When they try to reconcile...

[Spark1111]

This is true...but I would venture to say that the difference comes from the fact that LS is populated by many BS and OP. So in comparing LS with SI, you're comparing apples and oranges. When left alone in the room/forum, BS are hardly the only members of the triangle capable of being full of hate and destructiveness. Oh, no. If you want to compare the gleefulness of people in a similar situation egging each other on with other apples, then I'd suggest you compare these people on SI with the people on that other site that is dedicated to OW...that would be a much more fair comparison. I have read things on that site that send my eyebrows way up into my hairline. The OW there are often more than eager to wish harm upon the BS.

 

People in any situation can be cruel and say terrible things; the useful thing about LS is that since both BS and OP are here and interact more, there is more opportunity to see each other as people. As BnB pointed out, that's the most important part. Despite the animosity that happens here from time to time, I think that's a real positive thing.

 

I agree with this!

 

You can find vitriol if you really want to look for it on many sites.

 

And it also depends on which forum you select. I think generally, the numbers are small, and if not small, stupid IMHO.

 

No healing while still hating.

[bentnotbroken]

As an analogous situation - were my H's xW to die (from whatever cause) and I were to post about it on LS, I would certainly not expect the news to be greeted with clappy hands... That seriously is just :sick::sick::sick::sick: Would you really want to be M to someone like that????

 

 

No I wouldn't want to married to someone like that, but then again I wouldn't /didn't want to be married to someone willing to help hurt someone else.

[jennie-jennie]

This is true...but I would venture to say that the difference comes from the fact that LS is populated by many BS and OP. So in comparing LS with SI, you're comparing apples and oranges. When left alone in the room/forum, BS are hardly the only members of the triangle capable of being full of hate and destructiveness. Oh, no. If you want to compare the gleefulness of people in a similar situation egging each other on with other apples, then I'd suggest you compare these people on SI with the people on that other site that is dedicated to OW...that would be a much more fair comparison. I have read things on that site that send my eyebrows way up into my hairline. The OW there are often more than eager to wish harm upon the BS.

 

People in any situation can be cruel and say terrible things; the useful thing about LS is that since both BS and OP are here and interact more, there is more opportunity to see each other as people. As BnB pointed out, that's the most important part. Despite the animosity that happens here from time to time, I think that's a real positive thing.

 

I just read a thread today on an OW forum about whether the OW feel badly for the BS or not and was amazed at how kindly they talked of the BSs.

[White Flower]

Some of the BS's on LS, after years of posting are still angry and bitter, does the hatred ever subside? In some cases it's gone beyond unhealthy, of which I have no word to describe it.

 

My last exH went through massive amounts of money, so I began to check into where the money was going. I was shocked to find that all that money was going to strippers...OMG I was pissed. We had only been M'ed a month (he was stationed elsewhere). He also had a couple of gf's and one he thought was pregnant ....and....the daughter of his CO.

 

I began to become extremely insecure and hated strippers and the clubs...I mean a deep hatred. He ended up getting thrown in jail and wanted me to bail him out...nope.

 

Ok, I move out where he was hoping to reconcile after him getting out of jail...he promised those incidents would never happen again....well they did just in a different way. Me and my daughter get home to discover he's on the pc (my radar is up as I believed him to be addicted to sex of any kind)...well my daughter tells me that she wasn't sure but she thought it might be child porn....HOME GIRL LOOSES IT...he freaks out because it is not a pretty sight when I loose it ...lol....he leaves (he ends up going UA from the USMC)...I call the cops to have the pc checked ....I hate calling the cops, BUT child abuse is intolerable in my book...

 

He goes UA (unauthorised absense) and 9/11 takes place three days later...basket case doesn't even begin to describe it. My daughter was in school at the time and we were 10/15 min away from the Pentagon. I have been emotionally paralised ever since.

 

This is just a tiny segment, and haven't even thought of this till now to give as a description of the MANY things I have to be angry about...and mine are nothing in comparison to POW's and the injustice they endure.

 

I don't like to give any of these things that have happened to me power over my emotions...in fact I rather like this exH, we don't talk, but it would be friendly and he would help me or my daughter if we ever needed it...I don't hate him or his strippers, nothing anymore...

 

It is my hope that the BS's will reconcile with their greatest hatreds/fears, if that be OW or whatever.

You are one caring, forgiving, and beautiful lady. And one more attribute that needs to be said, you are STRONG! I feel I am in good company.

[White Flower]

I just read a thread today on an OW forum about whether the OW feel badly for the BS or not and was amazed at how kindly they talked of the BSs.

