I have to chose between my family or boyfriend!!!

[Lotus Flower]

I have a really sad story - right now right this minute as I am typing this I am hours away from making a heartbreaking decision - I am having to chose between the love of my life, my boyfriend who I ahve known for over 4 years, who I am happy and content with or my family who I have been with for 30 years, who I love and care for deeply. He is a different religion to me and my family were devestated when they found out about our relationship.....they said I have to chose. if I chose him I will lose them forever as I will have brought shame on them and if I leave him then I will just be misserable and lost...I feel as if my heart is being split into 2...for those of you that cannot imagine my feeling imagine this: imagine chosing between your 2 children, which one would you save??? hard choice as you love them both. Same for me, I love my mum and dad and can't bare see them sad, but I love my boyfriend and want to build a life of my own...I'm 30 and it has taken me such a long time to find somebody that is my best friend and is a resposible man that I have got to know very well...Since they found out a year ago not a day has gone by where I have not cried..I feel my parents pain as my community and culture is really unforgiving and predudice..they will make my parents feel like outcasts because of what I have done...for that reason my parents will not tell anyone about me untill I have gone for atleast a year...they say that they don't want to ruin my reputation in case I come back. They are convinced that my rekationship will not work....I am so torn right now....my partner and I have even bought a house that has now been vacanct for months, waiting for me to move in!!! But I can't as I am stuck in the middle! If I leave him I will die inside, if I be with him then I will live with this sick guilt of what my family is going through....I love them both equally...recently I have even been feeling suicidal and would rather not be in this world then to have to be faced with such a horrible choice...For months I have been plucking up the courage to move out and to be with my partner, but everytime I do it I feel sick and scared so I don't! My poor partner just needs me to make a decision now as he's hanging on a thread....I just can't chose....I am so scared that I might move and then not be able to make it work because of the saddness and guilt I feel inside me...It will also feel like I'm in hiding as I'm not allowed to tell any family members until my parents are ready to tell people...so after a year or so I will have to go through the pain will all my community finding out and re living the pain again....I have soo many aunties, unlcles, cousins, etc etc....I know that I will get lots of advice about getting him to meet them, do this that and the other but believe me I have tried everything, they do not want t meet him full stop!! it's just so awfull!...I hope and pray that nobody has to ever go through what I am...

Any true advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Thank you

[carhill]

My simple philosophy is whoever makes one choose in such an unreasonable manner gets disconnected. This philosophy is blind. You simply should not have to endure such a position. With disconnection, that ends. Your family gave you an ultimatum. That has consequences for them. Hope they enjoy them

[jamesum]

Family is sacred. Always side with your family unless your family has never been good to you.

[amerikajin]

My simple philosophy is whoever makes one choose in such an unreasonable manner gets disconnected. This philosophy is blind. You simply should not have to endure such a position. With disconnection, that ends. Your family gave you an ultimatum. That has consequences for them. Hope they enjoy them

 

That is easier said than done.

 

If the OP is from an Old World culture or an old school family, then in their eyes, it's family first, individual pursuit of happiness second - take it or leave it.

 

I feel for you, OP. I think you need to dig deep within your soul and sort some things out. Either way your decision is going to be difficult. I know if it were me, I would have a hard time avoiding my family, but as carhill says, they are the ones making the choice. On the other hand, there is no guarantee that your relationship will work out long term, and if it doesn't, who do you have then?

[carhill]

there is no guarantee that your relationship will work out long term, and if it doesn't, who do you have then?

 

The exact same person one always has, themselves. Family is merely a biological legacy. People who truly care for and love each other don't give such ultimatums. Or, if they do, they do not from a place of love and care. Regardless, they are not worth wasting valuable time and life on.

 

Meet their ultimatum with equal force. Call their bluff, if that's what they're doing. We teach people, even 'family', how to treat us.

 

OP, as a disclaimer, I have a special 'place' for religious zealots so take my opinion with that in mind. I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend and *your* future

[amerikajin]

As always, I completely respect your viewpoints. You're one of the best posters to grace Loveshack.

