Where do you focus - The Kids or Yourself?

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

TANK - Your reply got me wanting to start this new thread as I think this could be a longer discussion and needs the proper headline.

 

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Keep the focus on you and your children. Dont really know how you were able to be in the same room as the OM let alone right beside him. That show your strength and convictions. Work on yourself, make yourself the best person you can be. Work on all the problems you have identified. Whats the worst that could happen? You could become more attractive to your wife and then you have the upper hand, or your better suited for your next relationship having grown from the terrible experience but being smart enough not to let it control you. Become the dad you have always wanted to be. Your children will make you laugh, and they will make you cry just with a simple question, but no matter what they will tell you they love you and they will know you were always there for them. they will know you provide the stability to their lives. I am fortunate that i have 4 beautiful children who i get to hug and kiss everyday, even my 14 yr old step son texts me every day and will tell me he loves me wether on the phone or in person, doesnt matter who is around. I have never seen so many of my childrens friends as i do now. I have become the dad that i never thought possible. You too can do this. I have stopped seeing my IC now and i am seeing my Priest. The IC helped me to identify my issues and work through them, i strongly recommend that you do this for your self. I now see my priest for the guidance going forward. This was not an easy journey for me and of late i feel like i am slipping back to ground zero, who knew that my wife could say simply "i miss you" not that she misses talking our doing things, just that she misses me. this road is long and hard. Focus on you first, then your children, in that order. If you can get yourself together, the children will recognize you and draw from you what they need to get through this time as well. I know i have been all over the place, but ihope some of it makes sense. My journey is no where near over, my wifes words have haunted me since friday, my children have noticed and they have been more cuddly, and more wanting of my time. Thats there way of saying dad, your here for us when we need it, let us be here for you when you need it. This could be the worst experience of your life, or you can find the positive and make it the best. for me, just connecting with my children, my family and my wifes family has been the best thing to happen to me so far. Please take some of what i have to say and hopefully you too will get something positive out of this tough moment

 

During what stages of separation and divorce does your focus change and where does it rightfully belong?

 

I am preparing to file for divorce and my focus is on the kids right now. Doing what it takes to get custody. Not because I am selfish, but because I truly believes it is the responsible and right thing to do and serves their best interests. God knows I fear being a single parent.

 

If I am fortunate enough to gain custody, I will have time to focus on me. Right now - that is not where I am. Is this wrong or clouding my judgment?

 

Thought others might want to chime in.

[tank]

Well Dad of 2, you have to work on yourself right away! If you cant be strong and confident in yourself the road will be much harder for your children. I dont know if my situation is uniqe but i think so. I have my Brother in Law who has lived with me for 5 years and he is 19 and my Mother in Law rents a 1 bedroom apartment in my basement for the last year. So my family dynamic is extremly complicated. The first month after i found out about the affair and my wife left i was in a fog. I went to Las Vegas the week after this happened for work. Didnt spend much time on work, was pretty much smashed the entire time, thankfully 2 of my best friends were with me and took care of me. they also made me do a 5 mile hike in the desert before i came home. I was reckless that week, i drank too much and got a tat. you know all the crazy stuff you do when you dont care. The drive home from the airport was the longest 3 hours of my life. When i got home, my children were so excited to see me. It still took 3 weeks for me to come out of that fog i was in. I did see my family dr and the MC right away, even though she stopped coming. My BIL and my MIL helped get me through that 1st month. Then my MIL kicked me in the a@# and made a point of doing so everytime i wasnt paying attention to the kids. I changed my routine, i go to the gym everymorning before work, i am home by 6pm at the latest, and 5 days a week i do all the cooking for my family including my BIL and MIL. I love it, that is what brought me out of the slump. My MIL was great, we spend a lot of time as a family, but i needed to figure out what was going on with me before i could truley focus on the kids. But i was able to get there, and i found one way to connect with them, there is something nice about your kids waiting for you to be home and if your with in the 6pm timeline they call and say "where are you?". The best is they actually have requests for food they want to try. We have turned cooking into family time. They will sit in the kitchen and talk while i prepare the meal etc. sometimes they help, but at least 3 of them are always there. I am not done working on myself, but i have stabilized my attitude and my well being enough i can focus on them. 2 of my children arent even mine, i battle with their father every other weekend. But those boys know i am there for them, and i will never let them down. Children need stability and they may not know it as a need, but they will gravitate towards it. My 14yr old stepson and i have never had a good relationship, since this happened to my family, our bond hasnt been stronger. How many 14 yr old boys will hug there dad (stepdad) and tell them that they love them every time we see each other regardless if there friends are around? Mine does, i need them as much as they need me. But by working on myself, i am able to provide the structure and stability they need. I have a ton of support, thankfully. If you plan on going for custody of the children, make sure you have a strong support network. I would never have thought i could do this, but my kid brother now calls me mister mom. i take that as a compliment. Just a word about the divorce, are you sure you want that? Even my own lawyer tells me not to rush it, her i can be divorced within 60 days for adultery, but he doesnt want me to push the issue. He said no life altering decisions for at least 1 year. Can you not come to some kind of separation agreement with your wife and spell out shared custody with visitation for you wife but you have custodial care? Okay, sorry for such a long post. just had a lot to say on this topic.

