When your partner lets themselves go...how do you tell them ?

[fit]

This seems to be a recurring issue.

My wife is in her 30's, attractive. Stay at home mom---2 kids. One is a year old the other is 8.

During the pregnancy my wife put on about 60 lbs which went down to about 45 after the baby. Since then she has tried some exercise routines and diet changes but never lasted more than 2 weeks. Shes not depressed (she has a pretty active social calendar and laughs and has fun daily), she has plenty of time to work out if needed. I share responsibility of raising the kids and give her whatever time she needs to do things for "her".

Ive done workouts with her---missed my own workouts so she could workout (because I know motivation is harder for her). I still desire her and we have a decent amount of sex and I try to treat her like shes the sexiest woman in the world.

However---because she has stopped working out (outside of maybe once a week) and isn't eating well, she seems to have put back almost all of her baby weight. The lack of motivation on her behalf is really frustrating. She wasn't always like this but she definitely is now. All her friends are overweight to some degree and all of her family is obese to morbidly obese. I thought I got lucky with the one family member who actually cares about their health but I'm beginning to think maybe not. Any suggestions ? I am pretty fit myself--no Schwarzenegger but definitely a good body.

Ive tried to approach this every way possible but nothing seems to work. She is VERY sensitive about this topic and hates the fact that she is overweight but doesn't seem to have the desire to make a change and stick to it.

Any suggestions ?

[SarahRose]

Your kids were 5months and 5 years or something like that in another thread.

 

Anyway you seem really unhappy have you tried counseling for your problems and if you haven't why not?

[Feelin Frisky]

I have a sister who used to look like Cybill Shepherd in her younger roll in 1971's "The Last Picture Show". Now she's a real oinker--sleeps till 2PM every day has to kids. I don't know how one really approaches change in someone else because it only seems right to them when it's their idea. Telling them is probably the wrong approach, using psychology to "lead them to believe" that it's critical is probably better. I don't know quite how to lead them to believe except showing your independence and perhaps some loss of interest in her designed to prompt her to ask what's what. If that doesn't disturb her, you're screwed.

[fit]

Your kids were 5months and 5 years or something like that in another thread.

 

Anyway you seem really unhappy have you tried counseling for your problems and if you haven't why not?

sorry---8 was supposed to be 6 and I am rounding up the younger one. Yes on counseling...didnt go well. Stopped going

[xxoo]

Ive tried to approach this every way possible but nothing seems to work. She is VERY sensitive about this topic and hates the fact that she is overweight but doesn't seem to have the desire to make a change and stick to it.

Any suggestions ?

 

Your title asks "how do you tell them?". Obviously, she already knows. You don't have to tell her she's fat.

 

If her body change is affecting your attraction to and desire for her, that is something you could tell her. I might be motivating, or it might be devastating. But it also very well might be necessary if you are indeed losing your desire for her.

 

But it sound like you are very attracted to her....so...really, what is the problem? What exactly is it that you want to tell her?

[InceptorsRule]

All her friends are overweight to some degree and all of her family is obese to morbidly obese.

 

This ain't cool. It means "morbidly obese" is her "normal." It's what she grew up with.

 

Lots of women think that once they get the husband, house, and kids, they can "relax" and totally indulge all their psychic inadequacies by compulsively over eating.

 

Then if the husband complains, the husband becomes the "enemy." Woman and her fat become united against the common enemy: the man of the house.

[fit]

well. heres the deal. She hates being fat, she beats herself up over it because she cant fit in certain clothes, comments about her "big fat ass" etc. I think she feels uncomfortable around fit women as she always makes some type of insult about them("she's fit but look at her nose","nice body but ugly face" etc. These women she says these things about are always very attractive fit women.

 

I find my wife desireable because shes my wife and I love her and I try not to focus on her being overweight---my attraction isnt based on her body--its based on her as a person. However the self hatred and the complaining and the lack of effort..is becoming a bone of contention for me. I dont care if shes overweight, as long as shes at least making an effort. Her relatives are morbidly obese and I fear she could become that as well as she gets older.

