When your partner lets themselves go...how do you tell them ?

[xxoo]

Yes. It's the very reason why this man won't be making any vows containing forever. Because I would be lying every second of it. I know, without doubt, that I would leave someone who became unattractive through weight gain. I do hold myself to the same standard; if I gain 10 lbs I venture into the weight region where no relationship has gotten off ground.

 

Bent, you are talking "in theory".

 

I'm talking about men actually married to a woman they love. Actually raising children together. Actually enjoying sex together. Do men dump the partner they love and enjoy just because she got bigger?

 

I doubt it. I'm sure there is a bigger issue than her body going on if the OP is considering divorce over weight gain. One thing is certain: if you allow her body to be the battle ground, you will lose.

[BentSpine]

Bent, you are talking in theory

I admit that I don't belong to the group of married people, and this apparently makes you not take my post seriously. I beg to differ of course, my view influences me everyday, but it's you're right to have a different opinion.

Do men dump the partner they love and enjoy just because she got bigger?

I define love as: Love = caring + sexual attraction. If you remove the sexual attraction, you're left with caring only. You are simply left with a friend who could be as attractive to you as a same sex buddy. If that actually were the case, you would surely walk out and seek a member of the opposite sex. For many of us, our primal attraction lies in the silhouette of the attractive persons. And weight changes that silhouette. Edited August 14, 2010 by BentSpine

[ufo8mycat]

:bunny::bunny:

I think you are my new hero. I love how even handed and well written this response is.

 

awwww thanks

 

I would like to return to the OP for a moment. How do you tell your partner they have let themselves go?

 

Given that Fit has said in another thread that he is embarrased to be seen with her I would be pretty confident she gets a sense of his disgust with her, which probably compounds with her disgust for herself. She does't need to be told. She needs support in managing self sabotaging habits.

 

I also come from a family where morbid obesity is the norm and they know the are fat. They don't need to be told. I put on 15kg after an accident and was not able to exercise at all. I am really happy my husband didn't push me on this issue. It took two years for me to be able to return to activity and during this time he supported me and helped me identify my self sabotaging efforts and supported on little things.

 

 

here is some kind of overeating going on....just not sure what, when or where.

Or why?

 

I can understand this bothers her, you don't seem to be able to get to the bottom of and I just wonder what strategies you have tried?

Edited August 14, 2010 by ufo8mycat

[xxoo]

I admit that I don't belong to the group of married people, and this apparently makes you not take my post seriously. I beg to differ of course, my view influences me everyday, but it's you're right to have a different opinion. I define love as: Love = caring + sexual attraction. If you remove the sexual attraction, you're left with caring only. You are simply left with a friend who could be as attractive to you as a same sex buddy. If that actually were the case, you would surely walk out and seek a member of the opposite sex. For many of us, our primal attraction lies in the silhouette of the attractive persons. And weight changes that silhouette.

 

Fit says that he is attracted to his wife. That's why I asked about a situation where the spouses enjoy sex together. In theory, you might not expect to be attracted to a fat woman, but in reality might remain attracted to the woman you love despite weight gain.

 

I certainly understand divorcing if the attraction is gone, but I'm confused if the attraction is still there. It seems like throwing away a lot just to have a partner the right size, unless there is something else going on.

[InceptorsRule]

Facts: she's a fatty, she likes her food and you can't tell her. What do you do? Nothing. She needs to be wanting to lose weight. She doesn't. Let's face it: she'll never lose weight. You are stuck. You either love her the way she is or you get a divorce. But find a better excuse first. She won't be happy if you tell her the truth... but you probably won't care anymore at that stage... good luck, mate...

 

WOW giotto I thought you were a "nice guy" but this is downright brutal:)

[InceptorsRule]

yes, it is the bottom line... and I'll give you my opinion on this: absolutely not!

My wife has put quite a lot of weight on since our marriage, but I don't mind. She is still my wife... anyway, I rarely get to see her body these days...

 

Would I tell her if I thought she was getting too fat? Absolutely not. If a woman doesn't even notice she is too fat, do you think she'll ever do anything to lose the weight?

 

I don't particularly like my wife's sense of dress either and I would never ever dream of telling her... why hurt your spouse for such trivial things?

