How do you forgive yourself?

[strawberrysprinkles]

I did something a year ago that I am very ashamed of. It is something that is against my morals. It was a very bad choice. I will never make that choice again. I know why I did it, and I have addressed that issue. No one was hurt but me, and I got what I deserved.

 

I believe in God. I have prayed for forgiveness. I hope He has given it to me. Why can't I forgive myself?

[Thierro]

You learned from it, you are only human. Stop putting yourself down. You need to be at peace with yourself. Understand that we make mistakes. We will keep making different mistakes along the way. That's ok, we can't prevent this.

 

The past is the past, let it go and put it to good use in the future. Believe in yourself, your own strength.

 

It's ok.

[skydiveaddict]

I did something a year ago that I am very ashamed of. It is something that is against my morals. It was a very bad choice. I will never make that choice again. I know why I did it, and I have addressed that issue. No one was hurt but me, and I got what I deserved.

 

I believe in God. I have prayed for forgiveness. I hope He has given it to me. Why can't I forgive myself?

 

 

If you are catholic, go to confession and your mind will be at ease

[WintersNightTraveler]

I did something a year ago that I am very ashamed of. It is something that is against my morals. It was a very bad choice. I will never make that choice again. I know why I did it, and I have addressed that issue. No one was hurt but me, and I got what I deserved.

 

You might need a couple more years. I don't know how bad it was but sometimes it legitimately takes a long time.

 

Alternately, there might be some reminder in your life, or someone else who has not forgiven you, who is making things take longer or making it more difficult for you.

 

Or all of the above.

[TaraMaiden]

I did something a year ago that I am very ashamed of. It is something that is against my morals. It was a very bad choice. I will never make that choice again. I know why I did it, and I have addressed that issue. No one was hurt but me, and I got what I deserved.

 

I believe in God. I have prayed for forgiveness. I hope He has given it to me. Why can't I forgive myself?

 

Because you feel guilt, not remorse.

 

Remorse makes us appreciate our errors, be sorry for them, and understand the wrong and unskillful nature of our actions. It permits us to make amends with a willing and sincere heart.

 

Guilt just weighs us down with schyt and stops us moving on.

Guilt is a perverse type of ego-trip. In a way, if we feel bad enough about what we did, somehow it adds a nobility to the regret we have for having done whatever it is we did.

 

I don't know actually if you are catholic, but I used to be.

 

I love that t-shirt with all the different religions' viewpoint of 'schyt happens'.

 

Roman Catholicism's one is:

If schyt happens, I deserve it"

 

If you think you deserve to keep feeling guilty - then do you deserve it?

[strawberrysprinkles]

Because you feel guilt, not remorse.

 

Remorse makes us appreciate our errors, be sorry for them, and understand the wrong and unskillful nature of our actions. It permits us to make amends with a willing and sincere heart.

Tara, I have followed your posts on Loveshack and I admire you a lot. But how do you know that I have no remorse? Respectfully, you can't possibly know that from what I have posted. I have learned from the grave error of my choice. I'm truly sorry I made that choice.

 

I have no one to make amends to but myself.

 

And no, I'm not Catholic.

 

Anyway, thank you all for posting.

Edited August 11, 2010 by strawberrysprinkles

[TaraMaiden]

You misunderstand my post.

 

The feeling you have may be utterly remorseful.

 

But your personal guilt is overriding your logic.

 

What you need to do is to feel the remorse without the guilt.

 

I suspect you are beating yourself up unnecessarily, when in actual fact, you should divest yourself of the guilt-trip, and focus on the aspect of remorse which enables you to heal and move on.

 

Whilst you still feel so much guilt, you are keeping yourself stuck in a perpetual state of self-punishment.

 

Have you not suffered enough?

How long are you going to keep harming your Self with this desperate feeling?

 

You have not as yet revealed what it is you feel so dreadful about.

I'm not even suggesting you do, as it's patently obvious you don't wish to go into details (otherwise, you might have elaborated in your initial post).

But surely it cannot be as bad as all that....

 

It depends, I guess, what you might compare it to...

 

I'm sorry if I did not make my comments clearer. I see why you would think I was accusing you of having no remorse.

