Why would she give me her number but not answer?

[DigDug]

So I asked out this really cute girl that works at a place I like to eat. In response she told me that she works a lot and she doesn't kno when she could go out but she asked for my number so I gave it to her. A few minutes after I leave I get a txt from her saying to save her number. So I'm thinking this is a good sign.

 

So I call her up a couple days later but she doesn't answer, so I leave a voicemail saying that I'd like to take her out to this place and that if she's interested she should give me a call. Well it's been a few days and I never got a call back.

 

Since I never got any reply from her, I’m really unsure as to what to think or how to act. Does this mean shes not interested? But that wouldn’t make sense because she gave her number to me. Is she playing some sort of game with me where I have to chase her down to get that date? Maybe she was too busy to reply or maybe she lost her phone, but I doubt it. So can anyone decipher this for me and tell me how I should approach this further?

Edited August 11, 2010 by DigDug
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[ConfusedAsUsual]

So I asked out this really cute girl that works at a place I like to eat. In response she told me that she works a lot and she doesn't kno when she could go out but she asked for my number so I gave it to her. A few minutes after I leave I get a txt from her saying to save her number. So I'm thinking this is a good sign.

 

So I call her up a couple days later but she doesn't answer, so I leave a voicemail saying that I'd like to take her out to this place and that if she's interested she should give me a call. Well it's been a few days and I never got a call back.

 

Since I never got any reply from her, I’m really unsure as to what to think or how to act. Does this mean shes not interested? But that wouldn’t make sense because she gave her number to me. Is she playing some sort of game with me where I have to chase her down to get that date? Maybe she was too busy to reply or maybe she lost her phone, but I doubt it. So can anyone decipher this for me and tell me how I should approach this further?

 

 

Give it 2 more days, and if you don't hear, shes not that into you.

[Raderick]

I created a thread like this a couple of weeks ago and the general response was that she didn't know how to reject you but she gave you her phone number out of courtesy.

[callingyouuu]

No, I don't think she's playing a game. It doesn't sound like she's particularly interested, although it wouldn't hurt to wait a few more days if you want. You don't really have a next step right now; the ball is in her court.

 

I'm usually wary of service people, since some use their attractiveness as an advantage in getting tips. In the future, just try not to get your hopes up before you seal the date. You'll be fine.

[zengirl]

Because she's human. Why do guys take numbers but not call? Why do women give numbers and then never answer? It's an ego boost. Or they met someone else or just got serious with them. Or re-thought. Or forgot about you entirely. Or are too wrapped up in whatever part of their own stuff they're obsessed with now to care one whit about your darn call. Really, it all goes back to the ugly ego, but this is one of its milder manifestations.

 

She's not into you, and it's not going to happen. Forget she exists. Really.

 

ETA: That said. . . I did meet a really awesome guy once and then drop my phone in a lake in the wee hours of the next morning. True story. I blame this on whiskey. He'd texted me, saying he'd call to set up a date the next day. Who knows if he did? I probably would've called him back, but I didn't have his full name or number and these were the days before major FB stalking was possible through friends. Still, I think this is a very, very, very remote possibility no one should ever, ever, ever consider.

Edited August 11, 2010 by zengirl

[jamesum]

Whats worse? Now you cant go to your favorite eatery again.

[Sphere]

It happens a lot, it's usually women who are too spineless to actually be honest, but you just have to chalk it up as a rejection and find someone who is interested in you.

 

Don't waste anymore of your time on this woman.

[Sophia8]

I would say that she's not interested, we've all been extremely busy at times but it only takes a couple of mintutes to return a call!

[zengirl]

Why not? In fact, I think he should go if he likes the food.

 

Totally agree. Never buy-in to rejection-shame. No reason to hide from the girl just because she was screwy about rejecting you.

[Green]

So I asked out this really cute girl that works at a place I like to eat. In response she told me that she works a lot and she doesn't kno when she could go out but she asked for my number so I gave it to her. A few minutes after I leave I get a txt from her saying to save her number. So I'm thinking this is a good sign.

