When your partner lets themselves go...how do you tell them ?

[keane2010]

Self-confidence and self-acceptance are, to me, very attractive. If I loved someone overweight who has these, it would just be a unique part of her. If I guy can't accept it, then they may not be a good match.

 

However, if she is overweight and not confident with the body image, I think its more effective to talk about this instead of the weight itself. (Like "Am I the reason you are not happy with your self image? If not, can I help in some way?") Nagging and criticism are rarely effective. Support might.

[xxoo]

Negative. I was told to stay out of it when I casually discussed it a month ago...10 lbs later we see where that approach has gotten us.

I think some of you are operating from the perspective of people who have never done any type of exercise in their lives and don't understand the idea of a healthy life STYLE. If we never had this--it wouldn't be an issue. But we did and I am trying to get it back. Look at the same topic mentioned on another message-board with readers who commit to a life of fitness and see the difference in mindset.

http://forums.menshealth.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/230100665/m/6711047811

And I would be happy with effort. And no walking a few times a week does nothing...not when your 50-60 lbs overweight and medically obese. I maintain its the effort...not what she has to be RIGHT NOW.

 

Fit, I think the 10# regain proves my point. You bring it up, her weight goes up.

 

You keep saying you would be happy with effort, but then also insist she IS active (walks, chases the kids). Apparently, that level of active isn't enough for her to lose weight, but it is effort. So is it about the effort or not?

 

As for your point about the fitness of posters, both H and I are fit and active. But I'll tell you one thing....my H and I do NOT know each other's exact weight/weight fluctuations. Why would we? Why do you know her exact weight/weight loss/weight gain?

[2sunny]

seems she needs to look into whether she may have a medical problem that keeps her from losing weight. has she been thoroughly checked by the dr recently?

[InceptorsRule]

Fit, I think the 10# regain proves my point. You bring it up, her weight goes up.

 

I think your notion of cause and effect is a little inaccurate.

 

No one can gain weight because someone else calls them "fat." Fit's wife's weight goes up because she's eating too much and exercising too little.

 

 

 

You keep saying you would be happy with effort, but then also insist she IS active (walks, chases the kids). Apparently, that level of active isn't enough for her to lose weight, but it is effort. So is it about the effort or not?

 

"Apparently"? Are you saying fit is misperceiving that his wife is 60 pounds overweight, it's really some kind of optical illusion?

 

Obviously "it's about the effort," and fit's wife isn't putting in anywhere near enough effort. Not nearly.

 

 

 

As for your point about the fitness of posters, both H and I are fit and active. But I'll tell you one thing....my H and I do NOT know each other's exact weight/weight fluctuations. Why would we? Why do you know her exact weight/weight loss/weight gain?

 

Assuming neither you nor your h are grossly obese, then it's simply not necessary.

 

But if your h or you were an alcoholic, you might be very closely monitoring each other's alcohol consumption.

[InceptorsRule]

Negative. I was told to stay out of it when I casually discussed it a month ago...10 lbs later we see where that approach has gotten us.

 

OK if she gained ten pounds in a single month then she is eating herself to death.

 

Your wife has SERIOUS psychological problems. Her overeating to the point of killing herself with obesity, and expecting you to tolerate that behavior, is very abusive of yourself. She is committing horrendous spousal abuse by shoving those twinkies down her throat.

 

 

 

I think some of you are operating from the perspective of people who have never done any type of exercise in their lives and don't understand the idea of a healthy life STYLE.

 

That's because quite a few of "us" are lazy, obese women who don't want to change. Others of "us" are other women, who, while not obese themselves, find it imperative to point the finger of blame towards the man in the relationship, no matter what the issue under discussion happens to be.

 

I don't think many of "us"--that is, the people who aren't acknowledging your point of view-- however are MARRIED MEN. All MARRIED MEN expect to have their wives make a reasonable effort to remain reasonably attractive, not to balloon out to grossly obese whales during the course of the marriage. And not being accused of being bad partners for not loving their obese spouses "unconditionally."

 

 

 

 

 

If we never had this--it wouldn't be an issue. But we did and I am trying to get it back. Look at the same topic mentioned on another message-board with readers who commit to a life of fitness and see the difference in mindset.

http://forums.menshealth.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/230100665/m/6711047811

And I would be happy with effort. And no walking a few times a week does nothing...not when your 50-60 lbs overweight and medically obese. I maintain its the effort...not what she has to be RIGHT NOW.

