When your partner lets themselves go...how do you tell them ?

[whichwaytogo]

Every night you two go for walks..Together. It'll be fun and she'll have exercise.

 

Change the eating routine. No more junk food in the house, no eating late at night. Snacking is healthier food. Buy healthier food and be aware of sodium intake, fat count etc. Instead of white bread, white pasta, switch to whole wheat or rye. Stay away from process foods, fast foods etc.

 

 

i completely agree with this. i would make it about you~saying that YOU want to get healthier and need her help with it. ask her if you guys could do it as a team effort. that takes the accusations out of it.

[New_Life08]

Some words to the wise...this may be a little long but I have been on all sides of this situation and I just want to give you some friendly female pointers.

 

Do not give your wife any inkling that you are one iota turned off by her weight issue. You can let her know in a positive way. Since she brings it up a lot, that is your opening. But with this be careful how you approach her. It would be comparable to her talking to you about your penis being too small and she would enjoy sex more if you got it enlarged....it would be belittling and ego crushing for most people and understandably so.

 

Give her your undivided attention, get close to her and look into her eyes, let her know you love and desire her. Let her know you can tell her weight bothers her and what bothers you is how critical she is of herself. Let her know that whatever it takes you want the woman back who turned you on with her self confidence. If she can gain her confidence back, weight loss will usually follow.

 

You and I both know physical appearance is a big issue, but don't feel you have to say it ... give her some credit that deep down she already knows. It will be smoother if you make her negative self image the issue.

 

FYI...whether she cuts down other women or not is irrelevant. Of course she picks at them, she is begging for reassurance from you. She wants to know she is desired and still number one. Women who gain weight later in life still have a slimmer self image inside. If we notice our partner withhold or catch them looking at our body differently, and ogling other women more than usual can chip away at self worth and hope.

 

But, there is one very important reason to be supportive and patient; she may get on that bandwagon and get the weight off, but the heart remembers how you made her feel. These are usually the ones who wind up leaving. The thing about women is that we feel our weaknesses to the same capacity as we feel our strengths; hence, all the complaints about our emotional imbalances.

 

I know it may seem like a pain to tiptoe around the issue, but with this it would be wise of you to approach with all of the tact you can muster. It is not fun being on either side and tough to get on the same page when it comes to issues that cannot be changed overnight.

 

I am not placing blame on you when I say this...But, if she felt confident that you love and desire her unconditionally, she would not pick on hot women. For some reason she views them as her competition, and when that happens (fat or skinny) you have to look at yourself and what you may or may not be doing to contribute to her insecurities. Not saying you are ... but it is something you want to think about.

 

Lastly, it would be lethal for you to tell her she cuts other women down because she is jealous. Sometimes it is just better to be happy than to be right.

 

All my best...

[Holding-On]

Maybe you can arm yourself with the "for the kids" argument about having junk food out of the house and modeling healthy eating and activity together. Such as you all go for a walk together after supper or when you get home or whatever.

Maybe if you point out the health problems that her obese relatives are having and talk about how you want the kids to have a chance not to go that route and her to be around a long time cause you love her so?

 

I know it sucks. My husband, did lose the 60lbs he gained with my pregnancies (eventually ) but it had nothing to do with me. He had to decide on his own (I am honestly not sure what it was that made him decide to start reducing portion size).

 

Even so he talks about doing more activity with the kids but in practice he is more content to let them sit in front of the video games. So in my household, I am more the motivator to make sure they get at least an hour of exercise. That unfortunately is going to be your job since you care more. Focus on your kids and make it a joint venture about them.

[carhill]

Yep, and then she divorces you. Happy

 

The lesson is, IMO, don't compromise healthy boundaries, whatever they are, to be in a relationship or marriage. Sometimes it's just better to let it go. Empathy, compassion and support are great ideals, but do not sacrifice oneself at the altar of another. Words to the wise.

 

BTW, stbx did make comments about 'penis size' and a whole host of other things which causes me to look at the first line of this post again and reflect upon the health of that decision. I hope the OP makes a decision which is healthy for him. I think re-visiting his first thread on LS could be instructive.

[2sure]

"There can only be one fat person in this relationship...and its going to be ME."

[PortuguesePrincess80]

sorry---8 was supposed to be 6 and I am rounding up the younger one. Yes on counseling...didnt go well. Stopped going

 

 

Sorry but theres a huge difference in a lady having a baby 5 months ago as opposed to a year ago! Feel bad for your wife...seriously!

[fit]

To those of you suggesting walks in the park. Not gonna get it done...she does stuff but she needs hardcore exercise. We do take walks---she occasionally runs adn does workout DVD's. We also have relatively healthy food in the house. However---I think she eats 3 LARGE meals a day. Instead of breaking things up into smaller meals. This I think is the problem. I will keep in mind some of the suggestions here. If she cant lose weight while being at home I have no idea how shes going to lose when she goes back to work. Perhaps I am giving the impression that she lays on a couch all day. She doesnt...she does exercise maybe twice a wekk and chases around our kids. My guess is its the diet...not because its unhealthy food, but wayyy too much of it. She must gorge when I am not around I guess. How can I know when I am working you know ?