 

 

Well my wife waited for 18 years before she finally told me that she could never attain an orgasm, ever, during sex w/o fantasizing about other men.

 

Actually I was glad when she finally got around to mentioning this.

[InceptorsRule]

(Oh, and btw, liposuction isn't a long-term solution - even eliminating the fat cells from the body isn't enough, because the brain is thinking, hey, there's something missing...fat cells! Eat!)

 

My stupid brain seems to be the source of most of my problems, actually.

[InceptorsRule]

:bunny::bunny:

I think you are my new hero. I love how even handed and well written this response is.

 

I actually thought it to be rather hypocritical, to each his/her own I suppose....

 

 

Look my husband (is it okay now that it is a man inceptor?? )

 

That's between you and your husband, obviously. Fit started a thread about it because it's not OK with him. I think it's reasonable to be very unhappy in fit's situation. YMMV.

 

 

gained 60lbs with the stresses of his job and overeating which started with matching me in food intake while I was pregnant.

 

This kind of radical weight gain is just as unacceptable in a husband as it is in a wife.

 

 

Even though he has good size shoulders and chest, he is not a tall man nor does he have large bone structure. He is 5'7" just like me. So 60lbs on his frame is a LOT.

 

Considering a healthy weight for a 5'7" man is anywhere between about 130 to maybe 160, yes I would agree that 60 lbs is a "LOT."

 

 

So I have been there. I still loved him and accepted him. He did not want to go on walks with me. He did not want to go to the gym with me. Eventually he wanted to lose the weight and cut down on his portion size. I think if you love someone you love someone. I know that his family is sedentary. I knew this going in and yes, he was super super fit when I met him.

 

And you had every right to expect him to try to stay fit, no question about that.

 

By the way did your h ever try to seriously try to justify his insane weight increase by telling you it's perfectly OK, he's just as attractive as he ever was, and you need to accept him "as is"? No, it sounds like he did his job as your husband and lost the weight.

 

So it IS doable. You JUST gave an example of a MAN who did it. So there's no reason a woman can't. Just like your husband, assuming your h did lose the weight (if not what is your point in posting this?)

 

 

 

Fit you do come across as inflexible.

 

Wait a second. Did your h lose his sixty pounds? If so, why isn't fit entitled to expect the same effort from his w?

 

 

 

Have you been wronged?

 

He was wronged in exactly the same way your h "wronged" you by gaining sixty pounds. But, your h fixed things by losing the weight. Right?

 

 

 

Well as far as the "lets take on a high cost lifestyle and guess what now I'm going to quit my six figure job that makes this possible" choice, then yes. Honestly I actually see few people arguing that this is fair.

 

Yup, so it's never just about the weight, is it?

 

 

But picking a woman from an obese family with obesity as the NORM for her, I don't have as much sympathy for you.

 

Why? Because his w has an "obesity birthright"?

 

Double standard double standard double standard.

 

Your own h lost the weight. Are you saying that because she's a woman fit's wife isn't capable of doing the same thing?

 

 

I lost most of my pregnancy weight and keep it off from WALKING. Now I walk, on average, 4 miles a day but it started with those first steps.

 

Yup about an hour of walking a day is really all it takes. But I already said that didn't I, somewhere.

 

 

 

My parents made a point of walking places and taking us with them. We would go on a stroll around the neighbourhood after supper. I am suggesting you start this type of trend for the sake of your children even more so than your wife.

 

...but I thought fit has no ability to influence or control his wife's behavior?

 

 

Walking works for an overall life choice.

 

The point is that there's no excuse for not being able to stay minimally physically fit because walking an hour or so a day will do a pretty good job of it. No equipment needed, no money needed, no fancy clothes, nothing.

 

 

 

 

And yes, I do expect you to dismiss and argue this advice as you have dismissed and argued most advice given you other than "you poor thing".

 

But it's not fit who needs the advice to "go walking." It's fit's wife. She just won't do it

 

 

So here you go "You poor thing". Does it suck when our spouses fail us or (intentionally or not) deceive us? Yes. Is it right. No! But guess what you are human too and I'll bet not as much of a treat to live with all the time either. I try to focus on my failings (which I can work on) rather than on where my husband's failings lie.