 

 

My sister I don't think is 50-60 pounds overweight but her ass has sure gotten huge over the past few years. Whenever my wife and I go to visit my sister and my sister's husband I make a point of making fun of my sister's huge ass (outside of my sister's hearing of course) to my wife with a big grin on my face. Then my grin turns into a frown and I tell my wife: "You better NEVER let your ass get that big. Understand?" And when I say it I am all business.

 

So far it's worked thank god.

[ufo8mycat]

I think some of you are operating from the perspective of people who have never done any type of exercise in their lives and don't understand the idea of a healthy life STYLE. If we never had this--it wouldn't be an issue. But we did and I am trying to get it back.

 

Negative. I train for competitive short course triathlon and my husband is a cyclist so I know what it is life to live an active lifestyle. I also know that it is not practicable for both of us to train 15 hours a week. When I am training so many hours a week he tends to pick up the slack and it does have an impact on our family life. I also know what it is like for priorities to shift and that when he got a promotion that meant more time away, I had to compromise and I am OK with this.

 

It is obnoxious to insist that your priorities are her priorities. I would understand if your wife has given up because she doesn't feel as though you will be satisfied with her effort. It appears that you will only be satisfied when she meets your definition of effort. If this is really about her health then walking 30 minutes a day six days a week meets the recommended minimum requirements for physical activity.

 

It sounds as though she is active.

 

When you sit down with her and say <<wife>> I really miss the lifestyle we had together and the things we did together, what can we do to return to that?

 

What does she say?

 

What will you do if she says that sort of lifestyle is no longer important to her?

[InceptorsRule]

Negative. I train for competitive short course triathlon and my husband is a cyclist so I know what it is life to live an active lifestyle. I also know that it is not practicable for both of us to train 15 hours a week. When I am training so many hours a week he tends to pick up the slack and it does have an impact on our family life. I also know what it is like for priorities to shift and that when he got a promotion that meant more time away, I had to compromise and I am OK with this.

 

What an ironic post--you yourself work out like a demon yet still are taking fit's obese wife's side of it. That's because you're like one of those women, who I mentioned in my prior post, that always thinks the man is to blame, no matter what the issue.

 

 

It is obnoxious to insist that your priorities are her priorities.

 

See what I mean?

 

Actually it's quite obnoxious for his spouse to gain sixty pounds and expect him to tolerate that.

 

 

 

I would understand if your wife has given up because she doesn't feel as though you will be satisfied with her effort.

 

LOL the timing of your post is absolutely perfect, it makes me look like a genius. It's all fit's fault. It's fit's fault his wife is obese. It's fit's fault she's given up. Fit's being the obnoxious one. Fit's wife's behavior is totally controlled by fit, but strangely, only by doing the opposite of what fit would prefer her to do.

 

What utter nonsense. What you haven't acknowledged is the obvious truth: Fit's wife is responsible for her eating, her exercising, her obesity, and her failure to deal with her body image. Fit can help her. But she has to do the "heavy lifting" (pun unintended).

 

 

 

It appears that you will only be satisfied when she meets your definition of effort. If this is really about her health then walking 30 minutes a day six days a week meets the recommended minimum requirements for physical activity.

 

Is fit's wife meeing your definition of "effort"? Be honest for a change and stop "blaming the man." You work out a LOT. THAT's YOUR definition of "effort." Fit's wife doesn't come anywhere near YOUR definition of "effort."

 

It sounds as though she is active.

 

On the contrary. No one gains ten pounds in a month by being "active" by any objectively sane version of the term. Obese people in general are much LESS physically active than fit people. That's one of the big reasons they are obese. You KNOW that from your own personal life and relationship. WHY SHOULDN'T FIT APPLY TO HIMSELF AND HIS WIFE THE SAME STANDARD YOU APPLY TO YOURSELF AND YOUR H REGARDING AN APPROPRIATE LEVEL OF PHYSICAL FITNESS? If it's good enough for you and your h, why isn't it good enough for fit and his wife?

 

 

When you sit down with her and say <<wife>> I really miss the lifestyle we had together and the things we did together, what can we do to return to that?

 

What does she say?

 

She probably says: "Smack. Slurp. Gobble. Hand me another twinkie please."

 

What will you do if she says that sort of lifestyle is no longer important to her?

 

Breaking into tears wouldn't be an inappropriate response.

[xxoo]

I think your notion of cause and effect is a little inaccurate.

 

No one can gain weight because someone else calls them "fat." Fit's wife's weight goes up because she's eating too much and exercising too little.

 

I'll bet she's an emotional overeater. Criticism of her weight sends her straight to her comfort foods.

 

Also, if she is battling you for control, she'll subconciously overeat because you can't control that.

 

None of this means it is Fit's fault. She has food issues. But, imo, Fit involving himself will make matters worse.

