When your partner lets themselves go...how do you tell them ?

[carhill]

So, medically, your wife is healthy, as of a few months ago. Interesting, my internist, even though I'm 'healthy', has told me, 'carhill, you're getting older. You keep that weight on, and diabetes, hypertension and heart disease could be knocking on your door before you realize it. Do you want that?' The difference is he's my age, a triathlete and goes backpacking in the Himalayas on vacation. He has a different perspective. Like everything else in life, we *choose* our doctors. Stbx, even though she was/is 'obese', sought out this kind of medical perspective, if only for balance. Perhaps there's a change you and your wife can look at wrt medical care; something more in line with your goals.

 

Your circumstances are unique to you, as are your choices, but I established a timeline of one year, once MC had begun, to observe significant movement towards healthy compromise and bend on the essential issues and, if not perceiving such circumstance, then move to divorce. No ambiguity. Like I said in MC, someone has to lead or it's a clusterf*ck. Hope you find your path

[InceptorsRule]

I think when I initially joined it was too close to her pregnancy as far as expecting her to lose weight. As time has wore on...she has been cleared to resume any and all exercise. Months ago..

 

OK then she has no medical excuse not to start exercising and eating right.

 

 

Ive been chasing the issue on and off for the last few months. My wife has never been to a dietician, and honestly compared to a lot of america shes "normal".

 

Well then she's really put zero effort into this hasn't she. Love Shack there's absolutely no excuse for fit's wife to not even have bothered to go to a dietician to get some help on this.

 

 

 

 

 

Her doctor weighs 300lbs...and hes like 5'8''. So Im thinking he doesnt see anything wrong.

 

Yes it's like going to marriage counseling for an infidelity problem to some guy who's been divorced eight times due to cheating on his wife.

 

 

 

As far as my timeline...I dont have a timeline. I will try as long as I can or until I get fed up and cant anymore.

 

I can see why you have been floundering, it's because you don't have a specific PLAN of ACTION. Unfortunately to get things done in this world, esp. when we are trying to motivate other people who are reluctant to cooperate, we have to do things like "set goals," and "deadlines" etc.

 

Another thing you have to do is figure out specific "consequences" that you can enforce if she doesn't comply with the PLAN of ACTION that you formulate.

 

Basically you have to look at this entire deal as if you are now a PARENT dealing with a reluctant, belligerent CHILD. Or an elderly parent who is mentally incompetent and thus "child like." Because your wife has completely abdicated her own personal responsibility, she has regressed into "child mode." She cannot help herself right now. You will have to do ALL THE MOTIVATIONAL WORK until she gets motivated enough to be able to self-motivate.

 

Someone mentioned biggest loser and drill seargeants. No, no spouse wants to be drill seargeant but if you want to solve this problem you've been handed the job by default.

 

Ultimately you can't actually control her, you can only provide incentives/disincentives for various behaviors you want to encourage/discourage and consequences if she evades the rules you are setting for her.

 

This will require A HUGE AMOUNT of work, for YOU, so best get mentally prepared for it. Remember the DRILL SEARGEANT has to get up earlier than the recruits and stay up later at night and generally has to be BETTER at everything they are learning how to do.

 

First thing I would do if I were you is cut off all access your wife has to money and credit other than is directly doled out be you. Why? Well you can't figure out where the extra calories are coming from....she's probably stopping at convenience stores between meals/when you're not around, buying snack foods, and gorging herself. She's not working? O.K. She gets ZERO spending money. ZERO. Because you can't trust her not to spend it on something to eat.

 

Second thing I would do is get ALL FOOD OUT OF THE HOUSE except stuff like fresh fruits and vegetables, and only healthy stuff. No JUNK whatsoever. (Surprised if you haven't done this already.) NO soda. None of that garbage.

 

Third thing I would do is YOU GO to a dietician, on your own, explain the situation, and ask for a diet plan for your wife. Also go to an exercise specialist and ask for an exercise plan for her.

 

You take the diet plan and the exercise plan and you post that on the refrigerator. And you simply tell your wife: "OK this is the drill now. This is your diet and your exercise plan and I expect you to follow it to a 'T'."

