New here, pregnant, and feeling dumped.

[InceptorsRule]

She may well have played him, but he played too. He's just as much as fault as all the blame that you're laying on her.

 

She's respsonsible for her behavior, and he's responsible for his.

 

What's your point?

[brainygirl]

Do you really think you need to be accusing her of trying to trap him at the moment? Can't you tell she's going through a difficult time?

 

I hate to point this out, but it takes two to have sex, and he could have put things on hold until he had a condom on.

[InceptorsRule]

By the way, this thread ties in perfectly with that other thread about why single guys often don't want to get involved with women who have already been divorced and/or have kids.

 

I think this is the answer.

[InceptorsRule]

Do you really think you need to be accusing her of trying to trap him at the moment? Can't you tell she's going through a difficult time?

 

I think it's not fair for her to accuse the bf of being dishonest unless she's willing to be completely honest herself. I'm sorry if that seems unreasonable to you.

 

I hate to point this out, but it takes two to have sex, and he could have put things on hold until he had a condom on.

 

Or she could have had an abortion. Or a lot of things.

 

Again what's your point? She had control over her actions; he had control over his actions. So what is her basis for casting aspersions on the bf's intentions?

[brainygirl]

I think it's not fair for her to accuse the bf of being dishonest unless she's willing to be completely honest herself. I'm sorry if that seems unreasonable to you.

 

 

 

Or she could have had an abortion. Or a lot of things.

 

Again what's your point? She had control over her actions; he had control over his actions. So what is her basis for casting aspersions on the bf's intentions?

 

What is your intention in harassing someone who's hurting and having a hard time?

 

He knew she had kids . . . . he and she both had sex without protection.

He didn't immediately break up with her, but simply drifted away.

 

I don't know what your story is, but I do know that you taking it out on a woman on the internet doesn't make you a better man.

[InceptorsRule]

What is your intention in harassing someone who's hurting and having a hard time?

 

Sorry nice try brainygirl but there's no harassment going on. Stop already with this tactic of going on the attack with ad hominem attacks just because someone posts an opinion you disagree with.

 

 

He knew she had kids . . . . he and she both had sex without protection.

He didn't immediately break up with her, but simply drifted away.

 

OK so what? What does that really have to do with anything? Is it realistic to expect a man to tie himself down simply because the woman managed to get herself knocked up by him after only two months? He actually sounds like a pretty nice guy, trying to let her down gently, and she doesn't want to hear from that.

 

I don't know what your story is, but I do know that you taking it out on a woman on the internet doesn't make you a better man.

 

Well nice try once again but you haven't really demonstrated that anything I've said about the situation is incorrect.

 

I understand you're sympathetic to OP because you're in a similar position yourself--bad choices resulting in three children and no partner. That doesn't mean your perspective is correct nor is it actually helpful to the OP.

 

Op will not solve her problems by blaming her bf for them. She has to look at her role because that's what she can control.

 

She never gave an explanation for not using birth control while having sex with this guy UNLESS it was with the intent to get pregnant, which she hasn't denied. Yes he could have used bc like a condom. So what? She let him have sex without a condom. She's still responsible for her own actions. She needs to own that.

[brainygirl]

Sorry nice try brainygirl but there's no harassment going on. Stop already with this tactic of going on the attack with ad hominem attacks just because someone posts an opinion you disagree with.

 

 

 

 

OK so what? What does that really have to do with anything? Is it realistic to expect a man to tie himself down simply because the woman managed to get herself knocked up by him after only two months? He actually sounds like a pretty nice guy, trying to let her down gently, and she doesn't want to hear from that.

 

 

 

Well nice try once again but you haven't really demonstrated that anything I've said about the situation is incorrect.

 

I understand you're sympathetic to OP because you're in a similar position yourself--bad choices resulting in three children and no partner. That doesn't mean your perspective is correct nor is it actually helpful to the OP.

 

Op will not solve her problems by blaming her bf for them. She has to look at her role because that's what she can control.

 

She never gave an explanation for not using birth control while having sex with this guy UNLESS it was with the intent to get pregnant, which she hasn't denied. Yes he could have used bc like a condom. So what? She let him have sex without a condom. She's still responsible for her own actions. She needs to own that.

 

I'm sympathetic because I'm a compassionate person able to recognize when someone is hurting and needs a kind word.

 

YOU seem to have a chip on your shoulder that is driving you to bug her until she admits having done wrong.

 

Did her post say "please hassle me about what a lousy person I am until I agree with you"? No, it was about her boyfriend.

 

And lets just be very clear. Going silent, disappearing and becoming distant are not ways of letting anyone down easy, they are chickenspit ways of getting the other person to end it.

 

How, exactly, do you want her to "take responsibility" for her actions? Should she kill her child to let him off the hook? Should she lie at the birth of the child and say she doesn't know who the father is?

 

Why does her taking responsibility have to absolve him of his? She's pregnant, she's apparently keeping the baby, so she's going to be raising it for the next 18 years. What more could she possibly do to be right in your book?

 

Wear a scarlet letter? Forgo dating and love for the rest of her life? Just what would be enough for you to feel vindicated here?

[Nappeal]

Thank you Brainy for your side, understanding and helpful input

 

I see someone has a chip on their shoulder, but I do have bigger things going on. Hearing my now Xs words hurt initially very badly, but I actually feel better now...I am no longer left guessing where the relationship lies or how he feels. I feel, should I say...freed. Its going to be hard now w 3 kids, and there's no guarantee I'll ever hear from again, but I'm not sitting and wondering anymore; I know its all on me.