 

On the 10# weight gain--she only regained the lost weight. She sped back to her "equilibrium", as people tend to do unless they massively and permanently revamp their lifestyle. It doesn't necessarily mean she'll gain more.

[mem11363]

People with fat family members and fat friends tend to be influenced by their "peers". And their heavy friends and family tend are at best neutral on this subject and often ENCOURAGE their thinner friends to relax and "enjoy" life.

 

I remember being at our oldest child's school - for parent day. We were in a room full of women. My W was 8 months pregnant. Someone asked her when she was due. She said - one more month and then added: "I can't wait to get back to the gym." At the time she was at a normal healthy weight for an 8 month pregnant woman. This stranger - heavyset woman about 5 years older than we were than asked. "How many kids do you have?" My

W replied, "this is our third". To which the other woman responded "there is no way you are going to get back into shape with three kids, just not possible."

 

And my W said "I think it is mainly about what your priorities are." And that was the end of the conversation.

 

There is nothing wrong with being relaxed about stuff that doesn't bother your partner. Personally - since this can be a painful point of contention - I believe it should be discussed before marriage. As for walking a few times a week - that is a good start. However you can't walk a few times, allow yourself to eat what you want - and claim you are making a sincere effort.

 

 

Or, accept each other's imperfections, and love each other anyway.

 

As pp have noted, there seems to be an unhealthy battle for control in this relationship. Her weight is something only she can, should, and will control. I suspect she'll make healthier choices in the long run if Fit stays out of it.

[InceptorsRule]

I'll bet she's an emotional overeater.

 

Actually at this point it sounds like she's a compulsive overeater. She might eat even more when she's in a particularly emotional state. But saying she's an emotional overeater doesn't really answer the question of why she responds to emotions by overeating rather than doing something other than overeating.

 

 

Criticism of her weight sends her straight to her comfort foods.

 

If your theory were correct then all that would be necessary to help an obese person lose weight is for their spouse to say nothing. However that's assuming that the spouse's criticism is what caused the weight gain in the first place, which would not explain why the entire family is obese.

 

It makes just as much sense, if not a lot more sense, from a cause and effect perspective, to state that the wife's obesity is what causes her spouse's criticism of her. Do you think when fit's wife was in good shape, he was criticizing her for being obese?

 

Compulsive overeaters/morbidly obese people eat when they're emotional...and when they're not emotional. They eat when they're sad, to console themselves....and the eat when they're happy, to celebrate or reward themselves. Any rationalization will provide the excuse for more eating. If accepted for who they are, they will eat more. If criticized for being obese, they will eat more.

 

I feel very very sorry for this woman who is basically the same as a crack addict. She has an addiction and that addiction is food. I said that in a previous post and I meant it. I don't know if it's technically an addiction but psychologically it probably is pretty similar.

 

It's unfortunate that anyone is blaming fit for this situation. His wife is addicted to food just as much as anyone else with any other kind of addiction. Fit is one of the victims of that addiction--collateral damage.

 

There is absolutely no reason why a reasonably affluent person living in the U.S. or perhaps Western Europe has to be grossly obese unless they want to be that way. Anyone who wants to be obese and unhappy even at the risk of their health and their marriage has serious psychological issues which would take years to address with professional help.

 

In the meantime she has to find a way to lose the weight. There are only two ways: Exercise more and eat less. (actually you have to do both) This woman could pretty safely lose anywhere between on average one and two pounds per week with a moderately healthy diet and a reasonable amount of daily exercise say walking briskly for an hour a day. She doesn't have to go crazy like train for triathalons or anything like that. Basically if she had any interest in fixing this problem she could do so pretty much within six months to a year. Others have done it, many others, many have lost much more than 50 pounds. Once they decide they want to do.

 

Fit might be the biggest @-hole on the planet but he still has no control over what goes into his wife's mouth nor how much or little exercise she chooses to do. Saying that his criticism of his wife drives her to overeat is just providing the w with another excuse for not taking control of her own life.

 

The "soft way" simply doesn't work for people like fit's wife. She's an addict. If you're nice to an addict all they will do is lie to you and then rob you blind.

 

 

 

Also, if she is battling you for control, she'll subconsciously overeat because you can't control that.

 

Fit can't "control" anything his wife does or does not do. He can set boundaries about what he is willing to accept, and clearly state them to her. Then it is up to her. Also what about his wife's behavior strikes you as "subconscious"? Unless of course she's "sleep-eating"? I've heard that some people actually do this--they sleep walk to their refrigerator and then raid it in the middle of the night, all while in a deep sleep.