 

The exact same person one always has, themselves. Family is merely a biological legacy. People who truly care for and love each other don't give such ultimatums. Or, if they do, they do not from a place of love and care. Regardless, they are not worth wasting valuable time and life on.

 

Meet their ultimatum with equal force. Call their bluff, if that's what they're doing. We teach people, even 'family', how to treat us.

 

OP, as a disclaimer, I have a special 'place' for religious zealots so take my opinion with that in mind. I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend and *your* future

 

I will preface this by saying that, in some cases, you're probably right. In some cases, it's not really love of others but love of themselves that drives the manipulation. However, it can also be a dysfunctional reaction to what is a genuine love of the person they're manipulating, if it makes sense.

 

As someone who deals with a psychologically abusive older half-brother and an occasionally manipulative mother, I respectfully disagree. There are indeed times when I wonder 'what kind of people would do this?', but I have come to understand that, despite the manipulation and occasionally brutal tactics, they do. It's because they love me that they manipulate, although it's more complicated than me.

 

The thing is, manipulative people also love themselves; they mount an aggressive response with people to protect their own feelings and to have their own agendas met. They blindly assume that if they gang up on the person in question, and that if they manipulate and attempt to dominate, then the other person will eventually cave in. It's not the initial act of manipulation that is destructive; it is the game that ends up unfolding as a result of the initial assault. When people do this kind of stuff, communication begins to break down. And when communication breaks down, the misunderstandings become more and more frequent, and they start over the most trivial of things. It's like a bad marriage; it might have started off as a disagreement over one thing, but it quickly devolves into a much wider disagreement that eventually breeds a climate of mutual distrust and contempt for each party.

 

I think how the experience of the manipulators is a major factor. In my case, my older half-brother grew up in a very dysfunctional situation, with our mom divorcing his dad when he was only 6 or 7. My dad was at times a raging alcoholic, who was also occasionally abusive at one point. My brother grew up confused and going back and forth between his mother and his own father, who himself, as I understand it, could be domineering and verbally abusive. As a consequence, I think my older brother sees nothing wrong with bullying people into getting his way with them. In his eyes, his ends justify the means. Whenever I have capitulated, all has been well; it's whenever he occasionally suggests something that I resist when all hell breaks loose.

 

As for my mother, she is more subtle. She is not verbally abusive, but I have noticed over the years that she knows how to use my brother to be the enforcer in our relationship. If I brought that up, I am sure she would deny it, but I see it now. My ex girlfriend from a long time ago pointed it out, and at first I didn't accept it, but now I see it clearly. Again, I think it is love. When all is well, things are fine. It's when I do something that she strongly disagrees with. As it is with my brother, her ends usually justify her means, although she is more sophisticated and she uses a kind of finesse to deal with these things.

 

Again, I think it's a matter of upbringing. She was raised by a very stubborn, verbally abusive, manipulative, and nosy mother. My grandmother actually refused to acknowledge that she was getting a divorce from her first husband, and she consistently tried to pair them up. She outspokenly opposed my mother's relationship with my father. My grandmother was pushy, bossy, subtle, and all of those things. She played siblings off against one another. My mother doesn't realize that she has at times probably done the same things. She does love, but manipulation is a way of protecting herself. It's just that it's a f*cked up and hurtful way of doing it.

 

The problem is that manipulative family members never think about the backlash. They are used to having children and younger siblings do as they say. They have a hard time understanding that roles have changed, and that individuals can become free-thinking adults. They still see things completely in terms of how people have operated under the same roof. Good and wise parents understand these dynamics and try to act accordingly. Parents without as much insight probably mean well but they end up falling into a pattern of destructive behavior. And this behavior has a way of turning into something of a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which they end up being convinced that their children or younger siblings are being disrespectful and turning their backs on their families. In reality, it is their manipulative tactics that are to blame. I think love can and does still exist; it's just that it becomes a lot harder to love as the baggage keeps on piling. It takes a lot of self-awareness and restraint for people to be able to recognize their own behavior and that they, not others, are to blame.