 

It was a GREAT SIGN. At this point she was giving you a great chance. Do you realize how easy it would have been for her to get your number and never even txt you.

 

I always tell guys to GET THE GIRLS NUMBER because putting it all on the girl to contact you is unattractive ... but this girl contacted you so GREAT!

 

So I call her up a couple days later but she doesn't answer, so I leave a voicemail saying that I'd like to take her out to this place and that if she's interested she should give me a call. Well it's been a few days and I never got a call back.

 

You fool DON'T ASK PEOPLE out in a voicemail. You should have just left something short and sweet asking her to call you back. Heck just hanging up and calling later that day would have been better.

 

You want to put the girl on the spot when you ask her out. This girl is REALLY BUSY she told you that so when you ask her out it need to be for that moment. Like you call she answers and you say "Lets get something to eat tonight, I'll pick you up in an hour"

 

Use the awkwardness in you favor. This way she feels she has to say yes even if she doesn't want to. Once you start putting in FACE time an once you KISS her she beging to legitamitly LIKE YOU.

 

Since I never got any reply from her, I’m really unsure as to what to think or how to act. Does this mean shes not interested? But that wouldn’t make sense because she gave her number to me. Is she playing some sort of game with me where I have to chase her down to get that date? Maybe she was too busy to reply or maybe she lost her phone, but I doubt it. So can anyone decipher this for me and tell me how I should approach this further?

 

You have to make a girl like you for the most part. That is the way to look at it. I would't give up yet. Just try to get her to a quick lunch or dinner. And KISS HER. In the end who cares if she likes you or not. You have her number might as well use it until it becomes obviouse she doesn't like you (answers the phone and tells u to stop) or you get bored of trying.

 

I created a thread like this a couple of weeks ago and the general response was that she didn't know how to reject you but she gave you her phone number out of courtesy.

 

This might be the case but he should proceed as if he has a chance he has nothing to lose.

 

Because she's human. Why do guys take numbers but not call? Why do women give numbers and then never answer? It's an ego boost. Or they met someone else or just got serious with them. Or re-thought. Or forgot about you entirely. Or are too wrapped up in whatever part of their own stuff they're obsessed with now to care one whit about your darn call. Really, it all goes back to the ugly ego, but this is one of its milder manifestations.

 

She's not into you, and it's not going to happen. Forget she exists. Really.

 

ETA: That said. . . I did meet a really awesome guy once and then drop my phone in a lake in the wee hours of the next morning. True story. I blame this on whiskey. He'd texted me, saying he'd call to set up a date the next day. Who knows if he did? I probably would've called him back, but I didn't have his full name or number and these were the days before major FB stalking was possible through friends. Still, I think this is a very, very, very remote possibility no one should ever, ever, ever consider.

 

It could happen and having a who cares if it happens I might as well try attitude will only reward him.

 

It happens a lot, it's usually women who are too spineless to actually be honest, but you just have to chalk it up as a rejection and find someone who is interested in you.

 

Don't waste anymore of your time on this woman.

 

He really hasn't wasted any of his time. People play the lottery for the fun of it. Why not just try calling her a few more times until he gets bored. I find that back in the days when I was always afraid of being rejected and refused to put myself out there I DID SHT with women. Once I learned to stop caring about what I looked like and just call girls and ask them out ect. I did GREAT!

[zengirl]

It could happen and having a who cares if it happens I might as well try attitude will only reward him.

 

Sure, I suppose. All depends on what you're after. I wouldn't date someone who was up and down with contact because it doesn't fit what I want out of a relationship. But I've never felt a lack of options in terms of people to date or a need to be dating anyone if they demonstrated a severe incompatibility or flakiness so early on. I suppose I approached it with that view, but you're not wrong in a broader view.

 

If he just wants to hook up with her, and he can truly approach it like he doesn't care, then, sure, it could happen. I wouldn't bank on it, though. The "who cares" thing is a big part of it. Creating this thread kind of shows he does care. . . and that's not something that people can easily fake.