 

 

None of this means it is Fit's fault. She has food issues. But, imo, Fit involving himself will make matters worse.

 

Well he's already involved because he's her husband. He automatically gets a "say" in her behavior because it affects him. Just the same as if he were engaged in addictive/compulsive behavior such as alcoholism or compulsive gambling she would have a "say" in that as well.

 

 

On the 10# weight gain--she only regained the lost weight. She sped back to her "equilibrium", as people tend to do unless they massively and permanently revamp their lifestyle. It doesn't necessarily mean she'll gain more.

 

The recent trend is not encouraging. Fit's wife is a very sick woman and she seems like she is getting sicker, not better. If the sickness is compulsive overeating that translates into a reasonable likelihood of more weight gains.

[D-Lish]

seems she needs to look into whether she may have a medical problem that keeps her from losing weight. has she been thoroughly checked by the dr recently?

 

Checked by a doc? Why??? She's over-eating and not exercising.

A very small percentage of people actually gain weight without over consuming calories.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Fit can't "control" anything his wife does or does not do. He can set boundaries about what he is willing to accept, and clearly state them to her. Then it is up to her. Also what about his wife's behavior strikes you as "subconscious"? Unless of course she's "sleep-eating"? I've heard that some people actually do this--they sleep walk to their refrigerator and then raid it in the middle of the night, all while in a deep sleep.

 

I don't know what vows Fit and his wife spoke when they married, but normally the vows include "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health." Yeah, I know that more than half marriages end in divorce, but I believe that well into a marriage and with 2 kids is a bit tardy for a husband to proclaim that his wife's weight has reached an "unacceptable" zone and that he's out of there if she doesn't lose it.

 

Have you really changed anything because of an ultimatum given to you? I haven't.

 

Your comparisons with alcoholism and other addictions are not very solid. i do agree that people can have food addictions and that eating disorders can kill people and destroy families. I doubt that Fit's wife, however, is about to start stealing to support her habit or to risk her and others lives driving on a maniacal sugar high.

 

Anyway, the only way to deal with any real addict is to "accept the things you cannot change," or to not accept ... and leave. You can't change a person or make them change.

[2sunny]

But if your h or you were an alcoholic, you might be very closely monitoring each other's alcohol consumption.

 

let me just say - that MONITORING an alcoholics consumption is not going to either cause them to drink more - or not to drink at all.

 

whether the monitoring happens - has nothing to do with the alcoholic who chooses to drink - or not.

 

it's not fit's job to monitor his W's consumption of food.

 

if he decides he truly doesn't like worrying about her weight - he can choose to D her.

[ufo8mycat]

What an ironic post--you yourself work out like a demon yet still are taking fit's obese wife's side of it. That's because you're like one of those women, who I mentioned in my prior post, that always thinks the man is to blame, no matter what the issue.

 

I don't really care what sort of person you think I am. Fit has started a number of threads about his unhappiness in his marriage. Most of them have included the issue of his wife's weight. If his wife doesn't think this is an issue then fit has to make some choices. He can't make her see things his way. Many suggestions have been made over various threads and he dismisses them and his approach comes across in his posts as inflexiable.

 

 

Actually it's quite obnoxious for his spouse to gain sixty pounds and expect him to tolerate that.

 

I don't disagree but there are ways to deal with emotional eating. If he chooses to not tolerate it or if they can't find a way to meet in this middle over this then he has some tough choices to make. Personally I would try and get to the root of the problem before I left my marriage.

 

It's all fit's fault. It's fit's fault his wife is obese. It's fit's fault she's given up.

 

No it isn't. She isn't meeting his expectations. He may need to re-examine his expectations and if they are realistic. She also may be perfectly happy with the way things are. It will be up to Fit to consider what he is prepared to accept. None of his threads have come across as loving towards his wife and if this is a dealbreaker than better to find someone that shares his expectations.

 

What you haven't acknowledged is the obvious truth: Fit's wife is responsible for her eating, her exercising, her obesity, and her failure to deal with her body image. Fit can help her. But she has to do the "heavy lifting" (pun unintended).

 

I totally agree. SHE has to do the heavy lifting. He can't make her. He can find ways of supporting her that she responds positively too.

 

Is fit's wife meeing your definition of "effort"? Be honest for a change and stop "blaming the man." You work out a LOT. THAT's YOUR definition of "effort." Fit's wife doesn't come anywhere near YOUR definition of "effort."

 

My definition of effort only applies to me. When I train I only worry about my own square metre. I don't apply my standards to others. If she is running around after the kids, going on a few walks and getting to the gym on occasion then I wouldn't consider that person sedentary.