 

And then you have to hound her to do your best to make sure she follows it.

 

She exercises first thing in the morning. YOU set your alarm clock an hour early, you get up, you are responsible to get HER out of bed, you make sure she does her exercises. If necessary you dump her out of the mattress onto the floor or play some rock music really loudly. You start imposing new habits and new behaviors on her lifestyle. And you do this every day.

 

Until she starts to realize that IT AIN'T GONNA STOP till she GETS WITH THE PROGRAM.

 

Food? Well guess what--now YOU are the FAMILY CHEF. You prepare ALL the meals. If necessary you do it on the weekend and make freezer meals that can be quickly nuked when you get home.

 

You have to constantly MONITOR her behavior and what she's doing and bring her up short if she "violates" the PLAN.

 

If you find any food in the house that you did not specifically purchase and put there, if you find any food stashed where it shouldn't be, you THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE IMMEDIATLEY. No ifs ands or buts.

 

If she complains and whines you simply say: "You're my wife and I'm your husband and I love you. You're killing yourself and you're killing our marriage. I have to do this because you are incapable of doing it for yourself." And then FOLLOW THROUGH.

 

And if she threatens to LEAVE? You have to call the bluff. Tell her: "There's the door. Come back when you are ready to get with the program."

 

Tough? Yes. A lot of work? Yes. Nasty? Yes. Mean? Yes.

 

But also....necessary. And unfortunately you are the ONLY one who can do it. Maybe it won't work. But you have to at least try.

[daisymae]

I'm in a very similar situation right now.

 

My boyfriend and I are both very interested in fitness, and we workout together most of the time, so we are very involved in each other's abilities and goals. For the most part, we share the same goals (except, of course, for the really huge manly muscle part.. I just want to be strong ).

 

That said, a little background on me. I have never been "the skinny girl." I was (and still am) the type of girl who, at 5'9", could hold her own on a basketball court with the 6'3" giants. I wasn't the cheerleader. I am not fat, but I have always been a little insecure about my weight. However, since I was 15 (I'm 24 now), I have stayed at approximately the same weight. I never really been able to lose weight. I know that the biggest reason for that is I value my ability to perform, and it has always been a lot more fun to hit a new PR or win a game of one on one than it has been to focus on asthetics.

 

Last night, my boyfriend came out and told me (after hesitating and telling me that it was going to be hard to hear) that he had been thinking lately that he would be more attracted to me if I was about 10 or 15 pounds lighter. I was pretty heartbroken to hear that. He tried to explain afterwards that he was still attracted to me, just that it had been bugging him lately. It didn't matter at that point... my confidence was shattered.

 

But here's the thing. A couple of weeks ago, I had seen that my scale weight had risen by about 20 pounds more than I'm comfortable with. I don't weigh myself very often, so I was pretty shocked to see that. I had been monitoring my diet, trying to eat certain things at certain times of the day. I didn't ever feel as if I was overeating... I had just as many 1800 calorie days as 2200 calorie days, and was pairing them with my workouts. I felt as though my gain was mostly muscle (I hadn't noticed a significant difference in size, my clothes fit the same) but I was uncomfortable weighing that much, so I decided to try and tweak my routine to add more cardio than I had been used to, and continue to monitor my diet to see if I could continue making progress on my current goals (I was hitting PRs just about every week), but lose some of the gristle at the same time. My boyfriend knew this, since we workout together. I didn't know he had noticed a size difference until he told me.

 

Since last night, I've noticed that my motivation for reaching that goal has completely changed. I'm not doing it for me anymore. Now I feel like I have to do it for him, or he'll lose all attraction to me and I'll lose a great relationship. Believe it or not, but that is much LESS motivating for me because it is a really depressing thought. I'm still going to do it, but it's no longer just something I'm doing. It's something I feel like I have to do or else. (to be fair, he never gave me an ultimatum, and he has stressed that it isn't THAT much, but it still felt like it)

 

If your wife complains about it, she knows. She is searching for reassurance from you by complaining, because she is feeling insecure. If she is really someone who considered fitness important at some point or another, she will come around and decide to change. Right now, it could be that she hasn't reached the point where it bothers her enough yet. Or it could be that she remembers how to stay fit, but doesn't know where to start to lose weight.