At that point I think it would be hard to be attracted to her--and its on that road. She hangs around said relatives a lot, and I think that makes it more OK as shes the thin one in that crowd for sure. When she was really fit they all just kept telling her how she looks "sickly" and that shes "obsessed" with being thin. *sigh*

 

If she had no control over this I wouldnt have a problem with it...the fact that she does and doesnt seem to care about something that obviously bothers her...is what really bothers me.

We did counseling--twice--this topic came up in both instances and we ultimately stopped going because she felt the counselor was "taking my side" and we were "ganging up on her". We had both a male and female counselor for the record.

Everything else in our relationshi is pretty good. We talk a lot, have fun and have great kids. Money is a little tight but thats coming along.

This is a big issue though..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

, by making certain comments etc. "She must not have any kids", . She needs a lot of re-assurance that I still find her attractive. Beyond that

[InceptorsRule]

Wow counseling didn't help?

 

You know the worst thing about women like your wife who let themselves "go to pot" is when they finally decide to lose the flab they end up doing a complete make over and then usually cheat on their husband. The poor schlump who stuck by they all through the "fat years" doesn't get the benefit of the "lean years."

[xxoo]

well. heres the deal. She hates being fat, she beats herself up over it because she cant fit in certain clothes, comments about her "big fat ass" etc. I think she feels uncomfortable around fit women as she always makes some type of insult about them("she's fit but look at her nose","nice body but ugly face" etc. These women she says these things about are always very attractive fit women.

 

So she's jealous and insecure.

 

I'd probably call her out on that when she does it, but add a positive spin. Something like, "You sound jealous of her. You really shouldn't be. You're incredibly sexy!" Build her up, but also point out that her jealousy is showing....and it isn't attractive.

 

I'd probably also talk to her, in a warm moment (cuddling on the couch, for example) about how confidence is sexy....but putting herself down (and seething jealousy toward other women) is not. Tell her you don't want to hear her insult herself. And then, when she does it, have a short, neutral response to remind her, like "enough of that" and change the subject.

 

It really sounds like she need individual counseling to deal with her body issues. Her body isn't (shouldn't be) a marital issue; it is a personal issue. Also, with her genetics, her upbringing, and her current insecurities, she may be at risk of dieting UP the scale--by crash dieting and then rebounding, and yo-yo-ing higher and higher. The healthiest thing for her might be to learn to love the body she's in right now and stay there. Pushing her to lose weight at this point may not be in your (or her) best interest at all, if you find her attractive now and fear her gaining a bunch more.

[fit]

So she's jealous and insecure.

 

I'd probably call her out on that when she does it, but add a positive spin. Something like, "You sound jealous of her. You really shouldn't be. You're incredibly sexy!" Build her up, but also point out that her jealousy is showing....and it isn't attractive.

 

I'd probably also talk to her, in a warm moment (cuddling on the couch, for example) about how confidence is sexy....but putting herself down (and seething jealousy toward other women) is not. Tell her you don't want to hear her insult herself. And then, when she does it, have a short, neutral response to remind her, like "enough of that" and change the subject.

 

It really sounds like she need individual counseling to deal with her body issues. Her body isn't (shouldn't be) a marital issue; it is a personal issue. Also, with her genetics, her upbringing, and her current insecurities, she may be at risk of dieting UP the scale--by crash dieting and then rebounding, and yo-yo-ing higher and higher. The healthiest thing for her might be to learn to love the body she's in right now and stay there. Pushing her to lose weight at this point may not be in your (or her) best interest at all, if you find her attractive now and fear her gaining a bunch more.

 

Some good advice. BUT...if she were able to "stay there" she wouldn't have put on the last 10 lbs she has put on in the last month or two. As someone who has been fit in the last 2 years...shes never going to love her current body. If she were this way her whole life it would be one thing but this is the heaviest she has been since I have known her. I've never been heavy or ever self medicated with food so I have no idea what its like. Not sure what the answer is here...but 75 percent of our country is overweight just about so I am not alone.