[Sphere]

He really hasn't wasted any of his time. People play the lottery for the fun of it. Why not just try calling her a few more times until he gets bored. I find that back in the days when I was always afraid of being rejected and refused to put myself out there I DID SHT with women. Once I learned to stop caring about what I looked like and just call girls and ask them out ect. I did GREAT!

 

He will be wasting time if he continues to pursue her. If she wants to get back in contact with him, she has his number, she can ring him. What he ought to be doing now is finding other women.

 

And you aren't the only man who doesn't care about rejection, that comes with experience, so you're preaching to the converted. My point was that he should just chalk it up as a rejection and move on. She is just a woman, one many and there are plenty more out there.

[Green]

Sure, I suppose. All depends on what you're after. I wouldn't date someone who was up and down with contact because it doesn't fit what I want out of a relationship. But I've never felt a lack of options in terms of people to date or a need to be dating anyone if they demonstrated a severe incompatibility or flakiness so early on. I suppose I approached it with that view, but you're not wrong in a broader view.

 

If he just wants to hook up with her, and he can truly approach it like he doesn't care, then, sure, it could happen. I wouldn't bank on it, though. The "who cares" thing is a big part of it. Creating this thread kind of shows he does care. . . and that's not something that people can easily fake.

 

Yeah he does care, and that is his BIG problem. If I read the OP right he waited a couple of days to contact her after getting the "now you have my number" txt. WTF that right there if it is true might be what screwed it up.

 

he should have just contacted her right away and tried to get her to agree to something. He's just so afraid of rejection that he wants to throw the power completly in her direction and then cry about it when it doesn't work out.

 

He will be wasting time if he continues to pursue her. If she wants to get back in contact with him, she has his number, she can ring him. What he ought to be doing now is finding other women.

 

And you aren't the only man who doesn't care about rejection, that comes with experience, so you're preaching to the converted. My point was that he should just chalk it up as a rejection and move on. She is just a woman, one many and there are plenty more out there.

 

Please its hardly a waste of time and relying on the woman to make the major moves in the begining like aranging a date is foolish.

 

I'm glad you are converted to not caring. But I think the trick to really not caring is giving it a good hard try and then not caring about the results.

 

Why should he chalk it up to rejection. She contacted him right away. At that point she was definetly giving him a shot. If he did wait a couple of days to contact her back that right there might have screwed it up. But there is something to be said for persistence, you only get rewarded for it. It really doesn't take any time out of his day to try to contact her a few more times. Time will make it obviouse what at this point to me anyways is not.

[Sphere]

 

 

 

Please its hardly a waste of time and relying on the woman to make the major moves in the begining like aranging a date is foolish.

 

I'm glad you are converted to not caring. But I think the trick to really not caring is giving it a good hard try and then not caring about the results.

 

Why should he chalk it up to rejection. She contacted him right away. At that point she was definetly giving him a shot. If he did wait a couple of days to contact her back that right there might have screwed it up. But there is something to be said for persistence, you only get rewarded for it. It really doesn't take any time out of his day to try to contact her a few more times. Time will make it obviouse what at this point to me anyways is not.

 

 

You are contradicting yourself. You tell him not to care and at the same time you are telling him to persist. Persistence means he cares, which kinda smashes your argument to pieces doesn't it?

 

He's rang her and she hasn't answered, if she doesn't call/text back, I'd take that a sign of LOW INTEREST. Why would any sane person waste their time with someone with LOW INTEREST in THEM? Tell me that, Green?

 

If she gets back in contact with him fair enough, he can start pursuing again (if he wants too), but to keep ringing and persisting is an act of a needy man, a desperate man and ultimately an unattractive man.

 

And I still maintain that when it comes to dating it is best to keep all options open. So while he hasn't closed the door on this woman indefinitely, he's put her on the backburner and moved onto other women.

