! :'( About to enter craziest LDR

[Ken321]

Before you read this, keep in mind I want help. Replies, advice, your own success stories, history with LDR's, suggestions and ideas!

 

Basically, 8 months ago, my girlfriend and I started going out and fell in love. We are DEEPLY in love, and have been willing to do a lot for each other.

 

Trouble is...her parents never knew about us. So as time went by, we got less and less time (they don't want her involved in boys). For 8 months, we had issues, but we worked through them, and we ended up loving each other more.

 

We never ever want to be apart. Problem is...at some point, I was going off to college 70 miles away while her parents didn't know about us.

 

However...what is about to happen changes everything. One week ago, her parents found out that they had to move from the U.S. back to Korea. And, at this rate, she will not come back.

 

This basically means...at the track she is going on now...she will live in Korea for the REST OF HER LIFE! I was born in the U.S. and am Chinese, and I have NO idea what's going to happen :'(.

 

It has hit us SO hard! We found out 1 week ago and she has to leave WITHIN THE NEXT 2 WEEKS!! :'( Oh my GOD!

 

On top of that, she has to go to schooling for 3 more years while catching up on things she's missed on her stay in the U.S.!! Her parents found out about us 1 week ago after she confessed (saying she loved me and wanted to live her life with me and have a family and get married) and they said they "accepted" it...and we were both so happy...

 

But it turns out...they told her to break up with me (Or at least I believe the mom did) mandatorily and that we could keep contact! At first, we thought that they had supported us and that would mean that I could visit every 4 - 6 months...fly to Korea...but no can do...

 

Basically, unless she can convince her parents, she won't be free for THREE MORE YEARS, meaning I'll have to fly out and SECRETLY MEET HER! Perhaps her younger brother can help (he knew about us from the start, but he hasn't met me) and can cover for us during that time, but I have NO idea what to expect!

 

And even worse!! She has to go through the life of a Korean student!! They wake up at 6-ish AM and go to school between 7AM and 5PM taking classes. And from 5PM to 11PM, it's mandatory they stay at the school for self-study in rooms looked over by teachers and monitors!! Thats from 6AM to 11PM they're in school! On top of that, they will go to tutoring until 1AM for more chances to get into better colleges!!

 

Read this article:

In South Korea, students push back - The New York Times

 

The only way we can have some breathing room anytime soon is if she is able to get her parents to accept letting me visit her...which might go either way depending on anything...

 

Furthermore, we will barely be able to contact each other! My gf and I want to figure out permission from her parents for us to write letters to each other and stay in touch as much as possible.

 

I've even considered staying with her just to secretly meet her in Korea during her vacations (which she'll be busy during!). We love each other SO much and are mostly committed...

 

But :'( I'm going to college in the U.S. this fall, and though I have the money to fly to see her, how the hell am I going to do anything!!? We might not be able to call each other or talk to each other much at all! We can try to skype and hopefully we can write letters (so things don't be so digital) but her life will be SUPER busy!

 

And we might very well have to hide it for 3 years until she goes to college!! Who knows!! And during that time, I will only be able to visit her during her vacations SECRETLY! Meaning only hours per day, and who knows how I can actually manage staying in Korea just to see her hours on some day while be completely clueless about everything else?

 

I've thought about marriage (18 in Korea with parental consent, 20 without parental consent) in Korea possibly in the future. We absolutely love each other and want to hang onto everything we have...but honestly, how much can we take?

 

Also, if she is to stay in Korea forever...then what am I to do? I have NO knowledge of Korea at this specific moment. I've thought about learning Korean in college (freshman year) and then doing study abroad programs where I can go to South Korea and learn about Korean life! I am nearly very close to moving to Korea and starting a new life...

 

Furthermore, I know that I might be able to teach English there. I am excellent in teaching English (I actually help out a lot of my peers and teach them correct grammar and how to write essays, and have taken the hardest English courses, etc.) as they take learning English in that country VERY seriously.

 

The problem is...what if I go through all that...and she falls for someone else? :'( Or if something else happens? What then? What if I fail? I have NO knowledge of the country...what if I end up unhappy? What if I never settle into Korea?