 

Now I'm confused. Did your h lose the weight or not?

 

 

Your wife does not come from a family where exercise is normal so yes, you are going to have to be the force of change in your immediate family just as I am in mine. You can cry about the unfairness of it but that's life and the choices you made in who you married!

 

 

This sounds good but it directly contradicts a bunch of people who don't feel fit can possibly influence his wife to exercise and eat right.

 

The only thing all you ladies have in common is being hyper-critical of fit, rather than of his wife.

 

Interesting.

[InceptorsRule]

I also come from a family where morbid obesity is the norm and they know the are fat.

 

Why am I not surprised? This explains your perspective.

 

 

They don't need to be told.

 

Actually they need to be told over and over and over until they do something about it. The problem is as you state, they have made morbid obesity "normal." Therefore deviation from that "normality" has been made verboten, in thought, word, and deed. It sounds like fit's wife might be from the same kind of family dynamic. By making morbid obesity the "normal", there's simply no one around to do the telling. People who don't comply with "normal" end up "opting out" entirely. Or being pushed out. That's how it is with any cult-like mentality.

 

You probably don't feel that you can go to say a Thanksgiving Dinner, stand up, and say something like: "For god's sake Mom that's your sixth helping of mash potatoes and gravy!!! You're grossly obese and you're killing yourself!!! And so is everyone else is this crazy family!!!" Well maybe you did that once or twice but it was ignored and chalked up to rebellious youth, and you gave up trying?

 

But in fact that's what needs to happen.

 

The problem is no one in your family of origin really care enough--about themselves, about each other--to do anything about the problem. It's a sick kind of group think and it's easy to see glimmers of the same kind of mentality in any social group, including on line.

 

Right now it appears that fit and perhaps myself are playing the role of "skunk at the garden party." Oh well.

 

 

 

I put on 15kg after an accident and was not able to exercise at all

 

OK, you had a definable reason for your weight gain, which was an episodic response to a reduction in normal activity level due to an actual physical disability/injury. That's not in any way comparable to "voluntary" low level of activity combined with gluttony leading to chronic obesity.

 

 

 

 

I am really happy my husband didn't push me on this issue. It took two years for me to be able to return to activity and during this time he supported me and helped me identify my self sabotaging efforts and supported on little things.

 

So even though you had an ACTUAL PHYSICAL INJURY you were still able to overcome it and LOSE THE EXCESS WEIGHT.

 

Is your point that people should be able to lose weight unless they are fit's wife?

[mem11363]

Ultimately the biggest driver of national obesity is that it is accepted as normal in many places.

 

As for this whole "you need to do what you want for YOU" philosophy I think it can be taken WAY to far. Sorry - but in a healthy marriage, there is a built in behavioral regulator called a "desire to please". And if you lose that, you may stay together but you won't be happy.

 

Please lets not talk about losing weight as if it is comparable to climbing Everest. Losing weight is about creating a sustainable exercise schedule/meal plan that you can live with long term and that at least initially allows you to burn more calories than you consume.

 

What the hell ever happened to personal pride anyway?

 

 

Why am I not surprised? This explains your perspective.

 

 

 

 

Actually they need to be told over and over and over until they do something about it. The problem is as you state, they have made morbid obesity "normal." Therefore deviation from that "normality" has been made verboten, in thought, word, and deed. It sounds like fit's wife might be from the same kind of family dynamic. By making morbid obesity the "normal", there's simply no one around to do the telling. People who don't comply with "normal" end up "opting out" entirely. Or being pushed out. That's how it is with any cult-like mentality.

 

You probably don't feel that you can go to say a Thanksgiving Dinner, stand up, and say something like: "For god's sake Mom that's your sixth helping of mash potatoes and gravy!!! You're grossly obese and you're killing yourself!!! And so is everyone else is this crazy family!!!" Well maybe you did that once or twice but it was ignored and chalked up to rebellious youth, and you gave up trying?

 

But in fact that's what needs to happen.

 

The problem is no one in your family of origin really care enough--about themselves, about each other--to do anything about the problem. It's a sick kind of group think and it's easy to see glimmers of the same kind of mentality in any social group, including on line.

