"Die."

[Axel Moses]

This thread is really just here because I need to vent without suffering the real world public backlash that would happen if I said this to anybody I know.

 

"Die."

 

This is the type of message I get from anybody I talk to on what I should go do. They see me as having zero value. They see my opinions as absolute garbage. They see my problems as pointless. They see my anger as childish. They see my frustration as attention-whoring.

 

Any time I complain about something, I am insulted and told to go cry elsewhere. Any time I express a strong opinion I am told that I am wrong and then my comments are picked apart and called idiotic. Any time I am frustrated about anything I am ignored and passed over for any social interaction until I get off of my "pity party". As undoubtedly a few of you are now chomping at the bit to put my worthless crybaby butt in its place by posting a scathing reply attempting to "straighten out" my illusions about the real world.

 

None of this would agitate me nearly as much if I didn't see other people do the exact same thing in desperation seeking help, AND ACTUALLY GET SOMETHING HELPFUL. This applies to the entire world I have seen. Not just the internet.

 

I am much taller than other guys my age, yet I get the same dried out turd of a response that "If you show respect, you get respect." I have been doing that for years. And you know what it gets me? DOORMAT. People don't feel comfortable around me. Guys constantly waggle their wiener at me and try to impress women by dominating the giant. Women are worried I am going to rape them or something because I loom over them, so they recede back into their social bubbles and throw stones at the ogre.

 

I've tried being quiet, and I got stomped on, bullied, and treated like crap.

 

I've tried being funny, and I got insulted, jabbed at, and considered an ego-maniacal butt-wart.

 

I've tried being aggressive, and I got beat on, harassed, and seen as the big fat bully.

 

I've tried being calm, and I got dismissed as being slow in the head, attacked outright by aggressive idiots, and seen as the little wuss baby.

 

I've tried being angry, and I got treated like the villain, constantly been bandwagoned against, and seen a worthless piece of scum.

 

I've tried being friendly, and I got manipulated, used, abandoned, and seen as an easy tree to mark one's territory upon.

 

I've tried not caring, and I got cast aside, ignored, and seen as a waste of space.

 

I've lost countless jobs because I am incapable of finding any social acceptance in any work environment, and they all end with me being absolutely miserable and infuriated because every day boils down to torture for eight hours, and then sleep because I have no friends whatsoever. I do not earn money since I eat when I am stressed out. So every paycheck goes immediately into my stomach.

 

Meanwhile I'm getting gray hairs, a lot of those hairs which are falling out, me weight is climbing, my living situation is declining, my job history is still nonexistent, and every passing year the likelihood of my life turning out to be something other than rotting on the side of the road because I lost my place to live due to my father passing away, and nobody gave a damn because I'm just "being unreasonable" about how absolutely worthless my life is socially and watched me sit there being ignored by everyone else until I finally just fell over and got my ugly face off the side of the road.

 

"Serves him right. Whiny little piece of crap. 'Oh Boo Hoo, everyone hates me, give me free money and a place to stay so I can be fat and live off of your money until the day you die so I can do it to somebody else.' I hope that fat tub of lard rots in the woods somewhere so his poor family doesn't have to pay for his wide load to be buried in a piano box. Stupid useless fat people who are too whiny to get a damn life and make something of themself make me sick. He should have joined the army. They would have straightened the uselessness out of him. Stupid, stupid, stupid fat lardo."

 

That is exactly the type of attitude I get from people. I don't even bother asking for help any more. People give me a "Who the HELL do you think YOU are trying to ask ME to care about YOU!?" expression, and then write me off as trash. I am not talking about going around asking people for money. I am talking about things like getting a ride to the unemployment office, telling me which bus takes me across town, or holding the door open for me.

 

And the worst of it all is the fact that, according to the symptoms, I may very well have Asperger's Syndrome. Which would explain the complete social paralysis. And the anger and infuriation that stemmed from it isn't the result of being a complete jerk, but because I GENUINELY HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT I AM DOING THAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO TREAT ME LIKE CRAP BECAUSE I HAVE A DAMN MENTAL DISORDER.