 

WHY SHOULDN'T FIT APPLY TO HIMSELF AND HIS WIFE THE SAME STANDARD YOU APPLY TO YOURSELF AND YOUR H REGARDING AN APPROPRIATE LEVEL OF PHYSICAL FITNESS? If it's good enough for you and your h, why isn't it good enough for fit and his wife?

 

See above Maybe fit and his wife don't want to do a sub 11hr ironman. I know my H doesn't so I don't apply my expectations of myself to him or anyone else. Its good enough for me because they are MY goals. No one elses. Maybe she just isn't interested? My husband is a keen cyclist but I let him sit on my wheel because I know that he has chosen study over many hours of training and all that involves. He just doesn't have the same interest or time. So we find other things to do together.

 

When I married my husband he and I agreed to many things. We never agreed that we each had to stay with 5% of race weight.

 

Life throws many unexpected things at you and you need to be flexible.

 

I am not saying any of this is fit's fault but he can only control his own action and words - not his wife's. But if he loves her and wants to be in this marriage (which I am not sure of) he might have to compromise a bit.

Edited August 14, 2010 by ufo8mycat

[InceptorsRule]

I don't know what vows Fit and his wife spoke when they married, but normally the vows include "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health." Yeah, I know that more than half marriages end in divorce, but I believe that well into a marriage and with 2 kids is a bit tardy for a husband to proclaim that his wife's weight has reached an "unacceptable" zone and that he's out of there if she doesn't lose it.

 

It's interesting how so many of you ladies (but not all of you) want to do everything you can to NOT hold fit's wife accountable for her obesity.

 

 

 

Have you really changed anything because of an ultimatum given to you? I haven't.

 

LOL so you're saying nothing fit does can change his wife. O.K.

 

 

 

Your comparisons with alcoholism and other addictions are not very solid. i do agree that people can have food addictions and that eating disorders can kill people and destroy families. I doubt that Fit's wife, however, is about to start stealing to support her habit or to risk her and others lives driving on a maniacal sugar high.

 

She's already risking her life for that maniacal sugar high.

 

 

 

Anyway, the only way to deal with any real addict is to "accept the things you cannot change," or to not accept ... and leave. You can't change a person or make them change.

 

LOL well I guess it's all settled then.

[Citizen Erased]

Checked by a doc? Why??? She's over-eating and not exercising.

A very small percentage of people actually gain weight without over consuming calories.

 

Agreed. I put on a lot of weight in my last relationship, it started because of medication I was taking but eventually, I just plain got lazy and ate a lot and stopped caring. It was really unfair on him, he saw me with my ex before him really fit and ensuring I was attractive to him...it must have played on his mind why he wasn't worthy of that effort.

 

She knows she has a weight problem, you don't need to tell her she's let herself go. I really doubt, apart from eating healthy together and exercising together, you can do much. A lot of this health stuff is mental, you've got to want it bad. Changing a part of your lifestyle isn't as simple as oh, you're getting fat so go lose it.

[BettyBoop]

Look at the same topic mentioned on another message-board with readers who commit to a life of fitness and see the difference in mindset.

http://forums.menshealth.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/230100665/m/6711047811

And I would be happy with effort. And no walking a few times a week does nothing...not when your 50-60 lbs overweight and medically obese. I maintain its the effort...not what she has to be RIGHT NOW.

'

 

Quotes from your post on that thread:

 

"I'm embarassed to be seen with her."

 

"At this point, it seems like there is no hope in sight. I've given up on wanting any sexual realationship with her because A) it was never good to begin with (she has major insecurity issues thanks to her mom) and B) it's just embarassing."

[giotto]

Facts: she's a fatty, she likes her food and you can't tell her. What do you do? Nothing. She needs to be wanting to lose weight. She doesn't. Let's face it: she'll never lose weight. You are stuck. You either love her the way she is or you get a divorce. But find a better excuse first. She won't be happy if you tell her the truth... but you probably won't care anymore at that stage... good luck, mate...

[fit]

Actually at this point it sounds like she's a compulsive overeater. She might eat even more when she's in a particularly emotional state. But saying she's an emotional overeater doesn't really answer the question of why she responds to emotions by overeating rather than doing something other than overeating.

 

 

 

 

If your theory were correct then all that would be necessary to help an obese person lose weight is for their spouse to say nothing. However that's assuming that the spouse's criticism is what caused the weight gain in the first place, which would not explain why the entire family is obese.

 

It makes just as much sense, if not a lot more sense, from a cause and effect perspective, to state that the wife's obesity is what causes her spouse's criticism of her. Do you think when fit's wife was in good shape, he was criticizing her for being obese?

