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New here, pregnant, and feeling dumped.

Nappeal

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InceptorsRule

InceptorsRule

Posted
Posted
I think "You could've had an abortion," is about the ugliest things we throw at gals who get pregnant unintentionally.

 

a) She's now admitted she didn't get pregnant unintentionally, it was intentional--at least from her viewpoint. She said the pregnancy was exciting and "anticipated" by her because she was in love with the father. It's all right there in black and white in one of her posts.

 

b) I'm sorry you feel that a woman's constitutional right to an abortion is an "ugly thing." The point however isn't that she should or should not have an abortion. The point is that under U.S. law it's 100% her choice and 100% her body. The man in this situation has absolutely no say in the matter. It's a choice SHE has but which is foreclosed to the father. The point is that EVERYTHING the OP has done w/respect to this relationship and this child has been 100% her choice, including not having an abortion.

 

 

A woman's right to choose is just that. . . a right to choice. An abortion is not something to undertake lightly, and many women see it as immoral.

 

I never said she should have an abortion. I said she had the choice, he didn't. In the same way, she had the choice to have or not have unprotected sex with her bf, and is 100% responsible for making that choice. The fact that the man also has the choice to have/not have sex is pertinent only to his viewpoint and his responsibilities, not to hers.

 

 

I don't even believe a zygote is a baby or that it has a soul or whatnot, but I still find them unpalatable (and I'm about as pro-choice as it gets) and many women have religious beliefs that would make it unthinkable.

 

I didn't mean to imply this should be some kind of discussion about abortion. Frankly I think they are to be avoided in all but the most unusual circumstances. Ultimately however since she did have the power to terminate the pregnancy, at least very early on if she wanted to, the choice not to is still her choice. She clearly wants to have this baby, no question about that.

 

I understand some men feel all upset because they worry a woman could "trap" them with a pregnancy, but understand that women have their own worries when they fear a man could avoid responsibility for one.

 

That's why I've suggested OP file the paperwork to have court-mandated CS as soon as possible rather than procrastinate, but she didn't seem too receptive to that advice because she thinks if she doesn't file for CS that may be some kind of incentive for the father to stick around.

 

I just don't understand that kind of reasoning at all, but then I'm "jaded" and "narrow minded." LOL.

 

 

 

(On Last Comic Standing, one comic told a joke, "We had a pregnancy scare. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I just thought I had to move.") Each side has their own fears in terms of this. It is why teaching people to use birth control AND making it readily available is so important.

 

Look OP is not "naive" about bc. She deliberately had sex w/o bc being used because she WANTED a child with this man because she was in love with him. She's acknowledged that.

 

 

 

 

But the OP knows ALL this and has given every indication that she fully understands and takes responsibility for her mistakes. That does not excuse his current behavior. She's hurting and it's all a bummer, and she's just trying to make the best of what she's got going on now.

 

Then why would she claim that she did NOT want anyone criticizing her BF's behavior (although she herself has been doing that throughout this thread)?

 

And OP did not make a "mistake" if you are talking about "failing to use bc and then having an unwanted pregnancy." She wanted to get pregnant and she wanted to get pregnant by this particular guy because she was in love with him. The pregnancy is a direct consequence of her desire to have a child with this man.

 

Now, as to why a woman could possibly think it would be a good idea to deliberately have a child with an admitted "player" who "loves the girls" after being involved with him only two months? Who knows? There's been no explanation for the overall reasoning process at all.

 

You tell me zengirl. You're a lady, I'm not. Do most unmarried women who already have two children to look after, think it makes sense to delilberately have unprotected sex with some player you've been with for all of two months in order to have a child? With apparently no particular discussion/commitment/planning?

 

The BF is currently being non-communicative in a situation where that's crappy. I'm not saying he has to marry the girl because she got pregnant, but he has to communicate with her, for at least the next 18 years. So, he'd better get his stuff sorted.

 

Actually the BF could end up being a total deadbeat dad. He doesn't "have to" do anything if he can get beyond the reach of the law.

 

This obsessive focus that many women who make poor relationship decisions seem to have on the men in their relationships is something I just don't understand at all. Even now the OP thinks of CS as something to threaten the BF with in order to induce him to remain connected, rather than as simply his minimum legal financial obligation to his child that she should try to have enforced regardless of what she thinks that will or won't do to "the relationship."

 

 

 

(a) Not how you let someone down gently. Especially in this situation. He's obviously looking to run but not feel like a jerk about running.