 

Of course people write that off as some flimsy excuse for the fat turd to cry and demand he gets some respect. Nobody is even willing to consider that it might be a possibility. Every single thing I do gets dismissed as stupidity. Every single thing I say is dismissed as being a crybaby. Every single thing I try to justify is dismissed as being an excuse.

 

"You are depressed"

 

NO. I am sick and tired of this damn umbrella term being used to describe my situation. I am irritated at the fact that everybody treats me like crap and dismisses everything I say. And I am at a complete loss at how to stop it. I can either argue with them or agree with them for momentary peace. I have been told for YEARS that I am STUPID SELFISH DIMWITTED ARROGANT MANIPULATIVE SCUM. NOBODY is going to listen to that for YEARS of their life and com out of it without thinking at least once that "Maybe they are right." But after years of doubting myself, I realized that the problem isn't ME. I respected other people. I helped other people. I would go out of my way to do stuff to help out other people while others passed them by. And my reward was a KICK TO THE THROAT and SPIT IN THE FACE. And it made me mentally devalue myself to the point that I tried committing suicide repeatedly for years. And when I came out of it, PEOPLE MADE FUN OF THE FACT THAT I FAILED AT SUICIDE, TOO.

 

The really hilarious bit? The absolutely riotous bit of info that makes this whole situation completely absurd?

 

If I saw somebody laying on the side of the road suffering, I would still immediately stop and try to help them. If they tried to kill me, I would do my best to restrain them, but wouldn't try to return the favor. I still value other people. I still won't bring myself down to their stupid childish level of insulting to boost my own ego.

 

And the wonderful icing on the cake is that most who read this are thinking about what an arrogant prick I am and how I have some sort of "benevolent god" complex.

[carhill]

Yep, remember my 20's well. Went bald instead of gray. Good news is you'll survive and likely be a better, if a bit bitter, person for it. Just stick to your path and keep helping those folks on the side of the road. It'll help you a lot later in life.

 

I remember one time when stbx brought home way more food than we could afford and began to stuff the pantry. I asked her what the f*ck did she think she was doing and, upon hearing her answer, invited her to 'eat shyte and die'. True story. I was done with her. It was the first really harsh, cruel or purposely mean thing I had ever said to her in our M. I'm not proud of it, but someone had to end the insanity. I guess that was me. My own.

 

Good luck

[Thierro]

You let THEM get at you. You try to change because of THEM. THEY don't matter. The only thing I hear is a desperate cry for validation from other people that have no idea what is important in life. They need to take a look in the mirror and see their own flaws. The way they behave is just a big joke. Don't let them enter YOUR reality. I know this is very hard to accomplish.

 

Life is barking at you and you try to bark back at life even harder. This is useless.

[Feelin Frisky]

I can ID with this as I was the first to get blamed and punished for everything as a child. I had a sister who waged constant war of passive aggression against me almost always getting me beaten or assaulted by a parent or uncle. I had a ton of anger and resentment but frankly in my mid teens I went on a serious diet and lost all my baby fat, I grew to 6'2" and was 178. Scumbags who made fun of me now envied me. Crucify me but LSD seemed to come and help me break out of the placenta of the belief systems that contained all the people who were cruel to me. I found I had a mighty brain and that life was an extraordinary privilege even though it was so full of hurt in my childhood.

 

Fk who doesn't like it but I HAVE a "benevolent god" complex. I'm forgiving and considerate and it is part of a hard-won individual identity. Times are different now and I don't use or recommend use of LSD, but someone, something or some med may come along to help you detach yourself from the real versus the imagined.

 

When you're young and it's all bad, it's not unusual or unreasonable to throw a few logs of your own grief on top of the fire of reality through self consumption with your own plight. Tell yourself you at least don't have to lug chamber pots or dunk your hands for tips in a bucket of urine as a lowly piss boy. You could have been born a thousand years ago and refused by everyone who built a fire to stay warm. Make it out of the extended placenta of animal cruelty performed probably by people who deem themselves pious and worthy of a god. Then you can grow up strong and walk with cobra on your left, leopard on your right and wrestle alone with lions in the night. Outta sight.......