[zengirl]

Yeah he does care, and that is his BIG problem. If I read the OP right he waited a couple of days to contact her after getting the "now you have my number" txt. WTF that right there if it is true might be what screwed it up.

 

he should have just contacted her right away and tried to get her to agree to something. He's just so afraid of rejection that he wants to throw the power completly in her direction and then cry about it when it doesn't work out.

 

The bolded part is a very good point. I didn't catch that in reading it, and I'm not sure if it's so or not. A fellow who waits too long to call me is unattractive to me. I hate the silly 3 day rule, and any man who observes it gets demoted. If I wasn't that into him, I might not call him back over it. Generally, I just tend to call folks on it, which weeds out the ones who are controlling from those who are just insecure about what the heck they're supposed to do when dating and grasping a bit (the latter doesn't bother me; the former does).

[Green]

You are contradicting yourself. You tell him not to care and at the same time you are telling him to persist. Persistence means he cares, which kinda smashes your argument to pieces doesn't it?

 

He's rang her and she hasn't answered, if she doesn't call/text back, I'd take that a sign of LOW INTEREST. Why would any sane person waste their time with someone with LOW INTEREST in THEM? Tell me that, Green?

 

If she gets back in contact with him fair enough, he can start pursuing again (if he wants too), but to keep ringing and persisting is an act of a needy man, a desperate man and ultimately an unattractive man.

 

And I still maintain that when it comes to dating it is best to keep all options open. So while he hasn't closed the door on this woman indefinitely, he's put her on the backburner and moved onto other women.

 

I think in seeking to keep an option open or put a woman on the back burner you sabotage all chances. Better to seek to put the woman in a position to reject or accept. I don't think it means you care if you just try to get a date going in a persistent manner. Carring to me means worrying about it or letting rejection ruin your day.

[zengirl]

I think in seeking to keep an option open or put a woman on the back burner you sabotage all chances. Better to seek to put the woman in a position to reject or accept. I don't think it means you care if you just try to get a date going in a persistent manner. Carring to me means worrying about it or letting rejection ruin your day.

 

Now I'm curious.

 

I think I get what you mean by not caring (though I'd call it "acceptance" since "not caring" sounds so uncaring, but that's me being a girl and a semi-Buddhist over here) but persisting. There is a difference about caring enough to persist, caring about the actions you take, and having caring or attachment to the outcome. What you can't worry about in dating -- male or female, serious or casual -- is the outcome, because you have no control, really. You have total control over your own actions, including your level of persistence, so you can care about that. Am I close here, Green? I'm sure we wouldn't phrase it the same way, but I'm curious, as I don't normally agree with you but think you're making some really good points here. If I'm right. . . that's actually totally a basic Buddhist concept. FWIW.

Edited August 11, 2010 by zengirl

[carhill]

So I call her up a couple days later but she doesn't answer, so I leave a voicemail saying that I'd like to take her out to this place and that if she's interested she should give me a call.

 

Next time merely leave a VM asking her to return your call.

 

If you really want to have some fun, since you like eating where she works, do so and ask her out in person while you're there.

[Sphere]

You don't sabotage any chances. If I phone a woman and she doesn't pick up, I'll phone another day, if she doesn't pick up again and doesn't get back to me, it is clear to me she isn't interested and I'll move on. If she gets back in contact fair enough, she might get a chance to impress me. What I don't do is relentlessly pursue a single woman, because most women aren't worthy the time of day and there are plenty more out there who will be interested in me.

 

I'm not afraid to drop a woman faster than I'd drop a very hot plate with my bare hands. She's probably no one special, there will be more women. Spin more than one plate, so if one flakes or isn't interested, you have another one on the go.

 

The only time I'll pursue a woman is if she is worthy of me, most women aren't, so that's not going to happen and hasn't happened for a while.

[Green]

Next time merely leave a VM asking her to return your call.

 

If you really want to have some fun, since you like eating where she works, do so and ask her out in person while you're there.

 

this is great advice. The in person ask out is the best. Her contact info is merely one tool.