 

In my case, I am trying to be understanding. I am nearly at the point where I don't even talk with my brother, but the door is still open. It's just that he has to swallow his pride and show a willingness to treat me as an adult, and I don't see that nearly enough. He also has to acknowledge that his behavior has long-term effects, which can't be just erased with a simply "I'm sorry." Again, easy for us to point out but harder for them to recognize.

 

I think the OP has a very complex set of dynamics she's dealing with. My advice is, take your time and think about this. Think about what you value. Think about how you are going to live your life. Think beyond your immediate family and your boyfriend, and think about your overall support system of friends and people you trust. You may ultimately need them to turn to when life gets really tough.

[denise_xo]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't advice you what to do, but I just wanted to share the story of a friend/ colleague of mine. She was in the exact same position as you (family wanted to disown her over choice of partner from other religious [and ethnic] background), and she chose her boyfriend (now husband). With the exception of a few cousins that she kept in touch with via email, that meant that her ties to her family were completely cut. Five-six years down the line, she is now starting to reconcile with her family, and she recently gained (at least implicit) acceptance from her father who had been the family member with the strongest objections. While it has been extremely tough for her, things are now starting to look a little bit better, and she has speculated that her current pregnancy may have created some incentives for easing the situation. Obviously, I'm not saying that her story can be generalized, just wanted to show you that others have been through it, and how it went.

 

Perhaps you should also consider getting some counseling, not because it will necessarily help resolve your dilemma but as a support to you during this very difficult time, especially as you mention immense feelings of guilt as well as suicidal feelings.

[BellaBellaBella]

What kind of commitment do you have with your BF? If I had to chose between my BF and family it would be my family. If I had to choose between my fiance and my family I would do it in a heartbeat.

 

I think alienating yourself for a short term commitment is one thing, however for a lifetime commitment it is a whole other ball of wax.

 

I understand it's not the same, however I made a choice along time ago to move across country away from my family. Do I regret the life I have now with my spouse and children, I don't at all. Are there times I feel sad about the distance between myself and my OOF yes of course. However, I would still pick my spouse. Yes, we have had hard times and struggles, however also times of joy. We are still happy in our life togather. If your gone, perhaps your family can say there has been an accident.

 

Bella

[carhill]

True story:

 

Stbx's niece married a man of another culture and, while stbx's sister and her H welcomed this man into their lives with open arms, a certain portion of the groom's family, including his parents, did not welcome her. The wedding, in his cultural church, ended up with myself and stbx standing in for *his parents* during the beginning of the wedding service because they refused to participate. Later, after children were born, things got so bad that the son refused to bring his children to see their grandparents (on his side) though they and the maternal grandparents lived in the same town. I do not know what has become of this situation since stbx and I separated, but found the entire dynamic to be horribly sad.

 

That said, I admire the son for standing his ground and cleaving to his wife in the face of pressure and ostracisation. He made a good decision, IMO, and I wish he and his family all the best.

 

BTW, for the record, I came from a tight nuclear family with parents married for life and with strong religious beliefs. They were the ones who taught me the boundaries regarding healthy family dynamics and to tolerate nothing less and how healthy religion is inclusive, not exclusive.

 

OP, I wish you wisdom and strength in your decision. I know it's going to be painful. The decisions we truly grow from usually are. Take care

[Tayla]

and the poster has yet to respond to any ones messages or acknowledge. Makes one wonder if this was a fact or fiction matter.

[amerikajin]

and the poster has yet to respond to any ones messages or acknowledge. Makes one wonder if this was a fact or fiction matter.

 

Maybe she's just reading?

[Lotus Flower]

Hi Everyone...

 

I would firstly like to thank all of you for your support, advice and comments..It's nice to see that there are people out there that are willing to take the time and make the effort to help me figure things out...I would like to apologise for not replying sooner, to be honest I thought I replied but only just realised that it had not been submitted....