Edited August 13, 2010 by Feelin Frisky

[Enchanted Girl]

Everything made sense to me as soon as you said you had Asperger's. I had a friend for years who had Asperger's and I'm not going to lie to you, at first when I was his friend, me and him used to fight pretty much constantly and he drove me insane. When we talked about him having Asperger's and I learned a bit about it, I started being able to tolerate him a lot more and even started liking him. I know you're not exaggerating either. Every day he was fighting with his family, the people in his school, people online, etc., etc. He was always at the center of huge flame wars on forums as well. He got in fist fights and verbal fights. He was also very overweight, like you say you are.

 

The problem with someone having Asperger's, in my opinion, is that you accidentally portray yourself as having all the characteristics you just listed experiencing in other people. At least, that's what the guy I knew always seemed like he was acting to me. Because he just didn't get it. He wouldn't pick up on my or anyone else's social cues and he'd say certain things wrong and it would make everyone super defensive around him and therefore people would attack him pretty easily.

 

Just know that people act that way with you because they misunderstand you and think you're acting that way with them, not because you're an overall undesirable or horrible person. I agree with you and that there are also ways to fix it.

 

You need to talk to a therapist. I don't know how to help you and no one on here honestly is going to. I am more educated now about it than I used to be and that helps people respond to it better, BUT it doesn't fix it or help you.

 

Anyway, I don't think you're stupid or whiny or any of that. Having any kind of disorder like that is really hard, but don't give up hope or anything. A lot of people have disorders and a lot of people have Asperger's and a lot of people learn to cope with these things. Just because it might be harder for you to deal with normal stuff than other people, doesn't make it impossible.

 

And anyway, just know that not everyone is going to treat you the same. I'm sorry everything is going badly for you though and I hope things get better!

 

You just need some help learning how to communicate your intentions better because communication is so important for people to get along and this is the area you're having trouble with.

Edited August 13, 2010 by Enchanted Girl

[Disillusioned]

Sounds to me like the OP is way too obsessed with getting validation from others.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I got off that kick when I realized it doesn't matter to me what someone else thinks of me if they're in no position to affect my quality of life.

[Enchanted Girl]

Sounds to me like the OP is way too obsessed with getting validation from others.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I got off that kick when I realized it doesn't matter to me what someone else thinks of me if they're in no position to affect my quality of life.

 

You would care just as much if everyone got mad at you all the time, which, from my experience, is how everyone reacts to someone with Asperger's almost immediately. This is only possible when you're already receiving some acceptance and validation from the world. Yea, it's easy to ignore even something like 10 people who hate you if you have 10 other people who like you, but when you're arguing with everyone, it's impossible.

 

There's a reason that solitary confinement makes people go insane. Everyone needs a certain amount of validation and affection from others. People who say they don't are lying.

 

When it's one or two people who hate someone, I agree with this advice because you can't make everyone like you and there's no point in trying, but when it's a lot of people, it's just not the same.

[Ronni_W]

Axel Moses,

I'm sorry for how your life experiences have been. It sounds perfectly dreadful. I do give you all credit for not having just given up, and for still looking for your own answers and relief.

And the worst of it all is the fact that, according to the symptoms, I may very well have Asperger's Syndrome.

Actually, that would be the BEST of it all because it at least gives you a place to start, to get proper guidance and support (from caring professionals, I mean; not from the types of ignorant people you've had to deal with all your life.)

 

One suggestion. Do some more research on Asperger's. MayoClinic.com has an entry. And/or. Search 'aspergers syndrome survival guide' at amazon.com or whatever book-selling site. I like amazon cos of the customer comments. Anyway. Check the comments and then select 2 or 3 books that make a strong impression. Rather than purchase, visit the library.

 

Armed with new facts and information, schedule a visit with a medical doctor...and be open to receiving, for a change, some proper guidance and support from caring professionals. That is, don't let your lifetime of being put down and humiliated stop you from persevering in finding the relief that you need and deserve.