 

Compulsive overeaters/morbidly obese people eat when they're emotional...and when they're not emotional. They eat when they're sad, to console themselves....and the eat when they're happy, to celebrate or reward themselves. Any rationalization will provide the excuse for more eating. If accepted for who they are, they will eat more. If criticized for being obese, they will eat more.

 

I feel very very sorry for this woman who is basically the same as a crack addict. She has an addiction and that addiction is food. I said that in a previous post and I meant it. I don't know if it's technically an addiction but psychologically it probably is pretty similar.

 

It's unfortunate that anyone is blaming fit for this situation. His wife is addicted to food just as much as anyone else with any other kind of addiction. Fit is one of the victims of that addiction--collateral damage.

 

There is absolutely no reason why a reasonably affluent person living in the U.S. or perhaps Western Europe has to be grossly obese unless they want to be that way. Anyone who wants to be obese and unhappy even at the risk of their health and their marriage has serious psychological issues which would take years to address with professional help.

 

In the meantime she has to find a way to lose the weight. There are only two ways: Exercise more and eat less. (actually you have to do both) This woman could pretty safely lose anywhere between on average one and two pounds per week with a moderately healthy diet and a reasonable amount of daily exercise say walking briskly for an hour a day. She doesn't have to go crazy like train for triathalons or anything like that. Basically if she had any interest in fixing this problem she could do so pretty much within six months to a year. Others have done it, many others, many have lost much more than 50 pounds. Once they decide they want to do.

 

Fit might be the biggest @-hole on the planet but he still has no control over what goes into his wife's mouth nor how much or little exercise she chooses to do. Saying that his criticism of his wife drives her to overeat is just providing the w with another excuse for not taking control of her own life.

 

The "soft way" simply doesn't work for people like fit's wife. She's an addict. If you're nice to an addict all they will do is lie to you and then rob you blind.

 

 

 

 

 

Fit can't "control" anything his wife does or does not do. He can set boundaries about what he is willing to accept, and clearly state them to her. Then it is up to her. Also what about his wife's behavior strikes you as "subconscious"? Unless of course she's "sleep-eating"? I've heard that some people actually do this--they sleep walk to their refrigerator and then raid it in the middle of the night, all while in a deep sleep.

 

 

 

 

Well he's already involved because he's her husband. He automatically gets a "say" in her behavior because it affects him. Just the same as if he were engaged in addictive/compulsive behavior such as alcoholism or compulsive gambling she would have a "say" in that as well.

The recent trend is not encouraging. Fit's wife is a very sick woman and she seems like she is getting sicker, not better. If the sickness is compulsive overeating that translates into a reasonable likelihood of more weight gains.

 

 

Your a funny guy inceptor....I especially liked the comment about the chocolate treadmill

Its your line of thinking that I feel most inline with. People, including me, need to be responsible for their OWN actions. If I gained 50 lbs there is NO WAY IN HELL I would blame my wife, thats all on me. 100 percent.

 

For better or worse doesnt mean you have the right to balloon up like a whale and not do anything about it. As a wife or husaband you have a responsibility to yourself to make an effort to be attractive to your partner. Its not THAT hard. I see these men who ae married for 20 years and their damn wives look like men, and then they complain how their hudband doesnt listen to them or show them affection. Duh...make an effort and that may change. Guys do this too!

Oh and dont bring up the "what if they got into a terrible accident" ...this isnt a terrible accident this is conscious choice to overeat and not exercise hard enough. We are all going to age---so we should control what we can control and what we cant we should be accepted for.

 

Wedding vows do contain the vows "for better or worse"...so does that mean if I become a raging alcoholic my wife should accept me ? What If Im a compulsive gambler ? Drug addict ?

Do you really think being obese(by either party) has any less of a detrimental affect on a marriage ?

Being 75 % of the unites states are overweight or obese, I can see how many wouldnt consider this an issue, especially if they are obese themselves. After all..they are fine so fit's wife must be fine. But are you really fine ? Really ? Is huffing and puffing going up stairs really "fine" ? Is back and knee pain "fine" ? Are clogged arteries "fine" ? Really ? Functional on the outside doesnt make you functional on the inside.

 

 

Since my original post theres been some pretty intense working out going on so who knows maybe it will stick this time.

Oh and by the way...of course I am making posts about unhappy parts of my marriage--EVERYONE here makes posts about unhappiness in their marrriage. If no one posted any problems this board would not exist. There ARE happy parts...but why post them ?

And my wife doesnt eat twinkies btw, but I get your meaning inceptor.