 

Just to clarify tho, no, there are no 'victims' here as implied. Did I use good judgement? No. Did I pretty much intentionally get knocked up since there was no real birth control used? Yes AND no. I know how babies are made, but we were both very much taken away by the honeymoon phase; common sense was not being used either. It does take 2 people, so if his concern was to avoid pregnancy, he would've tried damned hard to do so. WE went into a pregnancy both very excited, him even damanding the baby be named after himself, proclaiming how happy he'd be once my stomach got big so that he could wrap his arms around it. Bottom line is, we were caught up in those temporary feelings...things changed and feelings slipped, probably how they would've even if there was no baby. That can't be controlled. It could've been handled MUCH differently, but none the less it is how it is, and now the baby takes all importance. HE was under the belief that we had to be together in order for me to involve him in the baby. I regularly had to remind him that a baby is no contract for a relationship. Children are hard, be it a hard blessing, and there's no good sense in just popping them out for the fun of it.

 

AND just FYI - my XH was my first love - high school sweetheart. We had 2 kids like any other couple has their children. He however became smitten w a woman @ his job who he ended up leaving the marriage for. I don't get a dime in support from him as he's a good father and helps me in other ways when he can.

 

I really dislike when others come up w their own twisted conclusions, but eh, what can ya do?

 

Thanks to everyone's support...sincerely!

[InceptorsRule]

I'm sympathetic because I'm a compassionate person able to recognize when someone is hurting and needs a kind word.

 

Really? IMO you seem very vindictive towards people who have a different opinion from you.

 

But I'm a sympathetic person as well. However I don't see where the OP is deserving of sympathy. All she's doing is trying to make the bf seem like the "bad guy" of the relationship. She's accusing him of being dishonest. How was he dishonest?

 

She had unprotected sex with someone she'd only known for two months and got pregnant. The pregnancy, despite her expressed hopes, does not cause the guy to want to remain involved with her. The guy never told her he'd actually stay in a relationship with her. He simply stated he would stick around for the baby. So far he's done that. She emailed or texted him and he responded to it promptly and in a reasonable way. Of course his response doesn't reflect her view of the relationship or what remains of it. That doesn't make him dishonest.

 

 

 

YOU seem to have a chip on your shoulder that is driving you to bug her until she admits having done wrong.

 

Not at all. However her particular complaint is that she claims she doesn't feel her bf is being honest about his intentions. All I stated was that she can hardly hold him to a standard of honesty unless she's willing to be honest as well.

 

You are reading stuff into my posts that simply isn't there because of your own issues brainygirl. You sympathize with women who make bad decisions about men and child-bearing and as I've stated in another thread, and you've admitted, you personalize every difference of opinion as an attack on yourself.

 

 

 

Did her post say "please hassle me about what a lousy person I am until I agree with you"? No, it was about her boyfriend.

 

Her post complained that her bf was not being honest. My response(s) are directly relevant to that complaint.

 

 

And lets just be very clear. Going silent, disappearing and becoming distant are not ways of letting anyone down easy, they are chickenspit ways of getting the other person to end it.

 

...and obviously since the bf returned her most recent communication promptly, with a civil, reasonable response (although she didn't like what he said), he didn't do any of those things, did he?

 

How, exactly, do you want her to "take responsibility" for her actions? Should she kill her child to let him off the hook? Should she lie at the birth of the child and say she doesn't know who the father is?

 

No, she should stop blaming her bf for her decision to have sex without bc, whether the bc is used by herself or the bf doesn't matter. She still was in complete control over whether she participated in the sex act. She had two children already and does/did pregnancy counseling.

 

She should also stop accusing her bf of doing something "wrong" if he doesn't want a relationship with her. He's allowed to NOT have a relationship with her other than as might be legally required where the child is concerned.

 

 

 

Why does her taking responsibility have to absolve him of his?

 

Who said he was absolved of his responsiblity? He's legally stuck because he's the sperm donor. But she's morally and ethically MORE responsible if it was her intent to become pregnant, or if by doing so, she hoped to cement a relationship with this guy.

 

 

She's pregnant, she's apparently keeping the baby, so she's going to be raising it for the next 18 years. What more could she possibly do to be right in your book?

 

She could be honest about her intentions and stop accusing her bf of being dishonest about his.

 

Wear a scarlet letter? Forgo dating and love for the rest of her life? Just what would be enough for you to feel vindicated here?

 

Stop having children out of wedlock with men she barely knows? That might be a good place to start.

[sb129]

I didn't read anything like what you did IR.

You sound like you are basically saying to the OP "you made your bed, its all your fault, now suck it up and lie in it".

Which isn't that compassionate really.

 

Sounds like Nappeal is actually relieved to have a concrete decision made by her (ex?) BF, as she now knows exactly where she stands and can proceed hence.

 

LOTS of people get caught up in the honeymoon phase. People make mistakes. Both parties had an oopsie here- they were being ruled by parts of their anatomy other than the reasoning centres of their brains.

It happens.

Many children are born out of such situations who end up being happy, loved, successful, loving, functioning individuals. Not sure where your judgement re: having children out of wedlock comes from, but its a little archaic.

 

OP is in survival/nesting pregnant mode (something a man cannot possibly begin to understand).

She wants to prepare for having a baby. She needs to know what sort of situation the baby is going to be born into- fair enough.

BF can't understand that- to him, the pregnancy won't be as important as it is to the person actually having the baby.

 

He obviously freaked out when the reality of the situation hit him, not that it probably has fully, and it may never do if he has nothing to do with his child.

Nappeal clearly stated they didn't have enough of a relationship foundation to overcome this hurdle- so hes getting out.

 

Which is totally his prerogative.