 

I'm going to have to agree with the advice that many others have given here. If you want her to be successful with this, it's got to be primarily her goal. I feel that today, I'm able to fight the depressing thoughts because it was already my goal, and because my boyfriend has offered to alter his diet and workout schedule right along with me. You can give her a bit of a push by bringing up the fact that you notice her insecurity. Let her know that you're here to help. Give suggestions. Keep reminding her that it is sexy for you to see her happy and confident, and that it is obvious to you that something is bothering her, and that is bothering you. Encourage the heck out of her when she mentions doing more to lose the weight and get fit.

 

In the end, she will make her own decision. And of course, you get to make yours. (That's what being an adult is all about, right?)

[Enema]

So Fit.

 

It's been a few threads now and pages and pages of discussion and advice.

 

What have you decided to do?

[giotto]

I'm in a very similar situation right now.

 

My boyfriend and I are both very interested in fitness, and we workout together most of the time, so we are very involved in each other's abilities and goals. For the most part, we share the same goals (except, of course, for the really huge manly muscle part.. I just want to be strong ).

 

That said, a little background on me. I have never been "the skinny girl." I was (and still am) the type of girl who, at 5'9", could hold her own on a basketball court with the 6'3" giants. I wasn't the cheerleader. I am not fat, but I have always been a little insecure about my weight. However, since I was 15 (I'm 24 now), I have stayed at approximately the same weight. I never really been able to lose weight. I know that the biggest reason for that is I value my ability to perform, and it has always been a lot more fun to hit a new PR or win a game of one on one than it has been to focus on asthetics.

 

Last night, my boyfriend came out and told me (after hesitating and telling me that it was going to be hard to hear) that he had been thinking lately that he would be more attracted to me if I was about 10 or 15 pounds lighter. I was pretty heartbroken to hear that. He tried to explain afterwards that he was still attracted to me, just that it had been bugging him lately. It didn't matter at that point... my confidence was shattered.

 

But here's the thing. A couple of weeks ago, I had seen that my scale weight had risen by about 20 pounds more than I'm comfortable with. I don't weigh myself very often, so I was pretty shocked to see that. I had been monitoring my diet, trying to eat certain things at certain times of the day. I didn't ever feel as if I was overeating... I had just as many 1800 calorie days as 2200 calorie days, and was pairing them with my workouts. I felt as though my gain was mostly muscle (I hadn't noticed a significant difference in size, my clothes fit the same) but I was uncomfortable weighing that much, so I decided to try and tweak my routine to add more cardio than I had been used to, and continue to monitor my diet to see if I could continue making progress on my current goals (I was hitting PRs just about every week), but lose some of the gristle at the same time. My boyfriend knew this, since we workout together. I didn't know he had noticed a size difference until he told me.

 

Since last night, I've noticed that my motivation for reaching that goal has completely changed. I'm not doing it for me anymore. Now I feel like I have to do it for him, or he'll lose all attraction to me and I'll lose a great relationship. Believe it or not, but that is much LESS motivating for me because it is a really depressing thought. I'm still going to do it, but it's no longer just something I'm doing. It's something I feel like I have to do or else. (to be fair, he never gave me an ultimatum, and he has stressed that it isn't THAT much, but it still felt like it)

 

If your wife complains about it, she knows. She is searching for reassurance from you by complaining, because she is feeling insecure. If she is really someone who considered fitness important at some point or another, she will come around and decide to change. Right now, it could be that she hasn't reached the point where it bothers her enough yet. Or it could be that she remembers how to stay fit, but doesn't know where to start to lose weight.