I have noticed this a lot too. And when we see BS getting bashed here we usually tear them down as trolls.

 

I remember a particular troll calling the W dumpy and sloppy and I jumped all over that one because that is just wrong! He either loves you or he doesn't, let's not get nasty.

[jennie-jennie]

I just read a thread today on an OW forum about whether the OW feel badly for the BS or not and was amazed at how kindly they talked of the BSs.

 

Some of the OW felt badly for the BS, some didn't, but they all spoke kindly and with respect about the BSs. No bashing.

 

And if an OW had been wife-bashing, the moderators would have intervened. It is strictly forbidden.

 

So it seems this OW site is very different from what is being said in this thread about SI.

Edited August 18, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[White Flower]

OW and White Flower. I love your responses, they are brilliant!

Aww shucks:love:

Regarding SI, that is one interesting forum... The bitterness on there is palpable. If a lot of the posters put more effort into their relationships rather than spend so much time on there spewing vitriolic remarks about their WS and OW they may just find that they can salvage their relationships! The problem is they all encourage each other with their loathing. I understand they are looking for some guidance but I am afraid, it's not a great place to learn how to heal...

Loathing of others as well as self-loathing has no function at all except to paint someone as ugly, which in turn makes us look ugly.

 

How does that serve to reconcile the M? If he stays with her he is forever reminded of the 'ugliness' he had with me and if he stays with me I refuse to look upon anyone in his past as ugly because that is for him to decide.

 

Which one is a more pleasant future?

[pureinheart]

I don't frequent any of the other discussion sites...one I have pondered recently a little...but I guess LS is my discussion "home and family".

 

I really like the OM/OW forum on LS because of the attitude, and regardless of who it is, if there is bashing going on, from no matter what side, it is rarely tolerated.

 

Most say the relationship of the OM/OW is unhealthy, although hatred is worse. Bashing is bashing period, and I like the objectivity of this forum:)

[White Flower]

 

Sorry WF, but I don't believe it is easier to stay. If someone claims they are so miserable and they do, what I feel to be such a completely disrespectful act to step out on their marriage, why stay? Come on. You (not you - a cheating person) can only play the 'victim' role for so long. Poor me, mean spouse at home, needs not met, boo hoo. If someone is that unhappy - LEAVE. No one is holding a gun to their head. I don't buy this "bad guy" stuff for leaving. I never, ever felt like a 'bad guy' for ending my marriage. I felt RELIEF. It would have been worse for me to stay, to continue to be so miserable and so unhappy. Divorce isn't THAT hard. Heck, even with a contested divorce, while the process gets dragged out, it can STILL be accomplished. I just have a really hard time with cheating. I think it is cruel, it borders on abusive and it is just cowardly. That is just MY view on it and I don't expect anyone to agree with it. It is just how I feel.

 

 

 

It's not easier to stay? it's not easier to keep assets instead of legally and financially splitting them? it's not easier to keep stuff in one place than to haul it to another location? it's not easier having kids come to one Christmas dinner instead of two? It's not easier facing your kids at on their wedding day with your spouse on your arm instead of someone new?

 

OK.

 

You don't 'buy the bad guy' stance because it is no ingrained into your personality, but that doesn't make it invalid. You're just refusing to see another person's persepective. I'm not making excuses for him, believe me, but I do believe he has real fears involved.

 

I believe in being honest and open and respectful to the person you married. I get falling out of love. I get drifting apart. What I don't get is cheating. I don't get how that is fair to the BS OR the Other Person.

 

Of course, so do I. That is why I had to end my M.

 

?? what? How does a state pressure someone to get married?

 

Tax benies.

I don't agree with anyone cheating and I don't agree with "well, she/he cheated first". That is absurd and childish to me.

 

Yet it happens every day.

[pureinheart]

You are one caring, forgiving, and beautiful lady. And one more attribute that needs to be said, you are STRONG! I feel I am in good company.

 

((((((hugs))))))thank you WF, that is soooo sweet.

 

Have to say that was horrible feeling, that insecurity concerning the strip clubs and porn. I felt less than, and to cut it down and demean it or hate it helped give me back power that I felt I lost. I didn't realise I was doing this, it was a subconscience response.

 

I still don't agree with with strip clubs or porn, although it doesn't have the power it once had over me.

 

WF, you have a lot of class, and carry yourself very well...I have learned a lot from you concerning how to behave!

[pureinheart]

Great post and I agree with you! You have been wonderful to try and get on with your life without your past constantly dragging you down.

