When your partner lets themselves go...how do you tell them ?

[keane2010]

I'm no expert, but I've lived with a wife with eating disorders for 22 years, so I'd really encourage acceptance and help her accept herself, which may lead to a proactive approach to weightloss.

 

I thought for 20 years that I was navigated this issue fairly well. I encouraged my wife to exercise, but always let her know it was mainly because she struggled with self-hatred. The primary way of discussing was to let her know I accepted her, so I would love to help her accept herself. She was suicidal and bulemic/anorexic early in the marriage and has always sought personal therapy. Now, she's pretty large, but not morbidly obese.

 

Me, I've always been a weightlifter, and a very positive person. She always said I was her motivator, but I went though a bad spell when my doctor thought I had a terminal illness. I think I gained about 12 pounds, but the health issue reversed and I'm now back to health. I sensed something was bothering my wife during this time and kept asking. In a very careful fashion she said she found the sadness and weight gain disgusting. Of course, she did not mean for it to be hurtful.

 

The moral of the story? I wish I knew.

[sheryl]

I wanted to jump in on this one. I didn't read all the responses there are so many.

 

I am a thin person who's never been able to gain. My husband can look at food and gain. We've always been in a situation where I constantly tried to look good for him but never found the same in return. Over a year ago when we were going through some marital issues I brought it up. I told him that It did bother me. He's a very picky man about women. If he see's a woman on tv that has the slightest bit of fat he calls her fat. His vision of women are playboy playmates - period. I pointed out to him how he would he feel if I become as large as he had. He kindof jokingly said "i'd divorce your a$$" but told me it was different because I was a woman and was suppose to look good. It don't matter for men.

 

So my story is a little different but fact is he doesn't seem to care. Your woman seems to care. I've had friends/coworkers that hated being over weight but lacked the discipline to do much about it or always looked for easy way's out like diet pills and crash diets rather than realizing they needed a lifestyle change.

 

My suggestion is building her self confidence (find SOMETHING you find attractive about her and compliment her often). For me self confidence was like my first piece of candy. Once I got a taste of it, it grew. The more confident I became the more I did for myself, with myself etc. I grew to become a self confident person who takes pride in what she looks like, how I carry myself etc. So i'd work on that for a little. Also, be involved in your home eating habits. I make sure I don't keep alot of junk food in the house. If it's here, he'll find it and eat it. I buy and cook more healthy choices.

 

If you all fry your chicken mention hearing about some broiled recipe that may taste better (don't make it about not having fat cause she'll know your referencing her weight). Say a grilled chicken salad sounds really good and help make it. but make it about you and health not her and her weight. Now, will that work? - dunno but worth a try. It didn't for me but my situation is different. Mine doesn't care about his weight. You can't up and divorce someone over fat cells on their body. I think once she does start loosing it will spiral for her. She'll start feeling better and want more of it

 

I just see the day his manhood is hid being very near. It's already disappearing under the rolls. LOL!

[fit]

great responses thanks guys. Mem1163---you guys seem to have a very open honest marriage and your I really like your wifes honesty with you and her demand of honesty from you. More marriages should be like yours, its quite refreshing.

Sheryl...your husband sounds very demanding looks wise for someone who could care less about his own appearance. Its true guys can hold a LITTLE more weight and still look good but rolls of fat dont look good on any sex !! Does it turn you off to him sexually a little ?

Wife and I are working on things, shes been working out every other day and I assume shes eating better. Im working so who knows but I think shes trying, I will continue to try and do things with her that are active. We just got done doing a p90x workout....woohoo !

Edited August 28, 2010 by fit