 

I'm going to have to agree with the advice that many others have given here. If you want her to be successful with this, it's got to be primarily her goal. I feel that today, I'm able to fight the depressing thoughts because it was already my goal, and because my boyfriend has offered to alter his diet and workout schedule right along with me. You can give her a bit of a push by bringing up the fact that you notice her insecurity. Let her know that you're here to help. Give suggestions. Keep reminding her that it is sexy for you to see her happy and confident, and that it is obvious to you that something is bothering her, and that is bothering you. Encourage the heck out of her when she mentions doing more to lose the weight and get fit.

 

In the end, she will make her own decision. And of course, you get to make yours. (That's what being an adult is all about, right?)

 

now, THIS IS depressing... why do men have to ruin a relationships like this for 10 pounds of weight? Really silly...

[just_some_guy]

now, THIS IS depressing... why do men have to ruin a relationships like this for 10 pounds of weight? Really silly...

 

You could easily flip that around and ask why women have to ruin relationships like this for 10 pounds of weight?

 

Seriously. It is a two way street.

 

I think we OWE it to our mates to maintain ourselves in good health and hygiene.

 

Frequently, especially after marriage, we (both sexes) let ourselves go and get sloppy, fat and lazy. It is taking the other for granted when we don't.

 

Sure, unrealistic expectations are just that, unrealistic. But the lack of self-care is in my estimation, grounds for a divorce.

[giotto]

You could easily flip that around and ask why women have to ruin relationships like this for 10 pounds of weight?

 

Seriously. It is a two way street.

 

I think we OWE it to our mates to maintain ourselves in good health and hygiene.

 

Frequently, especially after marriage, we (both sexes) let ourselves go and get sloppy, fat and lazy. It is taking the other for granted when we don't.

 

Sure, unrealistic expectations are just that, unrealistic. But the lack of self-care is in my estimation, grounds for a divorce.

 

6 pounds is nothing... she shouldn't be worried about putting 6 pounds on, especially if she is a fit person. I feel sorry for her and she should chuck such an idiotic controlling boyfriend...

[fit]

Six pounds is ridiculous. I could care less if my wife put on 16 lbs from her normal weight. Unfortunately shes put on about 60 and that I do care about.

You know I think I may discuss the doctor thing with her. My wife I would say probably works out at a minimum twice a week and a max of maybe 4 times.(either running for a minimum of 3 miles or doing a workout DVD...

a hard one like P90x)

 

We do not eat badly---shes gluten intolearnt so theres many things she cant eat. We dont have a million cakes and cookies in the house either.

Its quite possible she may have a medical issue she is unaware of. Either that or she is gorging herself when I am not around, which I find hard to believe but I guess it is possible. I am around on the weekends and it doesnt seem that way. I will mention to her.

[InceptorsRule]

Six pounds is ridiculous. I could care less if my wife put on 16 lbs from her normal weight. Unfortunately shes put on about 60 and that I do care about.

You know I think I may discuss the doctor thing with her. My wife I would say probably works out at a minimum twice a week and a max of maybe 4 times.(either running for a minimum of 3 miles or doing a workout DVD...

a hard one like P90x)

 

We do not eat badly---shes gluten intolearnt so theres many things she cant eat. We dont have a million cakes and cookies in the house either.

Its quite possible she may have a medical issue she is unaware of. Either that or she is gorging herself when I am not around, which I find hard to believe but I guess it is possible. I am around on the weekends and it doesnt seem that way. I will mention to her.

 

 

The bolded is the only possible explanation. There HAS to be a logical explanation for the weight gain, it HAS to be a calorie surplus. You're saying the food in the house is healthy, and she's not over eating when you're around; also if she does exercise THAT much--3 miles a few times a week--that SHOULD be enough to be re-calibrating her physiological equilibrium to where she SHOULD be starting to lose some weight, even if very slowly.

 

"Secret eating" is something that A LOT of people with a weight problem engage in--it's like she's "cheating" on you, only with food. People with weight problems never "break" their diet, they "cheat" on their diet.

 

I remember a long time ago going out a few times with a woman who seemed nice and attractive, but there was something "off" about her. She was not stick thin but didn't seem overweight either--she seemed reasonable proportions for her frame size.