 

There is some kind of overeating going on....just not sure what, when or where.

I also think what some people are missing out on here is that we are continuing to have a loving relationship but the weight does bother BOTH of us. I dont call her fat or say or do anything like that..just because I post things here doesnt mean I say those things to her verbatim.

[xxoo]

You either love her the way she is or you get a divorce.

 

This really is the bottom line.

 

And leads me to ask, do men really divorce over fat? Really? Leave your best friend, the mother of your kids, your lover....because she's fat?

 

Fit, has she otherwise "let herself go"? Frumpy hair and clothes? Does she groom herself nicely for you?

[giotto]

This really is the bottom line.

 

And leads me to ask, do men really divorce over fat? Really? Leave your best friend, the mother of your kids, your lover....because she's fat?

 

yes, it is the bottom line... and I'll give you my opinion on this: absolutely not!

My wife has put quite a lot of weight on since our marriage, but I don't mind. She is still my wife... anyway, I rarely get to see her body these days...

 

Would I tell her if I thought she was getting too fat? Absolutely not. If a woman doesn't even notice she is too fat, do you think she'll ever do anything to lose the weight?

 

I don't particularly like my wife's sense of dress either and I would never ever dream of telling her... why hurt your spouse for such trivial things?

[carhill]

of course I am making posts about unhappy parts of my marriage--EVERYONE here makes posts about unhappiness in their marrriage. If no one posted any problems this board would not exist. There ARE happy parts...but why post them ?

 

For balance, just like I requested you post about the responsibilities you've taken in the marital dynamic, which you never answered in any depth. One-way or one-sided perspectives lead to a warped vision of the dynamic. Did your counselor let you get away with an unbalanced viewpoint and take no personal responsibility? If so, ineffective counselor. Try another one.

 

Who decided to end counseling? Was it you or your wife? Who made the first suggestion to end?

 

I don't think this is about your wife's weight, at all. Her weight is the surface, the tip of the iceberg. The part that is really damaging, that's ripping a gash in the hull of your marriage, is still below the surface, unseen. Find it.

[norajane]

To those of you suggesting walks in the park. Not gonna get it done...she does stuff but she needs hardcore exercise. We do take walks---she occasionally runs adn does workout DVD's. We also have relatively healthy food in the house. However---I think she eats 3 LARGE meals a day. Instead of breaking things up into smaller meals. This I think is the problem. I will keep in mind some of the suggestions here. If she cant lose weight while being at home I have no idea how shes going to lose when she goes back to work. Perhaps I am giving the impression that she lays on a couch all day. She doesnt...she does exercise maybe twice a wekk and chases around our kids. My guess is its the diet...not because its unhealthy food, but wayyy too much of it. She must gorge when I am not around I guess. How can I know when I am working you know ?

 

One of my friends is a biologist who researches diabetes and obesity in his lab, and teaches at a university. The truth is fat cells don't disappear when you lose weight - they may shrink, but they stay in your body for at least 10 years. And there is a link between those fat cells and the brain - empty fat cells are basically pinging the brain all the time telling it that you need to eat in order to re-fill the fat cells with fat.

 

What all of that means is, once you gain the weight and increase the number of fat cells, you have a much harder time losing weight because your body is programmed to stay at the new higher weight with more fat cells, and you have a much, much harder time losing weight because your body is programmed to regain the weight and keep the fat cells full.

 

(Oh, and btw, liposuction isn't a long-term solution - even eliminating the fat cells from the body isn't enough, because the brain is thinking, hey, there's something missing...fat cells! Eat!)

 

At this point, your wife is fighting her body's biological responses. She may not be gorging herself while you are at work. However, her body is holding on to every bit of food she does eat. And any more weight that she does gain, is just going to snowball into making matters worse for her.

 

This isn't to say she can't do anything about it. I'm just trying to help you understand that it's not as simple for her to lose weight or maintain weight as it is for you or for someone else who never gained the weight in the first place. And with obesity in her family, her genetics aren't the kind that will help her. It will require a sustained, determined effort on her part, and a complete change in lifestyle and her approach to food, which isn't something many people can manage.

 

Does she actually want to lose weight? Have you heard her say that she is ready to? If not, I don't think there is anything you can do to make her want to. There are probably a lot of psychological and emotional things going on with her tied into her weight - she may feel horrible about it, but feels helpless so she's given up. Nagging at her will just make her feel worse. Telling her you're not attracted to her will just make her feel worse. Hanging out with her more obese family probably makes her feel better since she's not that big yet and feels slimmer around them.