 

Well I don't know "how he feels" but it doesn't matter. You're again focusing on the bf when the focus should be entirely on the OP's faulty decision-making process.

 

 

 

(b) I'd never marry a guy because he got me pregnant. Nor would I want him to stay solely for that reason. HOWEVER, if you get somebody pregnant, I think you should be prepared to remain communicative and helpful to them.

 

LOL. For all the professed feminism and equality of the genders that is often displayed at Love Shack and everywhere else in the "western world", so many women still don't see the irony in using lingual constructions like "because he got me pregnant." Zengirl, if you ever do get pregnant, it won't be because "he got you" pregnant. It will be 100% because "YOU got you pregnant." YOU have 100% control over whether YOU choose to have sex with a man. YOU have 100% control over whether you, and/or the man, use b/c as a precaution. YOU have 100% control over educating yourself as to the risks of pregnancy. Therefore YOU are 100% responsible for whether or not you "get" pregnant. Since only YOU have any say in whether a fetus is aborted, YOU also have 100% control over whether you STAY pregnant and actually give birth.

 

 

Indefinitely. If you really think the relationship won't work out, say so. But you are "trapped" because you got yourself into an 18 year long partnership with someone, whether you like it or not. Don't sleep with anyone you're not prepared for this possibility, even though it is remote if adults are responsible. If you're not responsible, be even more prepared for it.

 

This is interesting but it sounds as if you're giving "advice" to the bf. Except he hasn't posted and is not interested in your advice to him.

 

 

 

She has. Hopefully, he has too. They are both mutually responsible for the decision not to have safe sex,

 

Nope. She made HER decision to have unprotected sex, and she is 100% responsible for HER decision. He made HIS decision to do the same thing, and he is 100% responsible for his decision.

 

Your statement is false because having consensual sex requires TWO SEPARATE DECISIONS by TWO separate consenting adults.

 

Why is the distinction important? Because HE has no say in whether a resulting pregnancy is terminated by HER choice to have, or not have, an abortion. Further, HE has no say in whether SHE chooses to use bc such as pills or other techniques, and if so, whether she uses them properly or perhaps in an incorrect manner which might result in a unplanned p.g.

 

 

 

and they are both in a complicated situation because of it. Nowhere have I seen the OP dismiss her accountability. She knew she could get pregnant, she was irresponsible, and she's said so. You want to paint it into some psychotic She-trapped-him story, but there's no real evidence to back that up except your fears.

 

I didn't call her "psychotic." Zengirl you really have a bad habit of putting words into others' mouths that aren't there, but you always do it to bolster a weak argument and to cast the other person in the worst possible light.

 

As far as "dismissing her accountability" that's what the entire thread is about. All she's doing is trying to blame the bf for her situation caused by her deliberate decisions and looking for unquestioning support for that. Meanwhile she has specifically stated she doesn't want anyone to criticize her bf.

 

As it now turns out because OP has admitted it, she deliberately was trying to get pregnant with her bf because she wanted to have his "love child" (my expression but she said her reasoning for wanting this child was due to her love for her bf).

 

It's kind of silly to deny the possibility that part of her intention in having a child with her bf was to make what was obviously a very casual sexual relationship (I mean they weren't even living together, right?) into something more than it really was. You can argue that "trapping" is not the best word to use, since obviously she can't literally TRAP someone into a relationship he doesn't want to be in.

 

But you tell me. What possible other motivation is there that adequately explains the OP's conduct?

 

The bf's conduct is easy to explain. He just wanted to have sex, he was an irresponsible player, and didn't think any farther then the end of his penis. When she first got pregnant he wasn't worried about having to deal with an actual child because that was nine months away and guys like the bf don't think a week ahead of time generally speaking. Now that it's getting closer to delivery date he's realizing "hey this chick ain't gonna git an abortion" which is probably what he was hoping she would do once he made it obvious he really wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

 

But then the bf is like ten million other dirt bags. Problem is OP had no right to expect anything better because she didn't really know the guy beyond that he "loved the girls." She hooked up with a typical dirt bag. She deliberately got pregnant by him. She's now getting the treatment that dirt bags give to girls they knock up. The funny thing is she obviously KNOWS all this but thinks that denying she knows it accomplishes anything.

 

 

 

 

I think a good, mature guy wouldn't act this way.