 

Right now it appears that fit and perhaps myself are playing the role of "skunk at the garden party." Oh well.

 

 

 

 

 

OK, you had a definable reason for your weight gain, which was an episodic response to a reduction in normal activity level due to an actual physical disability/injury. That's not in any way comparable to "voluntary" low level of activity combined with gluttony leading to chronic obesity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So even though you had an ACTUAL PHYSICAL INJURY you were still able to overcome it and LOSE THE EXCESS WEIGHT.

 

Is your point that people should be able to lose weight unless they are fit's wife?

[fit]

For the record..

My wife was NOT obese when I met her or for the first decade of our relationship...this is a recent occurrence. So despite the obese family...she wasthe exception

 

Also...I never said I was embarassed to be seen with her...that was a link to another thread that I did not write.

Counseling...read my posts...I explained it all there.

 

Wife and I are working on it...its an uphill battle.

When you have kids and stuff its not as simple as "accept her or leave her"

I dont accept the lack of effort and I am trying to change that.

Do I think she should do it on her own...absolutely. But sometimes you can lead a horse to water....etc

 

So its a work in progress. I was hoping to tap into someone here who may have had similar experiences and overcame it(from either side).

Somehow I think the majority are obese themselves and in denial, acting like its ok and it doesnt bother their partner because they "say" it doesnt.

Keep thinking that...if your spouse is fit and your obese....trust me. It bothers them. And yes your ass looks gigantic in those pants.

[ufo8mycat]

Actually they need to be told over and over and over until they do something about it. The problem is as you state, they have made morbid obesity "normal." Therefore deviation from that "normality" has been made verboten, in thought, word, and deed. It sounds like fit's wife might be from the same kind of family dynamic. By making morbid obesity the "normal", there's simply no one around to do the telling. People who don't comply with "normal" end up "opting out" entirely. Or being pushed out. That's how it is with any cult-like mentality.

 

I am not sure how you came to the conclusion that I am hypocritcal. Perhaps I have not articulated my position clearly.

 

Has telling someone they are fat over and over again worked for you? Did it help you lose weight? Did someone you are close to share their appreciation with your repetition?

 

I think there is a time where harden up, here is a spoon of concrete, just do it, works. When a behaviour has an emotional basis it can be risky and once you tell someone they are lardy and you are not attracted to them you can't take it back. It may be the wake up call, it may not. Fit has not given much details on what is tried that has worked and what hasn't. He hasn't given much feedback at all on the questions answered in this thread.

 

The normalising of obesity is an interesting if not circular argument. It is something I hold concern for. The projected biggest cost to public health is obesity related. In my state we simply can't afford for the costs associated with an ageing, overweight population and all the co-mordidities that brings. Average size doesn't mean its a good thing. Locally we have federal campaigns to encourage adults (particularly middle aged) to monitor their weight. Expanding waist lines are a known issue. I am not sure what is in place internationally.

 

So please do not put words in my mouth, I have less than 30 posts, you can't know my position on everything

 

 

 

You probably don't feel that you can go to say a Thanksgiving Dinner, stand up, and say something like: "For god's sake Mom that's your sixth helping of mash potatoes and gravy!!! You're grossly obese and you're killing yourself!!! And so is everyone else is this crazy family!!!" Well maybe you did that once or twice but it was ignored and chalked up to rebellious youth, and you gave up trying?

 

Has this worked for you in the past?

 

I assume you mean the general "your" rather than me specifically? I personally have never felt the above but we don't have Thanksgiving in Australia and our family get togethers are a bit different. I have rolled my eyes at family members asking for desert after lunch. Again, I don't get too caught up in the eating habits of people who don't hugely influence me. I live a long way from my family.

 

The problem is no one in your family of origin really care enough--about themselves, about each other--to do anything about the problem. It's a sick kind of group think and it's easy to see glimmers of the same kind of mentality in any social group, including on line.

 

This may be the case for Fit's wife. Or the more reason why she needs his support in going against the norm.

 

 

OK, you had a definable reason for your weight gain, which was an episodic response to a reduction in normal activity level due to an actual physical disability/injury. That's not in any way comparable to "voluntary" low level of activity combined with gluttony leading to chronic obesity.

