When they try to reconcile...

[2sure]

I think it is in the way we view it. I think we're saying the same thing, but giving it an ever-so-slightly different definition.

 

When you want it, demand it, hope for it in return, it IS selfish. Just not nasty selfish. KWIM?

 

Yep. I must not forget that I am the same unconditional loving person that told her WS I could kill him in his sleep. NOT gracious!!

[White Flower]

Funny how some posters view any level of disagreement with a sentiment they post as "hitting a nerve". I didn't even read your post. I only responded to what woinlove posted.

 

I might have to go back and read what "hit a nerve" for me and respond to that. LOL.

Thing is you replied to someone who was quoting me so I had to include your quote in my post.

 

Not really funny that 'any level of disagreement...' becomes viewed as hitting a nerve because that is just what it is. And it's quite ok actually. I have nerves that get hit too.

 

For example, if two BS compliment or support each other that is quite all right, but if two OW do the same damn their souls! I suppose I'm not allowed to recognize the kindness in another woman, especially she was once the OW? That is hogwash!

 

And my main point is that both BS AND OW are (usually) good-natured and beautiful people. But some posters will never see it that way, sadly.

[White Flower]

 

Yep. I must not forget that I am the same unconditional loving person that told her WS I could kill him in his sleep. NOT gracious!!

LOL, not one of your usually gracious moments, but completely understandable.

[NoIDidn't]

Thing is you replied to someone who was quoting me so I had to include your quote in my post.

 

Not really funny that 'any level of disagreement...' becomes viewed as hitting a nerve because that is just what it is. And it's quite ok actually. I have nerves that get hit too.

 

For example, if two BS compliment or support each other that is quite all right, but if two OW do the same damn their souls! I suppose I'm not allowed to recognize the kindness in another woman, especially she was once the OW? That is hogwash!

 

And my main point is that both BS AND OW are (usually) good-natured and beautiful people. But some posters will never see it that way, sadly.

 

WF, If you follow most of my posts, I am no different if a BS is deluding themselves either.

 

Like I said, I didn't read your post. I read the one that was in response to it. In an open forum, I am allowed to ignore information that I am not commenting on. A general comment shouldn't have you up in arms over it.

 

So, again, my post had nothing to do with yours. I don't really care if I hit a nerve or not. I try not to think myself or my posts that important to people I have no emotional connection to.

[White Flower]

There is nothing more glorious than total, unconditional love.

 

There is nothing more painful than unrequited love.

 

On this, I think we all agree.

I do agree.

 

However, I do not believe love, depending on how we use the word, comes without conditions...

 

An English professor pointed that out in class over and over and he's pretty much right. A M contract is FULL of conditions. Laws, societies, everything is full of conditions.

 

Real love has no conditions but those of us who recognize the difference between logic and love get it. We govern with our minds but love with our hearts. That is where forgiveness and acceptance come in. And we constantly redefine what conditions we are willing to accept over time, depending on what we can and cannot forgive.

[White Flower]

WF, If you follow most of my posts, I am no different if a BS is deluding themselves either.

 

Like I said, I didn't read your post. I read the one that was in response to it. In an open forum, I am allowed to ignore information that I am not commenting on. A general comment shouldn't have you up in arms over it.

 

So, again, my post had nothing to do with yours. I don't really care if I hit a nerve or not. I try not to think myself or my posts that important to people I have no emotional connection to.

Trust me NID I am not up in arms over anything. Enjoy your day.

[wheelwright]

I guess I have two answers. I question my OWN faith in myself, my abilities and the people around me everyday. I have and will have days of mustard seed faith and days of enough faith to help pass on to anyone who wants it. All the questions that I had about the whys, hows, and whens were a huge part of most of my life. When things were going my way...my faith was great(easy huh?). When things were horrible and nothing seemed to be going right...I not only questioned God...I probably cursed him too. (brilliant on my part:().

 

When I figured out that I am capable of nothing, worth nothing, will never be anything without the blood that Jesus shed for my sins, to make me whole...I no longer had to question myself or Him. I am complete...meaning I will always be content to learn and grow as I try to give only a piece of what was given to me.

 

And yes there are things that I am completely in the know about. I know that I will never be able to change the things of my past, yet they are forgiven never to be brought up again. I know that one day I will be with those I love again. I know that I will always sin and fall short, but everyday is full of new grace and mercy. I know that we all have that same gift available to us if we chose it. I know that it isn't too late to discover who you are and what your purpose is until that last breath. And I know without a doubt God hates the sin, but loves us sinners.

 

Will I have days that I say, "why me?" I can guarantee it...but those are the days that the faith you already have comes to anchor you and build even stronger faith for the next test. And just for the record...religious isn't something that I think of myself. I think of my self as a follower of Christ. Religion is made for men by men. I just want to follow Christ not the rules of a particular sect

 

I am sorry my pc was kaputt and I didn't say earlier that this is very beautiful.

 

I see you as a strong person from this, and also someone who struggles with their own strength in the form of humility. I hope that makes sense and you don't mind me saying it.

 

Best, WW

[herenow]

Occasionally, I have a look at another website forum which is predominatley used by BS's. In reading their reconciliation forum, I have noticed that there doesn't appear to be too many people doind so well and appear to be very unhappy, even after a couple of years into R.

 

What I have observed is;

 

BS's always have to play detective, constantly ask the WS about the affair, always question their whereabouts, check their phones and emails.

 

WS's constantly have to answer BS's never ending questions about the affair, try incredibly hard to make up for their wrong doing and are and will be forever under "surveillance"

 

My question is. Why do people keep putting themselves through this misery? It would be emotionally exhausting and drive me crazy!

 

I don't have the time to read this thread, so I will just address the OP.

 

As a BS, I can only say I'm glad I gave my marriage another chance. My first instinct was to run and get a divorce. That would have been the easy way to go.

 

Was it miserable? Yes in the beginning, but it was way worth it. There is no set time frame for this sort of thing. It can take years as you say, but in the end, it's a choice to stick with something that is truly worth the effort it takes to get there.

 

The only answer I can give as to why people go through what would be "emotionally exhausting and drive me crazy" according to you is that they feel there is a chance to make it work. It doesn't always work out, but when people are willing to try, then why not?

[wheelwright]

There is nothing more glorious than total, unconditional love.

 

There is nothing more painful than unrequited love.

 

On this, I think we all agree.

 

I would question whether either of these exist.

 

And IF they do, you could equally say there is nothing more awful than unconditional love (eg daughter becomes a serial killer) or that there is nothing more wonderful that unrequited love (eg someone who lives to be altruistic and gets a kick out of nothing in return)

 

But I think they don't exist.

 

It is glorious to love and be loved, it is awful to be hurt by one you love.

 

In the case of unrequited love, I do not classify this as love, as love has to be two way. For me, it's the nature of the beast.

 

It would be something like self-defeating desire, or even 'fog'.

 

Although there is parent-child love for autistic children. But these would acknowledge a very different kind of R from what I know.

 

Caring?

 

Love?

 

I know some of my extended family I love, some I just care about. Sometimes they sit on the border.

 

But all I love I care about.

 

There is nothing about duty in the difference. I do not know how to explain the difference in the quality of feeling. But it exists. And I would give my life more readily for those I love.

Edited August 20, 2010 by wheelwright