When your partner lets themselves go...how do you tell them ?

[torranceshipman]

This seems to be a recurring issue.

My wife is in her 30's, attractive. Stay at home mom---2 kids. One is a year old the other is 8.

During the pregnancy my wife put on about 60 lbs which went down to about 45 after the baby. Since then she has tried some exercise routines and diet changes but never lasted more than 2 weeks. Shes not depressed (she has a pretty active social calendar and laughs and has fun daily), she has plenty of time to work out if needed. I share responsibility of raising the kids and give her whatever time she needs to do things for "her".

Ive done workouts with her---missed my own workouts so she could workout (because I know motivation is harder for her). I still desire her and we have a decent amount of sex and I try to treat her like shes the sexiest woman in the world.

However---because she has stopped working out (outside of maybe once a week) and isn't eating well, she seems to have put back almost all of her baby weight. The lack of motivation on her behalf is really frustrating. She wasn't always like this but she definitely is now. All her friends are overweight to some degree and all of her family is obese to morbidly obese. I thought I got lucky with the one family member who actually cares about their health but I'm beginning to think maybe not. Any suggestions ? I am pretty fit myself--no Schwarzenegger but definitely a good body.

Ive tried to approach this every way possible but nothing seems to work. She is VERY sensitive about this topic and hates the fact that she is overweight but doesn't seem to have the desire to make a change and stick to it.

Any suggestions ?

 

To be honest, you sound loving and like you care for her, so I am sure that you deliver any message in a loving way. I think the time has come to tell her that you really have noticed the weight gain, and that you are worried about the impact on her health if this continues (this is a very real concern), and that you want the kids to always have a fit, healthy role model in both on you. Maybe a little more directness is actually needed.

 

Also...why were you in counselling? Because the issue seems to be that she is fat and needs to lose some weight (weight which she is self conscious about and doesn't like, that lowers your attraction to her, and which is unhealthy). She doesn't need a counsellor, she needs a personal trainer and a gym.

 

What about this....go on a health kick, put together a home gym, and get both of you a PT...I bet she'd like it, she could get excellent exercise advice in her own home, the PT would tell her about the right diet, she'd feel less pressure from you if your remit was 'i sooo want us to do this together', suggest tennis, exercise classes, pilates (whatever) together...I bet this will help.

Edited August 20, 2010 by torranceshipman

[carhill]

Also...why were you in counselling?

Perhaps of less relevance now, but this thread might indicate where the desire/impetus for counseling came from. The OP evidently felt strongly enough about the issues raised there, or other issues, to desire professional help. It appears, after ten sessions or so, his W wished to not continue. Ten sessions is still a lot though, so they should have made some progress to clarity.

 

From what I'm reading here, they're pretty much at a stalemate. I haven't read much about the mutual bend (compromise) part, but imagine there has been some. Hope it works out

[fit]

Inceptor you have had much better material, this is only semi amusing.

 

xxoo--I know shes being defensive. But really--its impossible to break thru that. I have attacked this issue on many fronts...and none seem to work. Me saying I am concerned about her weight to her equals..."your fat and I am grossed out by you".....she has always been insecure about her weight so I guess she is sensitive to it. This must be why she has all friends who are fatter than her. And we have a gym and belong to one.

There are no other excuses other than she lacks motivation.

Hopefully that will change...she can stay pissed at me all she wants. I dont really care. I was very respective in how I approached her, its the truth and she knows it. Oh and why wouldnt someone leave someone over getting fat ? Not as a result of pregnancy but just in general. If you marry a thin woman and she totally decides to let herself go (this goes for men too) than I think as a spouse you have every right to leave..of course you have to REALLY try to make things work first. If people cant love themselves they sure as hell cant love you. And no one who is obese loves themselves.

[InceptorsRule]

Inceptor you have had much better material, this is only semi amusing.

 

Thanks, you have given me food for thought.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Fit,

 

I think your wife just enjoys throwing her weight around. It sounds like you really need to chew the fat with her about her attitude. This is a whale of a problem, I'll admit. She's really made a pig's breakfast of things, hasn't she?

 

This is a heavy problem and it would be difficult for anyone to wrap their arms around it so I sympathize with you.

 

The fat's really in the fire now, though. Taking a "weight and see" attitude probably won't do any good. I guess you just have to try to balance the scales and do what you think is best. It's hard because when a man tries to deal with a problem like this logically, his woman just tends to blubber.

