending time together. You cannot tell me that you know your man, if you only see him twice a year. You are both on your best behavior when you see each other; this is not a true representation either of you.

 

As for feeling cheated on with porn; spare me darling. How could it be cheating when he's not getting physical with these actresses or even talking with them? Most men do like porn, because they are visual. Hell, I love masturbating to porn and I'm a woman! However, masturbation pales in comparison to a lovely romp with Mr.BlackLovely. I'm certain that your boyfriend feels the same way about you!

 

It might help to find a relaxing hobby to occupy your mind. You seem like you have way too much time on your hands.

Edited August 12, 2010 by BlackLovely
Quote not proper?

[LisaLee]

I do not believe in long distance relationships, because they are based on fantasy. When getting to know someone, there is no substitute for spending time together. You cannot tell me that you know your man, if you only see him twice a year. You are both on your best behavior when you see each other; this is not a true representation either of you.

 

Riiiggghht. All of us who are in an LDR are living a fantasy. Even if we lived with our SO before and one had to move away for a job... or even if we spent countless hours on the phone/skype/text message every single day... or even if we see each other more frequently than twice a year... or if we are making solid plans for the future... or if our partner has seen the best and the worst sides of us... even if the distance is only temporary... no we are all in a fantasy, even under those circumstances.

 

Way to belittle and generalize a type of relationship, Blacklovely.

[madjac74]

I agree totally Lisa! And lets not forget those who have to leave their loved one for a year or more tour to serve their country. Besides Ive been in both types of relationships including a marriage where we spent ALOT of time together yet I feel so much closer to this girl who lives 900 miles away. If my LDR is a fantasy then I dont want to wake up

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't download any porn. Five minutes on Redtube and I'm done.

[aerogurl87]

Riiiggghht. All of us who are in an LDR are living a fantasy. Even if we lived with our SO before and one had to move away for a job... or even if we spent countless hours on the phone/skype/text message every single day... or even if we see each other more frequently than twice a year... or if we are making solid plans for the future... or if our partner has seen the best and the worst sides of us... even if the distance is only temporary... no we are all in a fantasy, even under those circumstances.

 

Way to belittle and generalize a type of relationship, Blacklovely.

 

I agree, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months, spent two weeks in person, one of which I was indeed NOT my best self as mother nature decided to make a visit and led me to be a complete mess emotionally for a day or so. My boyfriend put up with it though and treated me good still. I actually think people in LDRs have a headstart on being closer than those in relationships where they can see each other on a very regular basis. For one you don't have the physical aspect of things getting in the way of learning about each other on a deeper level and you have to learn to communicate more effieciently, so you get to know each other alot more.

 

Look OP if you don't like him watching porn grab a cam and cam with each other or have phone sex. I know for me I love looking at something when I'm horny and in the mood to take care of business. My boyfriend is the same way. Doesn't mean we're going to cheat though, just means we're both human with a good sex drive and a pulse.

 

I don't download any porn. Five minutes on Redtube and I'm done.

 

Haha agreed.

[Romance]

I know my boyfriend watches porn but is very computer savvy so he can easily hide/clean it up whatever. I really don't mind. Honestly, we don't see each other, he has some needs. So..I mean I'd much rather him take care of it by himself rather than with some girl from the bar.

[BlackLovely]

Riiiggghht. All of us who are in an LDR are living a fantasy. Even if we lived with our SO before and one had to move away for a job... or even if we spent countless hours on the phone/skype/text message every single day... or even if we see each other more frequently than twice a year... or if we are making solid plans for the future... or if our partner has seen the best and the worst sides of us... even if the distance is only temporary... no we are all in a fantasy, even under those circumstances.

 

Way to belittle and generalize a type of relationship, Blacklovely.

 

I know I wrote "when getting to know someone", which implies that what I'm referring to is people who barely know each other, not any of the situations you mentioned.

 

We are all entitled to our opinions here. I can believe what I choose just as you can. Sorry if you felt belittled.