 

I wouldn't want a half a$$ed BF who was that new if I had just had a baby- I would rather go it alone, as I know that if the R wasn't strong enough, the stress of having a new baby would destroy it.

 

Probably the difference between Nappeal and I is that the minute BF started showing wishy washy behaviour, I would have cut him loose.

No judgement here for clinging to a hope that things may have worked out- after all people in the movies do it all the time, don't they?

[InceptorsRule]

I didn't read anything like what you did IR.

 

I think if you re-read the posts you'll find it's all right there.

 

You sound like you are basically saying to the OP "you made your bed, its all your fault, now suck it up and lie in it".

Which isn't that compassionate really.

Actually that would depend on what her intent was, which she hasn't been forthcoming about. There's been no explanation for why she would not use bc, or insist that he use it, with a guy she'd only been with for two months. She initially tried to claim she did use bc but when questioned as to how a baby could result then admitted that was not exactly true. She's already got two children and is a pregnancy counselor so she knows the ropes. She more or less has admitted that she was hoping the pregnancy would maybe make the guy stay in the relationship with her.

 

Her reference to the pregnancy was "oops." Actually that's kind of an offhanded way of referring to something which should be extremely serious. If it's just "oops" to her why should it be deemed important by the bf?

 

So yes, if it were to turn out she was deliberately not using bc in the hopes she might get pregnant with this guy, or recklessly not using it secretly hoping for an "oops" to occur, I would have to agree she made her bed as you say. If it wasn't her intention to try to get pregnant, then I think she has to have a better explanation for being so careless about bc. That is if she wants to maintain some credibility.

 

 

 

Sounds like Nappeal is actually relieved to have a concrete decision made by her (ex?) BF, as she now knows exactly where she stands and can proceed hence.

I don't see an appropriate level of concern for the child she is about to have. The child is an "oops" almost an afterthought. She hasn't even made concrete plans to ensure payment of child support. It's like she feels that if she insists he legally acknowledge his CS obligation he'll run away even further from the relationship. Which may be true but doesn't change what her focus should be on right now.

 

Well I have a different perspective on the whole thing. It was a lovey dovey romance until she got pregnant. Then it becomes totally serious business and the primary concern has to be the child. Which means she has to insist the father do his legal duty. He doesn't have a legal duty to be in a romantic relationship with her, he has a legal duty to pay child support and a moral/ethical duty to be a father to the child. That's his obligation for not ensuring bc. But the fact that he has obligations doesn't change the fact that she does as well. What she should really be doing is go to a lawyer or CS agency and do what she needs to to ensure that he actually pays CS and do whatever else he is supposed to be doing (provide health insurance, maybe) FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHILD. Put her own "needs" completely aside and JUST WORRY ABOUT THE CHILD.

 

 

 

LOTS of people get caught up in the honeymoon phase. People make mistakes. Both parties had an oopsie here- they were being ruled by parts of their anatomy other than the reasoning centres of their brains.

It happens.

No, a child is not an "oopsie." We don't know who's the more responsible because she hasn't been forthcoming about her intentions. For all we know she told the guy SHE was using BC so he didn't believe condoms were necessary. SHE TOLD LOVE SHACK, INITIALLY, THAT SHE WAS USING BC. That was not strictly true. What makes you think she didn't lie to the bf too? Now that doesn't change his legal responsibility to pay child support one bit. That's not what I'm saying. BUT STOP BUYING INTO THE NOTION THAT THIS PREGNANCY WAS AN "OOPSIE" on the OP's part, until she EXPLAINS her reasoning in having sex without proper use of bc. Remember--this is a woman with two kids already and who does pregnancy counseling so she really can't pretend she wasn't well aware of at least the possibility she would get pregnant.

 

 

 

 

Many children are born out of such situations who end up being happy, loved, successful, loving, functioning individuals. Not sure where your judgement re: having children out of wedlock comes from, but its a little archaic.

I was asked a direct question by brainygirl about what expectations I might have for the OP in the future: "scarlet letter" and so forth, typical nonsense. No, no scarlet letter--just that she should act like an adult. Which includes not randomly getting pregnant and calling it an "oopsie."

 

 

 

OP is in survival/nesting pregnant mode (something a man cannot possibly begin to understand).

How sexist of you to say a "man could not understand." I understand it perfectly well and she is NOT in "survival" mode. She is still in "selfish me me me me" mode. Because she is NOT doing what is best for the child, which would be ENSURING the father is legally obligated to pay CS as soon as possible. All she seemingly cares about is trying to salvage a romantic relationship with the father. Well good luck with it but she shouldn't be wasting ANY time on that AT ALL right now.

 

 

 

She wants to prepare for having a baby. She needs to know what sort of situation the baby is going to be born into- fair enough.

BF can't understand that- to him, the pregnancy won't be as important as it is to the person actually having the baby.

If the baby were that "important" to the OP she would have had a planned pregnancy and only AFTER she was in an established, strong, LTR with the father. If all she wanted was a sperm donor, then fine, she certainly got that. It's interesting that you're so willing to make conclusions about what the bf supposedly does and does not understand. We don't really know do we?

 

 

 

He obviously freaked out when the reality of the situation hit him, not that it probably has fully, and it may never do if he has nothing to do with his child.

Well why wouldn't he freak out? Do you actually buy into the notion that the bf would have had unprotected sex with OP if she hadn't led him to believe she was on some form of effective bc that didn't require him to use a condom? Or made other statements that may have "lulled" him into being careless ("oh don't worry, this is not the time of the month when I'm fertile" or other some such rubbish). If the bf wasn't the type of guy who cared one way or the other than why did OP make a point of saying they used bc in the first place?