 

Inceptor you have had much better material, this is only semi amusing.

 

xxoo--I know shes being defensive. But really--its impossible to break thru that. I have attacked this issue on many fronts...and none seem to work. Me saying I am concerned about her weight to her equals..."your fat and I am grossed out by you".....she has always been insecure about her weight so I guess she is sensitive to it. This must be why she has all friends who are fatter than her. And we have a gym and belong to one.

There are no other excuses other than she lacks motivation.

Hopefully that will change...she can stay pissed at me all she wants. I dont really care. I was very respective in how I approached her, its the truth and she knows it. Oh and why wouldnt someone leave someone over getting fat ? Not as a result of pregnancy but just in general. If you marry a thin woman and she totally decides to let herself go (this goes for men too) than I think as a spouse you have every right to leave..of course you have to REALLY try to make things work first. If people cant love themselves they sure as hell cant love you. And no one who is obese loves themselves.

 

You two should marry eachother since you both seam to enjoy belittling others its good to share hobbies after all .. fit you clearly can't deal with your wifes weight gain in a mature manner?

 

So as I said earlier its best for you both if you go your septate ways. If some one abused my partner like that weight gain or not I wouldn't laugh along you clearly have no respect for her leave her...

Edited August 21, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey

[fit]

You two should marry eachother since you both seam to enjoy belittling others its good to share hobbies after all .. fit you clearly can't deal with your wifes weight gain in a mature manner?

 

So as I said earlier its best for you both if you go your septate ways. If some one abused my partner like that weight gain or not I wouldn't laugh along you clearly have no respect for her leave her...

 

Clearly you didn't see the comment about the chocolate treadmill. Your missing the humor in his comments and my replies but that doesn't shock me.

 

Anyway--based on your writing style this may be a difficult task for you, but why don't you give me some examples of how I am being dis-respectful.

Better yet, wow us all with your technique of dealing with things in a "mature" manner.

[carhill]

So, name one positive step in the next week which you will take to resolve this issue, irrespective of your wife's physical condition, moods, wishes, desires, dreams and chocolate treadmills. Your first thread on LS about this was nearly six months ago. You're still burning up time here and apparently the status-quo is still firmly entrenched. What are you going to DO?

[fit]

So, name one positive step in the next week which you will take to resolve this issue, irrespective of your wife's physical condition, moods, wishes, desires, dreams and chocolate treadmills. Your first thread on LS about this was nearly six months ago. What are you going to DO?

Same thing I've been doing carhill. Set an example by doing my own workouts and eating the right things. Most of the time we eat together so that will work out well. Doing some workouts with her. Going on walks and some hiking on weekends. Not mentioning this topic anymore because it bothers her, which is fine because I have said my peace on this.

 

You're still burning up time here

You have 17,000 posts...I have 87. Who's burning up time ?

[carhill]

You have 17,000 posts...I have 87. Who's burning up time ?

 

Well, certainly not me on you one more second.... f you

[2sunny]

Same thing I've been doing carhill. Set an example by doing my own workouts and eating the right things. Most of the time we eat together so that will work out well. Doing some workouts with her. Going on walks and some hiking on weekends. Not mentioning this topic anymore because it bothers her, which is fine because I have said my peace on this.

 

 

You have 17,000 posts...I have 87. Who's burning up time ?

 

this controlling approach to get what you want from her will never work (you have evidence of that).

 

when one solution proves it isn't effective - you need to become willing to take action in a different manner. thus, the possibility of a new result may show itself.

 

YOU cannot DO this for HER. SHE will not be motivated by YOU. it needs to come from within.

 

YOU can do something about YOU. take action - anything different than you've tried before...

 

when nothing changes = nothing changes... what are YOU planning to change? remember you can't change HER, only YOU.

 

leave her, that alone allows you control over yourself - you don't have to "look" at what's bothering you so much everyday if you leave. she gets a clear message that you don't intend to "be around" her when she looks that way (you view it as disrespecting and dishonoring herself). this is called a healthy boundary.

 

if you complain about something - you must be willing to DO something about the complaint, or it will most likely always stay the same and you will always complain about it. stop complaining and do something different, ANYTHING that you haven't tried before. this is called action.

 

it gives her time to understand that YOU have a boundary and you're not going to live each day watching her kill herself with food.

 

whether or not SHE gets motivated by your action is up to her. YOU are taking care of YOU.