 

Anyhow - responding to some of your comments and questions..My BF isn;t technically my fiance as yet as in our culture, a mere proposal and presentation of a ring is not recognised as an engangement. However I would say that we would marry tommorow if given a blessing so I guess you could call us "commited" "enganged" etc. Afterall we have been together for over 4 years and are both in our early 30's.

 

I can understand that some may feel that family comes first, hence why I have not run off with this man and am desperately seeking their belssing and have not slept peacfully even for just one night since this was all revealed to them a year ago...

 

I can;t talk to anyone about this as it will bring shame on my family....They do not even want to meet him, know his full name, proffession etc etc...nothing whatsoever to do with it! If there was some sort of logical reason (apart from religion) for me to not be with him then I would understand but there is nothing wrong with my partner. He treats me, my friends, his family and everyone around him with respect.

 

My family have their own life...My parents go out, have loads of family and frineds and have led a pretty decent life and are still living it! I still live under the same roof as them and feel as if I am wasting away while I could be starting my own life with the man I love and who is also my best friend...we have past that initial "can't spend a secnd without each other" stage and have grown into a well rounded mature relationship.....its not a teeny crush!!!

 

Not sure if that changes any opinions.....my overall theory is, FAMILIES ARE BUILT THROUGH STRANGE RELATIONSHIPS - IN OTHER WORDS MY BF AND I TOO COULD ONE DAY BE A FAMILY!! MY MUM AND DAD BECAME FAMILY, WERE NOT FAMILY TO START OFF WITH (if that makes sense)

 

Also, just coming back to you regarding councelling and my suicidal comment...that was very careless of me...although at time I wish I was no longer part of this world, I would never take my own life....that would be so selfish to those left behind. So please don't worry....

 

Thank you.

[Lotus Flower]

Thanks amerikajin - and yes my family although VERY modern they are from an oldskool background who are quite narrow minded. You're right I should think about the outside circle as I need to be strong and build my life in such a way that I have an external support unit!!

[Lotus Flower]

and the poster has yet to respond to any ones messages or acknowledge. Makes one wonder if this was a fact or fiction matter.

Hi Tayla - I WISH!!! that this was fiction!! sadly for me it's my reality

[SarahRose]

Why in 4 years hasn't he proposed to you?

 

Until I had a ring and a date set, I would choose my family.

 

You can always lie and say he is converting to your religion.

[Lotus Flower]

True story:

 

Stbx's niece married a man of another culture and, while stbx's sister and her H welcomed this man into their lives with open arms, a certain portion of the groom's family, including his parents, did not welcome her. The wedding, in his cultural church, ended up with myself and stbx standing in for *his parents* during the beginning of the wedding service because they refused to participate. Later, after children were born, things got so bad that the son refused to bring his children to see their grandparents (on his side) though they and the maternal grandparents lived in the same town. I do not know what has become of this situation since stbx and I separated, but found the entire dynamic to be horribly sad.

 

That said, I admire the son for standing his ground and cleaving to his wife in the face of pressure and ostracisation. He made a good decision, IMO, and I wish he and his family all the best.

 

BTW, for the record, I came from a tight nuclear family with parents married for life and with strong religious beliefs. They were the ones who taught me the boundaries regarding healthy family dynamics and to tolerate nothing less and how healthy religion is inclusive, not exclusive.

 

OP, I wish you wisdom and strength in your decision. I know it's going to be painful. The decisions we truly grow from usually are. Take care

Hi Carhil - thanks for all your support! I'm sorry to hear about the sad story of your ex's niece....people always say to me "don't worry, they'l come round" but some never do!!

 

A friends cousin married a man outside her country although same religion and was dissowned by her parents...it has been 10 years and she has 2 children but they just don;t want to know...if they hear she's going to the same wedding, party or function, they cancell...so this is why my decision is hard..I am not going to kid myself and believe that they will 100% come round.