 

Most likely what happened--as in many relationships-- is they probably originally started having sex with condoms and then she said she would get herself on the pill or some other form of female-centric and controlled bc and then led him to believe she had done exactly that. WHY would a guy who was using condoms to begin with just suddenly STOP doing so UNLESS something had made him think it was safe to stop doing so from a bc perspective? Unfortunately there are absolutely no answers provided so I guess we'll just have to wonder won't we.

 

IMO, the OP is not what she seems and in my opinion is deliberately portraying a false picture of herself and of this entire situation. Why do I say that? Well clearly OP either deliberately lied or at least misled Love Shack about the bc situation until someone else called her out on it. Therefore no one has any reason to assume she's being particularly truthful about her situation. You are certainly entitled to your opinion but so am I. If someone misleads/lies about something so important why should I give them any credibility?

 

Believe me I have plenty of sympathy with a woman stuck with an unplanned pregnancy through no fault of her own with a douchy guy who is the father. I don't believe the OP to be in that situation though.

 

 

Nappeal clearly stated they didn't have enough of a relationship foundation to overcome this hurdle- so hes getting out.

OK thank you for saying this. This is exactly what I'm talking about. The "oops"/baby is viewed by OP as a "relationship hurdle." It's all about OP and her desire to have a romantic relationship with the father of the child.

 

What about "Do NOT have unprotected SEX with a man you barely know" does OP claim she didn't "get"?

 

 

Which is totally his prerogative.

No, it's not. He will be tied to OP through the child for at least 18 years. That's a LEGAL requirement and neither of them can get away from it. AND OP IS WELL AWARE OF IT. It actually sounds like she might try to blackmail this guy into staying in a relationship with the threat of taking legal action for child support/paternity against him if he doesn't. "Oh baby just stay with me and be my bf and I won't have to take you to court, of course I will also still expect you to help out financially with YOUR child."

 

C'mon Love Shack ladies, how naive are you pretending to be now? Why else do you think this guy is TERRIFIED of OP?

 

 

I wouldn't want a half a$$ed BF who was that new if I had just had a baby- I would rather go it alone, as I know that if the R wasn't strong enough, the stress of having a new baby would destroy it.

Is this attitude false bravado, or just selfishness? OF COURSE a parent should PREFER to be able to raise their child in a two-parent family.

 

THAT'S PRECISELY WHY PEOPLE LIKE THE OP SHOULDN'T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH SOMEONE THEY BARELY KNOW. OP is the PERSON who chose to have sex with the "half @ssed bf."

 

 

 

Probably the difference between Nappeal and I is that the minute BF started showing wishy washy behaviour, I would have cut him loose.

No judgement here for clinging to a hope that things may have worked out- after all people in the movies do it all the time, don't they?

Gee I was hoping you were going to say that the difference between Nappeal and yourself was that you would NEVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A MAN YOU BARELY KNOW/KNEW. Edited August 14, 2010 by InceptorsRule

[sb129]

. It was a lovey dovey romance until she got pregnant. Then it becomes totally serious business and the primary concern has to be the child. Which means she has to insist the father do his legal duty. He doesn't have a legal duty to be in a romantic relationship with her, he has a legal duty to pay child support and a moral/ethical duty to be a father to the child. That's his obligation for not ensuring bc. But the fact that he has obligations doesn't change the fact that she does as well. What she should really be doing is go to a lawyer or CS agency and do what she needs to to ensure that he actually pays CS and do whatever else he is supposed to be doing (provide health insurance, maybe) FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHILD. Put her own "needs" completely aside and JUST WORRY ABOUT THE CHILD.

 

I absolutely agree with this. The child is the innocent victim of two peoples carelessness. The child needs to be number one from hereon in, definitely.

 

However I do have some sympathy towards both the OP and her BF- the situation is far from ideal and its something they are both "stuck" with for life.

 

How sexist of you to say a "man could not understand." I understand it perfectly well and she is NOT in "survival" mode. She is still in "selfish me me me me" mode. Because she is NOT doing what is best for the child, which would be ENSURING the father is legally obligated to pay CS as soon as possible. All she seemingly cares about is trying to salvage a romantic relationship with the father. Well good luck with it but she shouldn't be wasting ANY time on that AT ALL right now

 

I didn't mean to be sexist- its a basic fact.

Pregnant womens brains are strange machines, and men find it very hard to understand. Men don't get hormonal fluctuations the way women do.

During pregnancy its a minefield. My H found it very difficult to deal with me at times. My nesting instinct turned me into an irrational nutcase at times.

 

Yes, perhaps it does seem as if the OP is primarily concerned with her R with the father, however that does relate to the well being of the baby, and people don't often discuss all the dimensions of their lives on here- its usually one point that brings them here.

She already has two children, she knows how it rolls with a baby, she probably doesn't need advice on that.

 

As far as getting child support goes, its not absolutely essential that she gets it all in place this minute- child support can be sought after the birth of a child, and indeed can be paid retrospectively.

 

Is this attitude false bravado, or just selfishness? OF COURSE a parent should PREFER to be able to raise their child in a two-parent family.

 

Its neither. Its reality.

I know how stressful it is to be a parent, and it places strain on a happy marriage. Having done it already, IF I were unlucky enough to find myself in the situation of being pregnant again with someone who didn't want to be in a R with me, I wouldn't bother trying to salvage the R as I would rather have my child in a happy single parent house than an unhappy two parent house where one parent didn't really want to be there.

 

 

Gee I was hoping you were going to say that the difference between Nappeal and yourself was that you would NEVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A MAN YOU BARELY KNOW/KNEW.