 

I'll go even farther, you're being far too kind to the guy. He must be some kind of imbecile to have unprotected sex with a woman he's only known two months. That's why girls should have unprotected sex with imbeciles. Because they behave exactly this way. Irresponsibly. Irresponsible woman meets irresponsible man, have irresponsible sex, create a child. Gee that's a new one, ain't it?

 

 

He would be communicative, though perhaps this fellow needs to sort through his feelings and gain maturity first. Hopefully, he will be involved with the baby. It's a hard situation all around. I hope things go well for you with the baby.

 

 

Yeah it's possible the guy will grow up maybe and actually decide he wants to actually father this child. But if that's what OP really wants why hasn't she even mentioned any desire, wish, or intention to actually get married to this guy?

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InceptorsRule

InceptorsRule

Posted
Posted (edited)
It isn't a trap, its human biology.

 

LOL the reason I posted that was because your previous post reads exactly like:

 

"You can't wriggle out of this you awful impregnating men."

 

Also you need to get a sense of humor. It was actually more of a "Star Wars" joke but maybe you're a little too young to be aware of the broader cultural significance of Admiral Ackbar's "It's a trap!" scene.

Edited by InceptorsRule
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LondonS

LondonS

Posted
Posted

Okay, Just a couple of things that ran in my mind when reading this..

when I first read the very first post from OP- I thought it was a teenager who made a mistake of

1. getting pregnant with someone in honeymoon phase

2. Keeping the baby

As I read on... I realised that she already has 2 kids and she is a grown woman... I heartly felt for the situation however I am truly surprised a mother of two could make such a mistake.. I am not sure how can I blame this guy for doing a runner... I dont even class a man my "boyfriend" well after 2 months let alone getting pregnant or even thinking of having a child with him...

now all that said.. Please try and do something about the CS payments so atleast guy doesnt go and make the same mistake with another woman... let this be a lesson for him as well...

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brainygirl

brainygirl

Posted
Posted
Okay, Just a couple of things that ran in my mind when reading this..

when I first read the very first post from OP- I thought it was a teenager who made a mistake of

1. getting pregnant with someone in honeymoon phase

2. Keeping the baby

As I read on... I realised that she already has 2 kids and she is a grown woman... I heartly felt for the situation however I am truly surprised a mother of two could make such a mistake.. I am not sure how can I blame this guy for doing a runner... I dont even class a man my "boyfriend" well after 2 months let alone getting pregnant or even thinking of having a child with him...

now all that said.. Please try and do something about the CS payments so atleast guy doesnt go and make the same mistake with another woman... let this be a lesson for him as well...

 

When I left my ex husband I was pregnant and didn't realize it until a few weeks later, and they told me i couldn't file for child support or anything until the baby was born and paternity established.

 

I agree, these two didn't act very prudently, but I still think that being harsh, with either of them, is not a good approach

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snowbell

snowbell

Posted
Posted

I don't really have much to add to this thread that hasn't already been said, but as a woman and a logical human being, I have to agree with the points InterceptorsRule has made thus far. Yes, it's a difficult situation to digest, and yes, IR could have stated his arguments in a more empathetic manner, but it's the unfortunate truth.

 

You claimed to love this ladies man after two months. You had unprotected sex. You expected him to stay with you because of the baby. When he intimated he would stay for the child, being a part of your life only by proxy, you were insulted. These are the facts.

 

To suggest that because someone agreed to unprotected sex and consequently caused you to get pregnant makes him a horrible person who must remain with you for the duration of the child's formulative years is as naive and irresponsible as having unprotected sex in the first place. You are an adult, and while perhaps not the most rational one given the tumultuous events in your life right now, you still have the ability to make decisions for your future.

 

Right now the best thing you can do is figure out why you decided to take the actions you did, and how you can improve on the personality traits that led you down this path. Reflect on ways you can improve yourself for your own well-being, as well as your expected child's. It might seem easier to rely on the man who fathered the child, but in the end the only person you can truly count on in this situation is yourself. If you have trouble doing that, then you need to find out why and work on becoming comfortable with it.

 

Reach out to stable friends and family for emotional support, and maybe talk with a mental health professional (I don't mean I think you're nuts! Everyone should seek counselling periodically). Come up with a plan for yourself and your child - one that does not involve the man who is distancing himself from you.

 

It may seem impossible right now, but severing emotional ties with the man you feel abandoned you will get easier in time, and will likely be healthier for you in the long run.

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