 

However I started to notice she would have junk food "stashed" around in various places--like a 2 pound bag of M&Ms in an opened overnight bag. When I asked "hey what's that for, going trick or treating or something?" as an off handed reference, I don't remember her response exactly, but she acted very "guilty" like I had "caught her", told me not to worry about it or something, and shoved the candy down in the bag where it couldn't be seen.

 

The relationship didn't go very far because of other issues (I think she had a bf and I was auditioning for "Mr. Backdoor Man" LOL and didn't make the cut). But I remember thinking it was pretty whacked out, and if the relationship had gone anywhere I would have def. paid more attention to that girl's relationship with food.

 

Some other people have referenced, and I would tend to agree, that there is very likely some strong EMOTIONAL component to your wife's relationship with food. She is overeating as an emotionally expressive act.

 

If there was some way you could come up with to RE CHANNEL that emotional energy, it might take her focus off of food. A lot of people who turn things around are able to do so by refocusing from the food to the exercise program itself. They become exercise-aholics instead of food a holics. By the same token some people put all their manic energy into their jobs and become workaholics.

 

But, it doesn't HAVE to be exercise that she refocuses on. It can be almost ANYTHING that provides an EMOTIONAL OUTLET for your wife.

 

I'm thinking maybe something ARTISTIC. Some project or craft-oriented thing, something where she actually has to use her hands--painting, needlepoint, something to KEEP HER BUSY and OCCUPIED but which has an emotionally satisfying end result to her labors on it.

 

If you are able to successfully help her to redirect her energies it will also hopefully result in behavioral modification, so that when she feels a "stress" she will respond by doing whatever the hobby or activity is, rather than turning to consumption of food.

 

Just some ideas to kick around.

[InceptorsRule]

You could easily flip that around and ask why women have to ruin relationships like this for 10 pounds of weight?

 

Seriously. It is a two way street.

 

I think we OWE it to our mates to maintain ourselves in good health and hygiene.

 

Frequently, especially after marriage, we (both sexes) let ourselves go and get sloppy, fat and lazy. It is taking the other for granted when we don't.

 

Sure, unrealistic expectations are just that, unrealistic. But the lack of self-care is in my estimation, grounds for a divorce.

 

 

Obviously if one wants to cut and run from a marriage something like this might provide a justification for doing so, but not everyone reacts to a major life problem by ditching the relationship entirely. Most states have no fault divorce anyway or "irreconcilable differences" which is so vague it can be almost anything--you don't really need a "good reason" to get a divorce. But fit's not looking for excuses to get divorced, he wants to stay.

 

In any case, unless you think that fit getting divorced from his wife will magically result in her losing the weight, a divorce really doesn't adequately deal with the problem, does it?

[xxoo]

My wife I would say probably works out at a minimum twice a week and a max of maybe 4 times.(either running for a minimum of 3 miles or doing a workout DVD...

a hard one like P90x).

 

That is a LOT more than I "worked out" when I had an infant. I'd say her effort is VERY high. My youngest is now 3, and I'm just getting back to the point where I can run 3 miles. I'm naturally thin and walk a lot, but still....Fit, this is a LOT of effort for a woman still postpartum.

 

when you divorce because your husband's got fat, you can marry me...

 

Deal, Giotto

 

Seriously, though....we have photographic evidence that he has been fat since we've been married (maybe 30# heavier than he is now), but I somehow didn't notice. I look through the photos and say "When were you so fat?" He was still the same great person, so I guess it just didn't matter :::shrug:::

[xxoo]

My wife I would say probably works out at a minimum twice a week and a max of maybe 4 times.(either running for a minimum of 3 miles or doing a workout DVD...

a hard one like P90x)

 

I have to admit, this makes me wonder how difficult you are to live with, Fit.

 

You've gone on and on here claiming it is about the effort, but this is a LOT of effort. It has to be very demoralizing to put in this amt of effort, and still be seen as "not making enough effort" to your spouse just because the weight isn't dropping off. For an emotional eater, feeling demoralized will mean eating for comfort.

[just_some_guy]

Six pounds is ridiculous. I could care less if my wife put on 16 lbs from her normal weight. Unfortunately shes put on about 60 and that I do care about.