 

Well of course I wouldn't NOW. I am having furiously protected sex with H at the moment because we really don't want another baby just yet.

One is enough for now.

 

However, I would be lying if I said that I had always been so vigilant with protection.

When I was younger, I had a few close calls where I was irresponsible and took risks with protection. I was lucky that I didn't fall pregnant in hindsight.

Who knows what I would have done if I had?

 

I do see what you are saying IR, however I feel that you are being a little harsh.

 

nobody is perfect, and lots of people harbour romantic ideas even if they are impossible and irrational

[homersheineken]

She's respsonsible for her behavior, and he's responsible for his.

 

What's your point?

 

Because you've spent a lot of time and space ranting against her when it's on him too. But you don't seem to want to cover that since that would impale your attacks on her that you seem to get off on for some reason. Schadenfreude is a rather ugly trait and you seem to be reveling in this thread.

[homersheineken]

I didn't read anything like what you did IR.

You sound like you are basically saying to the OP "you made your bed, its all your fault, now suck it up and lie in it".

Which isn't that compassionate really.

 

Yeah, you won't find anyone who does, really. For some reason this person is getting off on making others feel bad - made even worse when the OP is here looking for help. You're at least the 3rd person to call IR out on it, but he continues to remain defiant.

 

IR has some agenda in their head from a bad previous exp (I think you referred about it in another thread about your ex-wife and not seeing something until later in the marriage) and now that has scarred him for life and become reprehensible to people looking for advice and cloaking that 'advice' as bitter scolding.

[mr.dream merchant]

I feel bad for both parties really. The OP because she's probably going to end up a single parent. And the OP's baby's father, because he was trapped and now he will most likely end up paying child support and living an equally tough, if not tougher, life than the OP.

[InceptorsRule]

Because you've spent a lot of time and space ranting against her when it's on him too.

 

She was a consenting adult. She was responsible, 100%, for her own actions. You don't really seem to get that, do you? The bf didn't "make her" do anything at all.

 

Her conduct is NOT "on him." HIS conduct is "on him." But he didn't post here complaining about the other person, did he? She posted complaining about him--as if somehow she is not entirely responsible for her own conduct.

 

Also I haven't "ranted" against anything, Homer'sheineken. You just are unable to refute anything I've posted.

 

 

 

But you don't seem to want to cover that since that would impale your attacks on her that you seem to get off on for some reason.

 

Seem to cover what? Her bf? There's nothing to cover. He just happens to be the guy she decided to have unprotected sex with and get pregnant by. He's the sperm donor.

 

Please explain--logically now, no more personal attacks please--how the bf is responsible for even a SINGLE action taken by the OP. I'll wait for an actual, logical, reasoned response from you.

 

If the bf were here complaining that SHE was somehow responsible for HIS actions, I would be telling him exactly the same type of thing. But, you see, the bf is NOT here. He's not blaming his predicament on her. Not here, anyway.

 

 

Schadenfreude is a rather ugly trait and you seem to be reveling in this thread.

 

Full disclosure before another attack, please? Are you a divorced woman? A single parent?

[InceptorsRule]

Yeah, you won't find anyone who does, really. For some reason this person is getting off on making others feel bad - made even worse when the OP is here looking for help.

 

Now you're claiming you can speak for other people, as to how they "feel." If YOU feel bad about something you've read, why not just say that, and explain why YOU feel bad? Did you also make poor decisions concerning relationships and child bearing? If so, please don't be mad at me, because I'm not responsible for your life.

 

 

You're at least the 3rd person to call IR out on it, but he continues to remain defiant.

 

LOL. "Call me out"? "remain defiant"? If you disagree with a statement I've made, then stop with the personal attacks and actually try to logically refute it.

 

 

 

 

IR has some agenda in their head from a bad previous exp (I think you referred about it in another thread about your ex-wife and not seeing something until later in the marriage) and now that has scarred him for life and become reprehensible to people looking for advice and cloaking that 'advice' as bitter scolding.

 

Your poor grammar aside, if you think I have an "agenda" in my head, then what pray tell would it be?

 

I believe I'm giving the OP very good advice, which is to tell the truth about what really happened and to take responsibility for her own actions.

 

I suggest you probably need to think about this a little bit more. You might learn something also.

[Nappeal]

IR, I see that you are rather jaded and narrowminded in your thinking.

 

Yes, the romantic relationship is important; who wants to be 'dumped' like that - pregnant or not? No one deserves to have their feelings disregarded and disposed of because someone else can't handle responsibility. I did not trap him one bit. Finding out about the pregnancy was something WE BOTH were excited about, but I believe that as I got bigger and the reality of real, live human being set in for him, he decided he was unable to handle it. To each is own; however - and what seems to be unfortunately rather common to those in my position - there's no excuse for weaseling out because YOU can't handle it. I'm now left in shock...I didn't see a problem. One day 'its not working' and I no longer hear from him. Would YOU (IR) be ok w someone you're intimate w showing you that amount of inconsideration? No. Above all however, this child is more important than any relationship I could have w any man; even more so a coward. In the next 3 months he has the chance to show whether or not he wants to be involved w his child. If he shows he has no interest in being a father, then CS will be pursued...@ a more appropriate time. I honestly expect nothing from him, but hope for the best from him. I believe things will work out, w or w out his presence, I'm just disappointed in the choices he's made.

[mr.dream merchant]

When I read **** like this ^(above post) it kind of gives me the shivers. Cause its a painful reminder that there ARE women out there like this.

[AverageJoe]

IR, I see that you are rather jaded and narrowminded in your thinking.

 

No one deserves to have their feelings disregarded and disposed of because someone else can't handle responsibility.

