smk Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 She has been txtin me all day and then finally txted ms askin why I wasn't speaking to her, this is the Convo that happened: In all honesty Kelly, as much as I have so much I would love to talk to you about, so many things I want to share with you, but what's the point, i can't pretend to be "just friends" with you, in the future who knows, right now each time I talk to you it feels like someone reaching into my chest and pulling my heart out, I am still in love with you, and I am working on moving on with my life and I can't do it as quickly as other people can. When I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you I meant it. Do you know what it feels like waking up in the middle of every night in a cold sweat because I can no longer be with the one person that was my world? I do because I have done it every night for the last 9 weeks... And each day it doesn't get different. Do you know what it feels like not being able to feel anything anymore? I do... Do you know what it feels like when someone asks me how I am and when I say I am fine I know I am lying? I do... Things didn't work out for whatever reason and i can't just turn off the emotions I have... As much as it hurts me to say this, right now I have nothing to offer you apart from my love, and we both now that you no longer want or need that, and I have never lied to you and don't want to lie to you and pretend to be a friend that I know I can't truly be... As I said in the future who knows.. Either way if ever are in trouble or need something I will always be there... I am sorry.... Then she replied with Yes I do know and for this I will make it easier and you won't hear from me again I'm sorry Then I replied I am sorry you are sorry... I wish I could stop feeling these things but I can't... I wish I could get my closure but I can't, I have a million questions that I will never get the answers too... I am happy that you are happy and if in the futures our paths cross then hey... As I said just because I can pretend to be a friend right now, I will still he there if u need anything... I hope you find the happiness that I couldn't give you and I do wish things could have been different, but hey that's life.... So I know I am an idiot for going through that but she didn't reply so I guess this is my closure... Cavalry charge ahead.... I am as we speak off the wagon and half pissed and I will feel like.crap tomorrow but I know that the end of the past as I knew it... The only way left now is forward.... Viva let's go forward... Link to post Share on other sites
HopeLove Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 Your post make my cry. Probably helped by the factor that I'm feeling so down right now. I'm feeling almost the same emotions as you are. Why can't we move on. This sucks so much... Link to post Share on other sites
Thierro Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 (edited) You did good. Now you can heal. The last couple of days I am thinking about doing the same. I am still pining, I still want her back, I am still waiting and wondering. I need to burn the bridge forever and really move on. Hugs.. I respect what you did. Edited August 13, 2010 by Thierro Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 13, 2010 Author Share Posted August 13, 2010 @hope - well it made me cry but I think i think it's finally the closure I needed... Had I not done this I would never have learnt the lessons I did... But i guess this is my closure... Link to post Share on other sites
HopeLove Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 I hope so for you. Being in this limbo doesn't help us! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 13, 2010 Author Share Posted August 13, 2010 @ thierro - I hope so - I really hope that this is the last page of the chapter an now I can begin the new one... As much as I have been waiting for a reply that I know won't come sending that msg has helped me... I still love her but I need to move on... And now I can accept that she didn't care as much as I did... Cest la vie... Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysConflicted Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 You sent a very heartfelt and honest email. She must be living in a bubble if she thinks you two can be friends so quickly after the breakup. She responded with 1 weak sentence. I think it's time to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Beeotch Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 That was brave of you..... Now you can truly move forward. There are no more questions, worry or wonder about "if I only said this"...you've said everything, she knows everything and now you can continue on the road to recovery! It is melancholy of course, but it does become freeing after a while and each day you feel lighter and lighter. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 13, 2010 Share Posted August 13, 2010 You're right. Well done. Better than the alternative option I offered. I think you did good. It goes very wrong for so many people who break contact, but I think you angled it right.... Poor you..... (((Hugs)))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 13, 2010 Author Share Posted August 13, 2010 Thanks guys - I Have been beating myself up all night about the msg I sent... Her response did give ms the closure I needed - it showed that I never did really mean as much as o though I did to her... And it does make me cry and I will cry - I am going to let it out tonite - for tomorrow I begin a new chapter - a chapter that I will write - a chapter that will define the person I become... I still love her, love her with all my heart, but I will still grow from this and become the person I ne'er was, become the person I want to be and live the life I deserve to live, for all I have is love and true love in my heart, true love is my soul and true in my being... Link to post Share on other sites