You know I think I may discuss the doctor thing with her. My wife I would say probably works out at a minimum twice a week and a max of maybe 4 times.(either running for a minimum of 3 miles or doing a workout DVD...

a hard one like P90x)

 

We do not eat badly---shes gluten intolearnt so theres many things she cant eat. We dont have a million cakes and cookies in the house either.

Its quite possible she may have a medical issue she is unaware of. Either that or she is gorging herself when I am not around, which I find hard to believe but I guess it is possible. I am around on the weekends and it doesnt seem that way. I will mention to her.

 

 

 

She may not be gorging herself, but grazing is a real diet killer. A little bit of this and a little bit of that all day long. This happens a lot easier than most people think. In an environment with children around, especially so.

 

My wife who hit 360 lbs didn't gorge herself while I was around either. But it was the continuous snacking and the poor choices in meals over a long period of time that pushed her weight up over the last decade that I've known her.

 

It is all psychological as well.

[ufo8mycat]

I agree with xxoo, that sounds to me like a decent effort for someone responsible for two kids and a house. It is still coming across that her effort isn't good enough and she may well pick up this.

 

People comfort eat for a reason and you need to get to the bottom of why she is seeking comfort from food.

 

I also think seeing a doctor and dietician. I am not sure what food labeling laws are like in the US but in AU all packaged foods (including yoghurt, milk etc) have to have their nutitional values on this. So total Kj, protein, fats sugar etc. If she is gluten intolerant she may find this a bit hard to assess. Other than meat and fruit and veg, most gluten free foods are often higher GI and kj than their gluten inclusive comparision.

[fit]

I have to admit, this makes me wonder how difficult you are to live with, Fit.

 

You've gone on and on here claiming it is about the effort, but this is a LOT of effort. It has to be very demoralizing to put in this amt of effort, and still be seen as "not making enough effort" to your spouse just because the weight isn't dropping off. For an emotional eater, feeling demoralized will mean eating for comfort.

 

It IS all about the effort. However losing weight and becoming a NON-Obese person requires diet AND exercise. Because you exercise doesnt mean you can eat anything you want. Obviously it isnt enough effort or she wouldnt be obese.

 

I mentioned the health issue to her---that I am concerned and we can go see a doctor to see if shes haveing a thyroid issue or anything like that.

She then started to say that its not a medical issue and she wont go to the doctor. She said that she doesnt really keep to a set diet and sometimes eats way too much during the day. She then said she is tired of me worrying about what she eats. I said to her as her lifetime partner I have a right to be concerned about her health and that I obviously still love her and am still attracted to her but this is a valid concern. Keep in mind...shes 60 lbs overweight ! She doesnt want to go to the doctor because she doesnt want an offical verdict of a doctor telling her shes "obese" because she knows its true.

As expected, no matter how I approach this, she paints it black and white and how I would only want someone who's a size 2 and that I am obsessed with appearance. Meanwhile the reality is she has always been 10-15 lbs overweight and it has never been an issue for me. We will see how this plays out

[carhill]

OP, color me oblivious, and perhaps that's a function of my dysfunctional marriage, but why on earth, being married for many years, aren't these issues faced as a *team*? I'm sure you and your wife have faced many serious life challenges together, relevant to circumstances both within and outside of your control, so what's up here?

 

So, the doc says 'babe, you're 60 over; let's make sure you're up to snuff medically before getting started on this issue'. So what. Hell my doctor tells me that ever time he sees me. Here's a question for you.... say you went in for your physical and found out you had diabetes and had to make wholesale lifestyle changes. Where would your wife be? Would she be off doing her own thing or would she be right there in the mix, standing by your side? I experienced the former, hence getting divorced. What's your story?

 

Lastly, newsflash and I smack myself for saying this. Women don't react to issues involving their essential self-image like it's a math problem. She's not adding two plus two. Think of it more as the logic (that's sarcasm) of a tornado. Which direction will Toto be flung in next?