 

today, what are you willing to CHANGE for YOU that will make the situation different than it is now?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Clearly you didn't see the comment about the chocolate treadmill. Your missing the humor in his comments and my replies but that doesn't shock me.

 

Anyway--based on your writing style this may be a difficult task for you, but why don't you give me some examples of how I am being dis-respectful.

Better yet, wow us all with your technique of dealing with things in a "mature" manner.

 

Oh gee I don't know maybe not laugh along when some jaded guy on the internet makes a quite nasty stab at your wifes weight? But maybe thats beyond you ha? No matter what any one tells you its not going to help shes not responding to what you want so that is that isent it.

 

Seams you have issues of your own to be knocking some strangers "writing style" what nothing better to do? That just shows that at best your quite a judgmental person yourself whats that sayng about glass houses..

 

And then to attack other older members of LS when they were just trying to help I agree with carhill f off..I'm not waisting any more of my time on you. Have fun playing school boy bully with Inter hope it helps the situation at the end of the day...

Edited August 21, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey

[fit]

Well, certainly not me on you one more second.... f you

not nice and kind of immature.

Just because I dont choose to do YOUR method of action isnt fair for you to imply I am wasting my time by getting feedback here.

At best I spend maybe an hour a month here...if I can even get some type of advice or hear from someone in a similar situation its not a waste of time for me.

[2sunny]

not nice and kind of immature.

Just because I dont choose to do YOUR method of action isnt fair for you to imply I am wasting my time by getting feedback here.

At best I spend maybe an hour a month here...if I can even get some type of advice or hear from someone in a similar situation its not a waste of time for me.

 

 

but you certainly are getting great suggestions here... you just need to keep an open mind and be willing to try changing anything and everything YOU can to make the situation different.

 

we know that what you have tried in the past has not worked so far - so to consider "other" suggestions is highly critical.

 

this implies CHANGE... which is hard... but certainly worthwhile.

 

so knowing YOU can't change HER - what are YOU willing to change about what YOU are or aren't doing?

 

there are many times which acceptance is the key - are YOU willing to accept that your wife will not change? if she doesn't change - you either accept that or make more changes for YOURSELF. what will those changes be - what will they look like?

[mem11363]

Your W has a whole cast telling her that YOU are the problem and there is nothing wrong with her. You will never overcome that. She can listen to 6 heavy friends/relatives encouraging her to be more like THEM which is really easy. Or she can listen to her H which is really hard as it requires much effort to lose weight.

 

This is either an "accept" and ignore it or "end it" thing. If she had a different social circle you might have a chance to get her to change.

 

 

 

not nice and kind of immature.

Just because I dont choose to do YOUR method of action isnt fair for you to imply I am wasting my time by getting feedback here.

At best I spend maybe an hour a month here...if I can even get some type of advice or hear from someone in a similar situation its not a waste of time for me.

[fit]

Your W has a whole cast telling her that YOU are the problem and there is nothing wrong with her. You will never overcome that. She can listen to 6 heavy friends/relatives encouraging her to be more like THEM which is really easy. Or she can listen to her H which is really hard as it requires much effort to lose weight.

 

This is either an "accept" and ignore it or "end it" thing. If she had a different social circle you might have a chance to get her to change.

 

Excellent observation mem11363. Im not accepting it and Im not ignoring it. Ive said my peace and the ball is in her court. This is a slow process but shes aware of my feelings. Hopefully that means something, time will tell. I know what I have to do if this doesnt work, hopefully it doesnt come to that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You sound like a control freak. I have read all of your threads. You've depicted your wife fat, lazy, dishonest, and a lot of other unpleasant things. You dislike and disrespect her. You're embarrassed by her.

 

Seems like you are looking for support in your self righteous, entitled "need" for a fit wife. Of course, you have found a couple of like minded fellows to give it to you. Yay for you.

 

Since you feel this way, and think of your wife as a whale, why not stop making her life miserable? If you cannot love her the way she is, move on.

 

Honestly. Marriage is a journey that takes couples through all kinds of changes. I can't even conceive of being with a man who would post so incessantly about such a thing as my weight. If I WERE with such a man, I feel that I might just react by ... EATING. And becoming overweight.

 

Her body is her domain. If you can't stand it anymore, do her a favor and leave her alone. A marriage with such a dearth of love, compassion, empathy, understanding, respect and boundaries does not sound viable anyway.

[fit]

You sound like a control freak. I have read all of your threads. You've depicted your wife fat, lazy, dishonest, and a lot of other unpleasant things. You dislike and disrespect her. You're embarrassed by her.