And honestly "staying there" is not just about her looks...its her health. She is medically obese. Id like her to be around as long as possible you know ?

Unfortunately any mention of her weight would be pretty crushing coming from me. Been there...done that. But I may have to revisit it again...

[D-Lish]

Personally, if it was me, I'd want my H to tell me- it would motivate me to lose the weight. I'd want him to treat it like any other issue and address it head on.

[Enema]

I'd be blunt.

 

Do the thing that women often say: Honey, we need to have a talk.

 

Then, explain that her weight and her resulting attitude is making you feel less attracted to her and you want her to make a real effort to do something about it. I'll help in any way I can, but something needs to change before it's too late.

[just_some_guy]

Honestly, put it out there. Be ready for the fighting and arguing and all the yelling. Hold your ground, be a man and say what is important to you.

 

It will suck, and it may not work, but if it bothers you get it out there and deal with it.

[D-Lish]

I'd be blunt.

 

Do the thing that women often say: Honey, we need to have a talk.

 

Then, explain that her weight and her resulting attitude is making you feel less attracted to her and you want her to make a real effort to do something about it. I'll help in any way I can, but something needs to change before it's too late.

 

I agree with this. You have to hit the problem head on, because it's only going to get worse otherwise. I certainly wouldn't wait until she piles on another 50lbs before addressing this issue.

[carhill]

I did talk about fitness and supported WW and whatever other program stbx tried and approached the weight issue from a health standpoint (diabetes, heart disease, etc) and included myself in the process, as opposed to waving a finger and pointing. Just more fodder for the divorce cannon I suppose, when it came time for her to rewrite the marriage. I've noticed, when we've gotten together to process the divorce stuff, she's lost some weight (she was heavy when I met and married her) but I haven't commented on it. We're not together anymore, praise the lord.

 

The only advantage you have, OP, is you have kids. They might keep her around if she would otherwise go.

 

In the future, I'll be direct and supportive and will not get involved with a woman with a vastly different family background. Lesson learned.

[Corporate]

Well, telling her that is FAT is definately not going to help for sure.

[D-Lish]

Well, telling her that is FAT is definately not going to help for sure.

 

Well, that would be a bad opening statement, agreed.

[whichwayisup]

This seems to be a recurring issue.

My wife is in her 30's, attractive. Stay at home mom---2 kids. One is a year old the other is 8.

During the pregnancy my wife put on about 60 lbs which went down to about 45 after the baby. Since then she has tried some exercise routines and diet changes but never lasted more than 2 weeks. Shes not depressed (she has a pretty active social calendar and laughs and has fun daily), she has plenty of time to work out if needed. I share responsibility of raising the kids and give her whatever time she needs to do things for "her".

Ive done workouts with her---missed my own workouts so she could workout (because I know motivation is harder for her). I still desire her and we have a decent amount of sex and I try to treat her like shes the sexiest woman in the world.

However---because she has stopped working out (outside of maybe once a week) and isn't eating well, she seems to have put back almost all of her baby weight. The lack of motivation on her behalf is really frustrating. She wasn't always like this but she definitely is now. All her friends are overweight to some degree and all of her family is obese to morbidly obese. I thought I got lucky with the one family member who actually cares about their health but I'm beginning to think maybe not. Any suggestions ? I am pretty fit myself--no Schwarzenegger but definitely a good body.

Ive tried to approach this every way possible but nothing seems to work. She is VERY sensitive about this topic and hates the fact that she is overweight but doesn't seem to have the desire to make a change and stick to it.

Any suggestions ?

 

Every night you two go for walks..Together. It'll be fun and she'll have exercise.

 

Change the eating routine. No more junk food in the house, no eating late at night. Snacking is healthier food. Buy healthier food and be aware of sodium intake, fat count etc. Instead of white bread, white pasta, switch to whole wheat or rye. Stay away from process foods, fast foods etc.