 

Agreed

 

So even though you had an ACTUAL PHYSICAL INJURY you were still able to overcome it and LOSE THE EXCESS WEIGHT.

 

Yes because it was a priority to me and I am hugely competitive. I am not Fit's wife.

 

Is your point that people should be able to lose weight unless they are fit's wife?

 

No, my point is that she needs to do it for herself but this thread isn't about Fit's wife. I can't advise her. Fit is here asking the question. There are some really practical strategies.

 

The WHY is a critical question and I don't believe we have an understanding of why she is overeating when from Fit's perspective she is unhappy with her weight. What strategies can Fit help her with when she wants to turn to food?

 

My husband put on a bit of weight when he started travelling. Particularly to the US due to the spectacular portion sizes. It took a while but between us we worked out some ways that he could manage his food better when travelling. It was something we did together. It is just an example but it appears Fit and his Wife are not on the same page.

 

If the marriage is important to Fit he needs to get a better understanding of this. Send her to a dietican, help her understand the barriers.

 

I still suffer from chronic pain and I got into the habit of drinking everynight. I was using it to wind down and it became the only way I knew to ease the constant pain and anxiety. I didn't even realise it. Once it was worked out (and it was never mentioned by my husband) it did take some time to learn alternative ways of relaxing or handling stress.

 

Fit's wife may be using food for the same reason. I have no idea but i know it is possible to learn new behaviours.

 

I hope fit is getting something from this discussion and comes back and updates us on his thoughts.

[fit]

Fit has not given much details on what is tried that has worked and what hasn't. He hasn't given much feedback at all on the questions answered in this thread.

 

Maybe I didnt detail it in my first post on this thread but I have in other threads.

I have worked out with my wife, given her all the time she needs to do any workjouts she wants. Bought her any piece of workout equipment she wanted (treadmill, eliptical) and any home workout routine she wanted (p90,p90x, jillian Michaels, etc)

We do buy mostly healthy food with very little snacks. However she does have gluten intolerance so I think that limits her choices a bit. Having said that--I really think its about the portions and not necessarily "twinkies".

 

There are times I get frustrated when I know she stops trying(especially when she is mad at HERSELF for stopping) but for the most part I am very supportive.

 

We have great sex and I treat her and her body the same as always.

I know if and when she is able to overcome this and get close back to her normal weight and fitness level she will be the first one to admit that she didn't make the effort and she felt fat and gross and weak as a result. She may feel this now, but doesn't admit it all the time.

 

Honestly I think she seems to fall out of working out and eating right when she is around her family a lot. They celebrate every little thing with over eating and desserts and cakes and cookies and ice cream and every other chunk of crap they can shove down their throats. They are jolly and happy ON THE OUTSIDE and really seem to make all this eating FUN. They all make fun of women who are skinny together....."they are anorexic, they look sick, life is too short to be obsessed with your appearance...etc"

To be honest...its sickening to me. I hear it every get together and its gross.

They know I am very much into a fit lifestyle so they tone it down a bit I guess when I am around. Don't get me wrong...I love chocolate myself..IN MODERATION. If you are 5'6 and over 300lbs you don't know anything about the word moderation. Is my wife at that point...no. Could she get there...maybe.

Should I just say "oh honey, I love you just the way you are" and let it happen ? Hell no. Being that heavy is a disgusting abuse of your body and inconsiderate to everyone around you. Why the hell would any woman...obese or not think that is acceptable ?

Any woman who is overweight...and ..and somehow loses the weight...would completely change their outlook if they actually took the steps to drop the weight and commit to a healthy lifestyle. OWN YOUR PROBLEM. Stop blaming others for your weaknesses.

 

 

If the marriage is important to Fit he needs to get a better understanding of this. Send her to a dietican, help her understand the barriers.

 

I hope fit is getting something from this discussion and comes back and updates us on his thoughts.

 

I am and I have

[giotto]

her overeating is obviously the symptom of some other underlying problem... until you both find out what it is and solve it, she will carry on like this...

[xxoo]

If you are 5'6 and over 300lbs you don't know anything about the word moderation. Is my wife at that point...no. Could she get there...maybe.