 

I can't even conceive of being with a man who would post so incessantly about such a thing as my weight. If I WERE with such a man, I feel that I might just react by ... EATING. And becoming overweight.

 

 

I dont think you read all my posts at all, because you certainly wouldnt come to those conclusions if you did.

That Eating to become overweight sounds like a great strategy to get a man to leave or cheat on you and also to give yourself a heart attack. Impressive.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your original post is disingenuous. You don't need to tell your wife she has let herself go - she knows. And you know that she knows of course. You have spent many pages detailing all the ways you've made it infinitely clear that you think she's a big fat fatty.

 

You claimed in another thread that she's "sold you a bill of goods."

 

The link you provided to "men's health," or whatever that was, let us all know that you are not attracted to her and are embarrassed by her.

 

In fact, I don't think a person is at fault if they lose attraction or even some measure of respect for their partner when that partner lets their personal appearance go. I DO think it's important for each person to do their best to be attractive to their mate for the best relationship possible.

 

That being said, you don't address this issue from that perspective at all. It's all about how her weight is not acceptable to you and how are you going to enforce your will upon her.

 

Ugh.

 

I have to be the luckiest woman ever. I met my bf when I had a few extra pounds to lose (20). He liked me anyway. He still does. I am on a diet and he tells me I don't need to lose it. That is quite inspiring to me to succeed!

 

If he were hectoring me about my flab, however, I not only would resent him, I would have a much harder time getting started on the path to slender.

 

I wish your wife had a husband as loving and nice as my boyfriend is to me.

[xxoo]

I have to be the luckiest woman ever. I met my bf when I had a few extra pounds to lose (20). He liked me anyway. He still does. I am on a diet and he tells me I don't need to lose it. That is quite inspiring to me to succeed!

 

If he were hectoring me about my flab, however, I not only would resent him, I would have a much harder time getting started on the path to slender..

 

This is the part that Fit doesn't understand. He fears that, if he doesn't make it clear that Fat is Bad (as if she doesn't know), she'll keep gaining until she's 300# like some other women in the family.

 

I guarantee that every 300# person has had someone (spouse, parent, sibling) haranguing them about their weight all the way up the scale.

 

Treat her as if she is fit and active and healthy--so that she'll view herself as fit and active and healthy, and she'll behave accordingly. This is motivation.

 

Treat her as if she is fat and disgusting, and she'll act/eat accordingly. This is demoralizing and unmotivating.

 

Fit, you need to learn this not only for your wife, but for your kids. Do you have any daughters? Because your daughters have her genes. If you use the same approach with your chubby adolescent, you'll set her up for a lifetime of obesity.

[fit]

 

You claimed in another thread that she's "sold you a bill of goods."

 

The link you provided to "men's health," or whatever that was, let us all know that you are not attracted to her and are embarrassed by her.

 

In fact, I don't think a person is at fault if they lose attraction or even some measure of respect for their partner when that partner lets their personal appearance go. I DO think it's important for each person to do their best to be attractive to their mate for the best relationship possible.

 

I have to be the luckiest woman ever. I met my bf when I had a few extra pounds to lose (20). He liked me anyway. He still does. I am on a diet and he tells me I don't need to lose it. That is quite inspiring to me to succeed!

 

If he were hectoring me about my flab, however, I not only would resent him, I would have a much harder time getting started on the path to slender.

 

I wish your wife had a husband as loving and nice as my boyfriend is to me.

 

Good for you. Really.

This is why I said you didn't read all my posts. As I stated a few pages back, I did not write that post for mens health. I was just pointing out how people who live a fit lifestyle react to this same topic.

 

I may mention on a internet forum that I think my wife is heavy but never to her face and I don't approach it in a harsh manner at all. If you read my posts you would see that my wife has always been a few lbs overweight--10-15 or so and that I have no issue with. I like it as it is soft and womanly.

Your 20 lbs overweight--no biggie...try jacking that up to 80 for a year or so and see if that boyfriend of yours doesn't start having an issue with it.

At some point something DOES need to be said. Its better than cheating or just leaving for some bogus reason. I think its good to give someone an opportunity to change, just as you would an alcoholic or a gambler.

Food addiction is no different. Its a disease like anything else. Because most of america is overweight or obese its not taken as seriously but it should be.