 

You're obviously intelligent. Use that to your advantage, and don't let other people's ignorance and arrogance get in your way of you seeking and locating appropriate medical care and genuine help.

 

Hugs, and all the best.

[Feelin Frisky]

Sorry, I didn't read every word of your OP and missed that you said you had Aspergers. Perhaps I would have couched my earlier post in that light. My nephew has Aspergers and is a rather extreme case. I'm sorry he had to be brought up by parents in denial and be subjected to the cruelty of the mainstream educational system where social development is not on anyone's agenda. This creates a situation where kids play all kind of cruel games just outside of the view of authority.

 

He's 17 now and though he asks lots of intelligent questions, it seems his condition makes for no listening to answers--he has a social disconnect and seems unable to connect dots that he needs for the "aha" moments when people finally connect the relevance of answers to establish an understanding of something in their own minds. It sounds like you live in a particularly backward and judgmental social situation and if I could I'd reach out for ya and give 'em all a boot in the @ss I would. Good luck and hopes you'll find your way to corridors of understanding and encouragement.

[Axel Moses]

I'm very happy to be dead wrong in this situation. I've gone through tons of hell trying to find an explanation for why I can't "merge" into social situations like other people. For years every idea I have come up with didn't fit me in a lot of ways, and was ultimately just written off as another excuse. I'm even sitting here right now questioning myself on if this is just another excuse for me. The possibility of Asperger's certainly puts a lot of things into perspective, but having issues socially and being unable to handle it isn't unique. So it's easy to just say I want a "way out".

 

I wrote a much larger reply, but it occurs to me that it doesn't do me any good either way explaining my life of troubles.

 

I do want to say thank you, Enchanted Girl. That is the first time in my entire life that somebody has said that one of my theories made sense. My family has even given up on me finding an answer for why I keep saying everyone hates me. They believe the answer is "It is because I need to lighten up and stop worrying so much, and just be myself". I have been myself for years. And this would put in that final puzzle piece to explain how I could be myself and still fail miserably.

 

It's not much of a surprise that when I called my mother and talked to my father about AS that both of them didn't listen. They don't want to think their son has a mental disorder, because their son is intelligent. And intelligent people do not have mental disorders. This isn't their wording, of course, but it's the general idea I get from their conversations drifting away from AS and into ways I can stop worrying about what other people think. As you mentioned, it's very very hard to "not care" when your social support group comes in with a total of zero. (I've actually said that to my mother thousands of times and I am almost giddy to see somebody else who understands that same logic.)

 

Also thanks, Feelin Frisky. I appreciate the supportive words. I grew up in the situation similar to the one that your nephew grew up in. When I was a kid my parents refused to think their child could have any problems. And while they did send me to therapists in my mid-teens, I was always misdiagnosed as having depression and had a pill thrown at me. I remember the time I transferred out of the school in fifth grade, and the day I left, the entire classroom broke out in a loud cheering the moment the door shut behind me. That seriously hurt and it was the first time I ever truthfully felt like everyone hated me. The same treatment continued up through high school until I finally dropped out because the entire school accused me of planning to bomb it after some kid started a rumor. Not a single person in that entire school was willing to defend me. Even though I had never once in my entire life shown any sign of wanting to hurt other people. (And I did go to court. And I was found not guilty, then I moved to Colorado of all places to go back to school, but dropped out there after finally giving up and got my GED instead.)

 

I am very sorry to hear your nephew has it so bad that he's basically trapped because of it. I am certainly not a stranger to the "being incapable of listening to answers" bit. Although I'm certainly nowhere near being worse off. I will openly admit that if I do actually have Asperger's, that it's probably a relatively average case. I've just been socially crippled by the fact that it has been completely ignored through my entire life and has damaged my social skills so badly that I am having significant trouble trying to make a life for myself as an adult.

 

And I do agree, Ronni W. If this is actually what is wrong with me, it means I can start looking at others with it and find out how they dealt with it instead of flailing blindly without any answers being continuously told that I only fail because I am too sensitive.