 

Where was your responsibility telling him you were not on birth control? At first you tried to tell that to us, so who knows what you told him. He should have been smarter by wearing a condom, no question. But you wanted a baby.

[Nappeal]

I have to admit, I didn't leave my post insisting on other's to question my morals and my intentions. Yes he was aware I was not on BC. Yes I knew the outcome of our behavior could lead to a baby. No it was not my intention to keep him around by 'trapping' him w a child. Of course there are women out there w the belief that popping out an unwilling child will in turn keep a man around, however, that did not cross my mind. The situation between the 2 of us was amazing, hence why the idea of having a child w the man I loved was exciting and anticipated...just like in any other adult relationship. I regret now that I did not use my handy-dandy future vision to see how things would turn out; him running away from the responsibility that he voluntarily took on as I did. I know the true situation, obviously, and I know my morals and good character. I left my original post in hopes that I could receive helpful advice and support from others who wouldn't bad mouth his behavior or choices. The situation was and is that my now ex-boyfriend who I still care for and love very much up and left w out a word or explaination. Processing that has been hard, and granted there are many different aspects to my situation than most others, the bottom line is that I was hurt and disposed of by someone I had genuine feelings for-minus the baby. Thank you to the few who took it upon yourselves to make false accusations and conclusions as to who I am and what I wanted out of the realtionship. All I wanted in the end was an explaination, which I still haven't gotten...but I guess that's explaination all on its own. But I know my honest reply will still lead me to be a baby-daddy trapper who poked holes in the poor guy's condoms after telling him I was sterile so I could get pregnant and keep him around forever, and if he didn't want to stay then I would choose to bend him forward so I could screw him for child support. I appreciate the backwards and biased 'advice' from the few of you.

[zengirl]

Or she could have had an abortion. Or a lot of things.

 

Again what's your point? She had control over her actions; he had control over his actions. So what is her basis for casting aspersions on the bf's intentions?

 

I think "You could've had an abortion," is about the ugliest things we throw at gals who get pregnant unintentionally. A woman's right to choose is just that. . . a right to choice. An abortion is not something to undertake lightly, and many women see it as immoral. I don't even believe a zygote is a baby or that it has a soul or whatnot, but I still find them unpalatable (and I'm about as pro-choice as it gets) and many women have religious beliefs that would make it unthinkable.

 

I understand some men feel all upset because they worry a woman could "trap" them with a pregnancy, but understand that women have their own worries when they fear a man could avoid responsibility for one. (On Last Comic Standing, one comic told a joke, "We had a pregnancy scare. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I just thought I had to move.") Each side has their own fears in terms of this. It is why teaching people to use birth control AND making it readily available is so important. BC pills are actually too hard to get in many cases (there's no reason one should have to have a well woman's visit in conjunction with BC. . . the two are both crucial but have nothing to do with each other, healthcare should always cover BC, and we should reduce it's cost). And people should use multiple forms of birth control until they know a person well.

 

But the OP knows ALL this and has given every indication that she fully understands and takes responsibility for her mistakes. That does not excuse his current behavior. She's hurting and it's all a bummer, and she's just trying to make the best of what she's got going on now.

 

The BF is currently being non-communicative in a situation where that's crappy. I'm not saying he has to marry the girl because she got pregnant, but he has to communicate with her, for at least the next 18 years. So, he'd better get his stuff sorted.

 

OK so what? What does that really have to do with anything? Is it realistic to expect a man to tie himself down simply because the woman managed to get herself knocked up by him after only two months? He actually sounds like a pretty nice guy, trying to let her down gently, and she doesn't want to hear from that.

(a) Not how you let someone down gently. Especially in this situation. He's obviously looking to run but not feel like a jerk about running.

 

(b) I'd never marry a guy because he got me pregnant. Nor would I want him to stay solely for that reason. HOWEVER, if you get somebody pregnant, I think you should be prepared to remain communicative and helpful to them. Indefinitely. If you really think the relationship won't work out, say so. But you are "trapped" because you got yourself into an 18 year long partnership with someone, whether you like it or not. Don't sleep with anyone you're not prepared for this possibility, even though it is remote if adults are responsible. If you're not responsible, be even more prepared for it.

 

She never gave an explanation for not using birth control while having sex with this guy UNLESS it was with the intent to get pregnant, which she hasn't denied. Yes he could have used bc like a condom. So what? She let him have sex without a condom. She's still responsible for her own actions. She needs to own that.

She has. Hopefully, he has too. They are both mutually responsible for the decision not to have safe sex, and they are both in a complicated situation because of it. Nowhere have I seen the OP dismiss her accountability. She knew she could get pregnant, she was irresponsible, and she's said so. You want to paint it into some psychotic She-trapped-him story, but there's no real evidence to back that up except your fears.

 

I have to admit, I didn't leave my post insisting on other's to question my morals and my intentions. Yes he was aware I was not on BC. Yes I knew the outcome of our behavior could lead to a baby. No it was not my intention to keep him around by 'trapping' him w a child. Of course there are women out there w the belief that popping out an unwilling child will in turn keep a man around, however, that did not cross my mind. The situation between the 2 of us was amazing, hence why the idea of having a child w the man I loved was exciting and anticipated...just like in any other adult relationship. I regret now that I did not use my handy-dandy future vision to see how things would turn out; him running away from the responsibility that he voluntarily took on as I did. I know the true situation, obviously, and I know my morals and good character. I left my original post in hopes that I could receive helpful advice and support from others who wouldn't bad mouth his behavior or choices. The situation was and is that my now ex-boyfriend who I still care for and love very much up and left w out a word or explaination. Processing that has been hard, and granted there are many different aspects to my situation than most others, the bottom line is that I was hurt and disposed of by someone I had genuine feelings for-minus the baby. Thank you to the few who took it upon yourselves to make false accusations and conclusions as to who I am and what I wanted out of the realtionship. All I wanted in the end was an explaination, which I still haven't gotten...but I guess that's explaination all on its own. But I know my honest reply will still lead me to be a baby-daddy trapper who poked holes in the poor guy's condoms after telling him I was sterile so I could get pregnant and keep him around forever, and if he didn't want to stay then I would choose to bend him forward so I could screw him for child support. I appreciate the backwards and biased 'advice' from the few of you.