 

Good luck

[fit]

OP, color me oblivious, and perhaps that's a function of my dysfunctional marriage, but why on earth, being married for many years, aren't these issues faced as a *team*? I'm sure you and your wife have faced many serious life challenges together, relevant to circumstances both within and outside of your control, so what's up here?

 

So, the doc says 'babe, you're 60 over; let's make sure you're up to snuff medically before getting started on this issue'. So what. Hell my doctor tells me that ever time he sees me. Here's a question for you.... say you went in for your physical and found out you had diabetes and had to make wholesale lifestyle changes. Where would your wife be? Would she be off doing her own thing or would she be right there in the mix, standing by your side? I experienced the former, hence getting divorced. What's your story?

 

Lastly, newsflash and I smack myself for saying this. Women don't react to issues involving their essential self-image like it's a math problem. She's not adding two plus two. Think of it more as the logic (that's sarcasm) of a tornado. Which direction will Toto be flung in next?

 

Good luck

Carhill I am not getting what your saying. Outside of doing workouts and eating for her I am doing everything I can to help her.

She doesnt want to hear "I'll help you workout" or "we can change our diet together"...she wants me to accept her no matter what her weight balloons up to and never mention it. She equates me loving her with me being attracted to her no matter what. Even if her weight is a direct result of her letting herself go, and as a result, letting me go.

I AM attracted to her, but the lack of real effort, actually GAINING weight since pregnancy almost a year ago, and the general act of not caring enough to do something about it is very much a turn off for me. I work out, I try to look good for her, when I take my shirt off for her she says its exciting...when she does for me its the opposite.

So she wants me to be buff but doesnt care to reciprocate. Thats BS...

I am not too picky here...not only does the extra weight look bad it has to be causing havoc on her system. Because her peers are all morbidly obese and not DEAD I guess she thinks its ok. Its not....not for me. Her older relatives have all sorts of weight related health problems and Im guessing probably havent really cared about their appearance in decades. I dont want that for me, my kids OR her.

[carhill]

'Honey, I want to feel that we are a team in this marriage and face life and our issues *together*. I'm not feeling that. For me to remain married, I need to feel that. It's essential. Can you give me that?'

 

You might not like the answer. I certainly didn't, but I finally, after many months of MC, had the emotional strength to act upon it in a healthy way, calmly. Your path is unique to you. Flagellating yourself here on LS is counterproductive, IMO.

[xxoo]

Carhill I am not getting what your saying. Outside of doing workouts and eating for her I am doing everything I can to help her.

She doesnt want to hear "I'll help you workout" or "we can change our diet together"...she wants me to accept her no matter what her weight balloons up to and never mention it. She equates me loving her with me being attracted to her no matter what. Even if her weight is a direct result of her letting herself go, and as a result, letting me go.

I AM attracted to her, but the lack of real effort, actually GAINING weight since pregnancy almost a year ago, and the general act of not caring enough to do something about it is very much a turn off for me..

 

I think you need to acknowledge the difference between real effort and failing, and the lack of real effort. It isn't that she isn't trying. It is that she is trying and failing. It's different.

 

She doesn't need you judgment and criticism. She needs help! (professional help understanding why she eats compulsively). But she needs to realize that herself. And right now, because you are involving yourself, she is focusing on battling you rather than facing her own issues. As long as you are involved, she will stubbornly dig in her heels and fight you rather than fighting her issues.

 

Of course, this is a seperate issue in the marriage. Why do you battle for control this way? It should be as Carhill says--working together as a team. But it isn't. It wasn't that way with the work issue, and it isn't that way with the weight issue. I believe that is the larger, overarching issue in your marriage, and the weight is just the current battle ground. But, as I've said before--her weight is something you CANNOT control. If you choose to wage the battle for control on the subject of her weight, you WILL lose--lose it all.

[BlackLovely]

This really is the bottom line.

 

And leads me to ask, do men really divorce over fat? Really? Leave your best friend, the mother of your kids, your lover....because she's fat?

Fit, has she otherwise "let herself go"? Frumpy hair and clothes? Does she groom herself nicely for you?

 

Yes, men do this all the time, because most them are shallow and focus mainly on looks.

