Why am I sad when nothing is even wrong?

[flannelpajamas]

I need some kind of help and I don't know where to get it. I don't even know how to explain what's going on but I will try. I know I have a wonderful life. I have a fantastic job as a fifth-grade teacher, I'm getting married in August, and I'm healthy and smart.

I have all these things and I feel horrible. Mostly I feel incredibly ugly. It's true that I am a little overweight, and I'm also extra-tall, but objectively I'm just kind of a normal looking girl. But I feel like an ogre. I feel so ashamed of how I look that I feel panicky talking to cashiers or salespeople and I cringe whenever someone makes eye contact with me in public. I can't handle people looking at me. I feel gross and disgusting and weird.

Normal girls go shopping and wear makeup and I just live in jeans and t-shirts. Some days I don't even brush my hair or wash my face. I don't know why these normal things are such a chore.

I feel scared all the time. I tell myself that I will start doing things and have a life and try to make girlfriends but the truth is is it always ends up me sleeping or eating junk food or at the computer, hiding out from life for another day. I tell myself I'll eat healthy and exercise and that will improve my self-esteem and my mood, but that lasts about three days max. It's too scary, it feels naked.

I've tried seeing counselors without a lot of success. Most I don't like. I feel like they are so fake I want to scream. The one that I liked was kind, but I got so angry talking with her that I kicked a hole in her drywall twice, and then I stopped going. I'm not even like that, but counseling brought up really violent feelings.

I know my boyfriend worries a lot about me and it's kind of embarrassing. It bothers him so much I just don't admit these feelings anymore. I think he's just so tired of it all, I kind of don't blame him. He has said he loves me but he's scared to get married if I'm always going to be unhappy. The ugliness thing is starting to mess with our sex life big time, I can't relax because I'm so grossed out at myself.

I don't like anybody, I don't like anything, and I know those are immature and ungrateful feelings, but I don't know how to get rid of this bad stuff. I did something very bad about six years ago, and maybe I hate myself for that, but I can't undo what I did. I also kind of feel I have no right to live after the bad thing I did, so I don't know how to make things right for myself.

Thanks for listening.

[Amazon22]

FlannelPajama's....

 

How tall are you? I'm extra tall, and a little over-weight, 6'2 to be exact.....

I know how you feel with having everything on your life on the right path, but still cannot find happiness! We all fall into bouts of depression like that...hell, I have them a lot too, but I don't let it control me! I've gone 2 or three days without showering, or leaving the apartment just b/c I feel like there is nothing out there for me! It sucks, but it happens to everyone here and there! I gave up on councelors a while ago...my belief is that happiness cannot come from a pill, it comes from within. I do understand that for some people a pill is their only choice, but even for that pill to work, you have to be willing to make the changes from within...make any sense?

[yes]

i'd worry abt the fact that counselling brought up so much violence. it must be bottled up somewhere, and not releasing it can't be good. it sounds to me like exercising is exactly what you need to start with - sign up for a class so that you can't avoid it easily. exercising will get you into shape, it'll make you wanna eat healthy not to waste your gym effort, it will make you feel better overall.

 

also, if you feel like you don't know how to dress/make-up/etc, spend a lil at a salon - ask them to show you what make up suits you, ask them how to best style your hair, etc - cmon, you know you'll enjoy that. then go shopping for clothes - ideally with a friend who can help you pick out what looks good on you - or even yourself, trying on enough stuff that you figure out what you like.

 

good luck,

-yes

[dlb311]

I thought my life has np direction no hope and I didn't want to go on. Everyday on my way to work I would hope to get in a car accident and die. I would never have the courage to kill myself but if it was an accident...

 

I had a good job, going to school to get the career I wanted, I had an amazing boyfriend. I was so unhappy and I didn't know why....

It started to put a strain on our relationship because I didn't want to do alot of stuff anymore. We argued and we never argued before maybe once in a blue moon but not alot. He wanted to spend more time with friends and I felt like I was losing it all. I got on meds and was seeing a therapist once a week. Things seemed to be getting a little better but not that much. I just couldn't figure out what my problem was... Then my boyfriend walked out. Said he didn't want to be with out me but didn't know what else to do he just wasn't happy....

 

All of a sudden the depression was gone.. and I felt so much better. after a while I stoped the meds and the therapy. then 4 months after the break up he comes back and say life with out me isn't worth living. He doesn't know what he would do without me. I always felt the same. I was happy and I thought okay this is good. For two months things were great calls five times a day seeing eachother every chance we got. But then he got me back and we told each other we were going to step back because he was planning on moving in with me. And frankly we are to young. (I'm22 he 24) we know this is what we want but we just want to enjoy this time in our lives and get the careers on track...

 

But the panick attachs started I didn't understand why he seemd to back down a bit not call as much. But when I was with him he was mine he loved me and everything was good. I just didn't get it...