[BetweenHere&There]

I'm just going to make this really quick due to time...but I used to use all my focus on the kids....I found out later that I wasn't taking care of me which made it harder to take care of the kids....I would even go to say that by not taking care of myself mentally, health-wise and spiritually, I did my children a dis-service. Taking care of you first is not selfish unless it's not seeing them, spending time with them, putting another woman or man in front of them...that's selfish...but taking care of you in all other aspects is totally normal.

[PWSX3]

I have heard this saying used many times in Divorce Care & other such classes.

 

When you go on the plane they say to put the mask on you first, then help others after that.....(Or something to that effect, I don't fly much)

 

You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. That doesn't mean spending all your time on yourself, but to eat right, get enough sleep, exercise, etc. etc.....

 

I also believe even with kids you need to find a way to get out once in a while. Find a friend to watch the kids, get a babysitter, do something just for one night out. Maybe even every other week but get out.

[drewsmom]

I snapped out of it when my son said to me a week after stbx asked me for a divorce, son said mom you dont cook good dinners anymore, that was it, I started taking care of me, and my son. We are doing great now. stbx hates it to. We are never home always busy, doing day trips all over the place. stbx has a gf but seems so lonely when were out and he isnt with her. just yesterday he called my cell all sad asking me to call him, i did after a while and he says where you taking son this week I said to the amusement park, he says when i said thursday, he said are you going with anyone, i said yep brother and fam, he says oh cause i wanted to take him somewhere to. then he sat in silence, i had to say ok gotta go, he said ok im picking him up reg time tonight, which is 5 i said fine. silence again, i said gotta go. that was 1:30 he called another 3 times in which i didnt answer. I am taking care of us and the more i do with my son the better off i am, I dont think of stbx as much anymore because I am to busy taking care of us. I think he is lost now but thats not my problem.

[What_Next]

This is always a bit of a tough call. I know initially we talked to our daugther when my wife initially brought up moving out. We were open and honest with her and told her what was going on. I believe that was the right thing to do. However as things wore on and we began to fight and argue we both did not see how it was effecting our child. Eventually we both had a realization that the effect was drastic.

 

Since then I have focused more on our child. Focus in terms of trying to give her as much normalcy as possible. I've tried my best to ensure my time with her is spent wisely. With that being said I do continue to talk to her about what is going on. I don't want her to wonder how things are progressing, I want her to know for herself.

 

Lately though I have realized that perhaps I am focusing too much on her and not enough on me. One thing that I am aware of is my health, I am NOT taking good enough care of myself. In the end that will only hurt my child, not help her. It will be a delicate balance, but I will succeed. If you first focus on yourself, then it makes it much easier to focus on the kids.

 

Of course this all depends on the number of children and their age.

[movingon2]

This is the thread I should have started. I belong here.