What I intended was as I have outlined here.

 

Feel remorse, rather than guilt.

Transform the emotion from a binding negative one, into one which will release you to forgive yourself, and enable you to move on from it.

[Ronni_W]

I believe in God. I have prayed for forgiveness. I hope He has given it to me.

strawberry,

If the God in whom you believe is loving and merciful, then faith would have it that you have received His forgiveness. I would suggest, then, that you need no longer be in doubt of it.

 

And then you could ask: If God Himself is willing to forgive your misdeeds, is not your lack of self-forgiveness essentially saying that His will to forgive you is "wrong" or somehow misguided?

Also. If it is God's Will that we do receive forgiveness (redemption, salvation), then should we not be doing our part to fulfill God's Will for us, by giving forgiveness to our Self and to others?

 

Why can't I forgive myself?

From a more intellectual ("fleshly") perspective, perhaps consideration of the following types of questions will help:

How will you know when you have forgiven yourself? That is, how will your self-forgiveness change your life experiences? What will you think, feel, do, be, have and/or say that is different?

 

If you did forgive yourself, what is the worst thing that could happen? (What, if any, is the fear that is stopping you from giving yourself permission to forgive yourself?)

 

By withholding your self-forgiveness, how well, if at all, are you upholding and promoting the spiritual values that are important to you/your faith?

 

 

Finding true forgiveness can be a challenging spiritual journey and a complicated intellectual process.

I pray you God's guidance and companionship in both endeavours.

Edited August 12, 2010 by Ronni_W

[bac]

I did something a year ago that I am very ashamed of. It is something that is against my morals. It was a very bad choice. I will never make that choice again. I know why I did it, and I have addressed that issue. No one was hurt but me, and I got what I deserved.

 

I believe in God. I have prayed for forgiveness. I hope He has given it to me. Why can't I forgive myself?

 

I do not know the answer but I am just analyzing what you have wrote.

 

You state that nobody was hurt except yourself.

So, you feel guilty because you hurt yourself. If you hurt yourself, only you personally can forgive yourself. But, you can not forgive yourself. So, you have a circle of guilt limited to yourself.

It looks like a mechanism of defense called 'turning against yourself'. This is a mechanism of defense against some kind of anxiety in your life which is real but you can not handle it. That is why your brain uses the mechanism of defense to distract you from your real serious problem because it is too stressful for you to face it or understand it.

[strawberrysprinkles]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have much to contemplate.

[harmfulsweetz]

Acceptance is key. You need to accept the decision you made, and the consequence of that decision. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone at times struggles to forgive themselves, but acceptance of the past and the things that we can do nothing to change now is important, and will help. I think you need to appreciate that while it was against your morals to do so, you did it, and accept that choice, learn from it. You won't ever do it again. No one else got hurt in it. That's the best possible outcome.

 

Life is a learning curve, and sometimes we all do things that go against our own morality and belief systems. You have it in you to forgive yourself. There is no good to be found in dwelling on the past, it does no one any good, you cannot change it, it's a waste of time and energy. Focus on doing good, on using this newfound knowledge and experience for good, etc.

[GrayClouds]

The best way to forgive yourself is to choose to behave in a manner that prove to you that reinforces that what ever you did is not the person you want to be. Then it is your actions shows the world, and you, the person you are and it is actions that truly communicates what is in a persons heart.

[Eve]

I think it may be wise to share this secret with someone else. I would suggest a prayerline such as UCB since you have a faith that you maintain.

 

His mercies are new every single day sweetheart... if He forgives, so can you!

 

It is good to get into the habit of starting afresh everyday.

 

Maybe what is needed is a shift towards something more edifying to your faith, such as acknowledging there is fresh Grace for everyday within your prayer life?

 

If not, I would be concerned that somewhere along the line you have adopted a harsh inner voice towards yourself and this is what is stopping you from forgiving yourself.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited August 14, 2010 by Eve

[Green]

What did you do?

[D-Lish]

You're only human- you don't need "a god" to forgive you, you need to forgive yourself in order to move forward from the indiscretion.

 

We all do things that weigh on our conscience- all of us, religious or not. I don't have a religious bone in my body, but I have a conscience that rules me.