Should I just say "oh honey, I love you just the way you are" and let it happen ? Hell no. Being that heavy is a disgusting abuse of your body and inconsiderate to everyone around you. Why the hell would any woman...obese or not think that is acceptable ?

 

How does this relate to your marriage and your wife? Why are you living in fear of this extreme, instead of enjoying the wife you have right now? You know, the one you are attracted to and have great sex with.

 

Your wife knows she's fat, and hates it. Do you think she thinks being 300# is acceptable? If not, what does it matter what other people think?

 

her overeating is obviously the symptom of some other underlying problem... until you both find out what it is and solve it, she will carry on like this...

 

"the beatings will continue until morale improves"

[mark982]

fit, i can feel for you, at one point my wife was 1 twinkie away from 300 lbs. i never came out and told her"hey honey you're fat" though i felt like it everyday. she'll lose the weight pretty much when SHE is good and ready, yea it sucks but you keep harping on it she will just do the opposite to pizz you off.

[fit]

How does this relate to your marriage and your wife? Why are you living in fear of this extreme, instead of enjoying the wife you have right now? You know, the one you are attracted to and have great sex with.

 

Your wife knows she's fat, and hates it. Do you think she thinks being 300# is acceptable? If not, what does it matter what other people think?

 

"the beatings will continue until morale improves"

 

Its called being proactive. If I told my wife a year ago that she would weigh almost 70 lbs more than her target weight she would have thought I was drunk.

She didn't think 200, 190, or 180 was acceptable and yet she has approached all of these weights.

xo are you obese or overweight ? Your perspective sounds that way...

Its called "stopping the bleeding" .

Do you think someone who is 300 lbs ever in a million years thought they would get that way ?

Did you ever think that because more than HALF of our nation are OBESE that people CANT do it on their own without some type of intervention from SOMEONE ?

Do you think theres a reason why theres 5 million shows on tv about losing weight exist ?

You ever watch the biggest loser ? Do you think the way they yell at the obese contestants and make them get their fat asses on the treadmill is insesnsitive ? Do you think that sensistivity and reason actually wokrs with those people ?

[giotto]

Its called being proactive. If I told my wife a year ago that she would weigh almost 70 lbs more than her target weight she would have thought I was drunk.

She didn't think 200, 190, or 180 was acceptable and yet she has approached all of these weights.

xo are you obese or overweight ? Your perspective sounds that way...

Its called "stopping the bleeding" .

Do you think someone who is 300 lbs ever in a million years thought they would get that way ?

Did you ever think that because more than HALF of our nation are OBESE that people CANT do it on their own without some type of intervention from SOMEONE ?

Do you think theres a reason why theres 5 million shows on tv about losing weight exist ?

You ever watch the biggest loser ? Do you think the way they yell at the obese contestants and make them get their fat asses on the treadmill is insesnsitive ? Do you think that sensistivity and reason actually wokrs with those people ?

 

yes, but WHY is she getting fat?

[fit]

yes, but WHY is she getting fat?

overeating and not enough exercise. Same as everyone else in america.

Trust me...shes not depressed, shes just not motivated to do it...Im trying to find out what I can do to help motivate her that I havent already done. Her reasoning for being overweight reads like a laundrylist of anyone whos ever been out of shape..."not enough time, too busy, kids are too much, etc etc .."

all excuses...

[giotto]

overeating and not enough exercise. Same as everyone else in america.

Trust me...shes not depressed, shes just not motivated to do it...Im trying to find out what I can do to help motivate her that I havent already done. Her reasoning for being overweight reads like a laundrylist of anyone whos ever been out of shape..."not enough time, too busy, kids are too much, etc etc .."

all excuses...

 

I wasn't implying she is depressed, and I'm aware that overeating + no exercise = fat, but are you sure this is the reason? Or you mean she is just a gluttonous person who hasn't got the willpower to stop herself? Have you really asked her why she overeats? Overeating is a form of comfort. She is comforting herself for some reason. Maybe she is not entirely happy with her life (and I don't mean because she is fat)...

[carhill]

OP, you joined LS on March 16, 2010. Prior to the five months you've spent here, how long have you been chasing this issue?