 

We all have a story to tell. Some of these are tragic, some not as much as others but all relevant to that person dealing with it and some can deal with things better than others.

 

BUT there comes a time in life when we have to stop dwelling on certain situation's and start to move forward. What concerns me, when I read some forums (mostly on another site!) is the massive amount of hatred and bitterness. When you get a collection of others feeling the same way, all it does is fuel the situation and make it hard for a person to move on.[/QUOTE]

 

Thank you September for allowing me the room to communicate this, had not thought about this, but had my IC councelling yesterday and have been working out the issues concerning 9/11.

 

Reconciliation can mean many things, reconciling with ones self, etc...forgiveness.

 

Certainly I have my issues with the ex's, although if I M'ed them, they can't be that bad...lol...IMO...really life issssss toooooo short!

 

In bold, this can turn into a "mob" type mentality of an unrighteous nature.

[White Flower]

((((((hugs))))))thank you WF, that is soooo sweet.

 

Have to say that was horrible feeling, that insecurity concerning the strip clubs and porn. I felt less than, and to cut it down and demean it or hate it helped give me back power that I felt I lost. I didn't realise I was doing this, it was a subconscience response.

 

I still don't agree with with strip clubs or porn, although it doesn't have the power it once had over me.

 

WF, you have a lot of class, and carry yourself very well...I have learned a lot from you concerning how to behave!

You know PIH, I want to thank you for that.

 

We often as OW become viewed as sad, sappy, and meaningless souls when really we are just as warm, just as caring, and just as--dare I say--beautiful individuals as anyone, otherwise why on earth would any taken person being taken with us?

 

And just as that is true it can also be true for the BS, and that is why so many MP try to reconcile. It's hard to admit, but sometimes it is worth it even when the APs are in love. But it doesn't always make sense.

[pureinheart]

As an analogous situation - were my H's xW to die (from whatever cause) and I were to post about it on LS, I would certainly not expect the news to be greeted with clappy hands... That seriously is just :sick::sick::sick::sick: Would you really want to be M to someone like that????

 

*The quotes are in post #124 that led to OW's response*...clappy hands...well the attitude is just plain sadistic. In this case I can see why men and women stray...my statement is not meant to offend anyone, it is how I feel.

 

I would in no way shape or form take on this attitude towards exDM's exW...I don't like her and am still working out some unresolved anger where she is concerned, BUT, she has kids that would be hurt, other family, friends that would mourn her demise. There would be nothing I could do concerning her departure, although the people here I would not want to make uncomfortable...even if they didn't know it, and was on a forum doing it. Our true identity comes out in our attitude.

[woinlove]

You know PIH, I want to thank you for that.

 

We often as OW become viewed as sad, sappy, and meaningless souls when really we are just as warm, just as caring, and just as--dare I say--beautiful individuals as anyone, otherwise why on earth would any taken person being taken with us?

 

And just as that is true it can also be true for the BS, and that is why so many MP try to reconcile. It's hard to admit, but sometimes it is worth it even when the APs are in love. But it doesn't always make sense.

 

Perhaps this thread has turned into an OW love-fest, meant to make OW and BS symmetric or indistinguishable, and is not meant to be taken seriously. But ... really, some statements are just silly.

 

As caring as anyone? Don't you know any people who are focussed on others, finding their happiness in making life better for others, and living so as to encourage compassion and integrity in others?

 

I have been a happy OW but I certainly would never expect anyone to say I was as caring as anyone. Whether one is too immature to control who one develops a R with or one specifically chooses MPs, affairs are done for ourselves.

 

Also, who one is married to or having an affair with is not a measure of how beautiful a person one is. The measure of a beautiful person is in how they live their life and how they affect others, not whether a MP chooses them as an affair partner or a spouse. A MP may choose to have an affair or to reconcile with someone who is far from beautiful.

Edited August 18, 2010 by woinlove

[pureinheart]

You know PIH, I want to thank you for that.

 

We often as OW become viewed as sad, sappy, and meaningless souls when really we are just as warm, just as caring, and just as--dare I say--beautiful individuals as anyone, otherwise why on earth would any taken person being taken with us?

 

And just as that is true it can also be true for the BS, and that is why so many MP try to reconcile. It's hard to admit, but sometimes it is worth it even when the APs are in love. But it doesn't always make sense.

 

Most definitely and we were also BS's at one time, in fact we have more experience with that and can understand where a BS is coming from.