Edited August 12, 2010 by fit

[2sunny]

To those of you suggesting walks in the park. Not gonna get it done...she does stuff but she needs hardcore exercise. We do take walks---she occasionally runs adn does workout DVD's. We also have relatively healthy food in the house. However---I think she eats 3 LARGE meals a day. Instead of breaking things up into smaller meals. This I think is the problem. I will keep in mind some of the suggestions here. If she cant lose weight while being at home I have no idea how shes going to lose when she goes back to work. Perhaps I am giving the impression that she lays on a couch all day. She doesnt...she does exercise maybe twice a wekk and chases around our kids. My guess is its the diet...not because its unhealthy food, but wayyy too much of it. She must gorge when I am not around I guess. How can I know when I am working you know ?

 

it is possible that she knows what a control freak you are - and this is her way of controlling the one thing she id capable of controlling...

 

she probably also wants to check you and see if you really love her for her - or for the way she could look for you.

 

if you really can only love her if she is miss perfect/slim/pretty - then leave her now. it's only going to get worse as you both age. if your love is based on superficial things with her - you need to question how much you are capable of loving her.

 

how much do you love her? or is it her looks that you have as a basis of how much you love her/ and how much you treat her with kindness and respect...

 

does it change as she gains/loses?

 

she may be feeling your judgment - and not digging it. some women retaliate and tend to get defiant... just saying what harms judgment can bring to a relationship.

 

love is not meant to be so judgmental. she shouldn't have to do it for you - but for her.

[Corporate]

Don't ever say "Fatty, come to Daddy!"

[2sunny]

this background may help others...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t225005/

 

i smell an agenda...

[carhill]

OP, for balance, what were/are *your* responsibilities for the dynamic, as enumerated in counseling? You said 'it didn't work' or words to that effect. Regardless, part of effective counseling is owning one's responsibilities and perspective. I'm assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that counseling didn't work out because of your wife. What really went on in there and exactly how many sessions did you attend? Also, remind me how her physical went. What health issues were identified and/or dismissed?

[fit]

this background may help others...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t225005/

 

i smell an agenda...

 

Really ? And what might that agenda be ? That I'm unhappy with my wifes weight gain ? That Id like a partner who would make an effort ?

That I was unhappy with her decision at the time to not work ?

That I am looking for the best way to approach her without hurting her feelings ? Enlighten me...

[fit]

OP, for balance, what were/are *your* responsibilities for the dynamic, as enumerated in counseling? You said 'it didn't work' or words to that effect. Regardless, part of effective counseling is owning one's responsibilities and perspective. I'm assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that counseling didn't work out because of your wife. What really went on in there and exactly how many sessions did you attend? Also, remind me how her physical went. What health issues were identified and/or dismissed?

 

About 10 sessions or so, 2 different counselors. When I bought up the elephant in the room with the one counselor...her lack of caring about her appearance and the counselor agreed with me in the sense that both people in the marriage should make an effort to be attractive to each other she felt he was "siding" with me and ganging up on her so we stopped going. My part of this was to be a better listener and give her time to herself ...which she said she didnt have. Turns out the extra time she gets doesn't matter. She would rather look at facebook then exercise.

[ufo8mycat]

That I am looking for the best way to approach her without hurting her feelings ? Enlighten me...

 

You have been given some great advice in this and previous threads and you have dissmissed most suggestions as unworkable. New_life08 I thought had a good approach. What is the harm in trying. I understand that walking doesn't cut it for you but maybe it does for her?

 

Your threads about your wife read as though you have little respect for her and won't until she becomes the person you want.

 

She had a baby less than a year ago. What is your timeframe for her being back to the weight that is acceptable to you?

 

This relationship reads to have a really passive aggresive undertone. I am not sure what advice you are seeking that hasn't already been given?

[carhill]

About 10 sessions or so, 2 different counselors.

 

That's some pretty substantial work. Have you seen any movement in yourself as a result, perhaps aspects of your personality or behavior which have changed? Enumerate them.

 

Do you think she is elementally incompatible with you, or not? Do you have that clarity yet?

 

Tell me a positive action she has performed to show willingness to work on the M and bend. I'm sure there's been one. Balance demands acknowledging it.

 

When you listen, can you accept what you hear? Why?

 

If you were to share the most prominently felt aspect of this dynamic, you would tell us 'I feel ____________' (what?)

 

As an example, in our dynamic, I clearly shared that 'I feel abandoned and unappreciated and that is unacceptable. I can't live like this anymore'

[2sunny]

Really ? And what might that agenda be ? That I'm unhappy with my wifes weight gain ? That Id like a partner who would make an effort ?