 

:'( Has anyone moved to a new country and started a new life because of someone they loved? Someone help...Please...oh god...help...

It's halfway around the world...13 to 14 hours time difference...I have no idea what to do and I feel helpless..

 

Please give me suggestions, encouragement, ideas, your own stories, etc.!!

[Els]

First of all, let me preface my words with an introduction: I'm an Asian myself, and have been in 3 LDRs. In the current LDR, I moved 10 hours away to my bf's country after 2 years of distance. The first LDR was when I was in my first year of college. That lasted about 1 year, and leads to my advice:

 

Don't do it. I seldom give this advice on these boards, believing distance to be no insurmountable obstacle... But honestly, it's far too difficult to do an LDR when you are so young. MAINLY because of the fact that one or both of you will be prevented from doing anything that's needed for the R to survive (visits, moving, etc) because she is completely in the hands of her parents and her school system, and there is nothing that can be done about that until graduation. The majority of successful LDRs involve people who are already working, and hence independent and mobile, or at least college students who are near graduation and the possibility of moving after. I have never heard of a highschooler maintaining a successful LDR, because circumstances simply dictate that it is near impossible.

 

Going back to my first LDR, we were in USA and Asia, both 4 years away from graduation, and as broke as students can ever be. There was no possible way we could meet for the first 4 years and a very slim chance of being together after. We were idealistic, we thought that we were different, we could beat the odds.

 

Life trumped us. It's wonderful to think that love will conquer all... and maybe it will. But circumstances affect a relationship a great deal, and often break and bend love to its will. Sometimes it's a lot easier to yield.

[Ken321]

First of all, let me preface my words with an introduction: I'm an Asian myself, and have been in 3 LDRs. In the current LDR, I moved 10 hours away to my bf's country after 2 years of distance. The first LDR was when I was in my first year of college. That lasted about 1 year, and leads to my advice:

 

Don't do it. I seldom give this advice on these boards, believing distance to be no insurmountable obstacle... But honestly, it's far too difficult to do an LDR when you are so young. MAINLY because of the fact that one or both of you will be prevented from doing anything that's needed for the R to survive (visits, moving, etc) because she is completely in the hands of her parents and her school system, and there is nothing that can be done about that until graduation. The majority of successful LDRs involve people who are already working, and hence independent and mobile, or at least college students who are near graduation and the possibility of moving after. I have never heard of a highschooler maintaining a successful LDR, because circumstances simply dictate that it is near impossible.

 

Going back to my first LDR, we were in USA and Asia, both 4 years away from graduation, and as broke as students can ever be. There was no possible way we could meet for the first 4 years and a very slim chance of being together after. We were idealistic, we thought that we were different, we could beat the odds.

 

Life trumped us. It's wonderful to think that love will conquer all... and maybe it will. But circumstances affect a relationship a great deal, and often break and bend love to its will. Sometimes it's a lot easier to yield.

 

What happened in your first LDR?

How long did you two last? How did you two meet? How in love were you? Who decided to break up? What were things that helped you keep together, what were things that failed?

 

If you can give me more in depth detail about your first LDR...it'd help me and I'll respond with my own more indepth details

 

P.S. Keep in mind that I am technically mobile, as I'm going to college in the United States (but can go study abroad, etc.)

[Els]

We lasted a year. Met in high school, he had to leave. We were each other's firsts and evidently, that equates to 'feeling like you're very much in love, although knowing zilch about it'. The distance ate at us until we broke up. Hope kept us together at first but it wasn't enough.

[Ken321]

We lasted a year. Met in high school, he had to leave. We were each other's firsts and evidently, that equates to 'feeling like you're very much in love, although knowing zilch about it'. The distance ate at us until we broke up. Hope kept us together at first but it wasn't enough.

 

My gf and I plan on writing each other and leaving videos for each other.

We have reminders of each other with us all the time - she literally sleeps with a heart pillow that she treats as if she's me and gets reminded of me every night.

 

I've written things that have happened in our relationship down (like letters) and she has them all so she can read them and remember me...and she says those save her.