 

Now I'm curious.

 

I think I get what you mean by not caring (though I'd call it "acceptance" since "not caring" sounds so uncaring, but that's me being a girl and a semi-Buddhist over here) but persisting. There is a difference about caring enough to persist, caring about the actions you take, and having caring or attachment to the outcome. What you can't worry about in dating -- male or female, serious or casual -- is the outcome, because you have no control, really. You have total control over your own actions, including your level of persistence, so you can care about that. Am I close here, Green? I'm sure we wouldn't phrase it the same way, but I'm curious, as I don't normally agree with you but think you're making some really good points here. If I'm right. . . that's actually totally a basic Buddhist concept. FWIW.

 

Worrying about the past or future is what I'm getting at. Just enjoy the here and now and avoid investing emotions in an outcome.

 

You don't sabotage any chances. If I phone a woman and she doesn't pick up, I'll phone another day, if she doesn't pick up again and doesn't get back to me, it is clear to me she isn't interested and I'll move on. If she gets back in contact fair enough, she might get a chance to impress me. What I don't do is relentlessly pursue a single woman, because most women aren't worthy the time of day and there are plenty more out there who will be interested in me.

 

I'm not afraid to drop a woman faster than I'd drop a very hot plate with my bare hands. She's probably no one special, there will be more women. Spin more than one plate, so if one flakes or isn't interested, you have another one on the go.

 

The only time I'll pursue a woman is if she is worthy of me, most women aren't, so that's not going to happen and hasn't happened for a while.

 

I don't think of it as dropping women. I think that whether I choose not to persue a woman or she persues me that has nothing to do with being worthy.

 

I just think he shouldn't really think about it and try till he is bored.

[Sphere]

 

 

 

I don't think of it as dropping women. I think that whether I choose not to persue a woman or she persues me that has nothing to do with being worthy.

 

I just think he shouldn't really think about it and try till he is bored.

 

You have an entirely different perspection to dating than I do which is fine, but I think your method is far more clingy and needy and ultimately off putting.

 

He should go out, forget about this girl and find another girl or two. He needs to be keeping all of his options open. Place this girl on the backburner and find some more women. If she returns the call, fantastic, if she doesn't, fantastic, he'll have more women to deal with.

 

Life is too short to waste it on the wrong people. A lesson worth remembering.

[zengirl]

Worrying about the past or future is what I'm getting at. Just enjoy the here and now and avoid investing emotions in an outcome.

 

Yes, that's basically what I live by. Many other things, too, I suppose, but that's the crux of it. Being present is the key to life. I don't think the suggestion is clingy at all in general, though I suppose blowing up the girl's phone would be.

 

I like carhill's suggestion too. Ask in person. It sounds like the OP and the girl were both doing the mixed messages thing. Maybe I was too harsh in putting the communication lameness all on her. The worst she can do is say no. If she says a firm no in person, I think he should move on, though. Guys who pursue past a firm no are tedious.

[Sphere]

Guys who pursue past a firm no are tedious.

 

Guys who pursue women who have already said no through their actions i.e. not returning calls are not men at all, they're women with penises.

 

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=176918, this thread is golden, it highlights what's happened here. I'm sure Green will disagree seeing as he likes to proverbially bang his head against a brick wall.

[LoveLace]

It's not a game, for sure. Likely she already might have had someone else interesting going on, but not attached so there was no reason to turn you down...however not interested enough to follow through. Happens all the time...

[zengirl]

Guys who pursue women who have already said no through their actions i.e. not returning calls are not men at all, they're women with penises.

 

I don't think it's going to work out for the OP, but if he approached with the right attitude wouldn't hurt to try. His particular way of advancing things in the first place left something to be desired, perhaps. And then plenty of things just never work out.

 

It wouldn't work on me. But then I'm a straight-shooter in this way. My communication is always clear and consistent, and I expect the same. There are many other people out there dating who want anything but clear communication. As I said, if he wants a LTR, she's a bad person to pursue. For this reason!