 

I think a good, mature guy wouldn't act this way. He would be communicative, though perhaps this fellow needs to sort through his feelings and gain maturity first. Hopefully, he will be involved with the baby. It's a hard situation all around. I hope things go well for you with the baby.

[InceptorsRule]

IR, I see that you are rather jaded and narrowminded in your thinking.

 

It may seem that way to you but actually I'm extremely open-minded. I'm more then ready to listen to anyone with a novel idea or opinion.

 

You present your story sort of as a "romance gone wrong." What I can't figure out is why you would knowingly have sex w/o you and/or the bf using birth control, with a man you'd only been in a real intimate relationship with for two months.

 

I'm not saying you didn't have what you might have thought was a good reason for doing so. I don't think it's possible to understand your situation until you actually explain the reason.

 

 

Yes, the romantic relationship is important; who wants to be 'dumped' like that - pregnant or not? No one deserves to have their feelings disregarded and disposed of because someone else can't handle responsibility.

 

All the thing you are saying here are quite true in the abstract, but knowing that they are true, it still boils down to the same unanswered question: why deliberately have unprotected sex with a man who you don't really know that well? You would like to hope that he would respond better to such a situation but why assume that he will, when you don't really know him?

 

 

I did not trap him one bit.

 

Well OK then. I accept that. If the intent was not to trap him then why is there any criticism from you of him trying to distance himself at this point? You're both free agents relationship-wise other than as the law may require him to pay CS. (I also believe he has a moral obligation to the child to parent him/her but there's not much you can do about it if he doesn't follow through on that.)

 

 

Finding out about the pregnancy was something WE BOTH were excited about, but I believe that as I got bigger and the reality of real, live human being set in for him, he decided he was unable to handle it.

 

I accept that his initial reaction to the pregnancy may have changed once reality set in. But again, so what? It doesn't sound like there was any discussion between the two of you prior to your getting pregnant about what expectations would be if you did get pregnant.

 

 

 

To each is own; however - and what seems to be unfortunately rather common to those in my position - there's no excuse for weaseling out because YOU can't handle it.

 

OK this reasoning I don't understand, so maybe you could explain it better? What exactly is the bf "weaseling out" of? Did you and he actually discuss building a life together and deliberately having a child together prior to your pregnancy occurring?

 

 

 

I'm now left in shock...I didn't see a problem.

 

Even when you decided to have unprotected sex at two months, it never occurred to you that you could get pregnant and if so he might decide not to stick around? C'mon now. You do pregnancy counseling, right? You said you knew he "loved the girls" so was some kind of a player.

 

 

One day 'its not working' and I no longer hear from him. Would YOU (IR) be ok w someone you're intimate w showing you that amount of inconsideration? No.

 

LOL thanks for asking a question and then answering for me. I'm not sure how I would respond since I can't get pregnant.

 

 

Above all however, this child is more important than any relationship I could have w any man; even more so a coward.

 

But this is precisely why it's obviously unwise for any woman to engage in potentially procreative sex with a man she barely knows. You still haven't explained what your thought process was in risking this.

 

The only thing I can come up with is that for whatever reason you decided you wanted to have another child and this guy happened to be the sperm donor. I might be wrong but then there has to be another explanation. I just don't know what it is.

 

 

 

 

In the next 3 months he has the chance to show whether or not he wants to be involved w his child. If he shows he has no interest in being a father, then CS will be pursued...@ a more appropriate time.

 

You should pursue CS regardless of his interest in being the father. The CS is money which while spent by you, is for the benefit of the child. It sounds exactly as I speculated...you're using the whole issue of not pursuing vs. pursuing child support as a carrot/stick approach to try to keep him involved rather than just figuring out "what is the right thing to do in this situation?" and doing that. If he is interested in participating as a father, why would you NOT insist he pay at least the legally required amount of CS?

 

"Pursuing CS" doesn't have to be a big dramatic nightmare. Just go to your local child services agency/department and ask how to do it. They probably have a couple of forms you fill out. You probably have to identify him as the father, and then it will be up to him if he wants to contest that in court (i.e. like a DNA test or something).

 

The reason you should do so NOW rather than procrastinating is that I imagine shuffling through a government bureaucracy and maybe a court hearing probably takes several months and if you're entitled to CS you should have it on "Day 1." So the time to file for it is right now.

 

If he does want to participate as a father then that's great but his willingness to do so does not absolve him of paying the legally required CS. He can and he should but you have to take your responsibility to claim it according to whatever the rules are where you live.

 

 

 

I honestly expect nothing from him, but hope for the best from him. I believe things will work out, w or w out his presence, I'm just disappointed in the choices he's made.

 

Yes I agree he's made some very bad choices, that's rather obvious.

[InceptorsRule]

I have to admit, I didn't leave my post insisting on other's to question my morals and my intentions.