 

Of course I'm still sitting here feeling like I'm just trying to find another excuse so I can stop blaming myself and start blaming some evil syndrome. I have kept reading up on AS, though. And the symptoms keep piling up in my "I have that problem, too" bin.

Edited August 14, 2010 by Axel Moses

[Enchanted Girl]

Saying you have a disorder isn't about excuses, it's about finding out what's actually wrong with you.

 

Finding out you have a disorder is just the beginning of a long journey of struggle. It just helps you know that you're going in the right direction and actually fixing things, instead of being just stuck where you are. It shows you where the problems are and helps you handle them. It also helps you explain yourself to people and like I said, communication is important. Once I understood that guy had Asperger's, I started getting why he did things and not reacting as poorly to it because it improved my communication with him.

[Ronni_W]

The possibility of Asperger's certainly puts a lot of things into perspective, but having issues socially and being unable to handle it isn't unique. So it's easy to just say I want a "way out".

You have no idea how much I appreciate that you're not just looking to make excuses and for a "way out" and to just blame whatever syndrome or circumstance is handy!

IMO, there are way too many adults doing that...and of course it does not serve anybody very well.

 

But. As Enchanted Girl says, seeking a medical diagnosis (whether it's for cancer, a cold, or AS) is NOT making excuses, it's just collecting information as part of self-responsibility to one's own health.

Only AFTER you get back the test results will you be in a position to either make excuses for yourself or use the data that you've gathered to improve your life.

 

From a different perspective, it's possible that you could end up using your "not knowing" as an excuse to not do anything...other than feel badly about your lot in life and suffer, as you have been doing, at the hands of ignorant and pompous fools.

If for no other reason, you may want to find out for sure so that you can totally rule out AS. In any case, it is deemed a developmental disorder NOT a mental disorder. There are more interesting (and encouraging) theories in alternative medicine, so you might want to also check those types of resources (not instead of, but as a complement to, traditional Western medicine.)

 

I do agree with you that there are lots of socially awkward/inept people who are not suffering from AS. But those people ALSO still have to find out what is the root cause of their problems so that they can work towards improvement. (In my case, it was not a developmental disorder but unresolved grief, unhealed emotional wounding and a lack of effective coping skills, but I still had to do therapy to find that out...and then I still had to do self-awareness and emotional healing work, and learn better coping skills.)

 

I totally disagree with those who assess you as being "too sensitive" -- that is just their cop-out and so that they don't have to admit (to themselves or you) that they don't know how to help you. Rather than say, "I'm sorry but I really am powerless, helpless and ignorant of how to help you; I just don't know," they concoct this lie that it's your "fault" and then they can bury their heads in the sand without feeling as if they've failed you.

 

You have legitimate complaints, and your feelings of being ignored, hurt, confused, lonely, outcast, disappointed, humiliated, etc., are TOTALLY understandable and valid. (I mean. Not that you need me to validate your own experiences for you, but I'm just saying: Those clods are wrong.)

 

Anyway, Axel Moses. Sorry for the long post. There is nothing "wrong" with you. If you are suffering from AS (or some other developmental disorder), then it's a medical condition and still doesn't make you "wrong" or "faulty" in any way. Same as people suffering from cancer are not "wrong" or "faulty".

 

I would encourage you to consult with a doctor and transform your "not knowing" (aka ignorance) into knowledge. In that way, you will be empowering yourself. IMHO.

 

Hugs and best.

Edited August 14, 2010 by Ronni_W
clarification

[Axel Moses]

Never mind any of this. A diagnosis isn't going to make a difference anyway. And the only way I could even get one is to either get a job to pay for it ( which if I could hold a job I wouldn't have a problem to begin with ), or go through my parents which refuse to believe there is any problem.

 

And even if I got one, what difference does it make. People aren't going to magically understand me and suddenly give me a break rest of my life. And I'll just feel sorry for myself and use it as an excuse because I am so dead sick and tired of trying to defend my actions. I just don't care any more.

 

This is crap teenagers and little kids get help with. Not fat adults with a long history of being worthless.

 

I give up.