[BlackLovely]

Porn is not the issue....How do you know he would not cheat on you in real life? You live in different countries! Unless you can be with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week you have no certainty of anything.

That being said, any relationship is built on communication and trust. LDR's are difficult at best and if you are concerned about porn I submit to you that you have little if any trust since you wrote on this forum. Sadly you are just a member of the vast majority of LDR's...for very few of them ever work.

 

I suggest you date somebody you can touch and look into their eyes everyday. You are living in internet fantasy air. Go find somebody in your own town.

This is just what I was talking about. I think that it's hard to accept this reality, when one is hell bent on living in a fantasy world.

Of course, partners can always cheat, no matter what the distance is. It's just that lack of proximity makes it so much easier.

 

I hope that those on Loveshack who choose LDR's, get everything they hope for. At the very least, an LDR gone bad will provide wisdom.

[Guitarjeff]

What you are doing is forgetting that we LDR folks get to know our SO mentally in a very complete way, far more than I ever have with someone when we could have the physical realm from the start. You say we are on our best behavior when we are together, but what you fail to understand is that we have already gotten to know each other mentally, including arguments, sense of humor, depth, understanding, limitations.... I know my LDR SO better than I have ever known any woman I have ever been with, and the physical realm showed me absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in her personality at all while we have been together.

 

We have seen each other twice in 6 months of dating for 9 days total, and I am headed to England on the 24th of this month for five days and five nights. We argue when we are together sometimes the same as we do over skype when we talk for hours. We have a blast making up too.

 

Seeing each other physically just adds an extra demension to our relationship. We have spent as many as 8 hours in one day talking on skype, and many times five hours and more. When we are together physically, the incredible, mental knowledge of each other drives our love making in to new worlds of passion because we are so connected emotionally. So I couldn't disagree with you more. I am 47 years old and I know my LDR SO better by far than any other relationship I have ever been in, specifically because it's a LDR. The phisical real didn't get in the way of us getting to know each other mentally like it has in previous relationships. You can sometimes be fooled by sexual contact early and think it means more than it really does. You find out later that you really weren't as close as the sex had led you to believe. But since that has not been in the way, now when we see each other, after getting to know each other so well, our romance and our emotinal connection are staggering to say the least.

 

We lay in the dark and listen to our favorite love songs, pput our hands together and slowly rub and carress each others arms slowly while the music is playing. Never have I known such depth with someone, and it's spicifically because we started out on a mental level first. So yes, I disagree with you completely and see this as a much more healthy relationship builder than the normal way. Try it sometime.

[temporaryvisa]

don't worry, it's fine. i understand how you feel completely, but listen..once you guys maybe move in and then have sex everyday or whatever, if hes STILL watching it, then its a problem.

 

oh, and send him dirty pics/videos of yourself!

[impz]

This is just what I was talking about. I think that it's hard to accept this reality, when one is hell bent on living in a fantasy world.

Of course, partners can always cheat, no matter what the distance is. It's just that lack of proximity makes it so much easier.

 

I hope that those on Loveshack who choose LDR's, get everything they hope for. At the very least, an LDR gone bad will provide wisdom.

 

Honestly, really? So, if two people knew each other online through email, then to skype and then discuss anything from the deepest stuff in their heart to the most frivolous things in the world, it is a fantasy world. However, if they do the exact thing in real life, it is a real r/s? Seriously? I will agree with you if the relationship never continued toward meeting each other as soon as possible, and I do agree with the spirit of your argument that physical proximity does matter. However, with the lack of physical contact, LDRs generally have a stronger emotional contact due to the level of communication transmuted between both parties.

 

I won't deny LDR is hard, but calling it a fantasy is just pretty much offensive. I guess part of the reason why your words disturb me is because I am in the exact situation you describe as a fantasy, and now I am happily married with the sweetest and most wonderful lady I have ever been with after 3 years of fantasy world. I think I am going to have a pretty good time at being delusional!