 

If I were you, I'd have stayed in MC, even if she didn't want to keep going. You should have kept going without her. That would show her that you're serious about your marriage being in trouble, and aren't going to ignore it no matter how much she wants to sweep it under the rug. And I'd encourage her to seek IC for herself. Unpacking her own issues with a non-judgmental therapist might get her in the healthier frame of mind she needs to be in to decide she has to tackle her weight problem.

[Holding-On]

I don't really care what sort of person you think I am. Fit has started a number of threads about his unhappiness in his marriage. Most of them have included the issue of his wife's weight. If his wife doesn't think this is an issue then fit has to make some choices. He can't make her see things his way. Many suggestions have been made over various threads and he dismisses them and his approach comes across in his posts as inflexiable.

 

 

 

 

I don't disagree but there are ways to deal with emotional eating. If he chooses to not tolerate it or if they can't find a way to meet in this middle over this then he has some tough choices to make. Personally I would try and get to the root of the problem before I left my marriage.

 

 

 

No it isn't. She isn't meeting his expectations. He may need to re-examine his expectations and if they are realistic. She also may be perfectly happy with the way things are. It will be up to Fit to consider what he is prepared to accept. None of his threads have come across as loving towards his wife and if this is a dealbreaker than better to find someone that shares his expectations.

 

 

 

I totally agree. SHE has to do the heavy lifting. He can't make her. He can find ways of supporting her that she responds positively too.

 

 

 

My definition of effort only applies to me. When I train I only worry about my own square metre. I don't apply my standards to others. If she is running around after the kids, going on a few walks and getting to the gym on occasion then I wouldn't consider that person sedentary.

 

 

 

See above Maybe fit and his wife don't want to do a sub 11hr ironman. I know my H doesn't so I don't apply my expectations of myself to him or anyone else. Its good enough for me because they are MY goals. No one elses. Maybe she just isn't interested? My husband is a keen cyclist but I let him sit on my wheel because I know that he has chosen study over many hours of training and all that involves. He just doesn't have the same interest or time. So we find other things to do together.

 

When I married my husband he and I agreed to many things. We never agreed that we each had to stay with 5% of race weight.

 

Life throws many unexpected things at you and you need to be flexible.

 

I am not saying any of this is fit's fault but he can only control his own action and words - not his wife's. But if he loves her and wants to be in this marriage (which I am not sure of) he might have to compromise a bit.

 

:bunny::bunny:

I think you are my new hero. I love how even handed and well written this response is.

Look my husband (is it okay now that it is a man inceptor?? ) gained 60lbs with the stresses of his job and overeating which started with matching me in food intake while I was pregnant. Even though he has good size shoulders and chest, he is not a tall man nor does he have large bone structure. He is 5'7" just like me. So 60lbs on his frame is a LOT. So I have been there. I still loved him and accepted him. He did not want to go on walks with me. He did not want to go to the gym with me. Eventually he wanted to lose the weight and cut down on his portion size. I think if you love someone you love someone. I know that his family is sedentary. I knew this going in and yes, he was super super fit when I met him.

 

Fit you do come across as inflexible. Have you been wronged? Well as far as the "lets take on a high cost lifestyle and guess what now I'm going to quit my six figure job that makes this possible" choice, then yes. Honestly I actually see few people arguing that this is fair.

 

But picking a woman from an obese family with obesity as the NORM for her, I don't have as much sympathy for you.

 

I lost most of my pregnancy weight and keep it off from WALKING. Now I walk, on average, 4 miles a day but it started with those first steps.

My parents made a point of walking places and taking us with them. We would go on a stroll around the neighbourhood after supper. I am suggesting you start this type of trend for the sake of your children even more so than your wife. Walking works for an overall life choice. And yes, I do expect you to dismiss and argue this advice as you have dismissed and argued most advice given you other than "you poor thing".

 

So here you go "You poor thing". Does it suck when our spouses fail us or (intentionally or not) deceive us? Yes. Is it right. No! But guess what you are human too and I'll bet not as much of a treat to live with all the time either. I try to focus on my failings (which I can work on) rather than on where my husband's failings lie.

 

Your wife does not come from a family where exercise is normal so yes, you are going to have to be the force of change in your immediate family just as I am in mine. You can cry about the unfairness of it but that's life and the choices you made in who you married!

[BentSpine]

And leads me to ask, do men really divorce over fat? Really? Leave your best friend, the mother of your kids, your lover....because she's fat?

Yes. It's the very reason why this man won't be making any vows containing forever. Because I would be lying every second of it. I know, without doubt, that I would leave someone who became unattractive through weight gain. I do hold myself to the same standard; if I gain 10 lbs I venture into the weight region where no relationship has gotten off ground.