[Lotus Flower]

Why in 4 years hasn't he proposed to you?

 

Until I had a ring and a date set, I would choose my family.

 

You can always lie and say he is converting to your religion.

Hi Sarah,

 

I don;t think you read my post properly....proposal has nothing to do with it!! and yes he has proposed and bought me a whole house! and tld his whole family which is unheard of in his culture...the reasn why I have not set a date as my family are not accepting it! My family have said to me, go and get married to him and you will never see us again ever....

[carhill]

I have a feeling her family has to 'approve' of the betrothal or it isn't 'official'. OP?

[Lotus Flower]

Why in 4 years hasn't he proposed to you?

 

Until I had a ring and a date set, I would choose my family.

 

You can always lie and say he is converting to your religion.

so if you had a ring and a date and your family said to you what mine have said to me...what would you do?? ring and date is not my problem here, it's the fact that:

My mum won;t be there when I have children

My dad won't be there to give me away at my wedding

My cousins will not know where I am for a year or 2 as I'm not allowed to tell anyone

 

So ring and date is just not relevant....it's much deeper than that

[Lotus Flower]

I have a feeling her family has to 'approve' of the betrothal or it isn't 'official'. OP?

Thank you Carhill - that is exactly the case...In my culture a verbal proposal means nothing...the couple can do the typical proposal thing but have to go back to the family for approval not to say "hey wer're engaged". I'm a little dissapointed that just because he is titles as BF is doesn't sound serious - if it helps lets call him fiance!

[SarahRose]

sorry I'm not well today go easy on me

 

you didn't realize this 4 years ago when you started dating?

 

What are the 2 religions involved?

[Lotus Flower]

What kind of commitment do you have with your BF? If I had to chose between my BF and family it would be my family. If I had to choose between my fiance and my family I would do it in a heartbeat.

 

I think alienating yourself for a short term commitment is one thing, however for a lifetime commitment it is a whole other ball of wax.

 

I understand it's not the same, however I made a choice along time ago to move across country away from my family. Do I regret the life I have now with my spouse and children, I don't at all. Are there times I feel sad about the distance between myself and my OOF yes of course. However, I would still pick my spouse. Yes, we have had hard times and struggles, however also times of joy. We are still happy in our life togather. If your gone, perhaps your family can say there has been an accident.

 

Bella

Thanks Bella - I'm really happy that it has worked out for yoy, you sund really happy in writing I think with you, in the back of your mind you know you have not lost them...If they were accepting of this then it wouldn;t matter to me if I didn't see them much...it just hurts that I will never be a part of them...I am also more sad and concermed AND guilty about causing them so much pain!!

[Lotus Flower]

Hi Sarah - Sorry if my words sounded shouty - it's hard to read the tone sometimes but I din't mean it to come across that way...I hope you feel better soon anyway!

 

Yes you are absolutely right, I knew he was "forbidden" but you know how it is when you meet someone amazing...you just go with the flow, become selfish, learn so many good things that you don;t think to stop and suddenly it's been such a long time!!

 

If you don't mind and this is purely because I'm paranoid someone I know may read this and figure it's me...the 2 religions are Asian religions that have a history of HUGE conflict..

 

He cannot convert as that wouldn't make a difference to my family....they just stereo type his culture and don't want to know anything...he even said to me if it heped he's do the ceremony on my cultures terms etc but they don;t even want to discuss it that far

[carhill]

Does your family practice arranged marriages or 'in love' marriages? Obviously, you appear to be following the latter path, but is it in accord with your family traditions?

[Dazzel]

I tend to be really stubborn and hard-headed, so if I were in your situation I'd probably tell my family to kiss-arse and go with my guy. I know there are culutural differences, but these also seem to be religious too. I believe if you family truly loves you, they won't disown you and cut off all contact because of who you marry. Apparently your guy wants you as you are, and doesn't care.

So I'd tell them bye bye until they can learn to be a true, loving family. Not shallow enough to disown you because of who you choose to spend your life with.

 

That's just me, though.