 

Now I know that I have abandonment issues. I was love and more and more and more love it can't stop it has to keep going. But the reality is that can't always be. You can't always be there you can't always call. YOu need time apart. I was never use to that. I am having a hard time transitioning but that was the agreement and I know things are good the two of us we fit... SO I am wiling to work on it...

 

I am back on meds and the therapist once a week. It helps me alot.

 

I think that Flannelpajamas is over thinking. If you have a man that loves you sees you are going through this and hasn't left yet hold on tight. not to tight but work this out. Tackle the issues. you mentioned something you did that you just can't let go. I think its time. This life and anyone who shares a life with you isn't going to be happy until you forgive yourself or whom ever it concerns. I look at life in such a different way. But I had to lose it all to realize it I was lucky I got another chance to try and realize the issues I have.

 

I would seriously look with in yourself. I think that beauty is within... and I know beauty on the outside counts but if you have a great look at life that is so much more then having the perfect body or the perfect face or hair or infashion clothes.

 

Smiling will help... think of good things instead of bad... I am really suggest you talk to someone...I know you said you didn't like it but it has really helped me sometimes you have to search for a good one but they are out there.

 

you are not alone....

[NEONINK]

I'm concerned about the 5th graders.

 

ps. Go and buy a snazzy new outfit and wear it. There's just as many short people that wish they were tall.

[reasontosigh]

In flannelpajamas' and dlb's posts I see a sort of parallel, which leads to my question.

 

Both seem to be leading rather full lives, keeping them very busy, I would think. What I'm wondering is if the depressed feelings they have been experiencing isn't a result, at least in part, of fatigue.

[brashgal]

Depression oftens manifests as anger, I know I have huge problems with anger when I'm depressed. Exercise does help, so does talking to people although sometimes it takes a few tries before you get a good counsellor. For some people, keeping a journal to explore their feelings helps.

 

For me, when things get bad and I feel like I'm driving everyone in my life away, medication is called for. I'm going to the doctor today actually. The last time I was on meds it was only for about 6 months and it made such a difference in my outlook and behavior.

 

Good luck to you.

[SoleMate]

Two things for you, flannel:

 

1) Your symptoms sound like classic depression. Please see an MD as soon as you can and have him evaluate you for depression. Or better yet, just ask him to start you on 20 mg of Paxil.

 

2) You live in LA, which is one of the most body-obsessed parts of the planet. Check out the newspaper ads - it's not vegetables and garden tools and cars like most places, it's all about tanning, liposuction, wrinkle erasing, fitness, eyebrow implants, etc. There are many other places one can live where jeans and a T-shirt are considered the feminine uniform, and nobody styles their hair. Please think about moving...

 

Good luck!

[dlb311]

my depression is brought on my my insecurities that I am not good enough that no one will stay everyone leaves because I didn't really grow up with my real mom or dad... it has been a messy bumpy ride for me. I am not placing blame on anyone for sure but things in our life when we are growing to be the person we are really make marks and some marks I never realized till I meet the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. THen it was like he is going to leave me I am opening myself up for heart break... I dream he would cheat on me and still he never has... Its crazy my mind wonders and makes up scary gross throughts...

 

My depression gets me down at times but as soon as I see it and feel it I tell myself what are you doing I may sit and right out how I feel and then go back to it a day later and say umm ya I was over reacting big time.

 

you have to want to feel better to make it better. I never thought in a millions years I would have something like this but I do and so I struggle with it some days are better then others and some weeks are so awesome I forget I even have it. But when I feel it coming on I catch myself and say no don't let it get to you... and some deep breathing helps me and I try to get focused on something else to get my mind off of how I am feeling.. or over reacting to something..

[tac719]

My wife has these same symptoms you all described. I think seperation anxiety or fear of, which manifests itself into depression and anger. She was on Paxil for a couple of months and I noticed a considerable difference (improvement). How long do they recommend taking it or other antidepressants? She is off it now and her anger and jealousy issues, mainly anger have returned somewhat.

 

I think Flannelpajamas does need to talk to someone so that she may forgive herself. It sounds like this is the big issue. She does not have any self worth. Talk to someone and punch holes, that is what they are being payed for. The anger needs to be released. That much pent up anger is toxic. My father went in to talk to a therapist and ended up yelling at the guy for an hour. He felt much better!

[moimeme]

How long do they recommend taking it or other antidepressants? She is off it now and her anger and jealousy issues, mainly anger have returned somewhat.

 

The idea is to get rid of the depression. Some people can quit in a few months, some have to continue for years. Like any other ailment, you quit taking the medicine when the condition is cured.

[Tony T]

Medical questions are best left to being answered by licensed medical professionals. Seeking medical advice on an Internet message board is not a good idea. The management of antidepressant drugs is a specialty and must be handled carefully. Please direct any questions regarding any prescription drug to your doctor. If your question is specific to a certain person, such as a wife or loved one, get that person medical attention or have that person make an inquiry to his or her doctor.

 

Medications don't work the same way for everybody.