I met a man years ago, who was in the process of divorcing his wife for the same reason. I told him that he was selfish and cruel, to put his children through a divorce, just because she gained some baby weight.

Since men cannot experience pregnancy and the physical changes that accompany it, many males are insensitive to what a baby can do to a woman's body.

This is not to say that wives don't leave fat husbands. It's just that I don't see it happening as often.

[giotto]

She needs help! (professional help understanding why she eats compulsively).

 

I asked fit this a while a go, but I don't think I got a clear answer. fit needs to find out why is wife is eating compulsively and then take it from there. There is no point trying to cure the symptoms without knowing what the problem is...

[fit]

I asked fit this a while a go, but I don't think I got a clear answer. fit needs to find out why is wife is eating compulsively and then take it from there. There is no point trying to cure the symptoms without knowing what the problem is...

 

How can I find out the problem when she doesnt think there is a problem ? We have had heated discussions over this the last couple days because my direct feeling is if you let yoursdelf go, and by becoming medically obese you have let yourself go....then you are disrespecting the marriage.

Sometimes I think her being with me is the best and worst thing for her.

I have been a fit person...ALWAYS. I was like that when she met me. My dedication towards fitness I guess was something she viewed as attractive and would be a good influence on her. What was previously described as "dedication" is now described as "obsession" . She has always struggled with weight...but has never been more than 10-15 lbs overweight. This was never a big deal to me...but now it is because it is so much and it doesnt look good. We discussed this months ago...and shes done some things but we all know consistency and diet discipline is whats needed and thats just not happening. I am finding it very hard to convince her that its wrong to be obese when everyone else in her life is morbidly obese and tell her shes too thin when shes in shape.

[xxoo]

She doesn't think it is ok to be obese. She makes derogatory comments about her body, and makes jealous comments about thin women. You don't have to convince her that her weight is a problem.

 

But since you keep bringing it up.....she's responding defensively. Can't you see that, fit?

 

How can I find out the problem when she doesnt think there is a problem ? We have had heated discussions over this the last couple days because my direct feeling is if you let yoursdelf go, and by becoming medically obese you have let yourself go....then you are disrespecting the marriage.

Sometimes I think her being with me is the best and worst thing for her.

I have been a fit person...ALWAYS. I was like that when she met me. My dedication towards fitness I guess was something she viewed as attractive and would be a good influence on her. What was previously described as "dedication" is now described as "obsession" . She has always struggled with weight...but has never been more than 10-15 lbs overweight. This was never a big deal to me...but now it is because it is so much and it doesnt look good. We discussed this months ago...and shes done some things but we all know consistency and diet discipline is whats needed and thats just not happening. I am finding it very hard to convince her that its wrong to be obese when everyone else in her life is morbidly obese and tell her shes too thin when shes in shape.

[giotto]

How can I find out the problem when she doesnt think there is a problem ?

 

well, I think she does, but she is in denial. Not a lot you can do about that...

[SpanksTheMonkey]

How can I find out the problem when she doesnt think there is a problem ? We have had heated discussions over this the last couple days because my direct feeling is if you let yoursdelf go, and by becoming medically obese you have let yourself go....then you are disrespecting the marriage.

Sometimes I think her being with me is the best and worst thing for her.

I have been a fit person...ALWAYS. I was like that when she met me. My dedication towards fitness I guess was something she viewed as attractive and would be a good influence on her. What was previously described as "dedication" is now described as "obsession" . She has always struggled with weight...but has never been more than 10-15 lbs overweight. This was never a big deal to me...but now it is because it is so much and it doesnt look good. We discussed this months ago...and shes done some things but we all know consistency and diet discipline is whats needed and thats just not happening. I am finding it very hard to convince her that its wrong to be obese when everyone else in her life is morbidly obese and tell her shes too thin when shes in shape.

I think you two just need to pack it up its obliviously quite a issue for you if she "doesn't look good" and shes obliviously not in a place emotionality or physically to be able to deal with that issue right now.

 

That said seeing as its hard for you to stand by her regardless of that then yeah its time for you two to go your septate ways nothing good can come of this as of this point JMO...