That I was unhappy with her decision at the time to not work ?

That I am looking for the best way to approach her without hurting her feelings ? Enlighten me...

 

your agenda is to change her. knowing that you have the evidence to show that this hasn't worked for you - it may be useful to try the opposite.

 

what you may want to consider is changing YOU. can you change enough to be accepting of her? if YOU can't - then it is only fair to her and your marriage to be honest with her and tell her it's not working for YOU.

 

if you intend to place negative, judgmental energy toward her instead of love and acceptance - you are doing the marriage no favors.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and her choices. Very often the response is a veiled "you made your bed, now lie in it".

 

It is very difficult to address the "elephant" in the room and the advice is usually the same, with defense to the woman/mother.

 

So I admit, put the shoe on the other foot. Sexy spouse puts on significant weight, doesn't commit to losing it (walks don't cut it), and forgoes six-figure income to stay at home with the children. Note I am not questioning the choice, just playing the scenario through..... Same if male becomes a stay at home dad and packs on the pounds...

 

How should the spouse feel???? What do they want as the end game and out of the marriage/family.

 

Again I go back to a post months ago where a woman admitted to gaining 60 lbs and her husband saying it turned him off and she wanted SEX.... The back and forth on a 500 post thread had many supporting the woman and claiming it was his problem and he was selfish....

 

I saw it as her problem (as did others) and unfortunately it is sad when it comes down to this base requirement of attractiveness.....

Edited August 13, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[hopeful1980]

To those of you suggesting walks in the park. Not gonna get it done...she does stuff but she needs hardcore exercise. We do take walks---she occasionally runs adn does workout DVD's. We also have relatively healthy food in the house. However---I think she eats 3 LARGE meals a day. Instead of breaking things up into smaller meals. This I think is the problem. I will keep in mind some of the suggestions here. If she cant lose weight while being at home I have no idea how shes going to lose when she goes back to work. Perhaps I am giving the impression that she lays on a couch all day. She doesnt...she does exercise maybe twice a wekk and chases around our kids. My guess is its the diet...not because its unhealthy food, but wayyy too much of it. She must gorge when I am not around I guess. How can I know when I am working you know ?

 

Walking may not have the quick results you want to see, but it's a start and it shows that she does care about her health.

 

I thought the issue here was more of her lack of trying than it was her weight. If she is trying, what is the problem? She's not trying hard enough? The weight didn't get put on overnight and it won't come off overnight. Walking is better than nothing.

[just_some_guy]

I still say, get it out there. Yeah, it hurts, yes, there will be conflict, it will not be pleasant.

 

But if it is honest, just say it. Don't have to be mean about it, but express it.

 

Or it will likely get worse.

[InceptorsRule]

your agenda is to change her. knowing that you have the evidence to show that this hasn't worked for you - it may be useful to try the opposite.

 

what you may want to consider is changing YOU. can you change enough to be accepting of her? if YOU can't - then it is only fair to her and your marriage to be honest with her and tell her it's not working for YOU.

 

if you intend to place negative, judgmental energy toward her instead of love and acceptance - you are doing the marriage no favors.

 

 

Unfortunately while what you're saying "sounds good" it ignores the reality of what IS. IMO fit has been too "accepting" of his wife's behavior in the first place. Acceptance is the LAST thing his wife needs.

[carhill]

Acceptance is a great thing. Accept the incompatibilities and exit gracefully.

[xxoo]

Acceptance is a great thing. Accept the incompatibilities and exit gracefully.

 

Or, accept each other's imperfections, and love each other anyway.

 

As pp have noted, there seems to be an unhealthy battle for control in this relationship. Her weight is something only she can, should, and will control. I suspect she'll make healthier choices in the long run if Fit stays out of it.

[carhill]

Nope, sorry, deal-breaker. The OP can spend the rest of his life pissing down this hole. Not me..

[fit]

Or, accept each other's imperfections, and love each other anyway.

 

As pp have noted, there seems to be an unhealthy battle for control in this relationship. Her weight is something only she can, should, and will control. I suspect she'll make healthier choices in the long run if Fit stays out of it.

 

Negative. I was told to stay out of it when I casually discussed it a month ago...10 lbs later we see where that approach has gotten us.

I think some of you are operating from the perspective of people who have never done any type of exercise in their lives and don't understand the idea of a healthy life STYLE. If we never had this--it wouldn't be an issue. But we did and I am trying to get it back. Look at the same topic mentioned on another message-board with readers who commit to a life of fitness and see the difference in mindset.

http://forums.menshealth.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/230100665/m/6711047811

And I would be happy with effort. And no walking a few times a week does nothing...not when your 50-60 lbs overweight and medically obese. I maintain its the effort...not what she has to be RIGHT NOW.

[fit]

Nope, sorry, deal-breaker. The OP can spend the rest of his life pissing down this hole. Not me..

Trying not to carhill, trying not to.