 

I searched this thread with one keyword- doctor. The search engine returned no results. Tell us again, if you did prior somewhere else, what the doctor's opinion of your wife's health is. Blood panels OK? Thyroid OK? Hemoglobin OK? etc, etc.

 

In counseling, did you set a timeline *for you* as to how long you're going to chase your wife on this issue? How much energy, time and emotion you're going to expend? Do you think that timeline is healthy? If you didn't set one, why not?

[xxoo]

No, Fit, I've never been overweight.

 

I agree that 60-70# is unhealthy. I agree that she should lose the weight, for her own health and because she has drastically changed in appearance since marrying you.

 

I disagree that you making this an issue in your marriage is going to help. In fact, I think it nearly guarantees failure (of her weight control, and possibly of your marriage). That's all I'm saying. If you can not accept her as she is (not extrapolating worst case scenario, but as she is), by all means be honest with her and give her a chance to change--but be prepared to let her go. Staying with her long term, while not accepting her, is unhealthy for you, her, and the marriage.

 

Those people on the biggest loser? They chose to be there.

And, that drill sergeant? NOT their spouse. You don't want to be the person she loves to hate.

[giotto]

No, Fit, I've never been overweight.

 

I agree that 60-70# is unhealthy. I agree that she should lose the weight, for her own health and because she has drastically changed in appearance since marrying you.

 

I disagree that you making this an issue in your marriage is going to help. In fact, I think it nearly guarantees failure (of her weight control, and possibly of your marriage). That's all I'm saying. If you can not accept her as she is (not extrapolating worst case scenario, but as she is), by all means be honest with her and give her a chance to change--but be prepared to let her go. Staying with her long term, while not accepting her, is unhealthy for you, her, and the marriage.

 

Those people on the biggest loser? They chose to be there.

And, that drill sergeant? NOT their spouse. You don't want to be the person she loves to hate.

 

As usual, xxoo is spot on... when you divorce because your husband's got fat, you can marry me...

[InceptorsRule]

fit, i can feel for you, at one point my wife was 1 twinkie away from 300 lbs. i never came out and told her"hey honey you're fat" though i felt like it everyday. she'll lose the weight pretty much when SHE is good and ready, yea it sucks but you keep harping on it she will just do the opposite to pizz you off.

 

 

Wow.

 

One thing I simply don't get is the sheer amount of SELF-CONTROL and SELF-DISCIPLINE some of you folks have. (Maybe there's something to that--the overweight spouse is the one lacking in self-discipline, who marries someone who is their "opposite" in this personality trait--a very controlled individual?)

 

You've never gotten ANGRY at your w--not necessarily over this issue, it could be anything you're fighting with her about--and just decided you needed to "fight dirty" and then start throwing her obesity in her face? Not even ONE time?

 

The other thing that strikes me is, there's a way to communicate the same info. calmly, not during a fight. What you're saying is you NEVER have sat down for a calm discussion with your wife and ever said something like: "Honey I love you very much but you're fat and it bugs the heck out of me."

 

It seems to me if YOU feel inhibited from telling a truth like this to your wife, even in a very calm manner, she's using her blubber to emotionally blackmail you. Not fair to you at all.

 

WHY do you feel as if you are NOT ALLOWED to tell her how her obesity makes YOU feel?

[fit]

OP, you joined LS on March 16, 2010. Prior to the five months you've spent here, how long have you been chasing this issue?

 

I searched this thread with one keyword- doctor. The search engine returned no results. Tell us again, if you did prior somewhere else, what the doctor's opinion of your wife's health is. Blood panels OK? Thyroid OK? Hemoglobin OK? etc, etc.

 

In counseling, did you set a timeline *for you* as to how long you're going to chase your wife on this issue? How much energy, time and emotion you're going to expend? Do you think that timeline is healthy? If you didn't set one, why not?

I think when I initially joined it was too close to her pregnancy as far as expecting her to lose weight. As time has wore on...she has been cleared to resume any and all exercise. Months ago..

Ive been chasing the issue on and off for the last few months. My wife has never been to a dietician, and honestly compared to a lot of america shes "normal". Her doctor weighs 300lbs...and hes like 5'8''. So Im thinking he doesnt see anything wrong. As far as my timeline...I dont have a timeline. I will try as long as I can or until I get fed up and cant anymore.