 

About 5 months ago when I moved out with my kids boy 7 girl 3 I was scared to death actually. I had already been going to a councilor trying to work on me. I have taken responsibility for my faults and I am truly working on them. I found my self trying too hard at first to make everything perfect for the kids but I found I wasn’t getting any better. I changed my attitude a little and started doing a few things for me. I had already lost a lot of weight from stress and was starting to eat right and ride bike. I decided that was it, I was going to get into shape. I have been out of shape most of my life and drank too much. First I cut out the alcohol. This was huge! It totally cleared my head and I could control myself better and then I just got this will power I have never had before. Started to go back to church and started a workout program. I have been working at it for 3 months and I have never felt better in my entire life. I workout about 5 times a week. It’s not only great for my body but it’s a great stress releaser. I have my bad days but not near as bad as they were the first couple of months. The biggest thing it has turned me into the father I never thought I could be. I have always helped out with everything around the house during our 11 year marriage regardless of what she says now. I cook great meals all the time. Sometimes I like to keep it easy but one day my son turns to me while eating and said “dad you’re a great cook we eat better in this house than the other”. Let me tell you what, that is one of the best feelings in the world. All they eat at their moms is pizza and burgers. Kids like that for a while but not forever. I take care of everything all by my self cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school registration, hair cuts, and doctor’s appointments. I have even been taking my son to a councilor witch is helping. Anything and everything that we did as parents I have been doing all on my own and I love it! I think it really pisses the ex off because she didn’t think I could do it. I get to wake them up in the morning and put them to sleep almost every night minus the couple of nights she has them every other weekend. I do get out on times they go to their moms and that’s enough for me. I’m not looking to hook up but just get out and have a little adult time. It’s enough for me right now.

 

Sorry to make this so long but my point is if I didn’t start working on my self and got my own head straight my kids wouldn’t have any structure. Kids need structure. Sometimes I just have to tell my self “I am single dad, this is my life now”. Sometimes it’s like a bad dream then you turn around and it’s like why haven’t I been doing this the last 11 years.

[tank]

Moving on, that was great, i totally agree and keep up the great job! I too didnt know just what i was missing out on by letting my wife take care of the kids and the home. Dont know if i will ever get the cleaning up to her standards but the rest, ihave surpassed them all. I truley think that our spouses really think we cant do it without them. Well they have been surprised, and they will have the "what if" questions to haunt them, we wont.

[movingon2]

Yeah tank! IT’S AWSOME!!!!

 

To all men and women who have been hurt. Don’t let the other person bring you down. Pick yourself up and move on. It can be the hardest thing you have ever done but when you start to feel good again you’ll know you’re going to make it.

 

Workout – Eat good – Have fun with your children – Have fun by your self – Pray if you’re into it

 

MOVE ON BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T THEY WIN!!

[tank]

after supper tonight while cleaning up my 6 year old daughter looked at me and said "daddy, im glad you didnt go." brought tears to my eyes she did. That comment was a result of me working on myself first and that made me strong enough for the kids to draw from. i love this thread, it is such an important one. These 4 children are me, i would not have been able to realize my dreams and passions if i didnt have them looking to for support and stability.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Just a word about the divorce, are you sure you want that? Even my own lawyer tells me not to rush it, her i can be divorced within 60 days for adultery, but he doesnt want me to push the issue. He said no life altering decisions for at least 1 year. Can you not come to some kind of separation agreement with your wife and spell out shared custody with visitation for you wife but you have custodial care?

 

 

Tank - I stand up and applaud your commitment to your family. Thank you for your contributions and feedback as it truly does help me to hear and identify with others.

 

Allow me to be a little sarcastic (It's an issue I haven't made much progress on) while I vent.

 

Divorce - no I don't want that. I went in to this marriage committed for the long haul. I assumed it was the same for her. Obviously I have faults which destabilized our marriage, so much so, that my wife chose to find someone else to have her needs met. I believe I have truly tried to address the issues she has raised over our 17 years of marriage, but despite any progress, she hasn't seemed to forgive me for our differences.