 

Without understanding what was going on inside your head when you made various decisions I don't see how any one is able to provide you with helpful advice. That's why questions about your intentions are relevant. Questions about your morals may or may not be important, I'm not sure anyone's questioned them. However you weren't strictly speaking fully honest in your very first post about use of bc during this relationship. If you're not being truthful then it's impossible to try to get useful advice.

 

 

Yes he was aware I was not on BC. Yes I knew the outcome of our behavior could lead to a baby.

 

OK. Was it or was it not your intention to try to have a baby by having unprotected sex with this man? If it was not your intention to try to have a baby with him, why did you have unprotected sex with him?

 

I'm not so concerned about his intentions because his intentions really had no control over your actions unless there was some sort of specific conversation between the two of you in which you both agreed that you would be trying to get pregnant and raise a child together. In that case you could say that he duped you in some manner. But it doesn't sound like anything like such a conversation ever took place.

 

 

No it was not my intention to keep him around by 'trapping' him w a child.

 

Was it your intention to try to have a child by having unprotected sex with him (if not for trapping him then for any other reason)? If so what was the reason? If not why did you have unprotected sex with him?

 

 

Of course there are women out there w the belief that popping out an unwilling child will in turn keep a man around, however, that did not cross my mind.

 

OK. What did cross your mind? What was your intention by having unprotected sex with this man, knowing of the possibility that it might result in a child?

 

You have to answer these questions if you expect anyone to seriously be able to understand your situation and give you helpful advice.

 

 

 

The situation between the 2 of us was amazing, hence why the idea of having a child w the man I loved was exciting and anticipated...just like in any other adult relationship.

 

OK here's the answer. It WAS your intention to create a child with this man because you "loved" him. Next question is did you and he actually sit down together and discuss your mutual plans/expectations?

 

 

I regret now that I did not use my handy-dandy future vision to see how things would turn out; him running away from the responsibility that he voluntarily took on as I did.

 

OK this implies that you and your bf actually sat down and PLANNED for you to get pregnant and would raise a child together. That's different. I don't see where you actually explained that this occurred though.

 

What was that discussion with him like? Why didn't you two get married first, if you knew you were in love with each other, and planned for you to get pregnant and raise at least one child together? You could have gone to a justice of the peace or something to get married if need be.

 

 

 

 

I know the true situation, obviously, and I know my morals and good character.

 

That doesn't change your actions though. Even though you're of the highest morals and good character, you're just as pregnant as anyone else who might be of low morals would be if they had unprotected sex with a man they barely know.

 

People can have the highest morals but still make poor decisions. Your response to having your decision-making challenged was to call me jaded and narrow minded, i.e. you attacked my character which is not the issue, the issue is your decision-making.

 

I left my original post in hopes that I could receive helpful advice and support from others who wouldn't bad mouth his behavior or choices.

 

I agree that it's absolutely pointless for anyone to do this.

 

 

The situation was and is that my now ex-boyfriend who I still care for and love very much up and left w out a word or explaination.

 

OK maybe I was mistaken then. I thought the whole point of your thread was dealing with the pregnancy not the end of the relationship.

 

By the way why do you still "love very much" someone who you say abandoned you and your pregnant child?

 

 

 

 

Processing that has been hard, and granted there are many different aspects to my situation than most others, the bottom line is that I was hurt and disposed of by someone I had genuine feelings for-minus the baby.

 

You JUST said you were hoping no one would criticize your BF, yet YOU'VE been doing it throughout your thread, including right here. Your BF didn't "dispose" of you. He made a CHOICE that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you.

 

Assuming everything you're saying is accurate, the ONLY thing that makes sense here is that the bf evidently for some reason believed you were on bc of some kind; or perhaps made the false assumption that if you were to get pregnant, you would get an abortion. Again however if you have unprotected sex with someone you don't really know and haven't had an actual discussion with you don't really have a right to any particular expectation as to how they will behave if you do get pregnant.

 

 

 

Thank you to the few who took it upon yourselves to make false accusations and conclusions as to who I am and what I wanted out of the realtionship. All I wanted in the end was an explanation, which I still haven't gotten...but I guess that's explaination all on its own.

 

If that's "all" you want I will give you the most likely explanation: Your bf does not want to be your baby-daddy.

 

 

But I know my honest reply will still lead me to be a baby-daddy trapper who poked holes in the poor guy's condoms after telling him I was sterile so I could get pregnant and keep him around forever, and if he didn't want to stay then I would choose to bend him forward so I could screw him for child support. I appreciate the backwards and biased 'advice' from the few of you.

 

"It's my bf's fault that I knowingly had unprotected sex with him."

[brainygirl]

OP, don't read that crap IR writes. He seems to relish picking apart what people say and interpreting it all through his narrow, ugly, view of the world and of women.

 

And IR- once the baby is concieved, there is no getting out of being a dad, you can run, you can hide, you can bully the mother into getting an abortion, but you are still a father. Now, it may be possible that some women will knowlingly get pregnant in order to keep a man. But most women know that we no longer live in an age where a pregnancy equals marriage.

 

Continueing to berate her and beat her over the head is not going to accomplish anything except reveal yourself to be a small, petty, angry man who hates women. This is a result YOUR issues, and has very little to do with the person posting.

 

When a person in a relationship disappears with no explanation, it is a cowardly act weather there is a child coming or not. He has every right to decide he isn't ready to commit to her, but he needs to have communicated that to her instead of just fading away.And he still has a financial responsibility to that child.

 

I know you love harping on her, but I can read her posts and tell what happened. Sometimes they used condoms and sometimes they got into it and didn't. There was no malicious intent and he is just as guilty as she is about allowing the lapse to happen. H arranging her will not change the fact that there was no intent, ill or otherwise.