bonpaw2008 Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 {{{{{big hug}}}}}} I hope she means what she says and she leaves you alone, you deserve to be at peace. Sorry about the drinking, I have been drinking all week so I can't say a thing. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 I'm doing this the wrong way! Instead of drinking I used the breakup to stop smoking! HA! What the hell was I thinking! Well now you're free smk! You are not “single.” You are “Ronin!” You are now free to flirt with any hot babe that crosses your path, free to move on, and you answer to no one. You're the master now! Look out British women! SMK is on the hunt! Link to post Share on other sites
boosh Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 Honestly, as much as NC is the way to go after a breakup, there's sometimes where you just need to do exactly what you did. I did something similar, only I actually got to do it face to face, and frankly it was the best decision I made in the past 3 weeks. I miss her terribly, and I broke down after I got into my car when I left, but seeing her and being able to talk things out calmly with each other did wonders for both of our psyches. Since then I've slowly started feeling better each day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
lullaby Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 Good for you Smk! Hugs and strength for you. Even if she responds, you have your closure and sometimes less says more, right? she didn't put that much effort so it's not worthy of your time. Now it's time to continue healing Link to post Share on other sites
WolfRouge Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 I feel the exact same you do. Was almost like you're in my head. I know right now I can't be friends with my ex.... I haven't told her this! I can't, I'm too scared to at the moment. I guess because I'm still hanging on to hope. But, you're not alone in this *hugs to you* Link to post Share on other sites
Perhaps Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 She has been txtin me all day and then finally txted ms askin why I wasn't speaking to her, this is the Convo that happened: In all honesty Kelly, as much as I have so much I would love to talk to you about, so many things I want to share with you, but what's the point, i can't pretend to be "just friends" with you, in the future who knows, right now each time I talk to you it feels like someone reaching into my chest and pulling my heart out, I am still in love with you, and I am working on moving on with my life and I can't do it as quickly as other people can. When I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you I meant it. Do you know what it feels like waking up in the middle of every night in a cold sweat because I can no longer be with the one person that was my world? I do because I have done it every night for the last 9 weeks... And each day it doesn't get different. Do you know what it feels like not being able to feel anything anymore? I do... Do you know what it feels like when someone asks me how I am and when I say I am fine I know I am lying? I do... Things didn't work out for whatever reason and i can't just turn off the emotions I have... As much as it hurts me to say this, right now I have nothing to offer you apart from my love, and we both now that you no longer want or need that, and I have never lied to you and don't want to lie to you and pretend to be a friend that I know I can't truly be... As I said in the future who knows.. Either way if ever are in trouble or need something I will always be there... I am sorry.... Then she replied with Yes I do know and for this I will make it easier and you won't hear from me again I'm sorry Then I replied I am sorry you are sorry... I wish I could stop feeling these things but I can't... I wish I could get my closure but I can't, I have a million questions that I will never get the answers too... I am happy that you are happy and if in the futures our paths cross then hey... As I said just because I can pretend to be a friend right now, I will still he there if u need anything... I hope you find the happiness that I couldn't give you and I do wish things could have been different, but hey that's life.... So I know I am an idiot for going through that but she didn't reply so I guess this is my closure... Cavalry charge ahead.... I am as we speak off the wagon and half pissed and I will feel like.crap tomorrow but I know that the end of the past as I knew it... The only way left now is forward.... Viva let's go forward... You made the same mistake I made. You put yourself out there... which was Really brave of you. Hopefully, this conversation will serve as a memory of your last attempt to put it all on the line and truly express yourself. Ignore her from now on. In a few months time, you will look back and wonder why you ever showed her your best in this message when she clearly didn't even have the courage to reply back to your message. Such people don't deserve you at your best. I would half-respect her if she was direct and told you straight up. Don't put yourself out there like you did this time - stay strong. You don't need anyone... at least not her, of all people. I hate to say this.. but your message didn't so much as make her skip one heartbeat. If I judge this correctly, and I know I am doing so, she will call/text you again. But you'll ignore her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 14, 2010 Author Share Posted August 14, 2010 Thanks guys - the stupid thing is right now I am actually beatin myself up over sending that msg because now I know it's the end, that's the finality, I know it's what I need but I was tbh I guess deep down I was hoping that that msg would have had a different response, I guess deep down I was hoping that she would have asked me to come back - I put myself out there one last time and had my broken heart broken again... As I said I guess this should open my eyes and give me closure, I miss her so much... I even tried calling her last nite, and she didn't answer... Well now there is nothing left - and this is the time to go on... Who knows if I will ever hear from her again, but if I do then I will cross that hurdle when I get to it... Link to post Share on other sites