 

Be honest, be gentle.. Tell her you love her and don't want to lose her. Let her know that you're afraid of health issues down the road if she isn't careful now. Turn it into a positive and honest talk rather than one saying she needs to lose weight and she feels bad about herself.

[whichwayisup]

However the self hatred and the complaining and the lack of effort..is becoming a bone of contention for me.

 

Tell her in a loving way that she needs to go talk to someone so she can gain self confidence and learn to love herself. Whatever issues she has, fears, anxieties, stuff from her past, being teased, or feeling insecure around other women can be fixed by talking about it with a therapist. She needs to learn coping skills, gain confidence and have faith/trust. Not to care what others think..

 

Don't tell her you're finding her unattractive because of her attitude. Don't bring sex or intimacy into this.. Come out and tell her that it's just starting to bug you because anything you do or say isn't helping and it's pissing you off. She needs to do this for herself, as well as for the kids! What they see is what they learn, especially if you two have girls.

[mem11363]

Somehow my W and I have BOTH bought into this idea that when you marry - you merge EVERYTHING, hearts, souls, finances, extended families AND bodies. May sound odd but she thinks of HER body as OUR body. As do I. Yes that also means my body is OUR body also. So this fitness thing is just a natural extension of that. So when I ask her to walk with me - which we do a lot, or go to the gym unless she has an unworkable schedule conflict she joins me. When we groc shop we avoid foods that tempt us. We just don't buy them.

 

Every night you two go for walks..Together. It'll be fun and she'll have exercise.

 

Change the eating routine. No more junk food in the house, no eating late at night. Snacking is healthier food. Buy healthier food and be aware of sodium intake, fat count etc. Instead of white bread, white pasta, switch to whole wheat or rye. Stay away from process foods, fast foods etc.

 

Be honest, be gentle.. Tell her you love her and don't want to lose her. Let her know that you're afraid of health issues down the road if she isn't careful now. Turn it into a positive and honest talk rather than one saying she needs to lose weight and she feels bad about herself.

[djhall]

I don't suppose buying her a treadmill for her birthday would go over well, eh?

[Jilly Bean]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t238672/

 

Hasn't this already been discussed?

[martini-mae]

Well, telling her that is FAT is definately not going to help for sure.

 

EXACTLY!!!! Not a good idea at all.

Women, as we age, put on weight. For some it's easy for it to just fall off. Others, not so much. Some that gain a large amount in pregnancy have difficulties getting off the baby weight - others are back down to their original size before they leave the hospital (I hate them - LOL)

 

Be supportive in her endeavors to lose weight, give her positive reinforcement. DO NOT TELL HER SHE IS FAT!! Holy Crap.

[InceptorsRule]

I don't suppose buying her a treadmill for her birthday would go over well, eh?

 

It will if it's made of chocolate.

[InceptorsRule]

EXACTLY!!!! Not a good idea at all.

Women, as we age, put on weight. For some it's easy for it to just fall off. Others, not so much. Some that gain a large amount in pregnancy have difficulties getting off the baby weight - others are back down to their original size before they leave the hospital (I hate them - LOL)

 

Be supportive in her endeavors to lose weight, give her positive reinforcement. DO NOT TELL HER SHE IS FAT!! Holy Crap.

 

Actually this is an emergency situation. One of fit's posts indicates she's put on 10 pounds in the last month or two. IOW at this point she's essentially compulsively eating herself to death.

 

Not being upfront, and blunt, to the point of seeming brutal about it, can only be interpreted as "enabling" behavior.

 

That twinkie in fit's wife's hand is like a crack pipe in an addict's hand. She's addicted to food. You don't play nicey-nicey with a crack addict. You smack that crack pipe down on the ground and crush it under your heel. You don't worry about hurting the crack addict's feelings, either.

 

It should never have gotten this far, but it did. Desperate times justify desperate measures.