 

Personally in my neck of the woods A's aren't that big of a deal, they are viewed as one person finding another more suitable. Now I am not saying that the injured party is not upset and just says *oh well*, I am saying that the recovery time is much quicker here...also if there is reconciliation concerning the MP that healing time is very quick.

 

Actually earthquakes are a bigger deal here...not being sarcastic at all...

 

I was really shocked when first signing on to LS and seeing the reactions from BS's, it was very new to me.

[pureinheart]

Perhaps this thread has turned into an OW love-fest, meant to make OW and BS symmetric or indistinguishable, and is not meant to be taken seriously. But ... really, some statements are just silly.

 

As caring as anyone? Don't you know any people who are focussed on others, finding their happiness in making life better for others, and living so as to encourage compassion and integrity in others?

 

I have been a happy OW but I certainly would never expect anyone to say I was as caring as anyone. Whether one is too immature to control who one develops a R with or one specifically chooses MPs, affairs are done for ourselves.

 

Also, who one is married to or having an affair with is not a measure of how beautiful a person one is. The measure of a beautiful person is in how they live their life and how they affect others, not whether a MP chooses them as an affair partner or a spouse. A MP may choose to have an affair or to reconcile with someone who is far from beautiful.

 

In bold...an OW love-fest works for me...any BS's care to join? WIL...I am not understanding the point you are trying to make, but will try to...so if I am off, it is a lack of understanding on my part.

 

This could be said for any R IMO, and in most areas we are in it for ourselves...the pay off whatever that may be...it is the way it is.

 

I can be caring and still desire a pay off concerning any matter or R.

 

Certain things I desire a pay off, and others I don't care due to the knowledge that good things DO happen to good people. In making this statement, want to add that people are human.

 

If I might stretch your ear/eyes a bit further to add that this is why I like this forum (OM/OW) as much as I do...it is human, I don't have to be perfect...while I dearly respect my mother and father...they both operated on genious levels (my father was on the way high end)...OMG, if you don't think that wasn't hard to live up to. I fell off the pedestal real quick.

 

This is why I like God so much...He likes me for who I am no matter what I do...I know, I know...off I go to thread jackers anonymous (again)...oh and BTW, I can't spell either.

 

Sometimes, it just lightens the atmosphere playing around a bit on LS...

[NoIDidn't]

Perhaps this thread has turned into an OW love-fest, meant to make OW and BS symmetric or indistinguishable, and is not meant to be taken seriously. But ... really, some statements are just silly.

 

As caring as anyone? Don't you know any people who are focussed on others, finding their happiness in making life better for others, and living so as to encourage compassion and integrity in others?

 

I have been a happy OW but I certainly would never expect anyone to say I was as caring as anyone. Whether one is too immature to control who one develops a R with or one specifically chooses MPs, affairs are done for ourselves.

 

Also, who one is married to or having an affair with is not a measure of how beautiful a person one is. The measure of a beautiful person is in how they live their life and how they affect others, not whether a MP chooses them as an affair partner or a spouse. A MP may choose to have an affair or to reconcile with someone who is far from beautiful.

 

Its called "blowing sunshine up someone's azz". Its basically like saying "at least I don't rob old people or kick puppies".

 

People having affairs or that have had affairs often have this wrapped view that they are the only ones that have had "life experiences" that make them thoughtful or introspective.

 

Don't all of us do this to some degree though? Most people think there must be something special about them that another person wants to be in a R with them? I can imagine it is double that feeling that someone is breaking their marriage vows "for them", in a sense.

 

That's probably why its so hard for some to believe that the married couple is actually reconciling. It must be hard to reconcile that fact when one chooses to believe that the A was that much better than the M (or they wouldn't have cheated) or that the OP is that much better than the spouse being cheated on (again, they wouldn't have cheated and "chosen" the OP otherwise).

 

Interesting, either way. I would prefer my friends to be honest with me though -than to do that sunshine blowing thing.

[September]

Its called "blowing sunshine up someone's azz". Its basically like saying "at least I don't rob old people or kick puppies".

 

People having affairs or that have had affairs often have this wrapped view that they are the only ones that have had "life experiences" that make them thoughtful or introspective.

 

Don't all of us do this to some degree though? Most people think there must be something special about them that another person wants to be in a R with them? I can imagine it is double that feeling that someone is breaking their marriage vows "for them", in a sense.

 

That's probably why its so hard for some to believe that the married couple is actually reconciling. It must be hard to reconcile that fact when one chooses to believe that the A was that much better than the M (or they wouldn't have cheated) or that the OP is that much better than the spouse being cheated on (again, they wouldn't have cheated and "chosen" the OP otherwise).