[fit]

This is the part that Fit doesn't understand. He fears that, if he doesn't make it clear that Fat is Bad (as if she doesn't know), she'll keep gaining until she's 300# like some other women in the family.

 

I guarantee that every 300# person has had someone (spouse, parent, sibling) haranguing them about their weight all the way up the scale.

 

Treat her as if she is fit and active and healthy--so that she'll view herself as fit and active and healthy, and she'll behave accordingly. This is motivation.

 

Treat her as if she is fat and disgusting, and she'll act/eat accordingly. This is demoralizing and unmotivating.

 

Fit, you need to learn this not only for your wife, but for your kids. Do you have any daughters? Because your daughters have her genes. If you use the same approach with your chubby adolescent, you'll set her up for a lifetime of obesity.

 

I do understand believe me. Forget about 300 lbs...200 lbs is out of control It just is. I'm aware of approaching this delicately, and I have. Some people no matter HOW you treat them just stop caring and NEED a catalyst to make them take action. Unfortunately for a lot of married folks(men and women) its getting a divorce and having to get themselves in shape to attract a new mate. or going to a high school reunion...whatever. Its a shame it comes to that for some, but its reality. Time will tell if my words and actions motivate her.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm interested to know what YOU contribute to the well-being of your marital relationship besides your fine body, your financial support of her "lazy ass" (a quote from one of your many posts complaining about her; this one regarding her failure to have returned to the work force when your youngest was 5 months old - and which also harped upon her weight), and loads of prodding about working out.

 

Many women get a "protective" shield of lard around their bodies when they don't wish to be close to their husbands. Do you think this might be the case? It sure does not sound like you like or enjoy your wife.

 

Really, I HAVE read all your posts and you sound like the ONLY aspect of your wife that is of interest to you is her body size, except for her failure to earn money.

[fit]

I'm interested to know what YOU contribute to the well-being of your marital relationship besides your fine body, your financial support of her "lazy ass" (a quote from one of your many posts complaining about her; this one regarding her failure to have returned to the work force when your youngest was 5 months old - and which also harped upon her weight), and loads of prodding about working out.

 

Many women get a "protective" shield of lard around their bodies when they don't wish to be close to their husbands. Do you think this might be the case? It sure does not sound like you like or enjoy your wife.

 

Really, I HAVE read all your posts and you sound like the ONLY aspect of your wife that is of interest to you is her body size, except for her failure to earn money.

Ive done workouts with her---missed my own workouts so she could workout (because I know motivation is harder for her). I still desire her and we have a decent amount of sex and I try to treat her like shes the sexiest woman in the world.

 

 

Seems to me like you HAVENT read my posts, maybe the first few sentences of the initial post and thats about it.

Seems to me some of my comments strike a nerve with you, despite your denials. Which explains your one sided comments...

[fit]

Many women get a "protective" shield of lard around their bodies when they don't wish to be close to their husbands. Do you think this might be the case? It sure does not sound like you like or enjoy your wife.

 

.

Wow. Jeopardize your health so your not close to your husband ?

Brilliant strategy. " No " would work too...

[mem11363]

X,

I do think everyone is different. When I had a weight problem my W was patient for a year. And then she bluntly told me it was a turn off. She was not mean. She simply said "this is a turn off to me and you know that and yet I am seeing no effort and that is making me angry"

 

I was mildly traumatized - for one night. And then I started fixing the problem. If she had continued ignoring the problem I would have done so as well as that was easier.

 

And once - yes only once - she had gotten to a weight she did not like and she asked me how I would rate her body on a 10 scale. I said "I love you and am attracted to you" and she frowned and repeated the question adding "do not lie to me or I will hurt you". So I gave her a rating that was brutally honest. She said - "I agree" and proceeded to lose the weight.

 

 

 

This is the part that Fit doesn't understand. He fears that, if he doesn't make it clear that Fat is Bad (as if she doesn't know), she'll keep gaining until she's 300# like some other women in the family.

 

I guarantee that every 300# person has had someone (spouse, parent, sibling) haranguing them about their weight all the way up the scale.

 

Treat her as if she is fit and active and healthy--so that she'll view herself as fit and active and healthy, and she'll behave accordingly. This is motivation.

 

Treat her as if she is fat and disgusting, and she'll act/eat accordingly. This is demoralizing and unmotivating.

 

Fit, you need to learn this not only for your wife, but for your kids. Do you have any daughters? Because your daughters have her genes. If you use the same approach with your chubby adolescent, you'll set her up for a lifetime of obesity.