 

That said, I agree in the spirit of your message that I will NOT recommend anyone going for LDR because it is much tougher than usual relationships. You need to truly understand the person, you have to communicate much more in a r/s more than a normal r/s and you have to actually plan long term on how to end this distance between the two of you. It's a commitment to truly understand the person through words, actions and a leap of faith in trusting the other party. You actually have to be mature and decide what you want and need from the r/s. A typical generic r/s doesn't require that much commitment, devotion and strength. Hence, it's harder.

 

It's hardly your plaything. But it's ok, it is clear you have never experienced LDRs, and it's good you don't. It's not something I can recommend to anyone without probably analyzing the situation before speaking.

 

 

We are all entitled to our opinions here. I can believe what I choose just as you can. Sorry if you felt belittled.

 

Point taken but when what you say is awfully insensitive with little knowledge on what-the-hell-you-are-talking-about, it's better not to say anything.

Edited August 13, 2010 by impz

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't see anything wrong with it, although before I was in an LDR I used to think 'ugh' My partner looks at/watches porn cos we live 500 miles apart, he used it in his last relationship too which was also an LDR, he said he has no need for it if he has frequent contact with his partner (currently me). I haven't questioned him about it, he mentioned it himself and said he sometimes looks at stuff but imagines it's me, I'm ok with that

I wouldn't worry.

Some men/women use porn when living with their partners, I don't think it's a problem unless they were using it instead of being intimate with their partner.

[aerogurl87]

This is just what I was talking about. I think that it's hard to accept this reality, when one is hell bent on living in a fantasy world.

Of course, partners can always cheat, no matter what the distance is. It's just that lack of proximity makes it so much easier.

 

I hope that those on Loveshack who choose LDR's, get everything they hope for. At the very least, an LDR gone bad will provide wisdom.

 

Yes if you want to cheat on someone it'll happen whether they are near or far. But it being a fantasy world is where I have to ultimately disagree with you. The definition for fantasy according to dictionary.com is an unrealistic or improbable supposition or an imagined event or sequence of mental images, such as a daydream, usually fulfilling a wish or psychological need. So let's see are LDRs unrealistic? Some yes, then others no when both parties are working towards being together for good as most people on this board are (myself included). Secondly are they used to just fulfill a psychological need? Well yes, but aren't all relationships supposed to fulfill a need for companionship and intimacy. That is the point of being in a relationship long term unless you're goal is to just get laid.

 

So my point is, LDRs are not little fantasy worlds people create in their heads although you have a few that are. But those are usually the ones who spend years "dating" without ever meeting. Yes physical presence is a component of having a good relationship but the mental and emotional aspects trump that. How many relationships do you know of where people say "well the sex is good but we don't connect on any other level" and then they walk around being miserable with their partner? Or the men and women who cheat on their spouses because the mental and emotional components of their marriages are dead and they search for it elsewhere?

 

So yes mental and emotional connections are very important to a relationship and to honestly have a good physical connection that lasts past the lust stage you need to be connected on those two levels first and foremost. LDRs provide solid foundations for this to occur because all you have is communication and getting to know your SO on a much deeper level. In fact, I feel like the only two relationships where my SO's did know me on a deep level were the ones I was in a LDR with I got to know them (and they got to know me) on a deep level, so the physical aspect didn't get in the way. My boyfriend and I have seen each other's not so great sides, so it's not all rainbows and unicorns for LDRs.

[BlackLovely]

You assume that I know nothing about LDR's, however I have actually been in one.

I notice that there is often a lot of incorrect assumptions on LS. I've laughed when I've read assumptions about me or other people, especially when they are not true.

[aerogurl87]

You assume that I know nothing about LDR's, however I have actually been in one.

I notice that there is often a lot of incorrect assumptions on LS. I've laughed when I've read assumptions about me or other people, especially when they are not true.

 

Who are you referring to?