 

I really want to try. How was the communication in your first LDR? What did you guys do?

[aerogurl87]

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 18 and we've been in a LDR for 6 months so far, and I'll tell you now that having a LDR in the same country is tough (I was in one for 5 months with my ex). But in different countries is just plain hard, especially when both people don't have alot of income. Now my boyfriend and I are lucky in that he managed to get a great paying job right out of high school and I'm looking for a better job at the moment that will offer decent pay (better than what I have now) so we can afford all the travelling to each other every few months or so, but it's still hard. Not being able to see one another all the time, misunderstandings when communicating digitally, the price of airline tickets... it's alot. Now love can conquer all, it's possible, but love's not enough. To be in a LDR you need a ton of patience, compromise, self sacrificing, trust, honesty, and lots of communication. If any of those things are missing you're headed for disaster, but good luck.

[LisaLee]

First off, don't underestimate the power of the parents... My mother is Korean and very traditional. She has very high expectations of potential mates for both my brother and I. She expects not just a meeting, but demanding that my SO ask permission to marry me. Also, this sneaking around is not going to be a good idea. That is a fantastic way to turn her parents very much against your relationship. Being Asian yourself you should understand the cultural dynamics between parent and child, but Koreans are especially demanding of their children, imo.

 

A childhood friend of mine has a similar background as me... part white, raised solely by his Korean mom. He eloped with his Mexican girlfriend. The sh*t is still hitting the fan. I was just back home a few weeks ago, and his mom was visiting with my mom and I and really tearing into her son's marriage. She was torn up, absolutely heartbroken, and super pissed off. If you want to maintain a positive relationship with your friend deceiving her parents in any shape or form is not the way to do it.

 

Teaching English in Korea is not a bad idea, but you have to have a bachelor degree, and it is not necessarily an easy job to come by these days. I have a friend who is also part Korean, has a bachelor, spent a semester at one of the top universities in Korea, and she is still having to jump through hoops to get a teaching position in Korea right now.

 

Good luck, really the best thing to do in your situation is to not borrow trouble and take it one day at a time.

Edited August 12, 2010 by LisaLee

[impz]

I have been in a LDR for 3 years before finally hitching up with my wife (USA and Asia). I have to concur with Elswyth on this: don't do it. Let's look at the possible pitfalls.

 

1. You are way too young with no financial stability to secure a long term plan on your future.It might sound all good and cheery right now, but I can definitely assure you that without the ability to fly there easily, have a good secure job that can supplement such activities, a LDR is no go.

 

Have you planned for the next 4 years on the amount of money you need for marriage (yes, LDR is serious business because you need to set a target for someone to move over, I learned through experience).

 

2. Their parents object to your r/s. That in itself is a death toll already. Asian culture is more rigid, particularly Korean culture where the parent has more control over her child. Moreover, both of you are just studying. What kind of emotional stability can you prove to Asian parents. Zilch.

 

3. Time zone issues. I personally think a LDR without constant communication (daily) just will not work out well. I am not sure your proposed ideas can last more than 1 month before she or you look for someone else.

 

4. You use a lot of might, perhaps, what if. There is no "uncertainty" when you decide to move. If you are so concerned over such things (and you should, you are not even working!), you should take this one step at a time. In essence, stay with her as friends, and see how it works out.

 

I won't count on it. The elements for a decent and successful long distance r/s are just not present.

[Romance]

I know this must be really upsetting, but neither of you are old enough to control this situation. It's a shame but its going to be best to just break this off, you will only torture yourselves everyday

[electricity]

Culture and all that aside, how old are you? Late teens? My personal experience is that both college and moving between countries seriously changes people. What do you really know about yourselves, each other, and love? You're going to mature and develop separately, through vastly different experiences - chances are immense that this relationship can't last.

 

If it's really meant to be, when she returns to the US for college in 3 years, you can meet up again and see if your feelings are still the same. In the meantime, I'd say part as friends and try to enjoy your individual lives. Otherwise you'll come to resent her being so far and animosity's going to develop fairly quickly.