 

Interesting, either way. I would prefer my friends to be honest with me though -than to do that sunshine blowing thing.

 

Oh Bugger! You have burst that bubble I have been living in.... I much prefer fantasyland!!

[pureinheart]

Oh Bugger! You have burst that bubble I have been living in.... I much prefer fantasyland!!

 

You too...thought I was the only one...see you in fantasyland:D

[White Flower]

Perhaps this thread has turned into an OW love-fest, meant to make OW and BS symmetric or indistinguishable, and is not meant to be taken seriously. But ... really, some statements are just silly.

 

As caring as anyone? Don't you know any people who are focussed on others, finding their happiness in making life better for others, and living so as to encourage compassion and integrity in others?

 

I have been a happy OW but I certainly would never expect anyone to say I was as caring as anyone. Whether one is too immature to control who one develops a R with or one specifically chooses MPs, affairs are done for ourselves.

 

Also, who one is married to or having an affair with is not a measure of how beautiful a person one is. The measure of a beautiful person is in how they live their life and how they affect others, not whether a MP chooses them as an affair partner or a spouse. A MP may choose to have an affair or to reconcile with someone who is far from beautiful.

 

Its called "blowing sunshine up someone's azz". Its basically like saying "at least I don't rob old people or kick puppies".

 

People having affairs or that have had affairs often have this wrapped view that they are the only ones that have had "life experiences" that make them thoughtful or introspective.

 

Don't all of us do this to some degree though? Most people think there must be something special about them that another person wants to be in a R with them? I can imagine it is double that feeling that someone is breaking their marriage vows "for them", in a sense.

 

That's probably why its so hard for some to believe that the married couple is actually reconciling. It must be hard to reconcile that fact when one chooses to believe that the A was that much better than the M (or they wouldn't have cheated) or that the OP is that much better than the spouse being cheated on (again, they wouldn't have cheated and "chosen" the OP otherwise).

 

Interesting, either way. I would prefer my friends to be honest with me though -than to do that sunshine blowing thing.

All I can say is the truth hurts. I must have hit a nerve with it.

 

Sorry, but love is selfish no matter how we look at it. MM's W is selfish for trying so hard to keep him when she knows he doesn't love her. I am selfish because I want him to fight for me. He is selfish because he is trying to appease both of us.

 

No matter how you slice it, love is very selfish! Yes, there are selfless kinds of love but I think you understand fully what I mean. There is no blowing of any kind of sunshine here. It is what it is.

[NoIDidn't]

All I can say is the truth hurts. I must have hit a nerve with it.

 

Sorry, but love is selfish no matter how we look at it. MM's W is selfish for trying so hard to keep him when she knows he doesn't love her. I am selfish because I want him to fight for me. He is selfish because he is trying to appease both of us.

 

No matter how you slice it, love is very selfish! Yes, there are selfless kinds of love but I think you understand fully what I mean. There is no blowing of any kind of sunshine here. It is what it is.

 

Funny how some posters view any level of disagreement with a sentiment they post as "hitting a nerve". I didn't even read your post. I only responded to what woinlove posted.

 

I might have to go back and read what "hit a nerve" for me and respond to that. LOL.

[2sure]

You know, I can honestly say that for me - personally - and I mean this...love is not selfish. It is the opposite. And it never feels like sacrifice either. Its like, maybe , the one good thing about me. That unselfish love is what makes me able to forgive those who do not offer the same...but it is still what I want back.

[Silly_Girl]

You know, I can honestly say that for me - personally - and I mean this...love is not selfish. It is the opposite. And it never feels like sacrifice either. Its like, maybe , the one good thing about me. That unselfish love is what makes me able to forgive those who do not offer the same...but it is still what I want back.

 

Wow. Yes. Strikes a huge chord with me. I feel like that about my son, hugely. MM was the next person I feel truly felt that (feel that) for. It's very powerful.

[White Flower]

You know, I can honestly say that for me - personally - and I mean this...love is not selfish. It is the opposite. And it never feels like sacrifice either. Its like, maybe , the one good thing about me. That unselfish love is what makes me able to forgive those who do not offer the same...but it is still what I want back.

I think it is in the way we view it. I think we're saying the same thing, but giving it an ever-so-slightly different definition.

 

When you want it, demand it, hope for it in return, it IS selfish. Just not nasty selfish. KWIM?

[Spark1111]

There is nothing more glorious than total, unconditional love.

 

There is nothing more painful than unrequited love.

 

On this, I think we all agree.