 

I don't need to be told I am a quitter and that I'm not going to go anywhere if I stand still. I just don't have any interest in solving this any more. There is no way out. No amount of "undying will" is going to push the garbage out of the way.

[confused192]

Never mind any of this. A diagnosis isn't going to make a difference anyway. And the only way I could even get one is to either get a job to pay for it ( which if I could hold a job I wouldn't have a problem to begin with ), or go through my parents which refuse to believe there is any problem.

 

And even if I got one, what difference does it make. People aren't going to magically understand me and suddenly give me a break rest of my life. And I'll just feel sorry for myself and use it as an excuse because I am so dead sick and tired of trying to defend my actions. I just don't care any more.

 

This is crap teenagers and little kids get help with. Not fat adults with a long history of being worthless.

 

I give up.

 

I don't need to be told I am a quitter and that I'm not going to go anywhere if I stand still. I just don't have any interest in solving this any more. There is no way out. No amount of "undying will" is going to push the garbage out of the way.

 

 

Please don't give up...I don't think you are a quitter but there is a way to get help and there are people who understand what you are going through. I see that you live in Middle Tennessee...I do as well. I just did a little research and I found a place called the Middle Tennessee Mental Health Institute (in Nashville) that lists Aspergers as a speciality. I know you say you don't have any interest in solving this any more...but it may not hurt to give this place a call.

[skydiveaddict]

I swear I've responded to this thread before, but I guess not. You need structure in your life. Join the army. I'm not kidding. It will test your strength to the limit and your self confidence will soar. Enlist for an exciting MOS like 21B (combat engineer, that's what I am) or 12D (Diver), something like that, anything really. Whatever interests you. But it's a way to to get you back on your feet and out of the rut you seem to be stuck in. To roll over and die is not an option

[S Chris]

You probably mean my post a few months back, sky, as this looks like the exact same person wrote it. o_O;

 

I can completely identify with your situation, Axel. I deal with endless BS on a day to day basis. -_- People don't give a damn whether I live or die. My family has dropped me. I don't have any friends any more, since they've all gotten sick of me and disappeared. But I'm not here to whine and cry about my own problems in somebody else's thread.

 

I say if you think you have Asperger Syndrome and can't afford to have it diagnosed and can't rely on family to help you, that you might have some luck trying out some of the forums around the net for people with it. They might be able to pick on little ways in how you post and talk about your experiences to give you a general idea about whether the day to day BS you deal with matches with the day to day BS of somebody with Asperger. You'll either be right or wrong.

 

And hey, if you are right about Asperger Syndrome you'll have a community of people who know what you are going through and can offer insight on how to deal with it. Or you might be wrong, in which case you will at least know more about what you don't have. It's not going to require driving out to any place or shelling out cash.

 

I say this, of course, being somebody who wouldn't try it myself, but then again it has been drilled into my head that my social problems are all my fault. At least be happy that you might be able to relax a little and not feel confined inside your own skull. Heh. ^^;;

 

Good luck and try not to give up. I know it's irritating to have that "think positive" BS thrown out, but look at it this way. If you are the good person you say that you are, then giving up and throwing everything away is letting the buttnuggets in the world win, because they will make it their mission to stomp down anybody who isn't on their side.

 

Be well,

- S

[Axel Moses]

I appreciate the supportive replies, but don't waste your time. I'm only posting this because I don't like the idea of just ignoring people and walking away.

 

This situation is impossible to resolve. No matter what I say I am going to be wrong and "unreasonable". I can't do anything without money. And I can't get money until I have a job. And I can't get a job until I can handle the social BS that comes from it. And since nobody in my life is willing to think I am anything but a sensitive crybaby, I won't be getting any help.

 

Sometimes there isn't any answer. Life isn't some magical journey where everybody has an equal chance at success. Some people are just garbage. I am a manipulative ******* emo attention-whoring crybaby who is too sensitive. That is my definition for the rest of my life. There is obviously no other explanation because everybody else is just fine. Sneer at my name and close this window in disgust. You are wasting your time even reading this.