[Dooda]

Green, he's not gonna tell us what he did...

I think forgiveness comes from a sense of self-worth. If you feel you are worthy and you are confident in yourself, then you can forgive yourself because you know who you are and you know that you are only human.

Find yourself, then forgive yourself.

[strawberrysprinkles]

It's so embarassing. Our marriage was falling apart. We brought another person in at my now stbxh's request. I did it to please him as a last resort. It didn't work. I felt so violated. I thought we were discreet and careful. Without my knowledge, he taped it. My daughter saw it. She thinks I am a slut. I am not and I hate that my daughter thinks

that. I'm sorry I crossed that boundary. I'm sorry I was such a poor role model.

 

I can't explain it to my daughter because I can't even explain it to myself.

[wishing4thefuture]

It's so embarassing. Our marriage was falling apart. We brought another person in at my now stbxh's request. I did it to please him as a last resort. It didn't work. I felt so violated. I thought we were discreet and careful. Without my knowledge, he taped it. My daughter saw it. She thinks I am a slut. I am not and I hate that my daughter thinks

that. I'm sorry I crossed that boundary. I'm sorry I was such a poor role model.

 

I can't explain it to my daughter because I can't even explain it to myself.

 

I don't know that you have to. Being a slut is not the worst thing in the world! I think this is just extremely embarrassing for you. Don't worry about what your daughter thinks because she will without a doubt make similar decisions. So the best way to be a good role model is to be like, "well.. that could have gone better and was extremely embarrassing.."

[strawberrysprinkles]

It is too embarassing and now I am afraid of other people backstabbing me on other places on this sight.

 

Thank you guys for posting but I think I should not post anymore.

[Perhaps]

I hope I can offer some advice since I know what it's like to beat yourself up everyday over a mistake you think you made a long time ago. Sometimes, it's not so much the action but the motive behind the action that determines the consequence. Saying you deserve something means that you are authorizing yourself to penalize your well-being - mentally and emotionally.

 

This either goes one of two ways:

1. You either look back and say you did it to as a desperate attempt and though it may not seem like the best choice now, ask yourself, would you TRULY have done it if you could go back in time, without the hindsight? The answer, most likely, is, yes, you would have done it. Sometimes, we make decision based on how we feel, not how we think. And I understand that sometimes we make decision that don't exactly settle with our morals and ethics, but that's how we learn. You would think that all these proverbs and sayings that we're taught since childhood would make us the wisest people. But nothing teaches like personal experience. If you want to forgive yourself, close your eyes, take a deep breath and say, "I forgive myself". And that's that. Volunteer, help those in need - this will help you gain some positive thoughts about yourself.

 

2. If you truly believe that God controls everything, then understand that there was a meaning behind your actions. Who are you to decide how long your punishment should be? God has given you an option... choosing to be guilty rather than learning from your mistake is fallacy.

 

There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!"

[skydiveaddict]

It is too embarassing and now I am afraid of other people backstabbing me on other places on this sight.

 

Thank you guys for posting but I think I should not post anymore.

 

 

I don't think any body will backstab you.

[Anela]

If anyone should be feeling guilty, it's your soon-to-be-ex for making a secret video of the experience. You went along with something he wanted, in the hopes of saving your marriage - does she think ill of your husband, as well?

 

I clicked on this thread, because I've been feeling guilty over something that I can't change - not sex-related, but it still has me feeling a lot of guilt and losing sleep. My mother tells me to stop, but I can't rid myself of the feelings (completely)... I thought to myself a little while ago, that I deserve to be feeling the guilt, because I screwed up. At the same time, I realize that that guilt isn't helping me to make up for anything - it's just leaving me virtually paralyzed and depressed.

[Meaplus3]

I believe in God. I have prayed for forgiveness. I hope He has given it to me. Why can't I forgive myself?

 

Well... you know I have got to be the very worst at forgiving myself. But.. I can tell you this. Accept that you did something wrong.. tell yourself.. and perhaps even the person you hurt that your sorry... and let it be. It's a waste of mental energy to hold onto to wrong doings. Also very non productive.

 

Mea:)