Thierro Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 Your words to her were the end credits to your own movie. You didn’t prolong the story and you decided to end it. You helped yourself. People try to look the other way when going NC, but this doesn’t stop the movie from playing in the background. They will have a harder time to cope with the voices that are still there. They try to ignore it. And don’t you just hate it when you don’t know how a movie ends? Spending your time wondering about it, fantasizing about it. The only thing that will give you some peace and quiet is a definite end. This way you will move on much quicker. I am still anxious about sending her the letter. This only tells me that I really need to send it. Good things end. Long-winded stories are boring. Time to put this DVD aside and put in some new good stuff. Enjoy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 14, 2010 Author Share Posted August 14, 2010 (edited) @thierro - yeah I guess I ended and played the credits - I guess this is the finality and as everyone I guess this was me making that one last make or break attempt and now I no longer have the what ifs and the voices in the back of my mind... Well as GC would say time to keep on moving little puppy... This pup is on his way to becoming alpha dog.... Woof... Maybe sending the letter may help maybe not - I think the only way we know is when we do it... When I sent the msg I don't even know what was going through my head, I was just tired of the endless feeling of being strung along and I just typed it out and sent it... And then it finally sunk in and I thought to myself WTF have I done, but I guess it served it's purpose... This way I know NC will be for the right reasons to help me heal... I do have a feeling that she will make contact sooner or later... She never expected me to say it and she hates not having things go her way, because it was me who effectively stopped playing now and put my foot down... Edited August 14, 2010 by smk Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 14, 2010 Author Share Posted August 14, 2010 Wow ok now I hate this feeling - now that I have burnt those bridges why do I feel so crap??? I asked her not to contact me and now I feel like crap.... Arghh hate this roller coaster and I want off... I miss her so much right now... I wish I could be with her right now... Link to post Share on other sites
bonpaw2008 Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 S! The only mistake that you made was that you didn't really tell her off, and you still left the door open!!! She wasn't contacting you to get back together with you, she was rubbing it in how busy she was and what she was doing. She quit you, and she was contacting you to make sure you were still hooked.... You did the right thing baby, you are on your way to getting rid of her...she doesn't deserve your friendship or for you to be there for her. She quit you so she needs to figure that out on her own. Sorry you are hurting today, that final step is the biggest and hardest....you did the right thing, in a few months you will know it....xoxoxoxoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 14, 2010 Author Share Posted August 14, 2010 B - I know and hope, i guess it's just the reality of it setting in that this is the END... I finally broke it off as opposed to her... Arghh it's still such a friggin nightmare.... For the last month I have been riding the roller coaster, but today I just want off... I don't want to be on it anymore... I thought that the msg would be the end for ms yet it's just opened up a whole new can of worms.... Hopefully this will subside to sooner or later... Link to post Share on other sites
HopeLove Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 You feel like crap because you were forced to do something we didn't want to do. You do it because you can't keep nurishing this pain and you wished you both were still together and you didn't have to do these things. But look the fact that we can yet move on doesn't mean the realtionship still exists. I exists only in our minds. I like to share with you something I read: "Your relationship, despite its promise, has ceased to be right for one or both of you. It is, in effect, broken. That doesn't make the breakup any easier to handle or change the overwhelming nature of the sadness that you feel. But that sadness, in turn, doesn't make it less broken". You are not alone smk, we will go through this, we have to! Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 Wow ok now I hate this feeling - now that I have burnt those bridges why do I feel so crap??? I asked her not to contact me and now I feel like crap.... Arghh hate this roller coaster and I want off... I miss her so much right now... I wish I could be with her right now... Ya you miss her, but that is not new. What is new is hope has flat lined. And you know that if you do anything to try to resuscitate it you will look as foolish as trying to french kiss great grandma. You do not even miss her that mad. It more the fact now you clearly have to face that your life is not in your hand. All of those great words from the last week's previous post are now bouncing around in you head and it scares you that now you actually have to live up to them or disappoint yourself. Now it is more then talking a good game, now it is time to live it. Yes it is frighting but you know what you shown everyone here, and more importantly you have shown yourself that person who wrote those words, who believed in those word does exist inside of you. Courage is not action in the absents of fear, it is action despite the presents of fear. It just take a bit of courage to make it happen. Go out and be courageous. You are that man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smk Posted August 14, 2010 Author Share Posted August 14, 2010 @ hope & gc - yeah I guess now it is time to actually face those fears and go out there and take them head on... As scary as it is there is no turning back now, I burnt that bridge and now the only way left is forward... Link to post Share on other sites
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