 

Regarding the affair - when I confronted her and she admitted it, I asked for a few simple things. Stop contact. Be honest with me. A physical check up to include STD check. She finally got the appointment with a Doctor for Friday of this week after a third prodding and a month of no effort. As for the two more important items: she continues to lie about things which I have other solid knowledge to the contrary. And 2 weeks after the confrontation / admission there was continued contact and a visit to boyfriend#1's apartment.

I knew it was going to be a long hard road to reconcile, but I can't go on the trip alone. And I don't want to drag her along. (My way of addressing some control issues - I guess).

 

Given the above, I see the initiation of a divorce as the only viable option to get the separation we both need but are unwilling to offer each other because of the kids. Neither of us will leave the kids and the home. I won't because I did not have the affair and refuse to be punished for her mistake. She won't because she will not abandon the kids and cannot provide for them on her own.

 

I also am willing to accept where that separation leads us. Together or apart.

 

I have lived my life by some high morals and ideals. I may have expected them of my partner, but just as she expected me to be aligned with her values. I hope that my sons learn to set their standards high as well. I believe in my heart and mind that my boundaries have been reached.

 

I turned 43 today. Some life is gone but some is still ahead (Hopefully much). I don't believe I can waste anymore waiting on additional clarity. Hopefully, I am past the fog and not just fooled by it. (How do you know when you are seeing clearly?) {I think I'll start a post on that though alone!}

 

 

Kids or myself. I think the separation will be for the best both the kids and I given the situation. I know it isn't the ideal - but the ideal was shattered by the affair. I can't be the father I want living a lie of a marriage. I am not happy. I am not embodying my beliefs if I allow this to continue. If I thought the kids would be better with her, I would walk or openly talk towards an agreement. I am seeking custody and believe strongly that it the right thing for myself and my children. I am going to use the element of surprise to strengthen my position. I want her as unprepared in court as possible.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

BH&T PWSX3 - Your points are noted. I think focusing on the family (especially the kids) led to some of our issues.

 

drewsmom & What Next - I think I am closer aligned to both of you right now.

 

I started taking care of me, and my son..... I am taking care of us and the more i do with my son the better off i am, I dont think of stbx as much anymore because I am to busy taking care of us.

 

 

Since then I have focused more on our child. Focus in terms of trying to give her as much normalcy as possible. I've tried my best to ensure my time with her is spent wisely. .....

Lately though I have realized that perhaps I am focusing too much on her and not enough on me. One thing that I am aware of is my health, I am NOT taking good enough care of myself.

 

 

To : Tank & MovingOn2 and all the others who go before me.

 

Any shortcomings I had as a husband are not related to my being a father. I am going to be one of the best ever to my boys. I know its weird but Father's Day 2011 suddenly seems to be a milestone I am looking forward to reaching. Hope I am not setting myself up for another disappointment....

[BetweenHere&There]

I think that a lot of it has to do with how old your kids are as well....mine and PW's are much older than some of the other patrons here on LS. My son was pretty much fine with his father and I splitting up and came to terms with it pretty well....other issues happened beyond that which made it difficult...but in the end age of the children have a lot to do with how the situation is handled.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I have consciously thought about the flight preparation briefs on airplanes and mentally said "screw that! I will get the mask on the youngest first."

 

Like you said age matters.

 

Is there any absolutes anymore? {and NO - I won't start a separate thread on this. LOL}

[wrencn]

Moving on, that was great, i totally agree and keep up the great job! I too didnt know just what i was missing out on by letting my wife take care of the kids and the home. Dont know if i will ever get the cleaning up to her standards but the rest, ihave surpassed them all. I truley think that our spouses really think we cant do it without them. Well they have been surprised, and they will have the "what if" questions to haunt them, we wont.

I haven't asked my husband for anything since he left. I know deep in my heart that is throwing him for a loop because towards the end he would say I needed him too much, yada yada yada, well I ask him for nothing and it feels damn good!

[tank]

wrencn, you stay strong. Your dong it all on you own and i can only imagine how hard that is. I at least have a great support network. Were you ever able to develope one, or are you still it? I hope you have found a way to relieve the stress and anxiety, and at the very least you get a babysitter so you can go out, even if its just to run with the dog. Stay strong, we will all make it through this.

[wrencn]

wrencn, you stay strong. Your dong it all on you own and i can only imagine how hard that is. I at least have a great support network. Were you ever able to develope one, or are you still it? I hope you have found a way to relieve the stress and anxiety, and at the very least you get a babysitter so you can go out, even if its just to run with the dog. Stay strong, we will all make it through this.

 

Thanks tank. No it is still just me, but I'm going to be a better woman for it. I went for a jog last night- and I would like to thank my husband and that hoe bag EA of his for giving me motivation to keep running lol.

 

I have no doubt you will make it through this you are my inspiration! You have such a great heart tank, please don't let this divorce take that from you!

[HopelessinDTW]

Thanks tank. No it is still just me, but I'm going to be a better woman for it. I went for a jog last night- and I would like to thank my husband and that hoe bag EA of his for giving me motivation to keep running lol.

 

I have no doubt you will make it through this you are my inspiration! You have such a great heart tank, please don't let this divorce take that from you!

 

Wrencn: Good for you. Everytime I get stressed out (just about everyday) I get on the treadmill and run like I have never run before. I run for 20-30 min., and afterwords I feel so much better. Keep it up! I'm in the shape I was in about 10 years ago...more energy too!! I don't know how you can get through this all alone though? Are there any groups you can join locally. I have joined a Meetup group of people going through a divorce, and found it very helpful.

[What_Next]

I know we have strayed off topic, but I also found biking and walking incredibly helpful.

 

Like you wrencn very early on in this whole bloody mess I used my anger towards my wife as fuel to push me onward when biking. I don't think of it that way anymore, but I still have enough fuel in the tank.

 

wrencn, I admire your strength so much. Tank you to are obviously a person of very high character. Good luck to you both.

[wrencn]

Thank you W_N that meant a lot to me

 

Hopeless- I joined several meetup groups. I also joined the Separation and Divorce group but they aren't very active. A problem I'm running in to is that it is much easier to make male friends (they are friendlier it seems) but sadly they all seem to have an ulterior motive. I need people to realize I am newly separated. I don't want to get over my husband by getting under them! It is starting to make me a bit bitter towards men.

 

I need to start my own thread instead of hijacking this one but I'm to the point where I'm wondering if it's ok to withdraw for a while instead of trying so hard to make friends and socialize. Its exhausting and depressing- but I'm an introvert by nature.

 

So to get back on track- I'm trying to focus on myself first then the boys, but mom guilt is always there and kids don't understand mommy is a person, not just their maid/nanny/cook/chauffeur. I feel bad when I have to tell my boys I need some quiet time. I shouldn't need it, it isn't their faults my marriage is breaking up.

[tank]

Thanks for the compliment w_n. Wrenchn, i will say i do have a similar issue where as all my friends including my mother and mother-in law are trying to set me up. I go out on dates just to evolve my personality, i have a lot of fun. I havent walked, driven or seen so many movies in a long time. But thats it, i am keeping to my decision on nothing more than friendly dating. As far as the effect this has on my kids, well when i come home i laugh, i even tell the kids what i did, just say out was out with friends. I dont give any details about who and they respect that boundary. It is extremely healthy to have you time. I wrap things up with my children around 9pm and retire to my room, grab a book and read or go online, i spend a lot of time online at work, so at home i like to read. My kids will not disturb me for an hour, they respect that time. they are quite and when 10 comes around i go back to them. I know next week this will have to change as we prepare ourselves for the new school year, but routines can be adjusted. I will not give up my me time. I get the gym in the morning for 1 to 2 hrs and then my hour at night. the rest of my day is for everyone else. I really wish you had support, if i can help in any way just let me know.

[wrencn]

if i can help in any way just let me know.

You don't happen to live in Virginia do ya? lol I need to convince some relatives to move here

[tank]

lmao wrencn, I dont live that close, about 12hrs away. I would be more than happy to email with you or give you any support that i can. I am glued to this computer for at least 8 hrs a day so if your frustrated just drop me a line. dont want to post email address though, and im not yet able to pm anyone.